I've posted lots here but not recently.
Update:
I have filed for D. I have learned that my H was having a 7-8 month long A w/person that I suspected was OW. There have also been at least 3 others.

What I have learned is that he fell in love w/OW and wanted to D me to be w/OW but wouldn't file b/c of financial reasons. I have the insurance and left my $ in our joint account last 2+ years (yeah, I know that part's stupid!!).

Well, I hid recorder at our house for about 2 months. He found it and turned very nasty. But then he went the opposite direction and started begging me for another chance. But, the big thing is that I don't know if he has contact or not; we don't live together.

I don't want to try; I want a D and have given him papers. He keeps dragging his feet and begging me to give it another try. Is lying about the A and says he knows how it looks but nothing happened. Bull!!! I have his "confession" on tape; can't use it but have it (two months' worth).

So, the question is:
Why is he begging me to try again when he doesn't love me and is in love w/someone else? If he wants it to work why isn't he coming clean?

Is this just WH babble?

And, what can I do to wake him up and make him go through w/the D? I don't want it to go to court. My state has uncontested over in 31 days. I don't want nasty. I don't want a fight.

Any suggestions?

Well, he was cake eating for a long time. Even though they SAY they want to end their marriage while cake eating, they really don't sometimes. He made himself and/or his affair partner believe it so that their affair was more justified.

It's okay for them to have an affair, because you and he are getting divorced, you see the logic?

Now that the divorce is an impending reality, he's pooping his pants.

The lying to you, even in the face of evidence is not suprising. A WS will lie to anyone and believe it, even if you show them photos and dna evidence. It's wacky stuff.

Have you asked him if he loves you at this point? He may change his tune after realizing he doesn't want to lose you.

It's interesting how their behaviour completely changes once they see you no longer give a damn to keep trying, isn't it? When I was done with the BS I told my wife to leave, she did the same angry routine as your WH did. When she realized I was really ready to end it, she begged, pleaded and agreed to all my conditions for saving our marriage.

He says he realizes that he really loves me but he will not admit to what I KNOW to be true. The bad thing is that he has done a lot of what I know around people I know. He has really played me for a fool.

I have asked him why he thinks he loves me after what has happened. He says he has made a terrible mistake. Says he will do whatever it takes to regain my trust; GPS on vehicle, accountability 24/7, etc.

I am done. I am terribly hurt b/c I never thought it would come to this but, knowing some of what I know, I could NEVER EVER trust him again. Every time he was out of my sight I would wonder if his story was legit or if someone new had caught his eye. Can't do it.

We were supposed to be working on M (going to counseling) at the time he "says" the A started. What a lie but also what a slap in the face.

I think the OW probably dumped him and he knows his gravy train is pulling out of the station w/o him. Just my guess. Sad but probably true. I believe I still love the old part of him that sometimes shines through all the junk but we could never rebuild what we had plus we didn't really have it all that long. The M was bad longer than it was good.

Its been my experience that most men fear being alone and require a sure thing waiting in the wings before leaving a relationship. I would say he isn't 100% sure of the OW (BIG surprise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) based on either her commitment to him or that she isn't who he wants.

Its also highly likely he still loves you for the needs you meet that OW cannot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

He wont come clean for multiple reasons:

1. If he tells you everything, you might kick him in the nuts and leave him.

2. He is protecting himself from the humiliation and guilt of telling you all that he did. It's a self defense instinct.

Are you at all interested in getting him back? If he really is interested in doing anything to fix it, have him call her with you listening (speaker phone) next to him. Have him tell her its over, that he loves his wife, and it was the biggest mistake of his life. If he refuses to do this or makes silly excuses then you know he's not really chosing you, he's just trying to stay on the fence.

LMAO!

Generalizations are so absord! Women and men alike may or may not be afraid of being alone. Has nothing to do with the gender and everything to do with personality and personal history.


Now I definitely can agree with this. But, to suggest another alternative, perhaps, like my FWW, he may be afraid of coming clean out of fear of losing you. Only after being split for 6 months, my FWW realized what she had thrown away. She missed every aspect of her old life, right down to me. She still can't explain, specifically, why she did it other than she didn't feel loved, appreciated, beautiful, sexy, or anything, she was just numb. I now see that I wasn't making her feel these things.

Bottom-line is, only you know how you feel and only you can determine your H's sincerity. There could be many, many reasons why and only you have the ability to possibly understand it.

DD

This is precisely why he`s not coming clean.

My H did not come clean either, I had to dig up the truth three years after the fact from a third party. And even NOW...nine years later I still don`t believe I have it all. But I did have enough to be able to work with.

But that`s a moot point now. We`re fully recovered, the A`s are no longer an issue in our M. H has been fully accountable and trustworthy for years now. I rememeber what happened but the pain and anger are completely gone.

My H (like yours) was very remorseful and willing to do anything and everything (except coming completely clean) to repair the M. And he did. It took a few years, netiher one of us were sure of the outcome but we both hung in there. Our tenacity paid off.

Look at this from your WH`s point of view for a moment, if you are ready to bail with what little info he THINKS you have and he doesn`t want a D why on earth would he tell you everything? He doesn`t want a D...so why would he dig himself in even further at this point?

He does not trust YOU. If he`s not coming fully clean it`s because he does not trust you to deal with the truth in an appropriate manner.

Why should he put himself through a d-day meatgrinder, suffer all that he KNOWS he will suffer if there is NO CHANCE of a positive result for him? Who in their right mind would subject themselves to that type of fury unless there might be a payoff at the end?

He loved you once and it is possible that he still loves you. He didn`t love you while in the A because love is a VERB and having an A is the most UNLOVING thing a person can do to their spouse but just because he didn`t love you at the time of his A that doesn`t mean that he never loved you or that he could never love you again.

He most certainly could love you again. And you could love and trust him again too.

But first all the cards must be on the table. You must come completely clean with what you know and he will start to dribble out bit and pieces of the truth to you. DO NOT expect the truth to come out all at once. That`s not the way it works with WS`s....they will tell you in dribs and drabs...The better you handle the info, the more the WS trusts YOU and the more hope that they feel for the recovery of the M the more info they will reveal. That`s how it works unfortunately.

In short your best bet to get the info you need is read through the radical honesty portion of this site, have your H read through it and then tell your WH "Look...if you really do not want a D, if you hold out any hope of salvaging this you are going to have to come completely clean. I cannot even begin to forgive you or try and recover from issues that remain hidden from me"

Once the whole story does come out then you can decide if you wish to recover from it or not. Although it it may seem insurmountable to you, forgiveness and recovery unfathomable at this point, if you and your WH do the work, have patience and faith you can reagin love and a new kind of trust within the M. This is not necessarily a death sentence for your M.

But the truth must come out.

This is true, men do not leave until they have their back up already in the wings. I have yet to run across a man who leaves his wife to be on his own. Women leave men all the time to be on their own.....

However some men have no intention of leaving their wives, they are simply looking for some ego stroking, my H is a case in point...

If a couple can work the MB plan and perhaps avail themselves of some good counselling those men can be reformed. My H again a case in point.

Daisy,
THANK YOU!!! I just had a light bulb moment from your insight below. That is exactly why I can't get answers from my H.

"Look at this from your WH`s point of view for a moment, if you are ready to bail with what little info he THINKS you have and he doesn`t want a D why on earth would he tell you everything? He doesn`t want a D...so why would he dig himself in even further at this point?

He does not trust YOU. If he`s not coming fully clean it`s because he does not trust you to deal with the truth in an appropriate manner."

Thanks for all the replies. My H and I have been separated for 2 yrs. We've gone back and forth w/working on it and not speaking.
I have learned in the last 2 months (at which time we were SUPPOSED to be making a final effort to work on our M - going to counseling, etc) that he has been involved w/his 2nd exwife (I'm #3 - she wants him back), had a brief A w/someone who works where I do (large institution w/1000s of people), a year long PA w/someone just for sex and then, in his words he "fooled around and fell in love" with the woman of his dreams.

The last one mentioned above is the one he wanted to be with. She got tired of waiting and kept breaking it off w/him b/c she wanted to feel better about herself and felt bad about the A. Don't know if she started seeing "red flags" or what. I know that he kept pursuing her. At one point, she told him she couldn't see him until we were D. Then, he apparently talked her back into seeing him and she said she had to choose what was right for her and what people said didn't matter and she resumed the R w/my H.

I had a recorder at our home; separated but maintained daily contact regarding business and life in general. He found it more than 2 months after I put it there. He immediately got angry then quickly started begging me to reconcile and move past. He has tried his best to convince me that he knew it was there all along and that all the conversations I heard between him and three of the four OW were all well rehearsed and staged. Bull!!!! I've listened to and learned more about my H than I cared to know. Those tapes confirmed for me what a low life he is and they confirmed just how much he has lied to me about everything. They also confirmed that he has lied to her just about as much. Small consolation.

I have already had papers drawn up. He flaunted this OW around people I know. I was the proverbial "last to know". I don't want the M any longer. I do not trust him. He had an A during the first yr of our M. I stayed. He did not help me get past it; did that on my own. I told him if I ever found out that he did that again, we were through. Well, I now know that he has done this at least 4 more times. He uses my absence as an excuse but that's all it is.

I've made a decision to move on w/my life w/o him. I don't trust anything he says or does. I just don't know how to get him to understand that it's over and we need to get things finalized and move forward.

I just really don't understand why he suddenly thinks he is in love w/me and suddenly realizes that I'm the love of his life. In reading all your comments I see now that I'm better than nobody to him and that's all it is.

How sad.

Wow. I agree, he sucks.

Even if he is remorseful or thinks he loves you now, he'll probably return to his old ways with or without you.

I wish you the best.

Good grief. I thought I had heard it all....

I nominate that classic excuse for the WS CRAP Hall of Fame.

It never ceases to amaze me the nonsense WSs come up with to hide their actions. This reminds me of a 4 year old when confronted with "Who ate the last cookie?" answers "My pet dinosaur ate it".

Your H is not 4 is he?

Long time, no see, L2S! I've been watching for you almost every day! I was getting worried! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

That part about it all being staged and rehearsed is an old one! Didn't he also tell you that one along time ago, in a similar situation, to help YOU to come to your senses? Also that his OW was a counselor, and that was her way of pushing you into a decision. Yeah, OK...he's obviously still at it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L2S, I'm behind you ALL the way with your decision!! Especially after all you have been thru! You deserve a happy and stable life, with someone who respects you and loves you to the CORE! You can do this, even if it DOES get ugly and you have to go to court! Chances are, he wouldn't even show up, because he KNOWS he doesn't have a leg to stand on! Just be strong, and stand your ground!

The reason he is professing his love for you NOW, is because you are showing respect for YOURSELF, and he doesn't know how to handle that. He's been thrown for a loop, and is probably in "panic" mode, right about now. And after all he has put you thru, physically, mentally and verbally, he SHOULD be afraid. He is finally faced with his own ugly truth! While YOU on the other hand, have a whole new and bright future to look forward to with your daughter!

I'm SOOO glad to see your post here! I posted to you on your other thread a couple of times, and have just been waiting for a response. I'm glad you are ok, and please keep us posted! Be STRONG! Love ya' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...

Jennifer

YO DD,

Re-read dude. My response reads "IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE ..." aka not a generalization. "My experience" is limited to me, myself and I.

Thank you and carry on.
Jo

Thanks to all.

Hey, Jennifer. I have got to go to the other site. Not much time now.

You know it's just all so sad. Hearing all those tapes was probably the best thing I could have done. It showed me what a natural and skilled liar he is. It also has left me believing that everything he has told me in the past to try and reassure me that I was THE ONE for him was just a smooth liar talking. The times he told me stuff to convince me that nothing was going on w/his 2nd EX I took hook, line and sinker. Now I know that they were fooling around.

I had to hear a lot of painful conversations and I heard what he was telling the OW and her family about me. I heard the nastiness in his voice when he talked about my daughter. Most of all, I took what he told me, what others told me and what was on the tapes and pieced together the truth.

I'm very hurt b/c I consider myself still in love w/him. I hope that I'm not and it's just the pain of lost love, lost dreams and starting over.

I'm hoping to pin him down this week and discuss the specifics, take to attorney Friday and get a real document drawn up for signature.

I don't want to go to court and I agree that I don't think he'll take it that far. I really think he's just trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and he's playing on my emotions so that I will be nice and not push for full child support, etc.

Anyway, I'm doing okay and will be doing a lot better in the weeks to come. I am back in church w/my daughter and I am moving forward.

Good luck to all.

I'm so sorry, LTS. My heart breaks for you.

So you know, I too experienced the unfortunate "opportunity" to hear months of voice pages from the OW to my husband. I learned far more than I ever thought was possible regarding being betrayed. It hurt like no other single thing in my life. And weighed heavily on me for quite some time.

But I did get over it. And if I can, you certainly can too Hon.

Prayers for continued strength.

Jo

My WH pleaded too but still has`nt come clean with allthe details ect I need to know. Gosh and boy will they lie (12yrs)?. We are in C now so I hope this will get him to be truthful if not Im giving him walking papers.

I would not advocate that anyone divorce. My heart bleeds every time I think about what is to come.

I truly thought I had married the man of my dreams. If I thought we had any chance at all of making it work, I would try my best. But, too much has happened to get past. I no longer trust him with anything: my love, my health, my past, my future, my daughter.

I hope I can turn this nightmare into something positive. I've had fleeting thoughts the past couple of days of trying to do some sort of premarital counseling on what not to do. I'm not really sure how to MAKE a marriage work but I surely know what to do to tear one apart!!!

Anyway, I wish everyone the very best of luck. I really pray that everyone here can make a wise choice about what to do with their marriages. A part of me looks forward to getting on w/my life and a part of me is scared to death.

God bless all.

You will do just fine, L2S!! You are a strong woman, and you are making the right choice, here! You have been thru so much, and have held on for so long, and you are now doing what you have to do, for YOU and your daughter.

I'm excited for you and your new future! You are getting another chance at a fulfilling and wonderful life with new hopes and dreams!

You'll do good, I just KNOW it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer