When the situation between you and your ex gets ugly, like over CS or visitation or whatever, how do you protect your new sweetie from the turmoil and upheaval?

I'm thinking in the beginning, the less said, the better. Because, while our ex's all know how to push our buttons, we really should recognize it for what it is--button pushing.

On the other hand, I know it takes me a couple of hours to be able to see the humor in the situation. For example, I'm currently the bad guy because 1) I had a babysitter for the girls for three hours during the 16-day stint when B was traveling on business. 2) I should have told B in advance about the babysitter. 3) The babysitter is evidence I only want to spend time with my children at my convenience, and therefore, I shouldn't ask to make up the time B took the kids to visit his family on weekend. 4) I am completely beyond comprehension.

Sometimes, it can get pretty funny, but at first I do tend to get sucked into the game. Then, I get upset. If I can't reach my good friends for advice, I am tempted to turn to M. And he doesn't understand why I just don't tell B "This is unacceptable behavior. I will not tolerate this."

I'm trying. I'm getting better. Still.

So what advice do you all have?

BTDT --
Green -- great topic!

Right now, my X and I are on the worst terms we've ever been on. To the point I can hardly stand to talk to him.

And the source of it is money. He owes me a lot from our business settlement. I've had to be the "bill collector" which is not an easy role for me. I hate it.

As far as turning to BF, I try really hard not to. He thinks I'm being "too nice." If I get any nastier, then the kids are really going to pay the price (with their parents unable to be civil..)

I know I need to have a place to vent. Friends are the best! My parents too. Its especially helpful to have friends who have the same problems, we can be each others support system.

The ones I really need to avoid these subjects with are BF, and the kids (of course!) I think especially in a new relationship there is always some fear or concern about "feelings" you might have for an X. Understandable.

Great topic! Hopefully we can vent & get some ideas.

Things are difficult between ex & me now as well. I'm the bad guy because I "give my kids too much responsibility". Plus, I've asked for dates ex will have the boys this summer so I can plan my time.

ex came back with dates & added a few days "I'm going leave the kids with you" so he can take some alone time. I said fine I'd help him out, & would hope for the same consideration should I need it. He got pissed & "withdrew" the dates saying "we'll work it out as it comes along". This leaves me with no way to plan my time.

We have a deal, he can leave his "stuff" at my house & in return does work around here. He wanted to come this past Fri. evening, I said that wouldn't work for me. He asked why, I said personal reasons. So, he just shows up unannounced Sun., even though I'd explicitly asked when he was coming, & begins work.

I know I win more flys with honey rather than vinegar, but I'm hard pressed to find the kindness I need to deal with this.

As to your question GG, I'd say do not involve M. It's a no win situation. He loves you & doesn't want to see you "pushed around" by your ex however, he doesn't know your ex like you do.

What you want is for M to hold you & make things better. Tell him you just need a hug & to know he cares for you. If he presses just say it's no big deal just some logistical stuff with ex. He probably doesn't really want to hear it any way.

Thanks for the great advice. I don't think I'll share much with M.

I think it must be worse when one is remarried. Then, the new person becomes involved just by extention.

[color:"purple"]GG,

The longer that you are in the game, the less you will be sucked into it if you work at becoming more sensitive to your buttons and less predictable in your reactions.

For instance - you know the ex is pushing buttons. Think about what feelings he brings out like guilt or fear. How he manipulates your feelings by saying things that cause you fear or guilt. Then tell yourself that you are a good mother and that you don't have to feel guilt and he will never be able to win those kids in court so you don't have to fear him. Then practice controlling your reaction to his manipulations.

Pretty soon he will be a minor annoyance and you will begin to adapt boundaries to protect your time from his interference.

As far as your BF is concerned, tell him honestly that you are upset because your ex is manipulating you and messing in your life. Tell him that if you got to talking about it it would probably be a huge vent and you would rather spend your time with him to be more pleasant.

If BF still expresses concern and offers to listen - then let him hear your vent.

Oh, and explain to BF that women vent to be heard and men like to vent to troubleshoot and find solutions. Tell him kindly that you'd like him just to listen and not to worry about solving the problem.

V.

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Thanks, V. That's very good advice.

SVA, those things work when you are dealing with normal people, but some of these guys don't think normally.
GG, I'd not mention it. I get interesting advice from friends, particularly as X filed a court motion to make me his chauffer. Now, I have to fight that motion, while X continues to do things outside the best interest of the kids.

GG, did you include right of first refusal in the agreement? If not, clarify it. Mine says 2 hours before the other parent should be asked. Present it to B that if he's interested, you will call him if you can't be with the kids for 4 hours on your parenting time. And, ask him when he plans to "make up" his time with the girls.

Some people are not normal, and will never think as we expect. I keep refering to the NPD website for explanations.
We are doing the best we can under the circumstances. We are good mothers - despite the X's comments. And we all seem to work in the best interests of the children - which is not always the case with the other parent.

Take care, off to catch up on my zzzzzs.

Time helps. Hubby and I try to stay out of dealings with each others' ex. But once in a while we both need to vent about them.

One thing about having really *lovely* ex partners to deal with, is we are always united against them. I never take my ex's side against hubby, and vice versa. We just commiserate a little about who is a ***** and who is a ****, and then let it go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The best way to deal with this is to reach the point when X's words/complains/critics don't upset you at all.
Yes, I know, it is hard, but not impossible.
Once you reach that point, it is not interesting anymore to speak about (to anyone).

(Working on it still <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

xhs....ah...dealing with darth.

what fun! or should I add NOT>...not fun at all.

although we're in a "peaceful cycle" now...

it is sooo predictable in dealing with my xh. he cycles totally. from peace to war and back again.

right now it's "peace" b/c he's moved into his lakeside manor...his little slice o heaven. He can actually like that place so much and all his water toys there he can forget that FV his wistress wifey even lives there (it's that big). he is happy.

when he finds out I AM HAPPY... it is a different sitch. How dare Peach become happy...I didn't ok that memo! that is darth to a t. How dare I get a bf. How dare I move on. How dare THE BF LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE. that will cause war I belive if things proceed ahead.

now I think also this pseudo-peace stage will last until he becomes yet again complacent. then it's time for "stop, drop, and roll"....he is like Mt. st. helen's volcano...right now dormant, but a few rumblings...and then someday he just explodes.

when he gets complacent with life, he will create drama and do some stuff to sabotage ...YES SABOTAGE his life to give him his drama/self love he feeds off of.

I have found this with my other divorced friends. especially if their x happened to be a nonrepentant ws. they cycle because it is FOREVER ALL ABOUT THEM.

I know how to not get into fights with my xh. i frame EVERY SINGLE CONVO with him in terms of "him". he gets that. sad I know. but it works. when I place all in terms of him, he is ok.

sadly, he said a few mos, back, "well peach, it's great that we can GET ALONG SO WELL NOW." and the man has no idea why he believes it...it's because I got his number. his wayward number.

i think that's the easiest way to diffuse a ws/x bomb.

to frame all interactions in terms of "them".

and they respond favorably <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just cross your fingers about my dating sitch. we have to find a way to make it work.