I have a question...you say that I wasn't in her shoes, so I don't know why she did what she did....so tell me, what is an excuse for a woman to sleep with a known MM? I've thinking of one all day, and I still haven't come up with one yet.

I can understand her concern for her child, but where was that concern when she was sleeping unprotected with the MM. He can't sit here and say that she's unstable to be a mother after he has slept unprotected...she can't either. She picked him, and still had a choice. She chose to have a baby by a MM. Well with that comes circumstances....you can't have your cake and eat too, even though I get the impression, that's what's wanted. He AND his Wife will now be a part of this childs life. He will be in their family. So as another poster has clearly stated...it's time to GET OVER IT...his W had too, so I known darn well the OW has too as well.

You know - put like this, it seems that the only fit parent is the Betrayed Wife - she's the only one who's not unstable in this trio!

Well we all know that the MM and the OW have some serious shortcomings....but see this is the thing....people can change, if they choose.

I have said this a 1000 times....the moment you say that I was responsible for the affair, nobody else....just me and not blame the MM or the OW...your on your way....but if you have alot of "He's and She's and But's" in your conversation...you have a long way to go.

Amen, Crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I want to apologize to Rubi and the board, my outburst of anger the other day was uncalled for, I was having a rough time with the OW in my life and vented. I still don't belive the W in any situation caused the affair, the MM had other options in his life than to cheat on his wife, but still nonetheless I could have stated my opion with a little less hostility so for that I am sorry.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ah, but we DO know for certain, that any ow who willingly has a baby with a married man is NOT a victim. Not at all.

Her care/concern for the wellbeing of her oc is not a care or concern for the couple. They can do whatever they want and to bad so sad for the ow. If they choose contact, they don't even have to discuss it with her. The law will see to it that the father has time with the child. If they decide to not have contact, she can't say a thing either. Actually, who really cares if the ow is upset, or scared or hurt? Certainly not the couple.

And her being worried about how the oc will be treated is a far stronger testament to how she would (and already has) treated others. She assumes that since she doesn't care about others feelings that all people are that way. Considering that she ****** around without care, one can see where she has no grasp on reality. These women are like gunk stuck on the bottom of a shoe. Once a couple scrapes it off, they can walk of and forget about her. Even if they chose to see the child, SHE is not a consideration in what THEY decide.

What the ow feels is not an issue in the marraige. So what is the point of pointing out her issues? She doesn't matter.

As I told my OW..."you are a complete figment of my imagination".....

it never ceases to amaze me how this happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Did you know that **I** also got MYSELF pregnant with my last son! AMAZING how that happens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mom - I understand your point. Noone gets pregnant alone, but I can say for myself...I'm 36, fertile, and have been sexually active for quite some time...and I knew how NOT to get pregnant irregardless of what was on or not on the man's mind at the time. I was also capable of knowing the avenues I could take if I did get pregnant, and had second thoughts about where I wanted my life to go....and I didn't need anyone's permission to so.

It takes a woman and a man to create a life, however, after the creation has been completed (all of 2 seconds, thinking or not), all decisions fall on the woman....which is why I make it a point to watch my tail because in the end, I am the one who will carry the child, abort the child, give the child up for adoption, or have the child and have primary care of the child if I'm not married.

The man may send me a check, he may have C, he may not have...he has a lot of things in the air, I on the other, have some definitive things that I MUST do. So, if I can't do those things, then I won't get myself pregnant, that's another thing he doesn't control.

Funny. I blame my H 100% for what happened in my situation. HE was a stupid 25 year old who didn't care anything but to have sex regardless to the circumstances. AND though, I do have my stereotype on this type of "country girl wanting out of the little city".........Men have just as much responsibility as women do.

Your H has an affair. Yes, you can blame the OW till the cows come home but ITS your H who did the deed. HE is the one who should have been responsible. The OW wants your H and will do anything to get him....pregnancy or no pregnancy.


AND yes Crazyhurt~ I would think it would be easy to say that your OW is a "complete figment of your imagination" when you have the end result that you did. BUT it would be a cold day in H*&& before I let my H think it was. You were just plain o'lucky.

BBU~

Crazy may not have an OC, but she does have an OW. I'd say you're pretty darn lucky as well, as you have neither.

Autumn Day...I had responded to that comment, but I guess I didn't press the correct buttons...it's not here. I didn't know that BBU didn't have either...but that's ok..I'll respond.

Whether my OW had my H's child or not...whether we had C or not...she could still be a figment of our imagination. What would her importance be to us? Our concern would be for the child...as far as I would have been concerned...she would have been a vessel.

My H will not likely forget this past year. No not by a long shot. I blame him 75% for the affair...the OW will always get some of the blame, especially if she knew he was married.

Someone please tell me when I have ever NOT blamed my H for this mess. I have always given him the blame...he has never gotten off scott free. I simply choose to give the OW her due share as well, irregardless of how YOU decided to handle your stitch. To be completely honest, I really don't think the OW was after my H, his money maybe...but not necessarily the man. To be really, really honest....if she wanted him that bad, and he wanted to go, what exactly could I do? I would open the front door and wish him well...I would hurt for a season, and then pick up and move on.

Don't ever think that I don't believe that my H and I have been blessed, but one of the main reasons that I stick around is because I know how feels to be one of these ladies, and whether we have an OC or not, my stance hasn't changed an iota, and the pain of being betrayed is still there...and will be there for some time.

I blame my H, but I blame the figment of my imagination too.

Rubi


I do not feel I attacked her in anyway and I actually don't feel that anyone else did either. I would have to re-read all the posts to state that for certain. I did the best I could to be direct and tell her the truth in love and answer her question. I have never been in the situation of OW with OC. But I have been in the shoes of the OW before. Knew it was wrong and went ahead and did it anyway, it was easy to come up with rationalizations and justifications for why it was OK in my case. It never was OK and never will be OK for anyone to commit adultery. She needed to hear that I think. Maybe if I would have hear it, I wouldn't have married my h. I don't know. You never know about what if, until it is no longer what if for you.


none of us will be sinless until we are out of this world, I understand what you are saying and I take no offense. The Bible says to flee the temptation of A, not that anyone is strong enough to stay and resist. So the best thing to do is make a conscious effort to never be placed in a situation and then run like ****** if you ever find yourself there.

Adultress describes ones behavior and mindset

Proverbs 30:20 or 20:30
The adulteresss eateth and wipes her mouth, and says I have done no evil.

She must face this in order to get past it and she must recognize the consequences to her actions. She seemed like she was heading that way, but wasn't quite there yet to accept full responsibile based upon some of her comments. No one would have done her any favors by telling her all is OK. You have to recognize your sin as sin, before you can repent of it.


Ann

notdoneinyet

You are right. When I was involved with my h before his d to his ex-w was final, I didn't care. Knew it was wrong then but lied to myself about how the circumstances were different, blah, blah, blah. And I never lied to the w, other than one date when I didn't know he was married, his w knew of everything. Does that mean I didn't play the harlot. NO! It doesn't make a difference. My h and I have been married for almost 20 years, does that make what I did then right, ABSOLUTELY NOT! The thing is you make selfish choices WHEN you KNOW they are WRONG and then as a defense mechanism or whatever you convince yourself, your case is different, you RATIONALIZE AND YOU COME UP WITH JUSTIFICATIONS in your own mind.

Until the OW realizes this it doesn't matter what anyone tells her, because she is still playing the adulteress/harlot in her mind by her own free will. I KNOW. I HAVE BEEN THERE!. By the grace of God I am thankful that I saw that long ago, way before becoming a BS myself.


rubi, there IS NO EXCUSE FOR ADULTERY. No spouse deserves it, no betrayed spouse is responsible for it. They share responsibility in the health of the marriage but they don't even know about the affair or give consent so how are they responsible for it. SIMPLY, THEY AREN'T.


Don't assume something is obvious. If a spouse isn't getting what they need or want (which I am not agreeing that is the case I am just saying IF) then the spouse has the responsibility to communicate his need/want to the other spouse. The OW isn't the victim in the A, she made a willful choice. If it was against her will, it is called rape, not an affair.


Look at the reason she is alleging concern, the alleged concern isn't based on what the wife has or hasn't done, but what the OW has done. She need to deal with the guilt and move on with her life and stop projecting her problems onto other innocent parties that had nothing to do with her current circumstances. Maybe the h lied and said he was d his w, is it the w's fault, the h begged not to d when the w found out about the child, NO.

Take accountability for your own actions and don't worry about other people.

The only thing the wife is guilty of is marrying her h and then staying married to her h after an affair.

Wow! What a great question! I appreciate being asked because our exow assumes how I feel and never asked me.

I adore our oc. It breaks my heart that exow cannot allow this oc to be loved by 3 parents not just her and my H. I would never speak ill of her in front of oc, that is his mother! She will not allow me the opportunity to share my unconditional love with a c that never chose to be born under such circumstances. So instead my H and I have to love him from afar and wait until he is old enough to explain to him why we could not be more involved in his life.

Give this bs a chance to get to know this miracle. Talk to her if you can and share your fears. Our exow did share her fears with me and I told her she would have to take a risk to trust me until I proved otherwise. Unfortunately, she couldn't live with the kindness I showed and instead chose to make up unfounded accusations about me and now we have very little c with oc. It is a sad situation.

I am sorry you were blinded by this man's lies. I hope your situation can be one of the success stories where the oc is surrounded by lots of adults who love him/her no matter what the circumstances.

Good luck!

we are not perfect. we make mistakes. i dont know why im telling you this, as i am a BS.. but it seems that i can feel your hurt. you have been lied to...

but there is no excuse for what you have done. first and foremost, you shouldnt have engaged yourself to a married man. so, the pain that you have suffered was your medecine.. a wake up call... for us BS--- we have the last laugh.

i cant speak for every BS coz every person has different views and opinions... i also told my husband that i would like to adopt his oc, wholeheartedly... so, only you can decide what's best for your daughter.

i hope you have learned your lesson well...

godbless