I'm just depressed and going to sit down to a cyber bowl of fattening ice cream. Anyone want to join me?<P>My marriage is right on the edge. H just got back from Kansas where he was with the OW. He had a job interview down there, so I knew it was very serious. I'm frightened. I asked him point blank (because there is no time for A or B, just flat out truth). I told him I wanted to work on our marriage. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he was very much in love with the OW. Tears!<BR>Advice? My mind thinks, maybe I should just give up, he's found the woman he's finally happy with and wants to begin a new life with. My other mind thinks, wait, I want to stay married to this man and I'll fight to the death for him.

I brought my spoon dig in. I don't have any words of wisdom. I know what you mean of being of two minds. One say let the [censored] go you don't want someone who wants someone else. Then You love this person you have been married so many years (in my case 27) and you don't want to let go. H left the very end of July to live with ow He tolad me he will always love me but he was in love with her. Famous words "in love". I t has taken me almost two months to decide waht I want to do and how to do it. I decided that I want to fight for my H but how. I don't know if it will work but I have just started sending him notes telling him I still love him, and a picture of our grandsons( the baby is a little over three months old and he hasn't seen him since he was a month old. I have also decided to play dirty. Use the grandchildren anyway I can. I'm not going to ask him to come back. I'm just going to remind him that I care about him and love him. Right now I'm not in a position to ask him to come home, no home to come to I'm living at my dauhter's until I find a job and a house. When I do that then I will change tactics not sure what yet but will figure that out when the times come. Now how about another bite of the ice cream?<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Kate...I don't know what to say right now. I am so very sorry about this news. Right now, I wish your H would wake up from fantasy land. Don't give up hope. Miracles can happen!

Can't I just use a shovel ?<P>I'm so lonely tonight I think I may have the real thing along with the cyber. H is sleeping on the ouh again, 2nd time in a row. Won't come to bed no matter how often I wake him up and ask. <P>Yes he's here, but he's not HERE with ME, you know what I mean?<P>Sorry, it just hurts !! <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

kate - unfortunately, you are NOT going to be able to keep your H home if he doesn't want to be there. The only thing you can do (if you are a Dr. Harley adherant, which most of us here are) is to show him unconditional love when he is there, no lovebusting, and try to meet his most important emotional needs. If/when he goes (he probably will - the addiction is so strong) DON'T beg or plead - that only makes you look weak in his eyes and further justifies his actions. THIS WILL BE THE SINGLE MOST DIFFICULT THING YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO DO IN YOUR LIFE.<P>If you trust the experts (I've read 15 books on infidelity so far), they ALL say some variation of the following:<P>1. Betrayer thinks they love the OP - in reality, they are only experiencing the head rush of infatuation - it's a chemical thing in their brain. This feeling ALWAYS abates after a while.<P>2. Affairs are fantasy because, for at least a while, the participants ignore reality. They're under no obligations, no timetables and they are extremely selfish. This behavior WILL bite them in the @ss eventually however.<P>3. Eventually, the affair partners begin to see each other for who they really are - in other words - reality starts to set in. Maybe they get in their first argument. Maybe bills or collection notices start to appear. Maybe they begin to miss their families (kids)...a million reasons actually.<P>4. After a while, the affair partners begin to realize the destruction they have wrought - not only to themselves but to their loved ones. I understand that in many cases the guilt experienced at this stage can cause many to become suicidal.<P>5. Statistically, there is a greater chance that the wayward spouse will make an attempt to return home than to divorce the betrayed spouse - that is if the betrayed is still there. (I unfortunately, will probably become one of those divorced statistics.)<P>6. The betrayed CANNOT compete with the fantasy. The feeling is just too strong. Do not attempt to try to compete, you will fail. The only thing you can do is continue to show love in a calm, rational manner (VERY hard to do) and wait it out. The waiting is very difficult to do. Time will seem to stand still for you. I'm in this mode right now...although the divorce locomotive is speeding along and is now out of control.<P>The bottom line here Kate is that if you want the marriage to work out, hold onto hope!! Most affairs burn out withing 6-12 months. It does get easier with time (relatively speaking of course!) and as you become stronger, your spouse will start to disintegrate. Being there to catch him when he falls will be your choice.<P>Lean on the Lord if you are spiritual. If your are not spiritual, consider becoming spiritual. I did, and it makes a WORLD of difference.<P>Keep posting God bless.

Kate,<P>I'd love to dig into that ice cream. I haven't had Haagen Daz in years. Was always one of my favorites.<P>Unfortunately I can't eat it in the real world. I have started gaining some of the weight back I lost from discovery 7 months ago. That is a real drag. The good news is that things have gotten better. (That was really a destructive way to loose weight anyway!)<P>I am telling you this so that you can see some light at the end of the tunnel.<P>My husband too was in love and happy for the first time in over 10 years (Yikes, I am not sure I believe it was that long! Doesn't matter if he believes it though that is what counts!) and he only stayed here because of our daughter. <P>Now he is here because he loves me too and many other things. We would be even farther but, he sees this woman everyday at work even though it has been sense July 21st that they have spoken. This keeps the "in Love" or "I was so in Love with her" going. <P>On Monday he is going to apply for other jobs within the plant. He says it will be good to get away from there. He now admits that by not completely removing her from his sight even that he has made this all carry on longer and be more painful for us then it had to be.<P>After 7 months though we are happier together than we have been in years. Closer for sure. We still have a long way to go that is for sure. We are not out of the woods. <P>With the help of God and all the support here I believe we will get through this. My husband won't go to therapy, read any books or come to this site. <P>I am trying to give you hope. It is all really possible. Lean on God and all of us here. You can do it.<P>I also agree with Shattered (Great advise there Guy, !)<P>Read his post again and again. You can do this. <P>I will lift you up in prayer and light a candle for you and your husband as soon as I post this on my home altar (my fireplace mantle)<P>Your husband is in fantasy land. Really. My husbands affair lasted 18 months or better and he had a nearly 3 year friendship with this viper, i.e., OW. (I am still not over my bad feelings towards her. Can you tell?) He still is holding many of the fantasies...but, he is everyday realizing more and more what is what.<P>Be prepared too! Arm yourself with the word of God. Withdrawal is awful. That will be your next painful hurdle. I believe though that you'll get there.<P>Statistics prove that you are in a good position.<P>Read this whole site. Not just the posts. There is so much valuable information here. Get the books everyone recommends. Especially Surviving An Affair. It helped me tremendously. <P>You can do this. Fight if you want to keep your marriage. It is worth it.<P>Going to light the candle right now. I'll be checking on you.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited October 02, 1999).]

Samantha - MI and all - <P>Point of clarification I need to make...Shattered1 (that's me) is a MAN!! Not that being a woman would be bad...I just don't need a reputation on top of the burden I now carry!!

Kate Haagen daz is my favorite!DO you have butter pecan ? <P>I am sorry things are looking kind a gloomy, but do read shattered post. The stages are there and most affairs go trough them. SO even if it seems you lost a battle it doesn't mean you lost the war.<BR>Keep showing your H that you're there if he needs you, and that you care for him if you decide on plan A. Some of us have been away for a while and still were able to rebuild.<BR>DO make sure you do things for yourself specially things that make you feel good and that can help you get things out of your mind even if for just a bit. Start a new project or go to the gym, or something that gives you as a person a positive feeling. It's easier to cope with things when we're feeling good about ourselves and one of the things an affair creates is low self esteem. <BR>Take care<BR>And pass that bowl, I have my spoon right here! <BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Kate31, Just read your post, I want to encourage you. God is on your side! He hates divorce and marital seperation. You can stand for your marriage. Perfect love casts out all fear. Fear brings mental torment. You cannot control what your H does, but God can change him. A three fold cord is not easily broken. Don't look at the circumstances, keep your eyes on God, trust him "do not put confidence in man, but trust the in the Lord." He wants your marriage to work. Ask God to soften his (H) heart and one prayer I have seen work over and over again is that God gives you and your H a honeymooners love. A friend of mine called me out of desperation because she had strayed and didn't know if her H would want her back. She was not living with him at the time. I stood with her for her marriage and gave her scripture to stand on. We prayed for honeymooners love for them. They were back together in no time. If you listen to the devil and walk in fear, your faith will be broken. Fear is a conduit that links your life to the kingdom of darkness. It literally turns you into a negative magnet, drawing all the torments from the devil directly into your path. The Word of God says that whaterver you fear becomes almost impossible to avoid Job 3:25 "the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." When faced with tragedy in his life, Job identified the root cause of all of his problems as fear. Fear is not from God! "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but power,love, and a sound mind" 2Timothy 1:7. When fear rises up, you must cast it off immediately, for it never brings any good thing with it. Speak the Word, Mark 11:23 "whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; HE SHALL HAVE WHATSOEVER HE SAITH." I stand with you and cast the mountain of infidelity and fear into the sea. Ask God to remember you and your marriage. Remind him of your marriage vows, "And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou will indeed look on the affliction of your handmaid, and remember me, and not forget your handmaid, but will give unto your handmaid" 1Samuel 1:11 Make a vow to give your marriage to the Lord, that you and your H will serve him (or whatever God lays on your heart). "and the Lord remembered her." 1Samual 1:19. Sow a seed out of your need. Giving activates God. Choose to walk in Love toward your H no matter what he does or says. One good book by Kennith Hagen Jr. is "Faith worketh by love." and another is "Breakthrough for unanswered prayer" by John Ayanzini. You can receive both of these books free by emailing your prayer requests to these ministries. Also read Perfect Love casts out fear by Joyce Meyer on internet (very powerful). Most importantly is to keep your eyes on the Lord. Not your spouse! Not the circumstances for they can change. Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.<BR>Agree if you want that "Satan is rendered helpless in his activities in your lives. I come against the spirit of separation and divorce, and loose kate31 and her spouse from Satans assignment against them. Satan your power is broken from their marriage in the name of Jesus. Father, we thank you that Kate31 and her spouse will be constantly renewed in the spirit of thier minds having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude. They have put on the new nature and are created in God's image in true righteousness and holiness. They have come to their senses and escaped out of the snare of the devil who has held them captive and henceforth will do Your will,which is that they love one another with the God kind of love, united in total peace and harmony and happiness. Thank you for the answer, Lord. We know it is done now in the name of Jesus. Ep 4:31,32 Ep5:1,2 Matt. 18:18 Ep 4:23,24 and 2Tim. 2:26. Mediatate on these scriptures and stand on his Word. And when you have done all to stand, stand! Cast all your cares upon him because he cares for you. Speak the Word only! Words are powerful, Jesus created the world and all that is in it with his Words. God Bless you and your spouse. Remember he is not the enemy. Walk in Love, Ginn

thank you Ginn. I needed to hear just that today. I think that a lot of times we forget that God is there for us and supporting us and our marriages. While i have fallen away from God in the past years, I have asked for his help in my life and this situation. I truly think that our marriaige would benefit from both of us going to church, but my H is a former Jehovah's Witness. He will not step foot in a church, just as I would not go to a Kingdom Hall. Pray for me!

kate31, I will pray for you. My son, raised Christian is engaged to a ex. J.W. against my wishes, hopes, etc. She hates Christians. I really do understand. Don't give up hope for him though, pray the Holy Spirit will bring him into the truth. God Bless you, Ginn<BR>P.S. Maybe you can go to Church with out him? It will help stengthen you. There are also scriptures that say your faith santifys him, will find those scriptures for you tommorow if you like. Ginn