A couple weeks ago my H's EA blew up in his face. I have been telling him for months even before him and the OW got close that she should not be trusted which he obviosly ignored in favor of becoming "best friends". I was after 9 months at the point where I had decided it was time for him to move out. (We have three kids and one on the way. My oldest two are already convinced he'd rather be at "work" and were being hurt) So I was at the point where I had let him go emotionally after 9 months of unsuccessful attempts to salvage our marriage. Two days before he was going to move out the OW's boyfriend contacts my H and the EA is further exposed. Since then he has ended contact so to speak-they work together and being pregnant he has to await a transfer which takes time. OW has become blatantly obvious in her attempts to attract his attention. But he is furious with her and now doesn't see how he didn't see what I was seeing. We are starting marriage couseling this week but I am still in that place where I'm not sure whether or not I even want him here. I was so ready to work on our marriage before he was to get his apt. but now I just don't know anymore. I feel so betrayed by him not trusting me and finally being willing to do NC only after someone else had to bring him out of his delusions so to speak. It feels like he picked the OW over and over and now that he finally sees her for the person she is I'm just supposed to jump all in. Why trust someone he doesn't even know over me. Now everything from the last 9 months is intertwined with the OW not to mention all the intimate details of our life pre-EA. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?

Mellysue

bump

Okie. Remember. Your opinion to him is biased. He's going to think you're saying whatever about OW because you want your way, not because you're looking out for him. It's fog. Try not to take it personally.

As far as not knowing now whether or not you want to work on your marriage, many betrayed spouses feel this at one point or another. Some don't feel it at all. Also remember, though, you can't really start recovery until he has absolutely no contact with OW at all.

I think it's great that you're starting counseling. If you need the independent variety, get that too.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mellysue,

""But he is furious with her and now doesn't see how he didn't see what I was seeing.""

Very hard to see anything when the fog is soooo thick.

Furious is good!! MC is very good!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""Now everything from the last 9 months is intertwined with the OW not to mention all the intimate details of our life pre-EA. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?""

My FWW and I went to Italy for 20 days during her PA (that I knew nothing about) I had a marvelous time. Florence, Rome, Venice....how fine it was.

Now the trip is stained and tainted....other trips and things we did, during her 3 year A...same thing.

I guess it is just part of the baggage we BSs haul around with us everywhere we go. And that is just a small part of the load.

I think as time goes by we get accustomed to the load and it is not as heavy and cumbersome. But it is always there.

The intimate things pre-EA???? You should hold on to these very tightly. The rememberance of these will help you get through the coming years of recovery.

kirk

"I guess it is just part of the baggage we BSs haul around with us everywhere we go. And that is just a small part of the load."

Very good point and I think our FWS could certainly do a lot over time to lighten this load.

I think the main thing that you are dealing with is the second best syndrome as I like to call it. You feel like you are second best in his eyes. He gave up everything to be with OW now he wants to come back to you. Does he really love me and want to work it out. If things didn't blow up would he have come to the same conclusion? Hard to say and that is probably where a lot of your feelings come from. You are the only one that can decide if that is something you will ever be able to come to terms with. You need to be fair to both him and yourself. If you can't then you have the answer.

You should try the MC and see if you will be able to work through those feelings.

As far as being intertwined that is the worst thing in the world. My FWW's A is intertwined with a month in our life that was formerly a month of celebration. Now it is a month of gloom at this point. I want to cry on my son's birthday, fathersday sucks and our wedding anniversary is no longer celebrated. I can't bring myself to celebrating a day my wife had PA with another man.

Hopefully someday if things work out we will re new our vows so at least we can celebrate our anniversary.

My H's EA which he does not acknowledge as such has been going on since about Sept. I got pregnant on our anniversary in Nov. This has affected how I feel about the pregnancy, our anniversary, Christmas, my birthday, all three of my kids birthdays. He keeps saying that he'll fix it but I can't see how he can. We were supposed to be buying a new house and now that seems like a mistake. I used our past to hold on to our marriage for the duration of his EA but the OW felt the need to devulge all the things about our marriage to me that he had told her from the beginning to now so she now seems a part of even that. To make matters worse she also felt she should tell me how unhappy he has been for our entire marriage-how I've neglected him while I raised our 3 kids and maintained our home. I just feel like I'm drowning in all of this and the only time I felt even a little relieved was when he was moving out. I've always envisioned a future with him and me together but that all seems based on a lie now.

Melly