As a gift or a condition for divorce, what would you have liked to have?

My xh doesn't have much to give.
So I would like to take his job...

Me, I would have liked my STBXW to have left for herself, if she was going to leave anyway. She thinks she did, since she didn't start dating her new soul-mate for a solid 5 days after she walked out. Nevertheless, since he had asked her out BEFORE she left, I kinda think her statement that she left to be her own person is fairly empty.

I want her to see the damage she's doing to her kids.

Other than that... I am moderately happy with the financial arangement that we reached. I would have liked a more solid statement that I will retain custody of the kids, but I have accepted that I won't be able to keep them with me when I have to move to start work as an attorney. But I will return, fairly soon.

THE TRUTH

I would love to have a handwritten letter covering the last two years and telling who, what, when & why. It would give me some closure and possibly help me in future relationships. However, it's the one thing I never expect to get from WH.

TRUTH???

What does a WS know about that?

The truth I've come to understand is that when whatever internal stresses that led her to her personal crisis and decisions, her true nature and character came through.

I know that some part of her aspires to be a better person than she has become, but she never did become that better person... she only pretended as long as she could.

Stresses tend to bring out what's underneath. The WSs that left and never came back - they have a real character flaw.

The ones who come back and give recovery their all... I think they made a huge mistake but since they're willing to suffer through the pain of recovery, I think that demonstrates that their mistake isn't the whole truth of their character.

FB, the truth you need is to know your own character. You stood up for your marriage. You were willing to fight for its integrity. You aren't perfect, but the truth of who you are, when the chips are down, is a gift your WH has given you that has cost you much to obtain, but is truly valuable.

God bless!

Yes, I've been pleasantly surprised by how well I have handled some things (faith in God, working on forgiveness, resisting retaliation A). There is power in the lesson this has taught me that there is NOTHING that I can't face as long as I lean on God. I've also learned some things about myself that I need to work on. I don't see these things as a gift from WH, but rather a gift from God. I think God's heart was broken over WH's decisions as well.

I realize that it really doesn't matter if I ever get the truth from WH, because we have gone beyond the point of me ever taking him back. To be honest, I don't think he knows the truth himself. It's just something that I would like to have.

Chiming in, I would have just like to get quickly divorced. By the time I filed, neither of us thought the other was telling the truth. Each felt hugely betrayed. I'm sure my X would love to have something to punish me for not staying, probably my home and my kids, the two things that would hurt me most.

I have a couple of things I'd like - though, I know I'll NEVER get..

The Truth - How long has he been a WS? How many MOW/OW?
I need to know the first time he cheated - I need to confirm my suspicions. I believe our M never had a chance or that we never grew into true intimacy becoz there was always "someone" in his back pocket. There may have been a couple of years that he was semi-true to me, but I'm not sure of that.

I'd like to know what in his childhood or early adulthood caused him to be a serial cheat.

I'd like to know WHY he couldn't/wouldn't come to me for SF- I don't want some lame [email]a@@[/email] excuse, like he's given me recently. I want the TRUTH - I believe it was never about me, I believe he has deep/dark places that he goes mentally and he couldn't take me there..

I'd like to know if he ever did love me and if he still loves me or just misses controlling me. I hate the thought of leaving him if he does truly love me, but I can't continue to wonder and w/o change, I dont' see love...

I'd love for him to get IC,face his demons and get well. Move onto being at peace w/himself and happy w/"soemthing" or "someone".

You know, I'm reminded of something that struck me in the Narnia books. Aslan shows people their lives, not just their own perspective, but the Truth. Twice, the individuals asked to see another's story. Aslan replies that that is their story not ours, and it is not ours to know.

In the end, it is not ours to know our spouse's half. Even those that reconcile after full disclosure, have gaps. "Was he ever in love with me?" cannot be answered even by him. If he answered, would you believe?

Imagine you had the knowledge you so badly want. Then, what would you do with it to make your life better? Most likely, if you can take action based on the information, you can do so anyway. If you can't, perhaps you can live without it.

And trust me, there's a lot of questions I never got answered. In the end, I decided they signified nothing. Now, if I had had the answers at the time... but that's the past.

I would like an apology, a thank you for being his wife for 21 years. I would like thanks and recognition for raising our children by myself for the last 5 years. I would like to be treated with respect for what I was, for how I loved him. I would like recognition of the wonderful years we did have...even if he has moved on now. It has been five years...and it is still painful...don't know if that will ever go away....although his treatment of me makes it worse now. Pat

ITHURTS,

I don't know if this piece of information will help, but I too went through a period with a lot of unanswered questions. Worse, if xh answers them, I would have doubts if it was told truthfully.

Although I have accepted that our marriage was over, I still have a lot of unresolved issues as to who xh really is. I read. I read everything I could lay my hands on and from reading, I pieced pieces of information to help me understand who he is. When I achieved that, I felt relief and forgiveness. Not a whole lot, but surely a little at a time.

But of course, I already have some information of xh's childhood-- not in depth information, but I knew that xh's father was a polygamist with four families, his mother was the second wife, his father would stay a week with each family, how xh adored his father, xh's upbringing etc that I observed while we were in his family home.

I also understood why he didn't come to me for sf, how his office environment was ripe for As, xh's values (or lack of them), his uncles who each married their OWs, children of these families and their individual characters, xh's friends- their characters and values, etc. all contributed to who he became today.

Having this knowledge lessen the pain somewhat. I finally resigned to who xh really is and in many ways, am glad that I am no longer married to him.

Reading helped me... me alone. It didn't help my marriage. For a marriage takes two to work.

I hope one day you too will find your answers.

R

Ruffled - I guess I want the truth or part of it - just to confirm that I'm not crazy. That he's been cheat even b-4 me and that he can't/won't change. I do know that his brother has some "issues" with cheating too. I know his father openly comments on women's physical attributes.

Leaving him will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I want reassurance that it is/was the right and only thing I could do to preserve who I am and what I want in a partner.

I only have bits and pieces of his life b-4 me and I don't think it's enough to come to a solid conclusion, though maybe I shouldn't bother looking back to b-4 me..All that SHOULD matter is how he's treated me after D-day. He was NOT a remorseful man - that in itself should tell me that there is only 1 thing to do and that is to D him.

I too have forgiven WH for his infidelities - what I still hold as hurtful and have a hard time forgiving is how he treated me thru this time.
He degraded me based on one of his MOW and his daughters view of me. He didn't see that it was jealousy that drove them to despise me. They wanted my life and lifestyle.

I believe that while he carried out his A's, and realized that playing the part of the "poor husband" these MOW/OW fell for the lies and easily fell into an A with him.
Hey, in their eyes he's a good catch, financially secure, free with his money, appears to be on the verge of D, etc.etc.
The more women he told and the more he got SF, the more he started to believe it himself.
He was only playing a game but the game became his reality. He only wanted SF with them, he never expected me to find out or to leave him.

I will never get over him, I will love him to my death, but I will have to leave him and I'd love leave him with the thought that I did the RIGHT and ONLY thing I could do for MYSELF..

HUGS>>>>>>

Oh, the mind games they play on us! I would still like the truth, but now that I'm gaining back my confidence I don't feel the NEED for it from WH. It took prayer and time, especially time away from WH, to get to this point. And even though I would still like to know, it's probably best that I don't know everything. This way I can still treasure the good times.

This is going to sound selfish, but I would absolutely love for my ex-husband to acknowledge his major role in the demise of our relationship/marriage (addictions, infidelity, etc.) I swear I could put a lot of my baggage away for good if he would apologize, or at the very least recognize HIS role in our rotten marriage. But, since everything wrong was MY fault, I don't suppose I will ever happen for me.