I tried to find the thread I started a while back on this...but it seems to have disappeared.

Anyway...WH lives 800 miles away...been in Plan B since xmas. Thru an intermediary...who he reluctantly agreed to use...he has agreed that there will be no contact, direct or indirect (as in talking on the phone with her in their presence) with OW.

I am really torn. Obvious reasons concern me about their going. They are defintely old enough to tell me if he violates that agreement, but I hate to put him in that position. There is also the issue of them being around his family, who seem to support (or at least do not disapprove) of the affair.

On the plus side...my kids are both teenagers and I have to work all summer. I don't relish the idea of leaving them home alone all day unsupervised. Not only is there real potential for them to get into trouble...especially now that they have friends who drive...they will be bored and I am afraid resent me because we can't do anything "special for summer" They have a balanced school schedule and hence a short summer...just 7 weeks and he says he could keep them for up to a month. WH works from his house and has a very flexible working schedule.

Any thoughts? He hasn't seen them since T'giving, btw. And there is also the issue of travel arrangements. At one point I offered to meet him half way somewhere, should I honor that?

Hi Peach,

Well, for what it's worth, I would say, let the kids go. I don't know your story so I am only going by what you have posted here. He is their father, after all, and I'm sure they are missing him if they haven't seen him since Thanksgiving. If they are old enough to go on their own, they are old enough to deal with any issues with his family and the presence of the OW. Do they know about the A?

As for travel arrangements, I would leave that up to him to pay for, unless you feel more comfortable meeting them. I would let them go more for them , rather than for him, if you want to think of it that way. I think it will be good for him to be the parent and see how much work is involved in taking care of the kids.

Hope that helps...I wanted to give you a response, and to bump it up for you a bit.

Good luck!

What do your kids want to do? Do they want to see their dad for a month or do they want to stay with you?

My mom got complete custody of me and my brothers. My father could have not ever seen us again.

My mom made it a point to make sure she kept a promise to my father to let him see us when he wanted and could. My two brothers and I (from the time I was 5) went to his house for two weeks in the summer, and a week or so at Christmas. It was only about 400 miles, and she would sometimes drive halfway to get us to him.

I have very fond, sweet memories of the times at his house. I became best friends with his wife. She is still very dear to me.

He, for a long time, still stood for and practiced what my mom was against. She is a devout Christian, and he was - for lack of a better term - a hedonistic heathen. She knew this.

I spoke with her about this only last year sometime (I just turned 39). I asked her about that. I think we were discussing my battle with internet pornography, and I told her my first experience with porn was when I was about 8 or 9. My father kept a well stocked section of playboy at the house, that he did not make much of an attempt to hide from my brothers and I.

Mom said she knew that we would be exposed to those things. That we would see a perfect example of living for one's self, at the expense of others. That we would be exposed to cussing (was allowed at dads...), and all other sorts of vile stuff. We heard him badmouth our mom. (she never said anything bad about him. He had several affairs b4 they divorced)

She let us go, anyway. She knew how important that relationship was to us. She gave her word to him that she would do that.

I am so thankful that mom let us go to dad's house. Yes - I am fighting a demon or two that latched onto me while we were there. At least one of my brothers does, too.

But the relationship with my father, my grandparents, my cousins, my step family - is a fantastic relationship.

If your kids are teens, they have already made a lot of decisions about who they will be. a four week exposure to you Ex will not change much of that. But the bonding that might occur between them and their father is something they will carry to the grave. And you will never have to point out your role. In fact - it might be important for you to save that conversation for thirty years or so. It may be much more important in the future, and only if they ask.

I knew at the time a lot of the stuff I was exposed to was "bad". It is actually kind of fun - and in that case was in a safe environment. It created a bond with my dad that I enjoy even today. I still was the youth preacher my senior year, sang in church choir for at least 14 years, and even went to work for ministries and churches.

The point is - your kids are already who they will be. Yes - folks can have a bad influence. Would you rather it be their father - who loves them - or the kid up the street - who they respect, and might introduce them to pot - or any number of things that you nor your ex will have any control over.

I love my dad because I got to spend time with him. But the real treasure in this story --- and I know this in my core - is my mom.

just my $.02

Any chance of sexual or physical abuse trumps everything I just said.

far