I am posting on this sight because of what I have done to my wife. I have a wife who I love and two beautiful children age 3 and 3 months. I was recently caught in an emotional affair with a co-worker. I was emailing this person about personal matters and we became wasy to close as far as co-workers is concerned. My wife discovered the emails and was extremely hurt by my actions. We were trying to rebuild from this situation and she was telling me that I needed to be completely honest about everything with her. I was not, and this has thrown us back into turmoil. She had asked me direct questions and I did not answer truthfully. I was afraid to tell the truth despite the fact that she told me and I new that was what she needed. I denied other affairs, but I was chatting with women online throughout our marriage. There was one woman I chatted with for almost a year. This happened a year before the emotional affair at work, but I was afraid to tell her about it when she asked if there was other things she needed to know. I knew she needed to know this and I know I should have told her, but I was afraid of what it would do to the progress we had been making. I was ashamed of my actions and afraid of the trouble it would cause and of how my wife would think of me for engagfing in such things. I have never physically cheated, but the online conversations were sexual. I don't know why I would do such a thing when I was aware that it was wrong and that it would hurt my wife and jeopardize my marriage. I don't know why I would do this when I have beautiful children who I love and know need me in their life. Despite all of this I couldn't stop myself from continuing this behavior...even though there were several unsuccessful attempts to stop. I have lied repeatedly to my wife, mostly by omission or not answering questions truthfully. I know I should not have to wait for my wife to ask me questions, but I just want to turn a page and move on....easier said than done. I will seek out counseling and do anything to make things better, but I am afraid that I have already done too much damage and that my wife will never recover from this...or give me a change to prove myself. I can't say I'd blame her, but I want that more than anything in the world. I'm sorry this is so long and I could type forever, but I know that won't make anything better either. Just looking for some advice or thoughts!

Have you heard of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder? It has good information about how to recover from affairs, emotional affairs, the message of affairs. Also, he was on Family Life Today's radio show a few weeks ago talking about this topic. I wasn't able to hear the whole thing, so I went to their website and read the transcript. You can also listen to it. That might be agood place to start.

Hope this helps a little. Good that you are seeking counseling. Have you told your wife about MB? It might help her too.

WH, the title of your thread indicates you are confused and ashamed. You should be ashamed, on at least two levels. One, you betrayed your marriage and your wife. Those vows didn't say "forsake all others except when I want to online." Second, you've betrayed every principle of honor and personal integrity you hold dear. You’ve betrayed yourself. What are your parents going to think?

Okay, enough of that. I don’t know when JM will forgive you. I assure you it’s going to be a long process. You’ve destroyed the innocence in your marriage along with her trust in you; they won’t soon be recovered.

Here’s where you can start though. Get a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Read the whole thing, but study the last half of the book where it discusses advanced marital recovery and preventing such abuses in the future.

Also, here’s a thread from another MB poster that summarizes many of the things you have to do to make amends to your wife for the wrong you’ve done the marriage.


What The Ws/Bs Must Do To Reconcile


There’s a start for you, WH. You have tons of work to do to get your marriage back on track. Get to work.

jmjmsWH I have been where you are and I will let you know if you don't radically change your thinking and your believe structure you will continue to do this and you will do a PA in the future..... but you have made a great first step by admitting that you have done something wrong....

but are you sure why you did any of it, why you chatted why you had an EA... Like everyone says the Affair is not where it begins its just one of the paths your problems can take.

The last thing I will leave you with for now is that you need to change your attitude, I have been there - doom and gloom.... I have gone to far to make it better. that is just giving up.....

You need to wake up every morning and say to yourself 10 times in the mirror "Today I will make my marriage better than I did yesterday and tomorrow my marriage will be better than today." You get the right attitude things will improve.
I would suggest that you goto your W and tell her that you want to be radically honest with her, you need to tell her the facts as facts don't put any purpose or ideas why behind it.

Then you get into IC and you and your W get into MC

"Despite all of this I couldn't stop myself from continuing this behavior...even though there were several unsuccessful attempts to stop."

Have you considered sexual addiction (SA)? I think there is a questionnaire online...maybe not at www.recoverynation.com but somewhere. I forget where I came across it. At this website, there is a program for the addict and their partner...your dear wife. For recovery.

This isn't an excuse nor a defect, JMS...this is real...has more to do with secrets than sex...and secrets break marriages apart...block intimacy...

Find a counselor who specializes in SA, if you determine that may well be your situation.

There is a road to redemption...your choice. Marriages can be recovered and rebuilt...they can thrive. Please do not doom yours with your thoughts of too much damage. Takes faith in your partner, and yourself, openness and honesty as antidotes.

You can do this.

LA

Some tough questions for you.

What did/do you get out of these EA's?

What did/do you get out of being dishonest about them?

What affect do the EA's have on your M?

What affect does the dishonesty have on your M?

Is it worth it?

You are looking for something, it is filling a need you have but why do you have these needs?

Your wife is correct you need to be honest.

What if she does find out something you did and doesn't want to be with you anymore? Isn't it better for her to know now instead of 5 years from now? What a waste of time and energy.

My FWW just came clean last week and I have spent 3 years thinking I could deal with her actions. Now I am not so sure. I am not sure if I am not sure because of what she did or because of all of the lies. She basically said exactly what you have said regarding the dishonesty. She lied through ommision I don't know how many times. I am trying to give her a chance right now but I don't know if I can deal with all of the lies. They hurt more then the A sometimes.

You did what you did and there are ramifications for your actions. Don't try to avoid them by being dishonest. Live up to your past and she will see you as a much better person. Hard to trust someone that is not worthy of trust.

I always tell people I hope they learn from my mistakes. I am hurting more this last week after the 20th D Day then I have hurt in a long time.

jmjmsWH,

You are at a huge crossroad in life. The well being of you and your family lies at your feet. What are you going to do?

Your instinct is to protect yourself, to hide this shame and guilt and carry on, hoping it never happens again. You need to override this instinct and realize that it will not heal the wound, it will only let it fester and rot.

Expose yourself to you wife (and yourself). Go to your pastor/priest/rabbi/counselor and stop hiding. Get on the path to being a person you would be proud of.

There is a reason for your behaviour. There is a source. You must find it and fix the problem, otherwise it will always be there, whispering to you.