I met my fiance' on line eight years ago. He has 4 children; 2 (#1 daughter, I'll call her Christie, and #1 son, I'll call him Justin) from his first wife of 6 years, 1 (#2 son, I'll call him Chris) from his second wife of 3 months in which the marriage was annulled; and 1 (#3 son, I'll call him Timmy) from his third wife of 6 years.

We have had a really rough time in getting settled. The first 2 years I had moved to KY so that he could be near his children. (I also have a handicapped brother of whom I am his legal guardian, I'll call him David.)

During this time his youngest son, Timmy, was not happy with having to share his time with his dad with me and my brother. He had gotten used to the fact that anytime he was with his dad, it had just been the two of them. So when he came to visit, my fiance' had a hard time in learning how to share his time with all of us. So, it just happened that anytime Timmy was over, then my brother and I ceased to exist. And Timmy's mother was always dropping him off. The first month she was dropping him off at least 4 days out of the week, and every weekend. It caused a lot of conflict since this was the first time my fiance' and I had been really together. When we first met, we spent the first year talking on the phone, computer and making visits to each other since we were in different states. So finally making the move to KY was supposed to be out time to really have the relationship grow to a new level. At the same time I was having problems with getting my guardianship transferred to KY from TX. They wanted to make him a ward of the state. I wouldn't allow that to happen, so made the decision to move back to TX. My fiance' moved with me. I didn't want to lose him, but at the same time, I couldn't take the chance of my brother becoming a ward of the state, and I was so tired of trying to fit into the family.

We spent the next two years in TX. My fiance' would fly home every other weekend to see his children, and spent all holidays back in KY. I was fine with this, and it gave us the time to grow in our relationship. Then the time came when my fiance' was trying to get custody of his oldest son Justin. He was having a really bad time with his mother and stepfather. When his mother married his stepfather, they had 5 children of their own. It became so bad for my fiance's daughter and son, as they were treated as the "stepchildren" since they were not their stepfather's real children. It became very abusive. So, my fiance' was trying to get custody of his son since his daughter had already moved out. The state would not give him out of state custody, so he made the decision to move back to KY. Because we had not dealt with the issues of guardianship for my brother in KY, we were seperated for a year. We kept up the relationship during this time. We talked everyday either on the phone or the computer, and made trips to see each other until we could get everything figured out.

I finally was able to make the move back to KY and not have to worry about the guardianship as I had retained a lawyer that had worked in the diability courts and would help me to get my guardianship transferred from TX to KY. I got a job with the company I had worked with before and everything seemed to be finally working out.

Now, his oldest son and I had been close when I had lived there before, and when my fiance' and I were talking about me moving back, he seemed really excited about it. He even made the trip with is dad to help me pack and drive back to KY with us. At this time he was now 14 years old. When I lived there before, anytime he came over to visit he would spend most of his time with me.

But once I moved back to KY, and the house was now, me, my brother, my fiance', and his son, things seemed to change. He is the typical teenage boy. Always getting into trouble, but then the trouble started getting worse and worse. He was lying all the time; getting suspended and expelled from school; and he was stealing from us (money missing from my purse, items missing from my jewelry box, etc.; money missing from his dad's wallet, etc.) He became very disrespectful to me and verbally abusing me. It caused a lot of problems between me and my fiance' because I refused to allow his son to treat me this way, and my fiance' never did anything about it. He always made excuses that he was just reacting the only way he knew how to react because of the situation that he had when he was living with his mother and stepfather.

I told him that his son needed counseling to help him to deal with all that he had dealt with in the past, including the fact that the first 6 years of his life his father was never around. (He was in the army at the time and stationed in Alaska.) My fiance' agreed, but only took him to 4 or 5 sessions and then stopped. He said his son didn't want to go and he didn't want to force him to go.

Also, during this time, my fiance' was going to school at night, and working all day. When he was home, he was either staying up all night doing homework; spending time with his kids, or watching his sports. He very rarely had time for me. For 3 months I clocked how much time we really spent together, and it came down to about 3 hours a week if you counted the time spent when I woke him up every morning to get ready for work. I know that he was struggling because he didn't want any conflict with his son because he felt guilty for not being there for him before getting custody of him, and trying to do good in school, and just trying to figure out a schedule to do what he needed to be done. Anyway, that is for another post on another board. Since then, we have been going to counseling and working on these issues. But we have also seperated again. I am back in TX with my brother, back in my house that I rented out when I was in KY.

The problem I have now, is how to build my relationship with his son. He knows that I love him, and the night that I left, he hugged me and cried about me leaving. I know that he loves me, and he knows that I love him. But he just didn't, and still doesn't, know how to deal with all the pressures of being a kid that is all messed up from his previous experiences. He is now 16 years old and his girlfriend is also 16, and they are expecting a baby.

My fiance' and I still love each other, and still talk everyday, and make visits to each other. We don't want the relationship to end. But he doesn't know how to deal with the issues that we had with dealing with his son and the conflicts that result when his son is verbally abusive to me. He doesn't want me to discipline his son, but instead be a friend. And in truth, that is what I want as well. I don't want to discipline him either. I want to be his friend and confidant, as I was when I was there. When my fiance' was not around his son was completely different with me. He would treat me with respect, and he would come and talk to me about things that he would not talk to his dad about. When he was in trouble, he would come to me, not his dad. But when his dad was around, he would become somone else and be very ugly to me. And at the same time, his youngest son, Timmy, was still treating me the way he did when he was 4. His father never stopped that from happening, so this is all he knows. I don't blame him, because his father never taught him anything else, never stopped him from treating me the way that he did, so as far as he knew, it was ok.

My fiance' and I love each other very much, and have plans to be back together once his oldest son has graduated from high school, another year and a half from now. I started counseling before leaving KY and am continuing here in TX. Not just for these issues, but also for issues stemming from my childhood which had led me to be a love-addicted, co-dependent. The past year of counseling has helped me tremendously in dealing and letting go of my past so that I can live for now. My fiance' has Justin in counseling now, and he has started counseling.

My question is how do I build the relationship with his sons again? How do I deal with his behavior changes when his dad is around and when he is not? How do I deal with the youngest son who is now 11? I want us all to function as a family. It is really hard on us (my fiance' and myself) because we really love each other. I know this is the man that I want to grow old with. I don't want to lose him, and am even willing to live with his son's treating me bad as long as it means that I will be with my fiance'. I know in time they will grow up and mature. But I would like us all to be able to get along. This is the only thing that is keeping my fiance' and I apart now. He doesn't want to have to deal with the conflicts in the house anymore. He doesn't know how to deal with the relationship with me and his sons. What do I do?

Are there any good books out there that I can read and learn how to deal with these situations? I have learned a whole lot from books in the past year, and my fiance' says he even sees the changes in me. So, how do I deal with the situations with his sons and get him to understand that the only way we can grow from this is for all of us to be together? That we cannot fix this 800 miles apart from each other.

We are working on fixing up the house that I own to sell when we get ready for me to move back to KY. I believe that we can make it, but I don't want to lose any time that I could be spending with him now. We are not young. I am 44 years old and he is 41. These are precious years that would could be together.

I guess I am just needing help on how to deal with the sons and build a relationship with them. It is important for the survival of my relationship with my fiance'. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

Sorry, this is so long, but I hope someone out there can help.