Whenever I figure out how to stop the madness, I will let you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I do know how to stop it. I'm just too scared to take the final step.

I'm so angry w/myself for continually getting sucked into this but I seem powerless to stop it. And, I'm the only one who can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

He can do nothing to me that I don't allow.

That is true. We allow them to do the things they do.

Guess it's cuz in a sick way we still love them and perhpas want them/our old life back.

I wish I could just move on knowing I'm doing the right thing. So many questions I have. Get this...I even thought of going to a psychic to see what I should do, what my life holds? How crazy is that?

I too don't want to end up alone.

Im jealous that WH has someone to hug, kiss, sleep with. I'm here with the kids!

Get kind of tired people telling me to concentrate on myself, the kids etc. I know I have to do that, but I want my "H" back!

Guess I need to get to reality and realize that probably will never be. He's stubborn, will never admit to the A. His pride won't let him come home.

They put us on a journey that we don't want to be in. Not fair!

Sorry, guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.

You've got a lot of company in this journey.

I having been feeling sorry for myself for awhile. What I really need is to determine where my life is going. I need to make a decision. And, if you're like me, you have so much going for you that you don't take into consideration.

I need to stop trying to define my life by whether or not I have someone in it or it's just me and my D and just me when she graduates in a few years.

I have wasted so much precious time that I will never retrieve. I have allowed my WH to keep me out of church. How stupid is that?

I could fill up this page with lots of sayings such as:
When God closes one door he opens another.
God restores the lost time.

On and On. I just need to internalize all that. It is true. God has brought me through so much and I know he'll get me through this as well. He has never left me, never let me sink without raising me back up. He is always right where I left Him.

I simply need to decide how I want to live. For many here, they have determined that there is enough to work with, enough good to salvage. Now, it's my turn to make that decision and it's one that I cannot abdicate to anyone else. I have to live in the life I choose therefore I must be the one to choose marriage or divorce.

No one knows as well as I do what I've been through and what I feel I can tolerate going forward.

I understand about the psychic but my belief is that doing so opens the door to satan and invites into your life things you don't want there. Others may disagree. Also, I believe that you waste money by doing so. No one can predict how your life will turn out. God alone holds the key to our future.

We have more to do with how our life turns out than we think. It's all about choices.

Geez, wish I could follow my own advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

People tell me I have been very strong through all of this. But I feel so weak. I don't see myself as a person that has a lot going for me, but people tell me I do.

I stopped going to church a few weeks ago. I was very faithful, but I guess I feel as if God let me and the kids down. I prayed so hard for things to work out during these past several months. For what? I know, God has a plan for me and it might not be what I want it to be. But why not? WH doesn't even pray or go to church and he's happy! He got what he wanted! I know I'm going to get flack for even saying all of this, but that's how I feel now.

I try and do the right thing, but it never seems like I get a break.

Yeah I'm having a pity party today!

So, tell me what people say you've got going for you.

As for going to church, I know I need to be there and I have returned to church over the last 3 months. I went faithfully for years but, my WH started accusing me of having an A w/guy at church and it became easier to not go than to listen to all his cursing and threats if I did go.

As for God letting you down, you know He didn't. We may not understand why things happen but, they happen for a reason. God is right there, right beside you and is going through it with you. We may not like where we are but we do know He's with us.

I stopped going to church and didn't go today b/c it was easier to not go than face my WH's temper and nastiness if I did. If it had not been for that, I would have been at church today. And, I will continue to go. But, God didn't do this stuff.

There are times when God allows things to happen for our good, to bring us closer to him, to strengthen us, to humble us. Maybe God is trying to reach someone through you so you can't stop going. Your kids need to go too. Mine was even when I wasn't b/c my family took over for me.

No, I won't blast you for questioning or not going. We all have our own demons that we deal with. Just don't blame God for the situation. And, how do you know that God is not preparing you for something bigger, better. God loves all of us and I cannot imagine that His heart doesn't ache for what His children go through. But, keep in mind, God loves our spouses just as much as He loves us.

It's a hard life we're in right now. Destined to get better, even wonderful again. I have that faith. I know that God loves me and will see me through. I just need to have more faith in myself and make some hard choices; go back to the M or go forward with D.

Hang in there.

They say I am strong in taking care of the kids and house by myself. They say I've got great kids that I care about. They say I will find happiness again as I have a lot to offer another. I guess the only thing I agree with is I got great kids!

I know God probably has plans for something better, but I guess I don't want something better. I want my H back!

I feel as if I let God down by filing for D. I promised in front of him till death do us part.

What have I done?!

Okay, so you've got a lot to work with. You're strong, you've got great kids, you've got a lot to offer and you can take care of yourself. You've got a lot of positives there.

Okay, you want your H back. Do you know that that is exactly what you want or are you afraid of being alone? Not the same thing.

If you want him back, what are you doing to make that happen? And, the fact that you filed is not the end of the world. There are many posters here who have gotten that far and then reconciled.

You've probably posted here and I just haven't followed the thread. If yes, tell me and I'll read without you having to rehash.

You can definitely Plan A even if he isn't there. Actually, it might be better b/c every time he sees you he'll say "wow" b/c he's not there all the time. Do you have "a life" or are you in the pits and acting like it? Not a DJ cause I've been doing it all weekend!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are your WH and the OW happy together or are there chinks in the armor? In my case, there were/are chinks that could be worked with but he continues contact; talks out of both sides of his mouth.

Don't tell him where u r going....be vague. He asks, just say you haven't made up your mind yet and leave him in limbo. He is desparately trying to manipulate you and you keep giving him the rope. Cut the rope. Don't be tied to a WS. Hold hands only with your H not the WS.

L.

I do want my H back, my H before the A. To be honest, I don't know if I could ever forgive him for sleeping with another woman. It would drive me crazy living with him, have relations with him, knowing what they did in bed etc. I'm really not sure if I could handle that. I haven't had a chance to see though.

Yes, I am afraid to be alone. I thought me and WH would be together forever. I honestly don't want to start over...dating etc.

I have a life with the kids. Do alot of stuff with them. WH complains cuz I spend $$ on them for enjoyment, he said I should be taking care of bills etc.

I don't know if WH and OW are truly happy. I don't see them together, nor has he ever told me personally. He did tell DD that they were.

I'll post more later. Have to take kids somehwere.

Orchid. He's such a master manipulator to me. He's a mountain to me. To anyone else probably an anthill that they would step on and keep going.

I can't be vague with him. And, when I try it blows up in my face and he says I'm lying so I must be meeting OM. But, there is no OM and has never been.

I want to cut the rope but still hang on and I don't know why. Or should I say I think why is b/c w/o WH I have no one and a WH is better than no one. How sad.

If I think about it realistically, here's what I have:

1) I live 30 minutes away w/a family member. Have now for 2 1/2 years. Geez, has it really been that long? So, I have no permanent home. No mortgage either but no permanent home for me and my D.

2) Most days after work I go to our house and help WH w/company paperwork. Sometimes I don't get home until 9:30 or 10:00 at night at least 3-4 nights a week.

3) Our finances are still together. He scrutinizes every penny I spend.

4) He still gets my cell bill but not a problem. I don't call anyone I shouldn't. He hides his or makes lame excuses as to why it isn't at the house. I have a work cell that he doesn't have access to. But, I don't call OM. I call attorney, PI and a family member was calling me about a month ago to tell me about the A he was having.

5) He still wants to know where I am and what I'm doing. Again, if I'm vague or he thinks I'm being evasive I get the third degree b/c he thinks I'm lying about where I am b/c I'm meeting someone.

Basically the only thing that has changed for me in the last 2.5 years is that I've given up my home but I haven't gained anything. He still dictates my every move even though he doesn't think so.

I've tried to just ride around neighborhoods and look for potential houses but he has this sixth sense and calls me. If I try to be evasive I end up having to tell a bold faced lie to avoid saying "looking for houses".

So, I moved out but I didn't move away from the mess. He still controls my life.

Orchid: I think u can accomplish your goal..... u just gotta be smart HOW u go about it. Let's see:



Orchid: Do you need to help him or is it just making it easier for him? So is the house empty with each of you at differnt residences? If so, why not move back in?


Orchid: There is no OM, right? Can you setup a separate bank account and start putting some $$ away?


Orchid: Yea....knowing where you are allows him to be elsewhere in realtive safety. You can control this piece. He knows he is controlling you. He just thinks you believe everything he tells you. You don't do you?


Orchid: Therein lies your problem....you have physically moved out but the embilical cord it still attached...... a lot of people must be tripping over that cord which now extends into another neighborhood.

L.

He lives in the house and is keeping and buying me out.
I own 51% of the company but, yes, it makes it easier on him. But, his 2nd EXW has graciously agreed to help him w/the paperwork at no cost; they'll work it out in trade I'm sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (She still has the hots for him and I have copies of two letters she wrote stating same).


No OM.
I can set up a separate account. He already has. I make good money (thank God) so I won't be hurt financially; I'll actually be better off.


How stupid can I be? I never really thought of that as being the reason he was asking. No, I don't believe most of what he says. I did until I heard the taped conversations and then I realized just how much he had been lying all along, perhaps for years.


Yeah, I moved out but that's as far as I got.
I'm kind of like the person who wants to sky dive and is standing in the opening of the plane with parachute on, ready to jump but just can't pry the fingers from the sides of the openings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to come across as callous. I still care for him and about what happens to him. I really wish there was a chance to make it work. I just don't see how that will happen. There's so much comfort in being w/someone who knows all the details of your life even if he did use them against me.

Quick question. A little background. Fight is over money.

When I met my WH my D was 5. I had a college account for her and by the time we married it was at about 10k. He didn't have anything set aside for his kids; they're now 20 and 21.5.

So, when we married he decided his kids needed fund so we started one. His son dropped out of school at 16; daughter started college but played; lost scholarship. Moved up north w/boyfriend; not in school.

He got mad at both of them for choices they were making. Gave daughter car we had and said son wasn't going to college so we didn't owe them anything. We kept the mutual fund going but knew that it was ours and not earmarked for them anymore.

Well, I continued to put $ in my D's fund; now around 24k. But, part of that was child support from her dad; my WH adopted her; bad mistake looking back.

Anyway, now that we're Ding, I want his name off her college fund. My rationale is that I've made 3 dollars for every one he's made for several years now. I've supported his kids when he was making 10-20k per year and their mom wasn't paying child support. They've done incredibly stupid stuff w/money. Not my fault. They're not my kids. We have no R. I don't really even like them.

So, we've got everything worked out so it won't be a contested D. Today, out of the blue, I hear, " So you don't think X and X deserve anything?"

What? I'm not D them. They're not my kids. I don't owe them anything. He amazes me. One or both of them must be hitting him up for money and his cash cow has one foot out the door so now he's trying to figure out how he can keep giving them money to keep them around and still live the lifestyle he's been used to.

So, now he's back to cursing me out b/c I don't think I owe his kids anything. He made a big play of buying my D a new 4 wheeler a few years back. He's the one that started talking about buying one but now swears it was all my idea. So now I have to hear about how she gets to keep the 4 wheeler plus her college fund but poor X and X didn't get anything.

So, do I owe them anything? Am I being selfish?

We're also back to him mad b/c I'm keeping the ring and I'm asking for CS when i initially said I would not if he adopted her and we divorced. I don't remember any of that but, at one point, I would have said or done anything to keep him in my life.

I really think this kind of out of the blue stuff is God's way of constantly reminding me to run.

What do you think? Am I being selfish? Should his kids get money in the divorce settlement? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

no money for his adult children (they are not kids)

and are you being selfish?

who says "selfish" is bad?

Response..

"Yes, I am being selfish and you had better get used to it because as we divorce the person I will be looking out for is myself."

I know that he is looking out for himself in all this. I know that he has stashed away some money; not sure how much. I know he has been giving his kids $ and not telling me about it yet he badgers me over every penny I spend on "our" 14 y/o.

We have a business together that has a couple of vehicles and equipment but I'm not asking for any of that. I'm sure that when we start splitting up the household stuff that we bought together that will be a fight.

I just want to make sure that I am not being unreasonable. He says that if he changes his mind about something it's a problem. If I change my mind that's just the way it is. What he's talking about is me saying 8 years ago that I would never ask for child support. Well, 8 years ago I never thought I would be divorcing but here we are. 8 years ago he swore he would never have another A but he did.

After all the money that I made that was used for his kids and his fancy trucks I believe that I am justified in saying that I don't owe them anything. After everything is over he can give them all the $ he wants to give them. I'm just not interested in forking any more over.

Unreasonable?

And yes, I'm being selfish. I have to think of myself starting over in my late 40s with a teenager to take care of. I don't intend to work forever, God willing. HIs kids are 20 and 21; very capable of earning a living.

U are not being selfish. When the Ws tried to take stuff out of our house, I had to remind him the things in the home belonged to our family. Some of it were wedding presents. It ended up with the WS taking his tools, clothes, his laptop computer, 1 printer, 1 bookcase and 1 dresser. Not much to show after 10 years. Reality sunk in. I recall going to his rented room and being totally disappointed. I told him....so this is what you show to the OW as an accomplishment? What a man!!!! He didn't like it but it was the truth. I let it ring in his ears.

L.

I don't think you are selfish; however, I think he is.

Someone who truly wants another chance would not be lying at this stage of the game.

I also think he is afraid of financial ruin.

You said earlier that your WH officially adopted your child ... therefore ...child support of a minor child is never UNreasonable ! No matter what your income is ... the CS is not your $$$, it's your child's $$$.

So, when you do get CS, if you want to, you can put all or most of it in savings for that child when he is 18.

"unreasonable" means beyond the limits of acceptability or fairness and not guided by good sense

it IS reasonable for a MINOR child to receive support from both the custodial and non custodial parent

MY only reservation here is ... this will mean your STBXH might pull you into court every few years to contest something or another .....

Do you remember what the family court judge said when he granted the adoption decree? ... When we adopted, we raised our hands and took vows to treat our adopted child (ren) as we would any biological child.

Remember that vow?

Pep

I do; he doesn't. He loves her when it's convenient,i.e. trying to pull on my heartstrings. When inconvenient, i.e. CS or talking about her to his OW (heard on tape) she's nothing to him.

If I take everything that has gone on since we married, I don't think the settlement I'm asking for is heavily in my favor. I think I'm leaving things on the table that I could fight for if I chose to,i.e. half the company assets.

I was getting CS from my XH when my current H chose to adopt her. If he had not pushed the issue I would still be getting CS from XH. I suppose some could look at it as my being greedy. I look at it that she would have had the benefit of his entire salary if we weren't divorced. I've lowered what I plan to ask for by $165/month and he's still whining. There's a part of me that wants to say I'll take what the courts allow and be done but I know he will put me through absolute h*ll if I do. Of course, he probably will anyway.