We've got financial problems - AGAIN - and I'm going to shoulder this burden by myself much as I've done over the years. I don't want to offload to WW because she typcially gets frustrated and I feel anger coming off of her directed towards me. So I don't even want to try and open this up to her. It creates a lot of negative feelings and has been the source of bad 'blood' between us for years...

I feel alone in this. Not a new feeling. This lonliness regarding our finances has been what's driven me to resentment in the past - fact that I rarely get any positive or encouraging reaction from WW. Just doom and gloom. Wears me out.

BTW - WW is returning tomorrow night. She'll work at her job and actively look for another position. There's no way we can afford to have her not work for any period of time.

MDC

I feel your pain my friend. Sorry to hear about the finances but my FWW is just like yours.

She worked very hard to create some very difficult financial situations and then sat back and watch me work hard to fix them. Not only that but when I was working to fix them I was the bad guy for telling her not to spend any money. I was always punishing her for her mistake. Meanwhile I wasn't punishing her I was asking her not to do anything else to cause more problems for me. God forbid she drops $500 on herself then we can't afford for her to spend another $180 to get her hair done. LOL.

My advice because I am still trying to fix the finances is don't even get her involved. When I did it pissed me off to no end because she figured I was better then her at it so I should do it. I could do it alone better then involving her anyway. If I asked her to do something I had to explain it 50 times to her so it was just easier for me to do it anyway. Less stress for me.

Work through it and then look yourself in the mirror and say "I did it" without her. Could she do the same? If not it proves she is better off with you then without you. You may even want to bring that up to her about how great you think you did at fixing it.

This is us all over. I've been the bad guy for trying to keep us out of the poorhouse. I think WW appreciates what I do but doesn't seem to make a difference when I ask her to curb spending. She just gets mad at "us" because we struggle. She gets the "we'll NEVER not have money trouble" attitude. She's like a cinder block around my neck in this respect.

Yes, I've just not been discussing with her at all. But this new wrinkle is going to require that she slow down a little bit & I dread that conversation esp. with everything else going on.

Thanks HL. Helps to know someone else is living with the same challenge. Your even mind is an inspiration.

She comes back tomorrow - expect to see a lot more of me on this board...

MDC

Let me share with you so you know you are not alone. This is a story I cringe when I tell it.

About 6 years ago my wife wanted to move back east. I told her we needed 10k to move. She decided she wanted plastic surgery and spent about 6k on the surgery. When the conversation about the plastic surgery started she said "we are never moving back so why not get the surgery." I told her I never said that. I reiterated the fact we didn't have enough money to move there. We discussed it and I told her we were finally in a spot that we could buy a house if we just save a little more and we actually have some rainey day money. She said she could finance it. Guess what she couldn't. Then she said fine I will just get the augmentation it only costs $2,600 for that. Long story short she dropped 6k on it cash. A month later the company I worked for closed it's doors.

I had to borrow 2k from my aunt to pay the rent. I had to get a job immediately to keep my kids off the street. I got the job worked my tail off to pay my Aunt back and to pay all of the bills that were late. I Did it all by myself.

In the meantime my FWW was busy opening up a new Victoria's Secret credit card account and buying new clothes to show off the body work she had done.

Today when we talk about this situation do you know what she brings up? She was mad at me because I took that job without consulting with her.(BTW without getting that job our whole family would have been screwed) I was supposed to look for a job back east. I had told her before the surgery that if we had the money I would consider moving. I told her while I was looking how much trouble we were in if I didn't get a job. I worked like heck to get us out from under her selfish act and guess what she resents me for it.

So there you go. It sucks but I have a lifetime supply of lemonade that I am making from all of these lemons. Hopefully my wife will supply the sugar so at least it tastes sweeter.

Post deleted by Hiker45

Hiker

No this wasn't for OM or for the A. This was well before then and I saw it all. I couldn't understand why she needed an $80 dollar bra to hold up boobs that stood up on their own thanks to the good doctor. LOL

Her A took place way after that. I know the surgery set the wheels in motion though. Why build a better body if you are not going to use it. LOL. Oh well live and learn.

Hey, MDC...isn't it this week she'll be home?

How are you doing?

What are you feeling?

Where's all the practice stuff? Am I gonna have to get out my ruler and snap your knuckles?

:::shuddering::: Oh, that was what the nun did at my piano lessons...yech!

LA

OMG HL - that's a heck of a story. I don't feel so alone now. Do you feel like you're taking care of a pre-teen? Where do you find the energy? Sometimes it just grinds me into dust!

Ouch Hiker - that's a painful trigger. Have you burned it yet?? Not lingerie but I burned a shirt that OM gave WW and it felt GREAT.

LA & company - I don't know how I missed the replies to my thread! I check MB several times a day!

LA - yes she's coming home Saturday. I feel pretty centered and calm. Today. Not every day. Most days.

What do you mean “practice stuff”?

I've been listening carefully to her when we talk on the phone. We have very few – and very short – conversations. Repeating and respecting. REALLY listening.

One night I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying - and it was like me in the old days. I could see how DIFFERENT it was in the context of all the times recently when I've been so aware of what she's saying and really feeling what she's feeling.

It made me realize how LITTLE I was listening to her in the past! I am seeing her as a PERSON now and I can't tell you how different that is.

Have you seen the movie "We Don't Live Here Anymore"? Wow. An affair smorgasbord. Laura Dern’s character says to her H something along the lines of – “You love me for what I DO and not who I am…and there is a difference.”

That was ME. I saw my wife for what she DID not who she WAS. JUDGED her for what she did. And the more I love my wife for who she is the better I feel about…me.

I did a big truth share with her via email last week. There were so many things I wanted to say that were really “couch” conversations that I just couldn’t hold in any longer. I put most of them in an email. Her only response was that she read the letter and loved me. I put a lot of good stuff in there that I believe can be a foundation for us to draw from as needed.

In the letter I told her I’d do whatever it took to build a beautiful marriage and asked her if she would do the same. Lots of other things too. Basic MB stuff. No judgments. Lots of truths, boundaries and invitations.

Some of those things may have stuck because today when I asked her – via email – if OM had been in contact with her she said ‘yes, yesterday’.

She wrote:

[color:"blue"] He has tried to contact me via IM (yesterday) and open up a dialogue, but I have not responded and actually closed out of my IM tool. He immediately sent me an e-mail telling me what a horrible, cold, cruel person I am. He basically wanted to know when I was coming back to the office so it wouldn’t be a bomb being dropped on him. So, I told him when I’d be back. That was all. I’m not worried about him bothering me at work and in person – and you shouldn’t either. Although it’s perfectly understandable that you are concerned. I am COMPLETELY sensitive to that concern…I want you to know that. I’ll do whatever it takes to allay your fears until I find another gig and the whole Buttinsky thing is a non-issue. I want you to know that, too.
[/color]
Then I responded:

[color:"blue"]
Thanks sweetie. Appreciate hearing that from you.

The most powerful thing you can do is share all interaction with me as soon as it happens so that there is absolutely nothing hidden or secret between us AND so that we can work on this together, united. I'm here to help you through this as much as you're here to help me. Don't shoulder the burden alone and don't keep anything to yourself. Please. Let's do this together, OK?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
[/color]

She responsded:
[color:"blue"]
We’re on the same page. That is why I was forwarding all those other e-mails to you. I just honestly didn’t do it yesterday because it was so insignificant to me—just an annoyance to be dealt with. But I will continue to share ALL this crap with you so we can rebuild the trust, okay? I love you. [/color]

Fore a while I focused on things like – “Why doesn’t she block his name from the IM tool?” “Why did she tell me she didn’t work yesterday when clearly she did? What else is she hiding from me? Have they been talking on the phone every day? Am I being PLAYED???”

After chewing on these thoughts for 3-4 hours today I decided to take her up on the invitation to do whatever it took for the marriage and sent a note asking for a NC letter – because one was never sent and it seemed like a good idea in light of the fact that OM was still making overtures. I asked in no uncertain terms what I’ve been wanting to ask for weeks – NC letter, ignore all correspondence from him, notify me immediately if he attempts contact, etc. I did ask for these things in the past but I don’t really think she was listening to me – still in the fog I believe.

So she thanked me for writing the NC letter, said she was uncomfortable sending it to his work address – private email is OK with me, right? That was about 30 minutes ago.

I’m aware that she may be deceiving me. Or she may not be. I’ve gotten to the place where my action is the same no matter which I believe to be true.

Yesterday she was in such a good mood, I got suspicious. Seemed like she had taken a hit of something. So I suspected a conversation with OM. I’m also open to the fact that yesterday may have been a good day for her. Maybe she felt separation from OM yesterday. I just don’t know the truth and cannot verify until she gets home. Cautiously optimistic.

If I'm able to verify that there is deception then there will be exposure at work. And elsewhere. I know - No Exposure Boy means little respect on the MB boards. No worries. I'm getting the help and support here when I need it.

Oh and her latest on the job is this - we cannot afford for her to quit. We've agreed she will get out to another job ASAP. I have my suspicious that she thinks she can wait me out on this one. Even though I've clearly stated that she must find a new job and why.

I can see that she’s putting herself in a position where deception right now would be EXTRA damaging to her. I’m relying on her conscious to do some work here. LA – you said it well once. Can’t remember how you put it but it was something along the lines of “respect that she can think for herself”. Something like that.

That’s the latest! I’ll probably get pretty active on the forum once she’s back. I’m going to go against my nature and not boil the ocean. Expect everything at once. Baby steps, baby steps. I’ll keep posting here to ensure that I’m making progress and not stalling out.

As always thank you everyone for your support.

PS - I removed "NC since 5/5/06" from my signature tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WW sent the NC letter to OM last night.

So he calls ME first thing this morning. 6:45. All 3 lines - office, home, cell. Leaves text messaages, voice messages - "I want to get out of the way I really do can I talk to you."

So on the thrid round of calls I picked up. Says that he wants to get out of the way but WW has hurt him so unbelievably bad he'll never get over it. She's so cold and cruel he says. Did things to him that he could never imagine.

So he says this is not about me or us (WW and I) but about HIM. And how he needs 30 minutes with her. How we are making it so hard and it we can make it so EASY if we'd just give him this time.

I cut him off and said that "you made a decision to date a married woman" he said "yes and she dated a married man". I said "And she's paying the consequeces and so are you - pain suffering and hurt. This is where it ends." and I hung up.

What is with this guy? This is ridiculous.

Anyway I'm a little rattled.

Great way to stay strong and respectful, MDC.

This passes...this closure crap isn't reasonable...and you didn't fall for it. Keep it that way and no more contact from you, 'k? Period. No matter what the messages say.

Did you not expose to OMW? I forget.

Anyway...you're on this, and yes, rattled...you just got the jet-stream of the wild and insane stuff...very childish (well, so did she!)..affairese...the language is 5-years-old...and you didn't go there.

It is rattling hearing adult voices speaking childtalk...

Breathe!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thanks LA. I have spoken with OMW. She served him D papers on his Bday in late March. Wants nothing to do with him.

The other tidbit I forgot is that he said that BOTH of us had hurt him badly. A month ago he was blaming me for ruining any chance he had a reconciliation with his W because I had told her the TRUTH about the A when he was saying right up through the D papers that they were just friends. Geez. This guy needs help. He's MESSED up.

He called back and I unplugged all the phones. I'm sure there's a long email from him in my future.

Oh and he said "I don't even WANT her back." All this is priceless stuff. I wouldn't have answered the phone but I knew this would bug me all day.



That's awesome. I hope is he's being rattled by maturity - of course he thinks it's cruelty. He's the vicitim in this. Just unbelievalbe.

I'm concerned about him harrassing WW when she goes back. Or harassing me for that matter! WW keeps saying it's not going to be a problem. Well this is a problem! When is he goinig to drop off the map.

This sounds TOO familiar....

My FWW and the OM worked together. After D-Day we mulled over hear leaving the job, and decided that it was not the best financial decision at the time. Now, months later I regret putting finances in front - her continuing to work with the OM delayed any serious recovery in our M by six months IMO.

A suggestion: go through different scenarios of C between your FWW and the OM, and ask her how she'd handle it, to see if you're comfortable with it. For example, I asked my FWW "what would you do if the OM sends you an e-mail a year from now, trying to reopen contact?" She replied that she would reply to him and tell him that she did not want to be contacted by him. I suggested that she not reply at all (no contact means that NO CONTACT), and that the e-mail should be forwarded to me, after which we can decide on a suitable response, if any - from me.

I don't know if I'm at D-day #2 or what's going...

OM was very angry at the NC letter WW sent. Sent both of us an email. Provided graphic sexaul details that make me want to puke. And run

Damn - that's probably going to hurt for awhile (it did for quite awhile in my case, and I heard the details under better conditions), but it's also good news - he's doing an excellent job of making withdrawals from your FWW's Love Bank when he does crap like that.

Yeah - I really do think it's over between them and has been for a month. What I'm left with now is this pharase rining in my ear - "unprotected sex in your marital bed while your H was in the hospital".

What do I do. WW got a copy of the letter. I was going to send her a note saying something along the lines of - "this is hurtful but truthful. and truth is good. it would likely have taken us months to work through this. and it's been done in an instant. that's the upside."

I don't know if I should call her. I don't know what to do.

She's very avoidant about this stuff.

Why did you choose to read it, MDC? Why not delete without looking?

Your choice. Know your power. Protect yourself. From the calls, can you find out today what your legal rights are pertaining to harassment? Not to take action...to have knowledge...

Delete...do not open...toxic gas will explode...OM is self-destructing...do not participate.

LA

"What if I cornered your H and told him about our vast oral sex escapades...that I can still hear you calling my name out? It echoes in my ears."

How am I going to get over these things?? How am I ever going to have SF w/WW again?????????????????

So OM says this happened and you automatically believe him...no questioning his motive or veracity...

He is a liar and a cheat...and you are calling this truth.

Wow.

LA

LA - I read because I SUSPECTED that he would divulge something that WW would not or was not. I could have been MONTHS or YEARS before I got this kind of information from her. That's why I looked.