Waywards usually do this. They take a step towards you and you respond appreciatively...you acquire HOPE and push for more, more, more. You hunger for HOPE and they fear it. WS's don't feel worthy of it and are holding on to so much of the rationalizations and justifications that they can't see straight...YET. They fear hurting you further, hurting their family further. They fear you are placing much more significance on each step forward than you should cause they legitimately and quite necessarily DON'T FEEL IT...YET. So they slap you down and retreat. Hence, the step backwards.
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When you detach from the rollercoaster and allow her to proceed at her desired speed you can hopefully minimize the steps back. When you beleive yourself to be the obvious choice, acquire patience and the confidence that she would be a fool not to recomitt to you, then you become the confident, unpressing, man that swept her off her feet so many years ago. She can more easily recommit to the man she saw back then than she can to the devastated man she sees before her.
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Let it go, OM's out of the picture...this is just you and her now (I think). Try to date her. Movie dates suck cause you can't talk but those are the kind of dates you want now. Loud, fun restaurants, clubs or bars. Activity based dates where you are not just sitting face to face having to force a conversation. Conversations need to arrive naturally not conjured up in a staged way. But if she won't date you go out yourself and try to have or feign having fun. She'll eventually reconsider and follow along.
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Mr. Wondering
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P.S.- I kept the following list in my wallet and reviewed it many a night last spring to keep me on track.
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......DO'S......
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1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over...I will make it
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond her comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way)
6. Expand your social relationships
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
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....DON'Ts.....
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1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....let her judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends involved in recovery
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be her idea)
10. Tell her continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP