Here is the base of my story:
My H and I married at 18 and 17 due to pregnancy. H Father was a minister. I came from a hard background with many issues.
I divorced my husband at 23-remarried 6 monthes later. We have been married a total of 17 years and Have 3 children 16, 13, and 8.
Two years ago, my husband told me that he was not in love with me. That he thought he wanted to seperate. We ended up in a short counseling session- about 2 monthes. We decided the marriage would work and I thought things were fine.
In December, we went to his Christmas party. There was some odd behavior between him and another woman. Husband denied everything and said he barely new the woman. At that time, he revealed that he was unhappy and thought we needed to seperate. I convinced him not to, but it was obviuos that he was not happy. In January, found the cell phone records. The woman from the Christmas party and my H had been talking on the phone since September. Gradually at first, but 6,7,8,9 hours aday from Nov. until January. I confronted my husband. He said they were just friends. But, he was unhappy, did not love me as a wife, only mother of his children.
He told me he would cut off communication with the woman and try to make our marriage work. I kept checking cell phone records and finally, towards end of March they had stopped communicating-but, he had lots of texts-5,000 a month. Of course, they were not detailed. I asked him if he texted OW and he said no. I called cell company and asked them to start detailing texts. They told me it would take a month.
We were in counseling, but things were not getting any better. Last day I told him he either commit to our marriage or leave. He asked to have the night to think about it.
The next morning, he told me he was not sexually attracted to me, and that he loved me as only a friend. If he stayed with me, he knew he would eventually cross to the PA. He thought the only chance for our marriage was for him to leave and realize what he was giving up.
It was awful. The kids did not know and they took it really hard. He left saying he could be home as soon as the next night. Apparently, he went and sat in the parking lot for hours crying.
Of course, he didn't come home. It became I could be home Thursaday. then it was Sunday. THen it was I need two weeks. Then I will have a decision by June 1. This weekend, he told me it could be two weeks as much as it could be two monthes.
He tells me he thinks in the end he will come home but he will not come home until he knows that when he comes home it is forever.
I am really struggling becuase I want to believe that he is coming home. He is speaking with our minister. He is a christian and believes that marriage is forever. He knows the right thing to so is to come home and make our marriage work, he just doesn't know that he wants to do that.
I just spoke with our minister. He believes that Chris should be able to make a decision about our marriage by June 1. He thinks the right thing is for him to come home and make it work. We are not violent, we don't scream and he sees no reason why he shouldn't try to make it work form our home.
I think that this is what I should do also. The scary thing is what if he says OK, file the papers. A friend said if he says that now, he would probably say the same thing in a month or two monthes.
I am really looking for some advice, some support. I know I should not let him walk all over me right now, but I am. Anything that anyone could offer is appreciated so much.

I wouldn't believe that he hasn't already crossed over to the PA. EA is obviously clear, but I believe a PA was or is still going on. Especially this nonsense of having to be away to think. He says, "I need time away..." the rest of that sentence is, "so I can continue my affair without you getting in the way." He can go in the bathroom and lock the door to be alone.

Is the OW married? Have you exposed to anyone other than the Minister? i.e. his employers HR department?

I'm sorry that you're here. I know you hurt.

Have you read up on Plans A & B? Do you have a plan in place?

Give us more details and we can give you better advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have called the OW and spoke to her. She claims that it ws not PA. She is married and has 3 children. She lost her home in Katrina and apparently needed a friend and my H stepped up. Most of our family knows about it and his parents and our my 16 year old son. He claims that he is so upset because he knows how close he came to wanting it to be PA. That is why he won't come home until he is sure he won't ever cross that line again. As far as his co, I told one of his coworkers. Apparently, a rumor was started around the company. My husband told his boss they were only friends-boss accepted that logic. H told me Friday that she was told if her volume doesn't increase by end of month she is gone anyway. My minister suggested that I start driving by his hotel when he is in town. I think I will.
I am not sure what other details to give. He has spent every weekend at home with us since he left. He comes over Friday after work, leaves about 9:00, Comes back early Saturday morning, stays until 6-7, meets us at church Sunday morning and stays until 6-7. He calls alot. He even called this morning at 6:40 to tell me he was on his way to the airport and good morning. He texted me when he got to where he was flying. We went to dinner, just the two of us last night.
There was some confusion. We were talking about next weekend and he mentioned that he had thought about going to his parents sat/sun. I said, I thought the same thing. When we met at dinner last night, I realized he had meant him and the kids-not me. This really hurt my feelings. I think of his parents as my own. He said he had thought that when we were not getting along so well, but now did not want to do that. But, he did not want all of us to go to his parents, because he was not comfortable sleeping with me, because we both knew what would happen. He also did not want to confuse the kids. This whole situation just really stung.
On June 1, he will be gone 1 month. Is it reasonable for me to expect him to know if he wants this marriage to work by then or not? He doesn't go out, he just hangs out in his hotel room working when he is not with us. He says he does not want to be single and doesn't want to lose all that we have. We live very comfortably and have a nice life. He would be giving up alot if he leaves.
Is he just playing games with me stringing me along? I can't live in limbo like this. It hurts.

belvins,

I'd bet money that this is already a physical affair. There is NO reason for him to move out of the house other than to sleep with this woman.

You have allowed him to walk all over you while you gratefully eat up the scraps he throws to you. You need to start killing this affair.

You should expose to his boss. You should expose to his parents and family. You should expose to the OW and her husband and parents.


This is darn near the stupidest argument for leaving the house that I've ever heard from a wayward spouse. What the he!! does being away from the house have to do with making sure he wont have a PA? Cmon, Belvins, you know this is bull.

You and a friend or family member should team up and stakeout his hotel for a couple nights. I bet you catch them in the act quickly.

On a completely different note. I notice you mentioned that you remarried six months after your first marriage. Did you have an affair with your current husband? Did he have one with you? This is important.

I guess I should have been more clear-we were married to each other. He has been my only husband and I his only wife.
It is funny, you hear your spouse say something to you and it seems so real. You write it or repeat it to someone and feel like an idiot as it comes out of your mouth.
Is it necessary to expose if the A is over? Do I sound like I am from anothe planet when I say I believe him. I agree about the staking out of his hotel. I wish I knew where his car was parked at the airport and I would put a voice activated recorder in it.
I have thought about it and I believe I am going to tell him June 1 is the deadline. Make it or break it. I will not spend my entire summer having him waiver back and forth.
I can sound brave, but when it comes down to it, I am scared to death. I have been a SAHM for 16 years. Absolutely never worked. My husband makes over 200,00 a year, and we have a nice lifestyle. From what I gather from the 2 lawyers I have spoke with-he will walk away from this looking pretty. He pays 28%up to 75000 and then only 10%. He will only have to pay alimony for 3-4 years. I know this sounds like alot, I sound ungrateful. But, why should my kids and I suffer when he is the one that is walking away. They will lose their Dad, house, schools all because their Dad has his head in the clouds. To top it all of, he is line for a promotion that could happen in the next two weeks. I am not sure if that is what he is waiting for- it would be easier to walk away after just getting a raise. He got a big bonus the day before he left. I had asked him for two monthes if that was what he was waiting for, when he got the bonus he would leave. Imagine, he got it and the next day he happened to walk out.
If I tell him JUne 1 is the deadline, do we get trying and I file for seperation? Any experience with this?
He has told me if I tell him the marriage is not over, he won't quit trying. In fact, it might make him try harder to make it work.
I know everyone is impressed with the quality gentleman I am married to. Now that I think about it-he could be a pretty good storyteller.

You already said you talked to this woman on the phone once. Is she still married? Find out and talk to her husband. Tell him everything and he'll give you his side of the story.

Why do you think the affair is over?

Well, more importantly, why do I think it is not over: He's not living at home with you. His reason for leaving is ridiculous, so we know it's not true. The only real reason he'd abandon his family is if he is with the other woman still. Period.


Yes, that's more great logic. Honey, lets not make the kids happy and have a good weekend together. It will cause them too much pain.

You need to call his parents, explain the situations and how it all started. Let them know he definately was in an emotional affair, and is probably continuing it now as a physical affair.


My wife did the same thing when her affair started. Do you know why? Guilt. They know its wrong, they know they shouldn't get into the affair even deeper, but inside they want it. Once he left his affair plunged even deeper, and thus he never returned home.

He said he'd be home the next night. Then the next week. Now it's a month. Don't you see the addiction? He thinks he needs just a little more of her and he'll quit. A little longer... the addictive cycle he is in.


How is he trying? Hes not at home. He wont even sleep next to you. He's abandoned his kids, except for weekends. What exactly is he trying? It's just more BS to keep you in his back pocket.

His father was a minister, eh? What does he think of his son leaving his family? Work on those in-laws, they can be your ally if you explain it all to them.

Sounds like you have the money to do some research. Why not get a private investigator to see what he's up to when he's not at home? You need to get that proof.

Lady, leaving home to "get some space" and "getting things straight in his mind" (or variations thereof) are code phrases for "I need you to not be around so I can see the skank a LOT more." Count on it. The adultery is ongoing and it will not end until you smash it up. Take a look at the link in my signature block about organizing marital recovery. I think it'll give you an insight into what you can do about this obscenity and how to salvage your marriage. If that's what you want to do, you CAN do it.

As the others have said, you have some strong targets for exposure--your husband's work place and his family. I suspect there are others. Do a little reading and tell us what you think your next move should be, okay? Hang in there, Lady. Others have been in your position and come out with a stronger marriage than when they went in.

I can relate. My H has been gone since April. He too to "think". Listen to everyone here. I was a fool believing that they were "just friends". I thought it was just an EA. Found out it's a PA. I'm sure that's why he left to be in his own place, to carry on with her freely.

My H too makes good $$, we live comfortably. I too feel it's not fair to me or the kids to be left like this, and he's living the single life with OW, no responsibilities, etc.

I too gave him a choice, her or his family. He still is stringing me on saying he hasn't had time to think about what he wants, but will soon. By then it might be too late. I'm not even sure I want him back at this point. Some days I do, some days it just makes me sick to think about what he is doing to our family.

Hang in there. I'm in the same boat as you and trying not to sink.

Do you have any kind of legal seperation? Last night I asked him what happened to the June 1 date he had given me. Two weeks ago he told me that he would have a decision by June 1. He felt that if he couldn't come home by then, he probably would not come home period.
So, I asked him last night what happpened to that date. He asked if I was telling him that I wanted a decision made by June 1. I asked if he thought he could do it. He said yes, out of respect to you.
My fear, which I know I shouldn't think about it is he has accused me of being controlling in our past. If I give him a date, will he feel like it is just one more way I am trying to contol him?
Last night, after all of that, he did text me a couple of times. That is what scares me the most. Right now, things seem to be looking u0p in our relationship. Did I just sscrew them up by teling him I wanted a decision? Our minister told me there is another family in our church going through something similiar. Apparently, this man has been stringing his family along for seven monthes. I can't do that.

catgirl,
How did you find out it was a PA? Does he spend time with you as a family? What about your children? Mine are so confused-16,13,8. Dad comes home, spends most of the weekend with us, but won't spend the night. How do you explain it?

No we have no formal separation agreement. He still pays the bills here etc.

I feel he is waiting until OW's divorce is final and then he'll dump me. I think he is confused, but by his actions, OW has more control over him now than we do here at home. OW is much younger than he is.

I found out of PA by intercepting emails. Very sexually explicit.

Kids are confused. Oldest I think has put 2 and 2 together. Youngest has no clue. Is having a rough time of it. H hardly sees then anyway. OW too important. I make sure that they know I will ALWAYS be there for them and will never abandon them. Still it's hard.

I like you are VERY angry that he could do this to our family and the kids are the ones who suffer. Very selfish on his part.

Belvin, you're getting some great advice here. The affair needs to end before you can make any progress. I suggest you cover yourself and get a legal separation. Spousal support and child support for 3 kids will be a big bite.

Your CH is cake eating like anything. This would be a good place for you to set your boundaries. He cannot pretend you are one big happy family. Due to his actions, that happy family cannot exist. Set up a more formal child visitation agreement. He's either your husband and lives at home or he's a guest who visit when asked. Don't give him his "home" fix.

I suggest you tell your kids the truth. Give them honest and age appropriate information. Your children will appreciate it. They already know that something is very, very wrong. While you have every right to be bitter and angry, give them the facts but don't say bad things about their dad. The kids can see what's going on.

You need to really get a pit bull for a lawyer. I don't know what state you live in but you should push for as much as you can. I was a SAHM for 20 years, have 3 kids (only 1 still at home) and my CH makes over 200K. My lawyers feels I could get 8K/month in spousal support and extra for our minor child. I've made it clear that we will stay in the same neighborhood until DD graduates from high school. I'll get my 50% of the retirement fund. I will be going back to school. Your CH will be paying, $-wise and mentally.

A year ago, I felt pretty "woe me"-ish too. Since then, I've gotten a job in our local school system and started to live again. I can look to the future. I try to make decisions that are the best for our kids. I don't think my CH will ever pull his head out. After a while, what is there to do but move forward?

Take control of your life.

Belvins,

We've given you answers to some of your questions, but it seems you either don't want to hear it, or don't want to believe it. The unfortunate reality is that if you just lie back and continue to do nothing, then your biggest fears regarding this situation will materialize.


Explanation: His lover is allowing him to see his children, but she is not going to allow him to sleep in that house with you under any circumstance. He might be unfaithful to her.

We've listed out the things you must do to end this, are you doing them? He'll walk all over you as long as you let him.

I am listening to what everyone is saying. It is hard though-I know he had a relationship with this other woman. Logically, I know from what i read on this site that it is also P- it is just very hard to realize that the person II know as my husband is capable.
I now have plans for someone to watch him at work on Friday. I plan on watching him Friday night as well as any other time this weekend that we are not together. I have now found out where OW lives as well as home phone number-even the number of her husband in LA-they are Katrina victins and he is working down there.
I have told him that he has until June 1 to come home. I have interviewed sevaral lawyers and got the recommendation of our friend who is our states President of the Bar Assoc. I have spoke with him and I believe that is who I will be using. If he does not come home-I plan on filing a legal seperation. My question is where do I go from there? Do I move right in to divorce action? Do I force him to get a more permanent residence than the extended stay hotel?
I am not sure I am doing things in the right sequence. I am trying-I just need help and a lot of support. I really am trying the best I can right now.
Also, how can I find out if he has got another cell phone? All contact on his cell phone has stopped-including text. Also, does anyone know how I can track calls made through onstar on his car phone?

Call the OW's husband immediately. Let him know they were in an EA, and they are probably in a PA now. Let him tell his side of the story, I'll be he's noticed some odd behaviour from his wife as well.

Have his snoop and investigate from his side. He can find proof too. Your chances of ending the affair are much better if you and the other betrayed spouse both work together on exposing this affair.

Call him now.

I just called husbands boss to tell about affair. It seems there was already a rumor going around about it. She was told today that she is gone the end of the month.
I was checking my husbands credit cards tonight. I found two charges that should not be there-one for a bar and one for a dinner someplace when he told me he wa eating diner with his boss somewhere else=it was a dinner for 1 on H credit card.
I called and asked and he is mad as a bee. Says I shouldn't be policing him. And tried to make me feel really bad. He got on the airplane and I called and checked his voicemail. There was a message he had saved from an apartment complex sayong he had been in a couple of weeks ago and they wanted to know if he was still interested. The message was from tonight and he had saved it.
Now what do I do? I am working on exposing. We are supposed to have many plans this weekend and he is supposed to tell me by June 1 if he is coming home or not. Do I just throw all of that out the window? Do I prretend nothing has happened? I am overwhelmed and in shock. I don't know where to start now. Please help.

Stay in Plan A. If the OW will be gone at the end of the month, that will help things.

Don't worry about the apartment. The biggest thing right now is exposure, and yes, your husband will be furious.

Please take a look at my situation bel, there are some similarites and I have been given great advice from the folks on this site. Read up on what I've been advised and how I have followed up and see what you think. It's long but you might be able to see how following the advice has helped me.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#3018502

I just ran a credit check and found a credit inquiry from cingular on 4/26 and a charge of 100.00 on same date. How can i find the cell phone number?

It's not suprising that he setup a new cell phone. You started checking his old one and he knew he couldn't use it anymore. Remember that a spouse in an affair is nothing like the old faithful spouse you once knew. He'll do anything to keep his affair going.

Telling you that he's upset at you 'policing' his is also common. This is what WS's do when they get caught doing naughty affair related stuff. He'll say your are controlling him, etc, but ignore it, it's all about his trying to hide his affair.

What about exposing to the other womans husband? Are you gonna do it?

As for the new cell phone, I'd just call the cell phone company and tell them you are his wife. Tell them you both lost the new number or something. Shouldn't be hard for the wife to get this information.