I have posted before, but this website would not let me reply, so I am going to give you a history of me and him.

20 years together, three kids, did not work when kids were little.
Almost three years ago, I was feeling good about myself because I was losing weight and back to work and making a little money. I was making friends and having a nice time while I was at work. I was a little neive about the sort of folks I was hanging around with, but to me, all people are good. My husband was busy working every weekend, day in and day out. I was always asking him to do things with me but he always said he had to work. It was his hobby and a pipe dream he was working on. I went out to this "so called" pick up joint, but they had dancing and it was always crowded. I danced and danced all night long. I met someone there and he was very attentive to me. Talking and so on. I liked it. I met him again the weekend later and my husband was encouraging me to go because he wanted to work on his project. I drank a lot that night, at least I think I did, and we ended up in the back of a van. It went too far and I was devistated. This is something that I would have never done. I went home that night in a daze. Knowing what I did was horrid. I had no fear of my husband finding out, because he trusted me whole heartedly.
Because this encounter was haunting me, I decided to search on the internet for help. All these searches were not deleted from my google search and one day my husband was working on my computer and found out all of these searches.
He confronted me on this and I denied anything was going on with me and I blamed I was looking for these topics for a friend. He kinda believed me and we moved on. Just for a couple of months at a time. Never forever. From that point on I wasn't thinking of him anymore, just me. I made my life all about me, because I was in denial. Just a month ago, my husband couldn't take it anymore, had enough of my lies and wanted the truth, he is a very smart guy .
He told me that if I didn't tell him the truth, he would someday find out and that would be the end of us. So I brokedown and told him the horrid story. He was not surprised and glad I told him and I had the guts to tell the truth. He bugged me and bugged me to find out if there was any other incident that he should know about. There was, a year ago. I was taken by surprise by one of my coworkers. I told him that his forced a kiss on me one night and the next day at work it was never spoken of again. My husband made me call him on a Sunday night while he listened in. To ask him if we did anything together. That guy denied that anything happened on the phone. My husband called him at work and asked him straight up and again he denied anything happened. That was last week. I was so upset that I ended up taking a leave of absence from work and so did my husband. We talked for days about everything. It was very hard to do, but we did. He told me that he has decided to make a commitment to our relationship. I was so happy. My love of my life is going to try. We both decided to go back to work after a week off. Money is tight. So this is where it gets bad. I have a hard time talking about the incidents and he always wants to. All day every day. So I cannot handle it. I told him if we have to talk about it all the time, I cannot do it. Now, this past Friday, he told me can't do it anymore and he wants to end our marriage. I was enraged. I went off the handle and started to throw things around the garage. I freaked out to put it lightly! Anyhow, I went to a marriage councellor that day and she was great. But her advice to me was to forgive myself first before I can move on in my relationship. How do I do that? and what will it accomplish? Thanks for reading, if you made it through it all....

Welcome back again. I hope you will ask your husband to post here too. It is a great place to be while going through all of this.

If you been reading here, you know that you need to tell your husband everything he wants to know. That is the only way for him to heal. It might be uncomfortable for you, but you need to do it.

I know, but it is very gutwrenching. He told me to post here. I don't know his login name though.

Can you get your H to post here so we can help him?

Have you read Joseph's letter? It kind of explains why betrayed spouses need answers.

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Do you think I should give him a detailed account for that night on paper, so that if he needs any questions answered, they are always going to be there? I am grasping at straws here....

I think I would ask him what he would like. Then do it. Some like to have all of the questions answered in one session, some like to get the answers bit by bit.

Then you need to figure out how he will be able to feel protected in the future.

and unfortunately, he may well keep asking the same questions over and over. We BS's can be a bit stupid like that sometimes. We need time to process everything.

Writing it down could be a very good idea. Offer him that. Be understanding and patient.

Sad Agains husband is Gut_Rot

If you search newer than 4 years with that ID you can find the history.

GR

I think I could have forgiven Sad Again if the circumcises were different:

One year prior to my wife cheating on me a good friend of mine discovered his wife in an affair with another man. He was devastated and came to our house for refuge and help, both myself and my wife spent many months helping him through this, I thought it was bringing my wife and I closer. Exactly one year after my friend knocked on our door my wife was doing the same thing as my friend’s wife. She knew what she was getting into but did it anyway.

She says it was horrid and that she was devastated with what she did but she was still looking for more, chatting online with men about sex and fantasies for months after. She even agreed to meet a man from an online dating service (it was me trying to catch her), she agreed to meet the man. I had all the proof that she had an affair aside from pictures, right down to a pregnancy test she bought (I’m fixed!!). I told her everything I had and she denied it all, until I showed her proof, she still denied she did anything wrong.

Two of her best girl friends (friends she calls or sees every day) where having affairs on there husband during the same time frame as my wife, I guess its ok if your friends do it as well. Their husbands also confided in us for help….how sad is that.

My wife could see I was in great pain over this because I knew what happened; she let me suffer for three years with this and lied to me every day. She would not give or relationship a chance to recover because she denied anything happened. She wrote me many letters telling me how wrong I was and that she would never ever lie to me. I started to disbelieve in myself. I was so unhappy I asked her for separations at least three times during this period. The last time I told her she thought about it for a bit, and with some coaching she decide to tell me. D-Day 2 for me April 13th 2006. After explaining her reasoning, she said she would never cheat or lie again. 3 days later I find out a year ago she was doing the same thing, going out to bars till 3:00am on several occasions with a different man (a coworker), they only kissed is what she told me, yet they took walks along the water front and she drove him home on another occasion and she was drunk like the first time (they were walking along the water front to sober up as she would say). This kid is 20 years old and was spreading rumors at my wife’s work that she gave him a bj.

One thing she has always held onto when I ask was the man’s name form her fist encounter, she won’t tell me this. How can she not know, she remembers the make of the van she did it in and her girlfriends that were with her but not the name of the attentive man she was with. I just want it, I want to know who not to shake hands with!

So many lies and deception for such a long time I know longer believe a word she says. She has changed nothing and still can’t communicate with me on difficult topics such as this. And for those who ask, of course I was not meeting all her EN, we needed work but not much, what ever I was not meeting will never justify these actions, especially when she pretends to me, herself and all her friends that our relationship was fantastic.

Last week when I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, she didn’t talk to me for the week, other than daily pleasantries she avoids it at all costs, hoping somehow that it will just work.

I must leave her to be happy again, and not burden her or the kids with the unhappiness in our home. I must focus on me and the kids, my job and my future now.

What would you do?

Cheers
Gut Rot