IMHO and not advice!!! I say this because I have been around this site long enough to know that any decision is for me to make alone. But I have grown to appreciate some of the great advice that is offered by many on this site. If you have the time you can read my FWW story 2meloncholy story and my story merlin2 .
I like many other BS struggle with recovery. My thoughts have been stirred recently by another thread that ask the question of BS if they did not have children involved would they choose the long road of recovery or move on?
I re-married so the children involved are step-children and they have not been told of the affair. They have witnessed a lot of the emotional turmoil that has taken place between 2melancholy and me. They have become more distant from me which leaves me feeling more removed from them and 2melancholy.
So the opinion I ask for is that since 2melancholy and I were married less that 3 years and biological children are not involved what is your opinion?

IMO even if they are not your biological children, they are your family. You did not marry FWW and accept the children as excess baggage. You married the package. On the other hand, the kids now you are not their real dad and they are naturally going to side with mom because they don't fully trust you. If you leave, they will know they were right. Not knowing your whole story but just based on the premise of your question, an obligation is an obligation regardless of how you package it. Regardless of how you got there, you are, at the moment, their father.

You might still decide to separate. I know how hard it is to want to remain with my WW. But in making that decision, I would have to consider the kids as my own when making the choice. JMO.

piojitos
Thanks for the opinion. I have been following some of your post as well. I have traveled Mexico and done extensive business in Mexico City as well. Your struggles represent deep feelings about how hard it is to accept A's as a man for me as well. I also try to express optimism to others while struggling myself. Perhaps I will post to your thread.
Thanks
merlin2

I was just in the garage working out and thinking about kids. Again, I don't know your situation because I didn't have time to read so I am just thinking in general. You have some kids, for whatever reason, lost a father. They saw all the arguments prior to that happening and then they eventually saw the result i.e. Dad is gone.

Mom remarries and life is good again and then they start to see the same pattern all over again. I would imagine that kids would begin to distance themselves from stepdad because they are preparing themselves and trying to protect themselves from yet another round of pain. Kids don't understand things like that. They just get angry. They know that the last time round, Dad dumped them and Mom cared for them. They will expect the same this time. Don't take it personally. I don't think it is. I think they are just being kids.

I had a stepfather for a couple of years. As a result, I have blocked a lot of memories from my childhood. They are gone. But one day when I was about 7 years old, my best friend David and I were walking along and David told me that Larry Vaughan (new kid in school just moved to town) hated my guts. I told David that I hated Larry too. David told me that he had lied. Larry had never said he hated me. That was decades ago but I have never forgotten that lesson. My feelings for someone don't depend on their feelings for me.

Okay I am rambling so I am going to go lift some more weights.

merlin2,

Just my opinion, but I think they are your children whether biological or not.

Another thought ... maybe the children are distancing themselves from you a little because they fear that the marriage will end, so they are detaching or preparing for that possible result, and are clinging to the parent that they assume they will be with (the mother, because that's what happened before).

I can understand that it makes you feel more removed. Maybe if you see it as a result of confusion and/or a survival instinct in them, then it might feel less personal.

anyway, just weighing in because I asked the original question. I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I could give you better advice.

Thanks again,
They are just kids!!! I am the grown up!!! I am the most stable thing in their lives!!!! I wish to be there for them!!! I have always been the stable one. What has it got to do with me? Poor me!!!! I have had two marriages that have involved A's. What does that say about me. I believe in being faithful!!! What the ****** is wrong with this picture?????????????

Nothing is wrong with this picture. Any more questions?

What you choose to do with your life is your option. What WW chooses to do with hers is hers. You married her knowing that she had kids. Just because she did/does not live up to your expectations does not give you that same right. You have an obligation to yourself. If part of that obligation is taking responsibility for those kids, good for you. You know where I am coming from. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you love those kids or what? Are you a better person than her? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't say because I don't really know what a good person is. I only know that people can keep trying to do better each day.

Sorry to beat you up like this but you just hit a nerve. You know what is right. You don't deserve any medals for doing it. Life is unfair. Nobody ever promised anything else. Just make the best of it and be the best you can be each and every day. Okay 2x4 back in the woodshed.

Merlin,

I'm sorry you've had two marriages that have involved As. There is nothing wrong with you. It's not fair that you have had this happen twice, and unfortunately that could happen to anyone since A's affect something like 70-80% of marriages out there. I realize that doesn't ease your pain, just wanted to point out that the As are not your fault.

What would you need to know to feel like you are making the right decision by staying with your W?

neverthesame
They are just children!!!! Yes. I love them, and just want to be loved in return. They need their mother to love them and ME. Why cant she she see that as well??? But looks to others???

I wish I knew the answer. We all wish we knew. I am so sorry for you but what if you never learn the answer to that question? You have to go on living. Let's talk about that instead of asking questions that have no good answer. That is what we both need to be doing.

piojitos
Okay, I accept you 2X4, but what about your hard line with your FWW. I accept your hard line with me, that they are my children because I accepted the "package" but what about you and your accepting your wife and her explanation of an A. I am not challenging you to an debate because unless you are a step father I do not believe you can fully understand. Do not let this scare you away!!! I do appreciate your challenging my thinking, and please continue too challenge my thinking!!!!
Thank You

Merlin2

Scare me? I didn't think that was possible. I am not a stepfather. I did have one once. I initially treated him like my father. Since I am not a stepfather I cannot say for certain but I ask the question. In whose mind is "step" more significant - yours or theirs? Children can easily hate biological fathers. Love is earned - not transmitted genetically.

BTW, I don't have a FWW. I have a WW. I don't think my WW has tried to explain her affair. I stopped caring about that because there is nothing I can do about it. It doesn't matter too much why my wife had the A because it will never make it right. I do want her to eventually be able to understand why so we can hopefully avoid a repeat.

Did you ever see my three legged dog theory?

three legged dog

Another thought occurred to me. Adopted children. Do we have three levels of love for our children? 1st = biological children, 2nd = adopted children, 3rd = stepchildren? This occurred to me because I think it has relevance to this line of reasoning. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to argue the point that there are three "levels" of love. On the contrary, I am trying to point out how flawed that reasoning is.

piojitos

Good points about the three levels of love. I suppose I know the damage that has been done to their trust of me. I mean them wondering what I have done to make their mother so upset. I guess what I am saying is that I do not have that biological "cling" to factor into my decision making process. Does that make sense?

Merlin.

My step dad was there through all my ups and downs...he was there day in and day out whether I hated him or loved him.

HE is my dad through and through and I dont feel I am loved less than any of his biological children.

I had my stepdad walk me down the aisle...and not my birth father...I love my birth father...but my step dad is my dad...he was there, he was stable...he loved me unconditionally.

You are doing great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just be there for them..love them...

Hi, Merlin.

I'm a step-mom, no living biological children. We have full custody, our kids live with us full time.

I will say that the kids absolutely impacted my decision to try to work things out with my H. And we also did not tell them about the A. At one point, we were positive that we were going to get a D, and told them that, but did not tell them why.

They already have one parent they can't trust or count on (biological mother), they didn't need to have questions about their dad, too.

My relationship with the kids has actually gotten much better and more close, since being in Plan A. Improving my relationships with them has been one of my goals, and it's one of the few where I can really see almost immediate progress. It is FUN to have fun with them again, and it feels good and is one of the best things that gets me through on the harder days. I've stepped back a lot from the disciplining parent role, and now H has to deal with grades, homework, chores, etc. himself (since I don't do it), and I get to be the "fun" parent. I'm the one now letting them get away with staying up a little late, or having a few extra cookies, or not eating ALL of their veggies ... taking them out to breakfast before school, baking cookies and home-made pizza with them on Friday nights cuddling in bed with them and watching cartoons on Saturday mornings (even the teenager, who is taller and 50 pounds heavier than me likes to do that now!) ... it's really, really nice to be connecting with them so well again.

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. But maybe this can be your chance to get closer to your step kids, instead of pulling away from them. I know you don't have that biological "cling factor" with them, but you do still have an attachment and love them. I don't think you have to give that up because of problems with your WS ... I think it's a chance to make the relationship with them much better. If you want to.

AmiWalsh
I read a little about your sitch. "WOW” Makes me feel a little ashamed of my struggle in comparison to yours.
My step-children's lives have been torn to shreds by A's. Their father had an A when they were very young and he married and is still married to the OW. My step-children have lived with my FWW as just the three of them for nearly seven years before we met. After we met and fell in Love and decided to marry we opted to just go and get married without telling our children or parents. We just wanted to be together and resume a family life together. This seemed to work for the both of use and my children which were older. But after the A and trying to gain a connection with my step children it was revealed that they had bitter resentment about us getting married and not telling them first. That has been 4 years ago by now and they still seem to hold on too the resentment and no matter how I have tried to connect with them they still maintain a circle of three “attitude” toward me. They were 9 and 12 years old when their mother and I married. Now they a 12 and 15 and I do not feel any closer to them. And I believe I have tried. Dr. Harley says that most blended families fail in the first five years. The step-children and my inability to connect with them was given as a reason for the A. I knew going into Marriage that a blended family was going to be tough, but I had no idea it was going to get this tough!!!

I think the answer is up to each individual. I have both a step mom and a step dad.

My father was an adulterer. He cheated on my mom and eventually they got a divorce. Other bad things of course he was an Alcoholic as well. Oh crap I just realized I married my dad. LOL.

My stepfather is a wonderfull man and I know if anything ever happened between him and my mom we would still be close.

Now it is hard to deal with an A and quite frankly if I did not have children my M would be over.

As far as your situation it is difficult to deal with. On one hand you made a commitment to your WS and his children. He on the other hand made a commitment to you and his children.

I hope he knows that your first H cheated on you. I hope you discussed how it made you feel when it happened. Did your first husbands A cause your eventual D?

If he knew all of this he had to know the consequences when it came to adultry. Now he broke his commitment to you and his children. I know it may sound harsh but for me sometimes I wonder why I stay around and so far it has been mostly because of my kids. If I had stepchildren and my W cheated I think I would walk. I understand the commitment of taking on other children but he has already been divorced once from their mother and they had to deal with it. Believe it or not if my step mom or my step dad divorced one of my parents it would not have affected me in a negative way.

What is harder mom and dad divorcing or step mom and dad divorcing? Sometimes step mom and dad of course. Especially if the step parent is wonderful.

Again this is my Opinion only. If my W betrayed me and I had step children I would tell them point blank. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH but things have happened that make me not want to be married to your father anymore. It has nothing to do with you as a matter of fact I don't want to leave because you mean so much to me. Don't get into details let their fater deal with that.

Wow. I think I had it much easier. My step kids were very young, and although there was some time when it was "just the three of them", it didn't stay that way for long once my H and I got serious. So while we've had some of the typical major ups and downs of step-families, I never felt rejected or excluded from the family. I think that would make step-parenting even harder to deal with than it already is at times -- so I really feel for you having to live that for so long.

I'm sorry that they were so bitter about your marriage. Do you think that some of that comes from their bio-father? When we got married, our kids were SO excited about it, except for when their bio-mother (who had already been re-married twice since she and H divorced) got ahold of them and told them how awful it was. Then they would get bitter and resentful for a while, too. Luckily, her influence doesn't last for long since she has almost NO contact with them.

In my case, I've definitely had a parental relationship with the kids. I'm hanging in there right now largely because of them. But I don't know if I'd be as willing to do that if I had been shut out by them for as long as you have. There have certainly been times when I wished I could walk away from being a step-parent -- it can be very hard and not always very rewarding. If I had been through the rejection that you have, it might be a lot easier for me to walk away and not have to deal with it anymore.

Sorry, I don't know if any of that was helpful. I feel for you!

Thanks Amiwalsh,
The Bio-father is and has been very much a factor he isv ery involved and very controlling of the children. I have never spoke of him but in very supportive ways to the children. I always despised him for what he did to them and my FWW. So now I have a X Wife that had an A. A Bio-father to my children who had an A. And a current wife who had an affair. I know how this has all screwed me up, I wonder what affect it will have on the children? What a screwed up world we live in!!!!!