I think through my time here at the MB I have had many ups and downs...some days I hated posting here, some days people hated me posting here.

I have learned alot about myself and others and really enjoy my time here and hopefully will continue to be a productive member of the forum...however some sad realities have come upon me today.

I think it has really dawned upon me that some people simply DON'T want help. They don't want to change. They don't want to escape the fear of their reality. They have become "comfortably uncomfortable" in their lives and marriages.......AND...the "support" they garner here HELPS them to do that. That is very troublesome for me today to realize. It is happening alot more than I ever realized. Perhaps I was clueless and am naive.

This thread is NOT aimed at anyone and has no specific point...just a rant I guess.

Lem

Have some fun today

OK?

really

get stupid with some friends

I have 2 hysterical laffin' teenagers cleaning my kitchen right now .. with REALLY LOUD music as a backdrop ... and I cannot figure what the hayul they are laffin at

but I am in such a good mood just listening to them

I'd send them over to clean your kitchen ... but the shipping costs are prohibitive

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

lem,

You make a very valid point. Many pople come here for help but won't or can't take the advice they hear. They want to believe they are different.

The one thing i have learned and it has taken some 2x4's sometimes to get through to me , I am not special and neither is my STXWH (first time I have used that term).

So with that said I just want to say I have listened and now see I can not change anyone but me. So descions have been made with my life and happiness in mind. I am letting go as hard as it is and moving ahead.... I am leaving my home and moving 1400 miles away from here and his destruction.

To tell you the truth its the support and encouragement i have reciieved here that has given me the strength to make such a hard choice.

I wish everyone who came here would read and see the great advice they get and realize everyone here wants to help... We just have to open up and listen and see the truth ..

Hurting

LM

I agree with you. I feel 'mugged'when I have invested time and cycles into helping somebody only to find they just wanted to bask in the reflected light of their drama. I understand this approach, as you do I am sure, as your tale reads like an episode of 'days of our lives' with YOU as Dr. Drake Remoray ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I realised a few months back that I need to fit my own oxygen mask before trying to help others.

You good people, BTW.

LM,

What you post is reality. So what should we do? Well, for me, I post what I know I should, if it helps fine.....if it doesn't, that's their choice. I encourage people to take the good and discard the bad. Some posters want t/b placated. Others want help....still others want but can't accept the help as outlines.....always looking for that instant fix or shortcut.

See it's their decision, the remedy ends up being the same.....it just takes some longer to see it and implement it. Alas a few will never see it.

Still we plug along. Your are in the health/wellness profession. Helping people through crisis and illness is what u r trained t/d. The part they don't train enough for is the rejection and the how to deal with the pain of having to watch someone give up good treatment or advice. Still at times we are amazed at the inner strength at those who defy all odds. Same sitch, different outcomes. Some within our control and others not.

Life sometimes stinks, doesn't it?

Hugz,
L.

Post deleted by Cherished

From the perspective of someone who has come here for help recently, I must say that the advice I have recieved has been wonderful.

It may have taken a little time to realize that the dificult things (such as exposure) were really necessary, but it did get through, and when implemented, did help.

I'd just like to say thanks from someone new who came here for guidance

I also am someone who has come here seeking help. I have had so many people offer me guidance and suggestions on steps I need to take. While some of them are not easy (exposure) and it took me a while to get to the point that I understand it is something I MUST do. Those that were offering advice continued to show their patience and the reasons behind their suggestions.

Those of you mentors that so unselfishly give the help please don't get discouraged if it looks like we are not listening. Some of us just have to absorb the information in order for it to sink in.

There have been times I have sat in front of this keyboard crying and feeling like things are hopeless, but no one here gave up on me. So please accept this as my personal thank you to those of you that take the time in your busy lives to help us. YOU ARE APPRECIATED.

I disagree. I think everyone comes here looking for help. The advice here is invaluable and it has helped me and I have seen it help others tremendously. Where else can a person go when they feel like all hope is lost, they feel like giving up not only on their marriage but their life, and perfect strangers post and "talk" to them until they realize that EVERY life is worth living no matter how bad it seems.

Personally I think the problem happens when the pros as we will call them get frustrated when the person doesn't do EXACTLY what they say. It's not that people are not listening, but FEAR has a lot to do with it. It's easy to say...what would you do if you weren't afraid...but to actually DO IT are two different things.

We are ALL listening and APPRECIATE the advice given. And a lot of us are probably implementing that advice at home, but just not posting about it here.

Please know that this board with all it's quirkyness and differing personalities provides a great service to many people. I mean, Melody Lane telling KiwiJ's husband about her contact with her OM, not to be malicious, but out of TRUE concern for their marriage speaks VOLUMES! Some may not like the way she presents herself on this board, but I would cherish anyone who told me the TRUTH about my cheating spouse.

LM-
you make a good point. many of us come here, ask for advice, and perhaps only follow the advice that we ourselves would have offered in the first place. Sometimes, the situation is ACUTELY painful, like what was going on with Kiwi, and fast action needs to be taken.

Moreoften, the problem is a CHRONIC problem, one that we have grown "comfortably uncomfortable" with, if I may steal your words. In my situation, I think I followed most of the advice I was offered. I exposed the A to my H, demanded NC, did plan A. Everything went according to plan. The A is over, there is NC. But the lovebank remains empty, despite efforts on both parts to fill it. It seems that the A has bored a hole in the bottom of my lovebank, and it will not fill at all. (Empty Me-Lovebank = empty H-lovebank.)

I've read your story recently, LM, and I see that you had something ACUTE happen to jar you out of comfortable uncomfortability. I don't have that. What I have is a husband who is a good father, repentant WS, and hard worker. I looked, and I didn't see any mention of children in your story. We have two beautiful children, and they are VERY ATTACHED to both of us. Divorce would have a much bigger impact on them than, say, a child whose Dad had been a creep from the get-go.

I think others are in similar binds. Pio seems to be fighting because of children, too. No, I wouldn't be here in this M if it weren't for the kids. Really, though, isn't it incredibly selfish of me to put my kids through he11 just so I can find that "red hot love" that is probably out there? I mean, I had my chance, and I blew it. You sleep in the bed you make. We've tried, and it looks like this is as nice as the bed will ever get. Do I really have the right to go over and trash my children's beds, just because I don't like mine? Maybe. I dunno.

That is the reason I stay and read and post. Not that I'm expecting an easy answer, but I try to look at the body of evidence of failed and saved marriages, to try to see where mine will end up. In the meantime, I promise to at least listen to whatever advice is offered.

I was one who didn't listen.

I came here a few years ago - the vets told me to go to Plan B - I came up with every excuse not to leave. I was afraid to leave him - I still loved him.
And hindsight being what it is - That would have been the best thing for the M. It would have fixed it sooner or broke it down quicker.
A long painful goodbye or ending is tough on both parties and that's where we STILL are today..3+ years later.

I will say that I did follow some advise - exposed a few of his MOW and really that just made my life worse. Though, at the time, I didn't realize that maybe MB principals weren't cut out for my M issues. I believe some M have been hurt deeply by my exposure and it didnt' help restore their M. I'm not sure of who's M is still together and who's isn't. But, I know there are MOW out there that would like to strangle me and they blame me for the demise of their M, due to my exposure.

I never meant to hurt anyone, I only wanted these MOW out of my M and my husband to love me..That's all..it's true, we don't always get what we want...

Hugs...

Please allow this "thread jack" for a minute.

""But, I know there are MOW out there that would like to strangle me and they blame me for the demise of their M,""

ItH, This is some baggage that your should NOT be carrying!!

YOU did not destroy any M's. You gave the BHs the knowledge that their Ws were infidels.

YOU DID RIGHT!! YOU STOOD UP TO THEM!!

Of course the robber wants to strangle the cop that caught him burgling the house.

Now back to our regular scheduled program. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Doctor, there are some members who ask the questions, we advise, and they argue with our advise!! That does burn me up.

Many come here thinking they are the only one that feel this way and then find out they are not alone.

As Martha would say "This is a good thing."

kirk

LM, when I was in group supervision while doing my counseling internship one of the interns said this. I've quoted it several times here and I think it fits with what you're saying. She said, "People will take action when their avoidance becomes more painful than the changes they must make." I think that fits for people who come here. For a BS like me the thought of OW continuing to work for H was worse than him leaving me if I made him choose. So I took the risk and I made him choose. For others that fear of losing their WS is just too overwhelming, so they'd rather avoid what has to be done.

Bob, if you're still around there's a guy here (Dazed?) who began a thread called "Need Advice". You might be able to help him if you don't mind. Thanks!

((( Dr. Lemon )))

Yes, I agree with you. But -- just imagine how many, many lurkers, or those you are not posting to directly, are being helped by expert advice.

While it may seem to you that your words are falling on deaf ears ~~ I assure you, many are listening...

Sincerely, Carnation

CV, this is so true. IMO people change when they are absolutely forced to by difficult events in their lives, and not a moment sooner. If they can still avoid changing, 99% of the time they will.

A lot of people on MB, as in the rest of life, are not at the brink yet. It doesn't mean they will never be there.

What about you, LM? Do you think you have made changes, in some ways for the better, through your painful sit? Do you think you would have changed without it?

Let's not ignore the time factor.

People do have to mull and work through and up to things.

Personally I would be SCARED if people started just DOING what I tell them to verbatim.

Better dot those Is and cross them Ts

I'd probably quit posting.

They have to take whatever replies they read..add that to all the other *opinions*..run this through the filter of their own person value system or hangups or whatever..then ..eventually..they'll act. Or not.

Which is probably why we see less immediate reaction and more advocation from much further down the road...assuming that their experience with MB advice was something they wanted to repeat.

So..most of the time..these things remain sort of hypothetical..talk about things based on principle.

Lots of high fivery..and arguing.

It's a discussion board..what do you expect?

Yes, yes LM. I too see this and become frustrated sometimes...as your signature 'says'.

But, the ever optimistic, I think of it this way. What words and advice I give today may be remember later, days, months, years later...when THEY are ready.

And then I think about all those lurkers that are gaining SOooo much from your and other's words.

Noodle, I had to giggle!
I too would stop giving advice if I knew people would just follow it straight away and to the letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I mean, my advice is great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. At least I follow it, most of the time.

The MB forum has been CRITICAL to my sanity and, what I hope to be a successful recovery. Give only what you can. If you're burned out on the pain and frustration that this board can bring, take a break. I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the level of time, effort and care that regular posters put into helping strangers. I have been helped and I'm trying to give back. I may not always be on target but I do hope I'm contributing in some way by sharing my perspective.

I was one of those that did not follow the advice to expose that I was given because I was not ready to follow it. My fear is that I was shunned for this.

I learned (still learning!) some priceless lessons here. The first, and hardest, lesson was that my situation was not special. Not different. That it followed a well-worn pattern. That knowledge was frightening and empowering both.

Consider:


Try as you may to MAKE a person ready to do something they themselves know should be done, you cannot. Have patience with the humans!

Consider this:



And one more quote I found on a Google search I think is appropriate:



Regular posters on this board are SAVING LIVES. Saving marriges. I dread to think where I would be without MB. Regular posters that are frustrated - don't think for a minute that your time spent here is in vain. For what I've taken I thank you.

Any others reading this thread that have benefited from the tireless efforts of 'the regulars' or anyone else on this board - this is a good time to give thanks. The warriors here cannot hear it enough.

THANK YOU

From my experience of 4 months past d-day and reading here all I can say is:

Before I posted I read MB web page. All I read was great and made a lot of sense.

Then I come here on the boards, I read and read and posted and yelled for help.

I have received very good advise, I am very thankful, but I have to admit, only now, I am realizing I haven't quite followed or understood exactly every good advise I received.

I realized some things take time. Some times I was so overwhelmed that I just couldn't listen or see it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And right now all that advice is very useful because it's coming from the back of my head when I need it.

Yes, sometimes I think, well should I have done that when I was told I would be at a better place right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, trying to follow the path of recovery, I believe I am slowly following thru the right path, and believe me, paying much more attention to the advice I receive or is given to others in similar situations.

THank you all who are patient to bare us newbies and sometimes some what stubborn newbies, and in my case you even have to deal with bad writing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So my THANKS to all of you.

And don't forget, if the person you're trying to reach is not yet ready to listen, there are SO many readind thru who receives the message <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />