Did you read my response earlier...to put out of your mind this information...you really need to wait awhile...she's coming home tomorrow...after a long time (feels like it)...

She can't sweep anything under the rug unless you comply. She doesn't have that power. That's your fear. Flip it over...are you afraid if you don't confront, you'll go back to CA'ing and sweep it under yourself?

I am asking you to wait, not sweep anything...

Recognize, you need this info for you...your desperate desire...not the marriage.

Do you want to soothe you or the save your marriage?

Like in not having an A...I could have chosen to not betrayed because of the marriage, even though I was feel great pain from my H...

This is a choice you make, MDC.

This is really tough...no doubt about it...not in the decision to ask, but in the decision of when...how long to wait. Each day you'll know better...I'm asking you do you want the truth or do you want a version of it two days after no contact?

I didn't see an answer.

Hmm...:::looking under the rug:::

LA

You won't be alone tomorrow...you'll be in many prayers...thoughts...wishes...

Your job? Be present.

LA

MDC -- And what if she says, "yes, that is true." What will you do with that? I agree you should not bring this up her first night home.

You have a great opportunity to Plan A here by telling her it doesn't matter what the OM says or writes -- you want your marriage and you want her back, unless you're not sure that that is the truth.

If you do this, you end up being the GREAT guy, not at all like the scumbag. Later, at some point, when you are in counseling, you may say you'd like to know the details.

I asked for details -- and it is hard to get those pictures out of your head. But they do fade. Just trust that time will help some of that.

Plan A now is trying to make home and with you a place she'd like to be. Emotions ARE raw now -- so leave them be for the time being. There's NO urgency here in finding out the details, except in your emotions. And I agree with LA -- don't dwell on it. Push the thoughts away -- consciously -- when they creep in.

If you pounce on her now demanding her version and details, you will likely not get the truth, at least not the whole truth.

Good luck!
Shellybird

I've GOT the details. They are in my head. OM gave them to me this morning. I hear what LA and you are saying about TIME though. Thank you.

Does it sound like we're giving consideration to your WW and not you?

Does it feel like another sacrifice when you're caved in with pain and being asked to move a boulder?

Do you know how to send on a detail, an image, in a few seconds, so you don't get the emotional punch with it?

Did you know you have a time limit in your brain on doing this?

I remember this day for me...it was loud with sorrow and pain--I wailed. I did. I had three months with my H at home before he disclosed the details and 10 days of NC...and I had a buffer of believing it wasn't a PA...only once, maybe, with the hotel receipt I'd found...

This is the part of metal melting onto skin and hope collapsing like skyscraper inside of you...and from the other side...long past on the other side...I'm here for you.

LA

LA - honestly what it feels like is that there's something missing. I think I'm trying to make myself angrier and more emotional about what I heard from OM yesterday than I am. I am not following the normal pattern. It's almost as if I want a deeper low but I'm not getting it.

Maybe I want to get mad and break something. Rip a mean line or two off to my WW. SOMETHING it seems should be happeing OTHER than benevolent acceptance. I'm not actually dwelling on the info itself I'm dwelling on the fact that it only took me a matter of hours yesterday - albeit difficult hours - to get over the details I got in OM's letter. They information was confirmation of what I suspected but even so! Why am I not angry anymore.

You asked if I'm worried that I will sweep - YES. I feel as if I have a relatively high threshhold for pain due to emotional/physical abuse in FOO and I'm worried that things will slip under the radar. But REALLY I'm not because I know I can do this the right way.

I guess I want some kind of short, intense drama to counter what seemed to be a pretty weightly revealation yesterday. I want a pound of flesh. But I'm not angry. I'm not! Why?? I don't feel empty - which was a common feelng for me in our M.

I think that this new way of thinking and living WITHOUT actions and reactions and more actions and more reactions is still really new to me and it feels strange. I'm breaking old patterns and habits I suppose.

So I'm NOT getting the punch, LA. That's the thing. And it makes me nervous.

Just feels as if something is missing.

Trust it will come...trust yourself to not sweep...because you're aware...

You have changed so much...

Not angry...maybe want a pound of flesh...

Hmmm...I don't know what emotion that would be.

Not empty...benevolent acceptance...could this be you kindly accepting self...and knowing these details aren't about you at all?

Maybe wanting a pound of flesh to make it about you...hence, no anger?

Fascinating...not worrisome, I think. You being really aware of you...and worried about self-deception, maybe?

Okay to not get the punch...you haven't heard it from the mouth you know...just the enemy's mouth...

LA

Yes! Accepting self and separating myelf from details that are not about me is NEW. Not my WAY. I've always tried to make it about myself. To control.


Yes again!


Yes. Self-deception. I ask that all the time - not nearly as much any more. Am I deceiving myself? Am I ALLOWING myself to feel or am I blocking? THIS is what makes me nervous.


That's a good point. Maybe. Though I do feel as if I heard it from her the sting would be short.

LA - I know what I wanted from WW yesterday when I forwarded her the email. I wanted her to read the email so she knew I knew. And I wanted her to say "Oh, MDC. I'm sorry you had to read that. I'm sorry that had to come from him. It must have been difficult for you."

That's all. That's all I wanted. Instead she asked if I though she was going to get in trouble at work. Then asked me how my day was. My day yesterday was TERRRILE. First half was anyway. I did not tell her anything. I was protecting her from it I think.

So no acknowledgement. Like it didn't even exist. I know about separating. I know. But I just can't believe she said not ONE word.

LA thank you for staying with me on this.

So you had an expectation/desire...which one? WW would "get it" and be concerned...shamed...and acknowledge...

You want her to demonstrate her care...

I gotta flip this for you...did you show yourself care through this ordeal? Did you ask yourself...MDC? Are we feeling shame which isn't ours? Are we feeling guilt which isn't ours?

Or is it your WW not acknowledging to you her consequences...only her fear of one consequence...which could be progress...that she shared one consequence about work...

You BETRAYED yourself? When she asked how your day was...where was your O&H? You protected her in the way you wanted her to protect you...by wishing you didn't have to hear it from OM...

There is the self-deception, MDC...don't you think? Believing you can protect her from what is yours (not hers); and wanting her to clean up after with recognition and ownership?

Where's yours, hmm?

You didn't say one word about what you felt through all that...your day...half a wreck and the other half not?

I don't think you can believe you didn't say ONE word...

LA

OMG - LA you're right. I can't believe I didn't say one word. Holy cow. I did betray myself. ARGH. THAT'S IT.

Good to know, huh? When we focus on what we're not getting from someone...usually, it is what we aren't giving...

A rule of thumb.

No slam.

Now, how do you feel?

LA

Well it feels good to know. A little anxious about finding a minute to tell her. Very simply. "Not something we must talk about right now but I want to tell you - When you asked me how my day was yesterday I was not honest. First half of Friday was a terrible for me. By the afternoon I was feeling better."

If she asks why - "OM phone call and the details he revealed in his letter."

MDC -

I think you're on the right track here. Emotional honesty is important in a relationship - it was one of the things that left our marriage vulnerable (my lack of emotional honesty).

The trick is to be emotionaly honest without LBing - that's something I still haven't managed. What you wrote above is very good - honest, but no LBs. I only wish I could master that concept so quickly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Bird! I'm working on it...

Here we go!! Showtime. Going to pick WW and kiddos from the airport. House is immacuate and I'm feeling fine.

So MDC… How did the convo w/your WW go?

I saw you reply to my thread (thanks by the way), so I came to read some of your thread. I’m interested to hear your latest details.

Hang in there!
--d2m3b.

D2 - Have not had any R convo since WW returned from her mothers last night after a 4 week visit.

I did JUST get a chance to do the snoop on her laptop and sure enough - they had been in contact. Nothing too heavy in the emails. She gave him her address & he sent flowers. Grrrrrrr. I'm 90% sure they also spoke on the phone.

I'm pretty unhappy about this though I suspected it. Guess I've just got to let it go along with everything else.

That's why the NC letter rialed him up so. Because she was giving him access...

So sick and tired of all this crap. To top it off, my heart is wigging out again and I'll probably have to go to the hospital to get it stabalized. Last time I was in the hospital there was unprotected sex in my marital bed. Or so I believe.

What's more is she's going back to the office tomorrow - where he works.

MDC,
Have you looked into a keylogger? I too thought my WW’s contact was fairly lite. That is until I discovered where to look. I installed a keylogger, then could see which accounts she used and their passwords. I hit the mother lode. Sometimes I wonder what the privacy laws are; but most of the time just realize she put me in this situation where I need to protect myself and children.

Good luck to you.
--d2m3b.

D2 - I tried a keylogger but her corp laptop antivirus found it...

Well - no more struggle over WW working at same place as OM. She was fired today for failing to work the 30 hrs/week she said she'd work while out at her mother's this past 4 weeks. They checked how long she was logged into the VPN.

This is what I wanted, we wanted - her to leave the job - but this is not how I wanted it. I'm so sad for her. She's been fired from jobs in the past for things like this and it's just so sad. I know she's going to feel bad about herself.

I have NO IDEA how we're going to make it even for a couple weeks without her income.

Ugh.