yes i am journaling both....

You are really angry with yourself, CL...

Your face is yours...remove it from hers when she's in it.

Don't DJ her with the nonchalant label...challenge her..."By meeting OM, you are continuing your affair." State your truth, CL...then you will not self-betray and your anger from you to you will come down a bit.

"We are not friends. We are wife and husband."

"I cannot be friends with anyone who is against our marriage."

"This is our house...you cannot speak to your affair partner in our house."

(I had to do this...simple statements...WH went outside to talk to OW...his choice.)

Stop focusing on what she shows you or doesn't. Stop focusing on her altogether. You are adding to your self-betrayal...you are worth focusing on. You are worth stating your truth, practicing O&H. You are worth more than feeding resentment you are creating from your focus being on her and not on you...like you're not worth it.

Reassure yourself you are taking steps...you have a plan, you and your marriage are worth you getting rid of your expectations...and modify the response I gave you

"Choose to be decent--move out."

Deep breathing, CL. Inhale a lot of goodness and breathe out the resentment...know your pain...trace it...don't accept generalizations.

LA

just the other day - very calmly i told her

we are not friends...we are married and that you can't just take off your rings and call it a day.

&

I have told her that the phone calls in the house are unacceptable and disrespectful.

she doesn't care and continues her poor behavior.

LA - what exactly do you mean by this - Your face is yours...remove it from hers when she's in it.

yes i do have a plan...called attorney the deed paper work should arrive by the end of the week - early next week. Custody is sealed up - i also confirmed this today and got all supporting paper work to document it
- long CRAZY story short - my d is mine (she is adopted - she has been with us since she was 6 months old - adoption was supposed to go through jointly - but got screwed up by an attorney - who is now disbarred and going to jail - anyway WW's paper work was supposed to go through just a couple of weeks ago - then all of this happened - so i asked attorney what to do - she said not to file the paper work or else she could fight for custody) as it stands WW can't touch her...and will have to go through me to get any visitation. God does work in mysterious ways - we fought so hard to get this straightened out...quickly and she pulls this right when it was getting done.

I know where the rings are - is it wrong for me to put them away somewhere - i paid alot of $$$ for them? any thoughts on this?

yes the pain is unbearable...it comes and it goes - but when it hits - it hits HARD

I'd like to write a very firm - plan b letter - i know that it is supposed to be a love letter of sorts - but i am not sure how to do this right now. help

You turn on your heel and walk away.

They are her rings you have put away?

It`s my understanding that as soon as you are married the engagement ring and her wedding ring bceome her property. An engagement ring must be returned if the engagement if broken before the M but once you are married I think both her rings then belong to her even if you divorce. I am not sure of the laws about this but traditionally this is the way it goes.

Check out Pep`s Plan B thread. You can also go over to the Plan A/Plan B board to get ideas.

She might not know about the legal requirements for rings and such. Put them away somewhere, and deal with returning them IF she makes a point of asking for them in the legal paperwork. She probably won't. She sure doesn't show any respect for them and displays no sense of valuing them now.

Goodmorning MB Crew...
this morning was another tough one. WW went out last night (as she always does - it was a work thing - but anyway...) She took the car into the city and someone came along and bashed in our rear windshield. She called home in around 11pm but i didn't get the call for some reason - so she called Op to help her tape up the windshield so she could drive home.

She told me that he helped her - and i lost it. I told her that it all had to stop...that OP was all over everything in our lives and it was wrong. that the damage she was doing was tremendous...that she had no respect for me...that the middle of the nigght phone calls had to stop. she said she was respectful by not putting it in my face (HA) i said as long as it was going on in the house it was in my face.

she SWEARS they aren't sleeping together...i said it didn't matter if they were or not - that the connection was just as dangerous & damaging- that I didn't want to hear OP's name - nothing.

She said she didn't want to hear about her choices. that she knew she was hurting me and we could talk about how i feel but didn't want to hear about what she was doing.

she said she stays away from the house because she doesn't feel connected. that it makes me miserable and when she is gone - everyone hates her anyway - so what does it matter.

where do we go from here...

Lost, it seems to me you're still believing things your wife tells you. Maybe it's force of habit or something. Rule of thumb: if a cheater's mouth is moving, the cheater is lying. Get used to it.

You say she had a "work" thing that lasted at least until 11:00 PM? On a Tuesday night? Very strange job your wife has. She calls (on her cell phone?), but you just happen not to get the call? Did you check the call list on her cell phone? Then she had to call OM to come and tape up a REAR windshield? Excuse me, but a car can be driven quite easily with the rear windshield completely missing. My take: she went into the city to meet the OM and someone saw her with him, or she thinks someone might have and she was doing damage control by telling you before you heard. Maybe not. Maybe the Titanic was built to be a submarine.

I see she's having nice little pity parties, at your expense. Self-pity is such a good way to manipulate people around oneself. Sounds to me like she’s pretty good at turning things from hurting you to pity for herself. The pity, of course, serves two purposes. It manipulates you and gets you to back off, and then it serves as justification for whatever she does outside the home.

How long do you consider yourself to have been in Plan A? How long did you give yourself before initiating Plan B? Are you ready to pull the trigger on a legal separation and court order for her to vacate the family home?

Anytime a spouse puts another person ahead of their marriage it is an affair...because it brings a third-party into a two-party marriage...whether they are sleeping together or not.

Reality--the police would be called to make a report of the damage...and yes, OP didn't have a thing to do with it because she could have done it all herself, with police help, or driven home with it the way it was...OP was already there.

There is no "we" in "where do we go from here"...because she is choosing life without a family...you don't have to take care of her broken windshields...she's on her own. She's choosing that. Whether you got the call or not...she is responsible for her whereabouts and her choices...whether she wants to hear it or not.

Hand them back to her. These are consequences...same with vehicle breakdowns, flat tires...get set on what is hers and what is yours.

You can do this.

LA

i guess my problem is that i love her...even throughout the pain and the anger and disgust for what she is doing - i love her. i don't want to - i want my brain to lead me - but my heart tells me something different...and right now i hate my heart.

i have been in plan A for 2 months...with some ups and downs but for 2 months.

***Anytime a spouse puts another person ahead of their marriage it is an affair...because it brings a third party into a two-party marriage...whether they are sleeping together or not.***

This should be permanently printed at the top of the MB site.

Mind if I use it in my sig line?
Mulan

Lost, Dr. Harley says in SAA a man pursues Plan A for an average of six months, but an average is built from high numbers and lower ones. With your WW’s “in your face” persistence in her adultery, I don’t see you going too much longer. I hope others will comment on this, but I think it’s time for you to start working out a Plan B.

Oh, Mulan...too honored...actually choked up...of course.

LA

CL,

Please don't be your own enemy...you love your wife...you are choosing to love her. Stand by your belief. Know that this acknowledgement of your choice is showing you how you choose to love...

Love is not a doormat...love does not betray (and you don't betray yourself)...love is knowing where you end and the other person begins...love is respectful...love does not make selfish demands...love does not judge...

I celebrate your choice to love...making love an action...staying present...love can be choosing to put all her stuff in the driveway...love means not getting in the way of someone's consequences...

Love means you know she is as human as you are...hear her when she says she believes everyone hates her...and do not take responsibility for that...out of love.

Love has many parts...respect, acceptance, acknowledgement, understanding, appreciation, admiration...so many parts. Know your own parts...love is honest and true. Do not make your wife your enemy in your mind...the WW and the A is the enemy...know they are separate.

You know where your control ends...and celebrate what you cannot control as much as you celebrate what you are responsible for...keep those limits in mind...and ease your own pain.

You can do this. Whether you choose Plan B or not...your choice...please clear your intent to be a pure one...held to your code...and know you are not attempting to manipulate an outcome here...you are being honest, true, faithful, present, respectful...all love. Your choice.

LA

It seems strange to be that someone would "randomly" Bash your WW's window, and nothing was stolen?

Who would be that pissed at your WW?

Maybe OM's X, or not so X? I would be digging to find her.

She might make a solid allie, even if she refuses to pay for the window.

CL,

""i guess my problem is that i love her...even throughout the pain and the anger and disgust for what she is doing - i love her.""

Do you really love her???....or love the memory of the person she used to be. You love the memory of the family you were a part of..you, your DD, and your LOVING wife. You love the good times and the loving times that were. You love the memories and you love the way it was.


It is not that way now. That is why I asked if she agreed to NC and come back how would you feel? How would you react to that?

There is an alien in your W's body. Yet I don't think this is just the fog talking. Her friends and even family have told you that this has happened before, correct?

I don't know if there is any future in this, if she is a serial selfish deathwish type of person.

Are there drugs or an overly amount of alcohol involved? Is the OM a tweaker (crystal meth)and has he hooked her? Can you pin point when the wackiness started? Seems like there has to be another element in play here with her.

Sorry, just my thoughts running out of my fingers.

k

hey krusht - i think you nailed it on the head - I am in love with the memory. I was at my sister's house this weekend - her husband and kids were all there - just living their lives - a life i thought i had. it wrecked me beyond belief.

and yes you are right again - she is th SERIAL SELFISH DEATHWISH TYPE.

Her family kept asking me if i saw the other side of her yet - and how was i doing. i had seen little bits of it - but nothing like this....this is a nightmare.

no drugs or alcohol - she barely drinks...she doesn't like to loss control of herself (thats a joke eh

if she agreed to no contact - i don't know if i would even trust her.

it wouls also take MEGA THERAPY - and she is unwilling. I told her today - really kindly for the record - that she should consider individual therapy - she proceeded to self diagnos - say she was spiraling downward and that they wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know.

she also added that the car being damaged - is karma coming to get her - because she is acting so horribly.

don't be sorry K about your thoughts...all input is good. I will give it back someday.

i actually saw the OP's supposed ex - when i was picking up my D. I ran to catch up with her...and then my wife and D showed up and stopped me in my tracks. Maybe she did bash it in...good for her if she did - I wouldn't even ask her to pay - it scared the CRAP out of my w - and she needs to be shaken right now - insurance is covering it - so it is a hundred bucks well spent.

HEY HEY THIS IS CLASSIC!!!! So i discovered ww has a my space page where it states STATUS: SINGLE & CHILDREN: DOES NOT WANT KIDS

LOVELY EH? THIS ONE IS A KEEPER!

ok - see the LB drops to 0 very quickly - i think i need some help at keeping it there!

I think every myspace page verifies the fantasy world WS's are really in...says nothing about them...just their fantasy.

Ouch, CL...I know that hurts. Found that ol' singles ad copy WH had written...and he described me for pete's sake!

I remember.

Fantasy...I swear to you. Just like when we were kids and lived in castles, I promise.

LA