OK hopfully it is not as awful as the subject makes it out to be.

I am hoping that some of you can help me with something that my W has just in the past few months brought to my attention.

We have been married for 10+yrs and have always gone out with friends and spent the night after a party or such (after we had been drinking - as to not get a dwi) usually togeather. My W has been working weekends (every weendend) for the past 4yrs. So since then I have gone to some of the parties w/o her or gone out w/ the guys (keep in mind we have 2 kids 10 & 4 so it is not that often). She knew I was going and at the time I thought had no problems with it. (or so I thought)

Now she has brought to my attention (in a large arguement) that married people should not be spending the night at another home (unless we are togeather). I think this is totaly rediculius since we have always done this.

She said that she spoke with some of her friends at work and they all (all but 1) told her that their H's would never be allowed to spend the night out and that their H's don't go out unless they go out togeather.

So now my W is angry at me due to the fact that I have gone out and due to the consumption of too many beers did not feel safe to drive myself home and spent the night a friends house. Keep in mind when I say I went out it was to a sports bar (Stool Pegions), hung w/ the guys and drank several beers. My W was also at work during this time. She works 3rd shift and is not even home at night.

Was it wrong to stay the night when I know it bothered her? It probably was. But it is something that has been going on for 10+yrs and not just started yesterday.

There are other long standing issues (lack of SF - I want, she dose not) in our M and we have consuling set up for the 30th. I believe that this is part of the issue in the above situation (beliving that I will cheat) but she says it has nothing to do with it. But also still acusses me of possible wrong doings.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a Saint but I have never cheated and will not. I have put myself in situations that I should not have and she knows about them. She also uses them as amo during arguements about this situation.

Please give me your thoughts on what I/we should do to work this out. I do not want a divorce but I believe we are headed in that direction if things do not change.

Thanks

If this has been going on 10+ yrs, am I wrong to guess it started when dw was pg with dc#1?

What things do you think YOU can change to affect this dynamic (being that you both are unhappy and you are already mentioning D)?

Don't get me wrong I don't want a divorce by any means, I was just stating that if the situation continues w/ the lack of SF and with her believing that everytime I go out w/ the guys I'm looking for a woman to get sex from then we may well be headed in that direction. That is one of the reasons I'm on this board and we are going to MC.

As for time line yes my wife was pg when we got married. We were both young (Me - 21 Her - 19) and we decided the "right" thing to do was get married. I don't believe it was a mistake we have made it 10+ years so far. Not easy by any means but we have made it. I believe we both still love each other and want to be married. I just feel like she does not trust me and from her words thinking of sex w/ me "discusts" her.

On the other side of things completely opposite of her point of view. I encourage her to go out with her friends when they have a girls night out and have never told her not to go out.

She did not even want me going out for a buddy's bachelor party. I guess believing that I would put myself in a "bad" situation.

Some of the guys (married and single) make yearly trips to the beach and to a football game over the weekend. I have yet to be on one because she flips and believes that married people should not do those sort of things.

I am hoping that going to MC can help me see things in myself that I may need to change in order for this to work. I plan on reading alot on this board and hopefully find some answers here.

thanks

I highly recommend His Needs/Her Needs, and His Needs/Her Needs for Parents, for starters. They will help you understand what kind of control you have over the relationship. They will also give you great insight as to what is behind how your dw thinks. Have you read much on this website?

Thanks for the recommendation. I have bought a copy of His Needs, Her Needs. I am also looking into Love Busters.

Thanks