OK here goes. Back in March hubby started spending lots of time on the cell, and then began lots of text messages. Initially told me he was messenging a guy friend from work that moved away, but my sixth sense told me that was a bunch of bunk, so one day I snatched the phone away from him & saw that his last message was to someone he had named "ash" on his phone. So then he admits he's been texting this girl from work, but it's no big deal they're just friends, yada yada. I said well I don't like it & think it is totally inappropriate, so he says I can't tell him who he can be friends with. I let it drop that day... then late March he tells me a guy from work has a lake house that needs opened up for the summer, and he's been asked to go help. So me, I go out & buy him new toiletries & such to take with him, duh. He leaves on a Saturday ( I dropped him off at work to meet his ride) & he tells me he'll call me when he gets there. So hours go by and no call. I try calling & messaging him but no response. So I'm out of my head with worry & fear about where he really is. Sunday morning about 11:00 he finally calls & said when he was at the lake the cell was "roaming" and after all the money he cost us for the previous months cell bill due to all the text messages
(75$ worth!) he thought he better wait till he got back in the network. I didn't buy that one for a minute.

So about a week goes by & I'm getting more suspicious because of the way he keeps going off downstairs or outside or whatever. So I look up his call logs on the cell phone website & see he has been having conversations (couple hours sometimes) to this same number. So I called the number & get the voicemail "Hi, can't take your call right now, leave your number, etc" in this girly voice. I say this is so & so's wife & I expect a phone call back. I hang up & call the hubby, tell him what I did & asks what she'll say when she calls back. He says, "that I'm f**cking her" . OMG my world collapsed.

Now here we are about 6 weeks later, and he has since blatently gone to be with her (overnight!) 4 more times, and he's gone tonight now too. He's basically getting with her like once a week. She is 25 & lives with her grandma (he says) & he is 43.

I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck, I swear. Since I found out, I've tried different tactics like pleading, crying, demanding, being overly sexual to him, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I began searching for someplace on the internet that would have concrete help & not be just a ****** session ala "throw the bum out!" as most of them are. Thank god I found this site, it seems like the only sane place left that actually believes marriages can survive infidelity.

So since finding Marriage Builders I've been learning all about EN's, LB's, Plan A & B and all the other acronyms <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I've been really looking at what I may have done or not have done that contributed to this mess we're in now. I now know that I was doing plenty of LB'ing, and not meeting enough of his EN's. The thing is he wasn't meeting all of mine either & this could of happened to me as well.

BTW, we've been married 16 years this July, and have two kids ages 15 & 13. I don't want a divorce & hope to help my husband get out of this trap he's put himself into. He initially told me it was only sex, but I knew it was more because of all the messaging & phone calls. He now tells me he's "confused" and is in love with both of us. Hearing your husband tell you he's in love with someone else is like being kicked in the stomach.

On top of all of this we have to move out of this house we're leasing by the end of June. I've been trying to decide whether I should "throw him out", leave myself once the kids are out of school for the summer, or go ahead & get a new place with him. After much soul searching and trying to be practical (cuz we have no money, but that's another story) I've decided that if he doesn't just decide to leave on his own before then, that we will go ahead & get a new place together. I'm now trying to work Plan A & just let him know that he has a safe place here with me. I've also exposed everyone to the truth (like my kids, his family & mine, & a guy that he works with)

Up until yesterday he did not have his own wheels, but he's got his car running & tagged, so now I imagine he'll be off to her more often than he's been.

My question now is, should I continue sleeping with him ( I have had unprotected sex with him up until today & thought I should probably get some condoms if I do) & secondly when should I begin Plan B if he doesn't voluntarily end this on his own?

Thanks to anyone who replies.

I'll let the others do the usual MB pleasantries - I'll concentrate on what you probably want to think about right now...


That response from him is straight out of the WS' Manual "FogSpeak For Dummies".



What have you read about "Exposure"? Have you done any exposing yet? For example, is this OW from his office? If so, consider exposure to his boss and HR at his office. You also need to consider finding out more about the OW and exposing to her family. And exposing to your H's family as well.

Note: the "exposure bomb" is usually very effective against an A if used properly, particularly if the A seems VERY inappropriate (like the case here).



You are 50% responsible for the state of your M, but he's 100% responsible for the A - remember that whenever you're discussing anything to do with the M or the A with him.



Seems like a good time and opportunity to execute "Plan B" if you're doing "Plan A" and it's not working.



That's entirely up to you, but my thought would be absolutely not. As far as STDs are concerned, by sleeping with him, you are also sleeping with every sexual contact he and the OW have made as well. You can consider this one of your "boundaries" - you will not sleep with anyone who's actively engaged in an A with someone else.

Re: Exposure, I have not yet told anyone at his work other than a co-worker who was giving him a ride to work while his car was out of commission. The day after I told him (his wife actually) he told my hubby he would have to get his own ride from then on. WS says the guy knew about it for awhile but I think that was either a lie or his wife told him he could know longer give him a lift.

Hey tattered, sorry you have to be here, but given the circumstances, this is the best place to be. You will get lots of good advice and support. This is going to be the toughest battle you have ever had to face - but you can recover, and there are plenty here to show you the hard road ahead.

Tattered, in my signature block I have a link to a generic plan to recover your marriage. You sound like you've made a decision that's what you want, but you can't do it without orienting yourself and understanding what to do next. If you have a few moments, please click on the "How To Organize A Marital Recovery Plan" link below and go through it. It's very long, but I'm hoping it will clarify a number of things for you.

The big thing right now is to smash the affair as soon as possible. Your best weapon in that is exposure at your husband and the OW's workplace. There are other targets and they are discussed in the thread I've linked to.

Like the others have said, you most definitely can salvage your marriage. It takes a lot of work, sacrifice, and tons of patience, but it can be done. Are you ready to go to work on this?