I don't post here much at all - but I have read quite a bit and for a very long time.

I didn't think my question belonged in the middle of a thread about someone's personal relationship - but it arises out of one of the other threads. (I did consider posting to Idiotville - but I am not a certified idiot, although I believe if someone followed me around for a very, very short time there would be sufficient evidence to confirm my membership rights.)

I ask if it's safe here because of the controversy that has gone on regarding one member calling another's spouse with news regarding the first member's behaviour. It'll be pretty clear to most what I'm talking about, I think.

Looks like the callee appreciated it and the callee's spouse appreciated it as well, and it has, hopefully, set them on a path to further recovery.

It troubles me, though. And maybe there's something I am not understanding about the relationship of the caller to the callee.

I am on this board anonymously. I have learned very much from the people here and many times have gone to bed thinking and hoping for the best for other's situations. My heart has been pulled countless times for others who have been in similar situations to me (BS) and have gone through incredibly hurtful circumstances.

Did I do everything right while trying to save my marriage? Nope - almost nothing, and I am hoping if I'm every in a position like this again (I'm now divorced) that I would know to act differently. Were there things I did in my pain that might not have been fair to my XWH? Oh - very probably. No - let me be honest - yes there were - both legally and emotionally.

I look at some other boards as well, and have written in some places about some of my actions. There may have been some who didn't consider what I did right (nothing illegal or dangerous). But I considered the boards safe places for a sounding board. If I had considered for a minute that someone might find out who I am really (and I don't think it's impossible at all, given that I know a bit about technology security) and called my XWH to tell him about my legal strategy or other plans, I would have been shocked. I would no longer have considered the boards a safe place to be. I could no longer have gained all that I did from other's feedback - which I took as anonymously as I posted.

I guess this whole episode troubles me, in that I am not clear on the line in the sand. May I post about my situation honestly? May I receive advice and 2x4's from people who think I'm the devil incarnate without worrying that others in my life (my XWH or even my friends or business associates) will soon hear about my secrets?

I'm getting up the guts to to just throw this question out there. Of course, I'll be totally smashed if I'm royally flamed for being stupid, insensitive or having learned nothing from my experiences as a BS. But that's my problem and I think I'll live through it.

To me, I think that boards like this lose their strength if people have to worry about someone finding out who they are and calling those near to them. And this has nothing to do with my total concurrence that I would have like someone to have told me that my cheating WXH was cheating. I think the callee and spouse have been helped in this instance - but I worry that it is at the cost of others who may now be wary.

For me the only reason I could post even the little I ever did and receive the very kind help from others was because I felt sure that noone would know (or care) who I am really.

Respectful thoughts and best wishes to all.

finding strength

fs, yes I believe it is safe here. The situation you speak of arose because the two posters established a friendship via email off the board. While not recommended, especially between opposite sexes, it does happen. People bond. I have several friends I have made on this board. Go ahead and post honestly.

Yeh,

You are as anonymous as you want to be here. Just don't register to the forum with a username like StuartFredricksFromToronto and get suprised when your spouse gets a call.

There's no way to trace you here, seriously.

findingstrength, it is safe to come here and end affairs and work on one's marriage; it is not a safe harbor for those who are openly hurting others. This is NOT a safe place for victimizers, fortunately. Nor should it be. This is a SAFE PLACE for betrayed spouses and even for wayward spouses who are remorseful.

As long as there are decent people here who don't abide cruelty and meanness, it will likely stay that way. So, if you are looking for a safe harbor to get pats on the back while you destroy someone else, I assure you that you are in the wrong place.

Exposure of affairs is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle that is an act of kindness. One does not have to be a friend to qualify for such treatment, only a fellow human being. Even if I did not have a passing acquaintance with Jen, I would have exposed to her H. Because I am a decent person who feels obliged to others when they are being harmed behind their back.

As far as your "anonymity," no one has the right to the privacy to destroy another person. And no decent person should ever keep such a secret when it effects the safety and security of another person. My allegiance is to the VICTIM, not the VICTIMIZER.

That being said, I do understand that exposure is THERPEUTIC to the victimizer. Exposure is often the first step on the path to recovery. Without the truth, there is no recovery.

findingstrength,

It is as safe as YOU make it.

Do not share "personal" information with anyone unless you want to put yourself out there. We all get to decide just how much we share and who we trust to keep our anonymity.

This isn't a support group based on 12-Step principles. So, what is said here...doesn't necessarily stay here.

JMHO
committec

Interesting perspectives. I thank you all for writing back and giving your opinions.

I googled "Stuart Fredricks" in Toronto - but pretty much came up empty. You sure you spelled that right? ;-)