Hi, a newbie here.
Have come to the cross roads in my life and am now asking for your advice and opinions. Just over 2 years ago, my wife of 9 years left the marriage. After a very bitter court battle over custody (children are now 3.5 and 5.5 years old), I got shared custody and the finances have also been resolved, although that was a bitter fight as well. The divorce, kids custody, and financial settlement were all finalised about 8 months ago. About 18 months ago, out of loneliness mainly, I guess, I joined an internet dating service, and met an attractive younger girl (by 6 years), who also had a number of previous failed realtionships (including a divorce after a brief marriage, but had no children)...intially things were wonderful, she was my listening ear, I could cry on her shoulder and she provided me intimacy and company, and my dark world lightened up again. My friends and family (as I was) were concerned that I was on the rebound and I should be careful in starting a new relationship again so soon.
After about 3 months, I guess, I started seeing some of her flaws and faults that made me concerned about the long term future of the relationship), but did not want to lose or give her up. The next 9 months were so up and down with lots of on / off periods in the relationship...2 months ago, whilst on holiday in Istanbul, she announced that she would like to get married soon, but I was very unsure given all our ups / downs (and the fact that she was still struggling to accept the kids), and in my mind, I knew there were major problems ahead. I said that I was not ready to get married yet...and well you can guess the next bit, she left...I was devastatad again, but I think I made the right decison but my heart is screaming out in pain again.

At this time, I thought I would take this opportunity to write a letter to my ex wife to try and improve our communication (I was not seeking a reconcilliation) for the sake of the 2 children (we have been raising the children by email and SMS!), but she replied that she had moved on, found a new boyfriend and did not want to talk to me. I was very upset, and was very tempted to contact my recent ex girlfriend again but have just manage to resist the tempatiaon. I don't know why I have done so, but I have re-signed on an internet dating site again...but I suspect that this is not a good time for me. I think I should wait for a while before starting another relationship, but I feel so alone, confused and hurt.

Your thought, advice, opinions etc as to what I should do next will be appreciated!

33 views but no one care to say anything....?

Looking,

I think you should not date yet, your kids are still very young, right now they need you, focus on them and yourself. You need time to heal, join a divorce support group, Divorce Care and Divorce Recovery are the two I'm aware of, they usually are offered at churches.

You can join a club, something of your interest and do that on the days you don't have your kids. Volunteering is also another idea.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Looking~

As I read your post, I found it very similar to what I experienced, even close to timelines.

Like you, I met and became involved with a guy 7 yrs younger than myself while my divorce was in process.
This guy was amazing, but like you described, my flags started at the 4 month mark. I also continued to date him, and went on to have an on and off relationship with a lot of pain in between.
Like your lady, my guy also wanted to get married. He had been divorced for 7 yrs. I had just come out of an 18 yr marriage and was no where near being ready to marry again.
After our last final break up, he married someone 5 mos later. He got what he wanted, to be married, and I was left with a lot of hurt, again.
What I learned was that I never took the time to heal from my marriage before getting involved again. I had two to deal with at the same time in the end.

It's been a year since I've dated the guy I spoke of.
[which btw, his marriage only last 2 mos]
I took me a whole 7 months to get to a good place concerning him, and only 2 yrs to not feel so bitter towards my x.

If our stories would continue to follow the same path, I would say you are not ready to seriously date again, yet.

I'm not suggesting that you not date at all, just to be careful with the seriousness.
I have dated a little bit, but found for almost a full year after this guy I was involved with, I was numb to feeling.

It sounds like you are aware of your inner feelings so continue to listen to them.
The other huge hurdle for me to learn was that I was "okay"
being alone. [I'm not saying I've reached perfection, but I've come a long way] I never had experienced alone time before, but I learned it was kind of therapeutic. I walk a lot and sometimes jog, I use that time to think.
If you enjoy running, biking, walking, working out,etc. this is a good time to exercise.

Also, I didn't see any harm in trying to mend communication with your x concerning your young children. Kids need to not feel that tension with their parents.

Good luck!
Karona

Thnak you so much for both your thoughts, Immovingon and Karona. These 2 points from Karona have struck a significant chord with me:
"What I learned was that I never took the time to heal from my marriage before getting involved again. I had two to deal with at the same time in the end."
I think this exactly sums up my situation as well.

"The other huge hurdle for me to learn was that I was "okay"
being alone."
I'm sure I've struck the same hurdle!! but I will take up Immoivingon's suggestions as to what to do when the kids are not around.

thank you again for your replies which mean a lot to me...

L4N,

I agree with the other posters. I would first focus on healing yourself and having a happy life without anyone else in it to distract you from the leftover pain & healing. Even when you think you are ready, you will find that the pain can still be triggered, so it takes a long time.

Don't contact your old girlfriend again and don't start something new. Just focus on your life and your children for now. Make a list of all the things you wanted to do but haven't had a chance, and then use your days alone to start doing those things. I also made of list of things I wanted to improve about myself or wish I had done better, such as keeping in touch with old friends, and I spent more time on those things.

It is a very painful thing that you are going through. Keep posting here, too, even if you're not dating.

Looking~

I'm glad that you felt there was significance in what you've read.

I agree with Nev, post from time to time. You will find many open and honest people who will share their experiences and you may find encouragement in the process.

I agree on another point by Nev, not to contact xgf.
There will be days when that seems difficult, I've been there, I know. But, I think you will find that after time, you did the right thing.

Best to you,
Karona

"I agree on another point by Nev, not to contact xgf.
There will be days when that seems difficult, I've been there, I know. But, I think you will find that after time, you did the right thing."

It's her birthday tomorrow...I have already cancelled reservations at an expensive restaurant that I had made some months ago...it will be difficult not to send her a happpy birthday greeting, although I suspect it will not be appreciated and I only will end up more hurt... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I hope I'm strong but I am not so sure at the moment...

Undoubtedly, today will be a tough one, and you were kind to have had something so nice planned for her.

You will make it thru the day and it will be the first day of significance behind you. Be strong and try not to cave to the day. If you're that sure that any gesture would be unappreciated, you will be glad in your strength.

Stay strong,
K

It's sad how lonely we can feel in the wake of our D. But it's true that we need a LOT of time to heal and to learn how to be alone with ourselves.

I just learned a lesson the hard way and I knew better (I thought). I met, unexpectedly, a man who was in the middle of his D. We went out to dinner one night and ended up talking for several hours into the night. It seemed that we truly connected so we saw each other basically every day for 3 months straight. He introduced me to his parents, children and even told his soon to be x about me. He told me he loved me. We seemed to be meeting each others needs except we also seemed to be ignoring the harsh reality of our relationship...His D isn't final and even though I am a year outside of my D (a 3 year battle from start to finish), he certainly hasn't even begun to go through the healing process. And if I had faced reality, I am still healing!

So, recently he told me that he wanted to try to work things out with his W. I let myself get entangled emotionally with him and now the pain is more than I can bear. I did see some flags during the time I was with him, in his temperment and other things but I let myself get in deeper and deeper because I can't stand the loneliness. I understand you and am sorry for your pain. My Pastor says that when the right person comes along I will know without a shadow of a doubt.

So hang on to the hope of God's provision for a mate for you but in the meantime we need to learn how to live without a companion and learn how to be the best parent we can be. I hate this lonely feeling as do you, I just know in my heart that it's only for a season. (At least that's what I keep telling myself!!!)

Thank you for sharing your situation with me hanae. It encourages me to be strong when I realize that what I'm going through at the moment is, unfortunately, so common, and others are trying to be strong too. I can really, really relate to, and I requote again:
I am actually feeling better today, as I had a full day at work, picked the kids up from school, took them for their swimming lessons, bathed them when I got them home, prepared their dinner and put then to bed...then had to clean up all the dinner mess and then prepared their lunches for school....so too busy to think about myself! I will be going away with the boys this weekend when I don't have the kids...this would be a good distraction as I absolutely hate the W/Es when the children are not around! BTW, just to let you know, after much to and fro, my work colleague said just send her an SMS wishing her happy birthday...if it is only too make yourself feel better, and I sent a very short polite noncommittal birthday geeting via SMS and got a polite "thanks" response...so there you are!...not what you recommended but that's what I did... Also, I have made some enquiries to get some counselling re post divorce pain, hurt, healing etc. as was suggested above.

Thanks once agin for all those who have read my story, and especially those who have replied and provided so much support to an anonymous person on the web. I will post from time to time to let you know how I'm going. I'm sure that there will be lots of ups and downs!
Best wishes to all!

Hi again
I've been doing quite OK the last couple of weeks...busy with work, the kids and went away with the "boys" (male friends) the past W/E....time is healing the pain a little, albeit ever so slowly. Out of the blue yesterday, the recent exGF (not the exwife) sends a group email (obviously including me in her list of recipients) about a witty joke (although somewhat lewd) she had come across...this set of some confused thoughts in me again. Why did she send it? Is she just fishing to see what my response would be? Should I just ignore it? It's strange that just one email can tug at the heart strings again! Advice ?? thoughts??

Hi CandinP,

You sound lonely, as many of us are after divorce. This however is not the reason to be involved in a relationship. Being with someone before you're really ready will only put off the stuff you must deal with to be a healthy partner. The initial pleasure will cover up the loneliness & other issues you might face but they are still there.

Just know it's OK to be lonely. You can't avoid the pain of a failed marriage. You want someone in your life & that's good. Be sure you're happy with yourself before you seek out a partner. I find lonliness can allow us to wash over some qualities we see in others that may make them less than ideal partners.

Time does help. It gives us perspective & time to feel comfortable with ourselves.

Hi,
Just feeling a bit down today; looking for someone to cheer me up!....have been busy doing W/E things/activities but can't help thinking about the kids who are away on holidays with the ex this week...so it will be another week before I see them. Have tried to be positive about being single and by myself, and feeling generally ok about it until inadvertently I found out a liitle more about ex's new BF...already knew he existed but it still upset me...can't explain my feelings; i don't think it's jealousy, is it?

Hi looking, I don't know if I can cheer you up but HI! picture a big, friendly smile & a wave. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, my ex also has a gf, probably has had her for a while before we started down the road to D. He'd never admit it though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I feel two ways about this: Because ex lives with his gf she is a big presence in the lives of my boys. For that reason my wish is she be good to my boys. Period. If, however, my children weren't involved I'd likey want to see this "relationship" go the way so many affair relationships do & that is down the tubes.

As time goes on I get bits of information about their relationship & her & there's usually some negative feeling associated with that. I truly don't want ex back & I KNOW I'm better off without him but hearing some things does cause...wondering what if, pain, sorrow for the lose. I think these are normal feelings especially because I didn't want to end the marriage & worked very hard to keep us together.

But, you know what? I'm now in a position to find someone better suited to partnership with me. I know if I take time & choose wisely I'll find the person who will be a real partner & we will have many happy years together. Yeah, it can be lonely but I know this time allows me to be a better person & be better prepared for when the right one comes along.

I'm lucky because my jobs are as a potter & pottery teacher. I spend my time alone creating things & time with people teaching how to create things & I really enjoy it. The kinda unfortunate thing is in the past 3 years of teaching I've had two males total in my classes. I'm headded back to school for my master's in the not too distant future some who knows...maybe some available men will attend too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Looking,

Like everyone else has said, you need time for not only healing but time to feel good about you. Spend some time doing some things you love to do. After my divorce I didn't date for a very long time. I did a lot of things by myself, went to the beach by myself almost every weekend my ex had the kids, I teased my friends that I was becoming a beach bum, I would just lay out on a lounge chair, listen to the ocean, meditate or read a book... I went out to dinner by myself, I know most say they could never go to a nice restaurant by themselves but I have never had a problem there.

I found that I could enjoy being myself and I started really loving my independence.

I read an article not too long ago about a man who dated several women, married the wrong one and then went on a retreat, he discovered the same things I did...he made himself wonderful dinners by the fireplace at his home, did things for just himself, and found an inner peace with his life, he said that he stopped looking for a relationship and that is when the right one found him.

You are on the right track, you didn't marry out of desperation and lonliness like so many do, you will get there, just have some patience and just know that if you are healthy and happy alone, then that is when you will have the best judgment to find the perfect mate for the future.

Good luck,

Anna

Thanks nams for your kind words, and like you, I didn't want to end the marriage...

I think making the decision not to marry my exGF was one of the hardest decisons that I have had to make in my life...I hope the pain from this is short-lived and that it has prevented more pain down the track.

I still think a lot about these 2 women (exW & exGF) that have been in my life with sadness (especially when I feel lonely and alone)...my best friend tells me I must look to the future, not dwell on the past; good advice but not always easy to follow...however, i think overall I'm better since I first posted in May, but unfortunately, I still have my bad days.

Just a brief update and to encourage others....after remaining single for ~11 months (and it wasn't too bad...I did lots of activities such as bush walking, rock climbing etc which I had never done before!....and importantly, came to grips with the aftermath of my divorce), I met a great woman, and we have been seeing each other for nearly 9 months now. We have done some travelling together and will be doing more next year; the best thing is that my kids adore her and vice versa!

I know it is still early days, but the sun is shining again, and I post this update to bring hope and encouragment to others....if you read my first few posts, you can see my state of mind 18 months ago!

How timely for this thread to be revived right now. Thank you Looking4nike for sharing your story, and your update. I feel I'm heading down the same path. I began seeing this man 3 months ago. We had known each other for many years and he split up with his WW a year before me (and I remember the pain he went through at the time). It has been absolutely wonderful until about a week ago we had a slight misunderstanding. He was working shifts that week so I shrugged it off to being tired/cranky. But last night we had another one (long story short he seems to think I might be a little possessive and while I have never said or done anything directly to suggest this I can't promise that I haven't sent a vibe or said something subconciously to that effect). It has left me quite confused since not only am I concerned that I got into a R too soon, but perhaps he has as well. My gut feeling is it's the beginning of the end and reading the stories shared in this thread is starting to confirm that. So I don't exactly know what to do next. He's a great guy and there are a number of reasons to make the effort to get past this. But I also know I have a lot of healing to do (and perhaps he does too) and if it is doomed anyway, it is probably better to end it gracefully now than risk bitter, hard feelings later. As I said, I've known this guy for years and will see him again whether we are dating or not. There's certainly nothing going on worth making an enemy of him.

I need time to process.

Looking4Nike - Glad to hear you are doing soooo much better and have such a happy tone to your recent post.

Tabby1 - You may have fallen into the new R rather quickly, you probably just needed to "feel" good about yourself. Your WH did a number on you by having someone in his backpocket and ending the M so quickly. That's alot of hurt and jumbled feelings for someone to take all at once.

I haven't been "alone" per se, though I have been in a very empty M for a very long time. WH and I only commmunicate because of our business. I had to learn to go out to dinner, shoping, etc. ALONE...I've done that now for pushin 5 years. Yet, I still do not want to have a full-time, committed R with Anyone. I'm enjoying my alone time and my independance.

I do worry that I may never want someone "steady". Some of that may come from the emotional baggage that I will carry to my grave.

Hugs and Healing Vibes