My WH, (who I consider to still be IN the A because he won't agree to NC, and thinks he can be "friends" with OW) is out of his head furious because he just found out that his sister's H is cheating on HER.

He just cannot believe that that (curse-curse-curse-explative) would dare to do that to his sister. And H is ready to kill him.

Does anyone else see the irony in all this? My H does not ... he says the situations are "totally different". Whatever.

Anyway, I need to find some ways to help SIL. This is not the first time her H has done this, they have split and reconciled over his affairs -- usually with her friends and in their home -- three or four times before. Thing appeared to be going well for them over the last couple of years, but apparently they had a new d-day this weekend and she kicked him out.

She does not have computer access, so I'm printing off some things from this site for her -- anyone have specific suggestions? I was going to give her my SAA book, too, but I still use it a lot, so I think I'll go buy her a new one, instead.

She is in a much worse position than I ever was. Financially, they have always been in terrible shape, and very bad at mismanaging money. SIL completed an associates degree last year, but has not been able to find a job since then -- she's even looking at fast food restaurants, etc. now. She has never had much self esteem or confidence, and she is convinced that she cannot survive without her H. She has said in the past that's why she keeps taking him back.

Does anyone have any suggestions on ways that we can help her? H and I think that we can probably cover her rent for a while, although that won't be much help when she'll still have all the other bills, two very small kids, and no job.

Does she need to immediately file for separation or something so that she has some financial support from him? Is that jumping the gun if she decides that she wants to work things out with him? He's incredibly irresponsible with money, and I doubt that he'll just "volunteer" to help with any of the bills.

I've been trying to help her find jobs. With her low self-esteem, she doesn't interview very well. Once she gets into a job, they love her, but getting there is all but impossible for her. I don't know what else to do to help her out.

Oh, and we got all the most recent info from MIL, because SIL does not want us to know. Because H got so ticked at BIL last time, and she doesn't want H to hate BIL again.

Advise her to expose the A. Is the OW married? Do they work together? Print out WAT's thread exposure 101 for her. Depending on the laws of your state, she should consult with an attorney and file for legal seperation to protect her assests. Do they have children?

Yes, two children, ages 2 and 9.

The most recent OW is not married, was a friend of SIL's, and is actually the person who exposed to SIL this weekend. She (apparently) wants nothing more to do with BIL, I guess it was a one-time drunk fling and she was so disgusted when she sobered up that she told SIL about it. The big problem is that the once-or-twice drunk flings with SIL's friends, and IN SIL's house is a repeat pattern for BIL.

Sounds like BIL needs help with his drinking. Can you suggest to your SIL to get in touch with Al-anon? I would also recommend the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

There are some people on this board with experience with addictions. Bramble Rose, Melody Lane, and Pep come immediately to mind. Do a shout out to them.

Actually, this seems to be the norm.

A WS's case is always "special." They've painted over all the mirrors in their lives and cannot 'see" that their actions are no different than those they criticize.

Hence, the alien abduction hypothesis. No earthly explanation will do.

Nonetheless, perhaps you ought to encourage your H to advocate for affair busting tactics. Who knows when the alien stranglehold may relax a bit.

I suggest you advise your SIL to get legal counsel. It sounds as if her H is a serial cheater and the best course of action may be to protect finances and property first, work on salvaging the marriage later.

JMHO

This is a great idea, I hadn't even thought of that. I do think BIL is a serial cheater, and it's not all just about the alcohol, but it's sure played a big part in a lot of the problems. Thanks!

Thanks, WAT. I couldn't believe he couldn't see it, but I suppose that's the alien brain taking over. Maybe I should see what he thinks about BIL staying "friends" with the OW's....



Yeah, I thought that was what she needed to do, but I was worried that it might jeopardize their chances if she did decide to work on things. It seems like that's a plan B thing. But maybe her standing up for herself in that way and not allowing him to shove her around anymore (not litterally, there's no abuse) will be something he needs to see.

Thanks so much for all the advice! Keep it coming, I'm going to go try to talk to her tonight.

Irony indeed.

My FWW had choice words for people that had A's.

As a matter of fact my friend was in a relationship with a married women. I told my wife that he used to brag about it and I told him I don't like hearing about it. I felt bad for the BS. She called this women some choice names. Our neighbors H was involved in an A that people knew about because he pulled up one day and was kissing her in the car. Again my FWW had some choice words for this person. She was disgusted by the fact he would be so blatent about it. Guess what my FWW was much worse then these two but she is different. Alien abduction would be a better excuse then my wifes temp insanity/I was drunk for a month excuse.

Call a spade a spade if what BIL did was wrong what you did was wrong. Looks like he cares more about his sisters feelings then yours.

I know if I went out and had an A mine would be different as well. Mine would hurt her more then hers hurt me. LOL.

It sounds as though your BIL has a drinking problem. I have two ways of thinking on this. Either he really has a drinking problem or he drinks when he knows he is going to do something wrong to use it as an excuse later. I only did it because I was drunk. This needs to be resolved before any progress can be made.

You know the consequences of getting wrapped up in someone elses A so tread lightly.

You must be a wonderful person to try to help deal with this when you are hurting yourself.

I so agree. Think it might be a little bit of an LB to say that flat out to him, but I would sure like to!!



That is a GREAT point that I hadn't thought of. Very interesting.


Maybe I'm missing something here ... I'm not really sure that I can see what the consequences would be ... maybe just getting too emotionally involved with their situation when I have my own to work on? I guess I feel a need to be suportive of her ... you think there's a danger zone there that I'm not seeing?

Thanks!
-Ami.

Thank you. The drinking thing I got from a friend when i was a teenager. We would go out and when he wanted to be with a girl he would get drunk and go ahead with it and blame it no the liquor. He did always use it as an excuse but he did not have a drinking problem.

The consequences are the you may start hitting some serious triggers in your own life and your A. Yes I would worry getting emotionally involved when you have your own to work on. Tons of co mingling might be going on or triangulation.

Just an observation.

As far as the first point. It is what it is. You could say it nicely but you know its not going to work.

Hi Ami,

I have been following your situation and I had to post when I saw this. Your WH reminds me a little of mine already b/c my WH is also in law enforcement.

A couple of months ago my WH was telling me about a friend of ours that had just gotten married at the first of the year. This guy had just found out that his new wife had been cheating on him even before they got married. When my WH was telling me this he goes, "wow, that must really suck!" I couldn't believe it. I said, "yeah it does". Then he goes our situation is different we were having problems. I was completely floored that he could not make the connection. They really just don't get it.

My WH is also still in contact with OW, telling me they are just friends now and only talk on the phone. Yeah right.

I'm sorry to hear about your SIL. I hope that you will be able to help her. The co-dependent no more by Melodie Beatty would definately be good for her to read. I need to dig out my copy and read it again myself.

Goodluck and take care.

Thanks, Daze ... sounds like we have a lot in common. It absolutely floors me that they can't see the connection. Aliens indeed!

Maybe it's the tough-guy super-man law enforcement attitude that makes them think they are "strong enough" to be able to be friends with these women and not fall back into temptation?

It's craziness.
Thanks for posting to me, at least it helps reinforce that my H isn't special in the WS department.

-Ami.

I plan on taking some cash and copies of Co-Dependant No More and SAA over to my SIL tonight while her kids and mine are all at church and my H is working.

Do you think just that much is crossing into the danger zone? I could probably do it through my MIL (her mom) if that would be better and help keep some distance. We intend to financially help SIL as much as possible, but could also do that through MIL as well, or let my H do it.

I'll admit that I don't quite get the co-mingling and triangulation concepts ... but there are lots of things here that I didn't "get" the first time around and wish I had learned a lot quicker and easier than I did. So I'm up for hearing it all.

Thanks!
-Ami.

Here you go. If there are details in your SIL life that parallel yours you may hit a trigger and take it out on your FWH. If you cannot separate the two and you see yourself resenting your FWH not because of what he did but because of what BIL is doing this could be a problem. You have your own to deal with. Make sure you are not jumping into this to try to fix in her life what you cannot fix in your life.

I think you are wonderful for being supportive and do what you feel comfortable doing. If you see yourself taking things out on your FWH for what BIL is doing or SIL is going through then you need to step back and realize it is not good for you or your M.

I do not think personally I am strong enough to help someone because the thought of an A disgusts me right now and the last thing I need is a reminder that I am in the same boat thats full of holes as someone else. I need to slowly patch up my boat.

I don't want to be selfish about it but I only have enough energy to deal with me right now. The danger zone is up to you. If you can do it without dragging their stuff into yours and you don't get mad that BIL did something FWH did then you will be fine.

Thank you ... sorry for needing the elementary version, but this finally got through my thick head.

This situation does hit some nerves for me. Mostly because I'm irritated that H is so concerned about protecting his sister, but doesn't seem to have the same concern about protecting ME ... his WIFE. (My H is not "F", he's still in contact with OW.)

So I think I will try to keep pulled back a little, and work through MIL for now, to sort of stay a step removed.

Thanks for being patient with me while I "get it".

-Ami.