Hello. I originally started a thread in the Just Found Out group titled "found out, need to know what to do next" but was advised to move here.

Here's a summary of my situation (sorry if I mess up the abbreviations):
- married just less than 3 years
- W came back from out of country training on May 12th (1 week away)
- W acting different and no longer had interest in things we planned to do
- W eventually moved to a separate bedroom
- on the 18th W said she wanted to separate and would move in with her parents
- found out W was emailing pictures of herself and did some digging and found out, mostly via email, that W had PA with OM while away

I received excellent advice to go with Plan A and prepare to confront her. Unfortunately, WS wanted to move out sooner than later so I confronted her on the 19th. WS initially denied the A but then said it was 'talking only'. I asked her to stop all communication with OM which she agreed to.

WS moved in with parents on the 20th. I talked to her by phone on the 21st and told her that I knew the full extent of the A. WS said she had to go and wouldn't discuss the A but would phone me this evening.

I was really sitting on the fence about exposing but when I found out on the 21st that WS was still phoning OM I decided to expose to her parents.

Today (22nd), I went to her parents while WS was at work and told them what I knew. I also printed out some of the emails. MIL would not believe it was anything more than an innocent kiss which is what WS told her. She could not accept that WS had lied to her. I told her the evidence was there if they looked at it. I left the emails there (I still have copies) but I don't know if they'll be able to bring themselves to look at it or just go on believing what they want to. They said that they want to stay out of it because it's our problem and they probably won't even mention that I was there.

There was a fair amount of blaming me for letting the M get into the state that it did. I told them that I knew changes were needed and that I was committed to making them (which I honestly am). Lack of communication is the biggest problem. I told them that I forgave WS for what happened but cannot accept her continuing to contact the OM. I was trying to get them to offer some assistance in this but I think they want to remain hands off. I did leave a printout from this site on the mindset of WS which I hope will let them accept the truth.

When WS goes back to her parents today, either they will say something and all ****** will break loose or, more likely, they'll keep quiet. I'm still glad I went through with it even if I don't get any support from them.

I now need to come up with a plan. I'm not really in a position to expose to anyone else because we just moved here and only know her immediate family. My parents already know and were also pushing me to expose. The OM is divorced and lives in another country. I have contact details for him but no one else.

I will continue with what I think is plan A for another couple of weeks anyways. I need to read more on what I'm supposed to do (this has all happened so fast). I will also:
- finish unpacking our things and tidy up so that the house looks like a nice place to live in
- contact local clubs for interests I have to get out of the house
- possibly get some home exercise equipment to get energy levels and spirits back up
- try to eat and sleep properly, haven't done much of either lately
- will try to maintain communication with WS and try to have her visit for 'movie nights' or other non-relationship heavy things

Does that look like a good start? I have some more questions if anyone has the time:

Any advice on what to say to WS if the MIL does confront her and she phones in a 'less than pleasant' tone?

Should I bring up her communication with OM again or should I let it go for now? It's this ongoing communication that's really killing me. From what I've gathered, I should just try to be the best H possible and let the A die it's own death (hopefully)?

Should I drop the whole conversation around the A? I was trying to get her to be honest with me and thought that if there was some guilt brought to the surface it would be good.

Thanks

Remember your dealing with an alien right now, babble is the language you will hear you need to respond with truth and calmness.

Expect her to push buttons make you react - she is looking for justification for her actiosn by making you mad and blow up... been there and I blew up and he felt more justified and that pattern continue until I stopped. Once I communicated in calm and truthly ways she had no ammunition to say that I was causing the problems.

You can look at my thread to see how I have progressed. I am two months into a Plan with separation from my wife. So I am not out of the woods by any means.

Drop conversation about A and OM, those are symptoms of your M problems. Get into counciling and schedule MC counciling and let your WS know when the appt is

Biggest thing is don't expect anything in return, even when you start seeing it. It will drive you crazy when they start to oscillate.

Its about you and your actions, if you have identified ares where you need to improve then do so.

I always worried about area's where it was an interaction with my W that needed to improve, how do you fix that? Well fix how you interact with other people, its all part of the same. If your WS said you don't listen, look at work, do you listen to your co-workers? Learn to stop and listen to them.

Did your wife say you didn't show affections, like cards and remember birthdays... well you might not be able to show affection to your WS now, but does your mom have a special thing coming, send her a card. How about MIL, win her back. Affection isn't just between a husband and wife or even sexual. Its showing someone we care about that they are cared for and show it.

If you have no children, I suggest you bail out. If you have no children, knowing that WW cheats on you now is actually a gift, believe it or not, for now you actually have a good idea of what awaits you in the future after you have kids. Do yourself a favor and read many of the threads on GQII and you will see the h*ll that people go through and put up with just because there are children involved in their marriages. You don’t want to go that road if you can help it.

Since you are fairly young, your history together is very short, and there are no children involved, my advice to you is to move on! It just makes no sense to stay and put up with the crap that you will have to put up with.

God Bless.

Good to see you here on GQ II. I think you'll get a lot more input than you would have on JFO.

What about exposing this adultery to your wife's workplace, 99? You told me on your other thread your WW is using a company computer (a laptop, I assume) that you don't have access to. That means she's using corporate equipment to carry on her infidelity. I don't know what it's called elsewhere, but here there is a Human Resources Director (or Personnel Director) who you can contact with information about your wife's adultery on company time. Ask them what they're going to do about it.

Don't go soft on exposing. Shielding your wife from the consequences of her adultery is counter-productive. Getting it out in the open is your best weapon right now. Use it, okay?

Seems like exposing the A to the FIL was a bad idea.

Just got a call from WS. She said her whole family is now worried about my state of mind after what I did. They considered my printing of emails to be unethical and an invasion of privacy. She said her whole family think a lot less of me now. Also, she said that they didn't look at the emails I printed out.

UVA, I have been considering bailing out. I'll give it another while but yeah, you're probably right.

I second UVA's suggestion. You've only been married three years with no kids. Consider:

- you know she lies
- you know she cheats
- you know her family won't back you up

Is this really a woman - and a family - you want to be married to? Can you really see yourself having kids with this person?

UVA's right. Finding out this early on is a blessing.

Good luck!

Btw, if you decide to bail out, do not just get up and go. You will be subject to ABANDONMENT claims if you do this and your case in court will not be helped. Make sure you have your legal ducks in a row before you make any drastic move.

As for you in-laws, you did the right thing. Their reactions only prove that they have no moral fibers and will do or say anything as long as their offspring is “happy.” If your WW mentions that your in-laws are disappointed in you again, point out to her that you thought that your in-laws were morally strong people, and that you are very disappointed to find out otherwise. And leave it at that.

Trust me, you don’t need the respect of morally corrupt people like your in-laws. You can never rely on them. At least now you know. So don’t worry, most in-laws turn on the BS when the going gets rough. This is not unusual.

You will be fine...in the end.

God Bless.

In laws are just as vulnerable to "fog speak" as the WS. My ex SIL told me my BIL was having an A, and I pretty much shrugged my shoulders and ignored her. She must have been heartbroken, but I wasn't being mean--I was being ignorant.

Others are right--you are early in your M, so you have less baggage than some. However, that's not enough of a reason to jump ship. You alone have to soul-search and decide if the things you loved about your M and your W still exist, or at least if those things are salvageable. Harley says it's foolish for any spouse to have blind trust in an M anyway, so you've learned that lesson earlier than some of us.

Plan A and MC are probably good ways to go for now. Try to get your W to agree to a session with Harley and maybe that will get things moving in the right direction. Continue to expose to OM's family if you can, and also at work, if this is a work relationship. Take the fun, sneaky part out of the A, and there's usually not much left there. Then, your W will come out of the fog slowly, and you can make a rational assessment of your situation.

That way, even if you do decide to D, you can sleep well at night knowing you did everything you could to save the M and save your W from a lifetime of soul-less behavior.

Don't believe a THING your WS says. There's no such thing as an honest WS. Call your in-laws and confirm that what she expressed about them is correct. It's quite likely that's not the case at all.

Personally, I would not have handed over the e-mails unless specifically asked to. Instead, I think I would have extracted relevant quotes from them, and forwarded them to the in-laws' e-mail addresses if possible. The more they are in denial, the less assistance they can give.

BTW - I agree with UVA. 3-year marriage, with no kids involved? Personally I'd cut my losses and move on. And I do have experience to go by - my FWW first cheated on me a few years before we were M'd. Instead of walking away back then, I decided to stick with her. Now years later I'm M'd to someone who had so little respect for me that she started her PA in our house on our bed a few days after receiving a new wedding ring from me. So why am I here? Because I don't want my kids to be another divorce statistic. What's your reason, honestly?

Don't for one minute think it was a mistake to expose her affair. I remember having some fun with my WW and her folks over the same thing. I really clobbered my wifes affair with my proof and exposing her affair and telling her I would not accept her lies anymore. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you know it is a PA and make her accept responsibility for it.

So they think printing out emails of their lying daughter is unethical but her going out and boinking another man does not bother them? Gee, I wonder what happened to their ethics.

The only invasion of privacy I see is that the OM is invading her private parts I wonder if they consider that an "Invasion of Privacy". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

On the other hand why would people think less of you? Your not the one that betrayed your vows. If these are people that think printing out emails is wrong but cheating on your spouse is OK then I say get away. Since you don't have kids consider yourself lucky even though none of us are lucky to be here. It is so much harder when you have kids.

If you have a spouse that is not sorry and won't accept responsibility and you have no kids I would not give them the time of day. Marriage is hard and some people are not marriage matierial. Your WW appears to be one of those people.

translation:

speaking as your WW ~~~

Just got a call from WS. She said her whole family is now worried about my state of mind after what I did.

My family was really upset and I had to lie some big old WHOPPERS in order to make YOU the idiot and ME the victim.

They considered my printing of emails to be unethical and an invasion of privacy.

I tried to make it sound like you had been spying on me for no reason and you are insane....

She said her whole family think a lot less of me now.

I hope my family does not do some fact-checking and find out I am just blowing smoke up their azzes.

Also, she said that they didn't look at the emails I printed out.

I whisked them away ASAP telling them there was nothing truthful in the emails ... that YOU had fabricated all of it.

FYI

If her family actually ARE this brain-dead

that's another great reason to exit stage left

the FOO (family of origin) has a HUGE influence on values and opinions about infidelity

if your in-laws actually condone infidelity

what's the point of staying married???

Pep