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#1666337 05/24/06 12:36 AM
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I was mean to her after I told her that I would never say mean things. I never hit her once but the emotional damage I caused did a lot more. She is out tonight and it is 130 in the morning and I dont know if she is coming home. I feel that maybe she is out with someone else but I cant get to slep thinking about that.
I have a lot of problems with anger and have recently sought out help to try and save my marriage but up until recently my wife told me she hasnt been in love with me for a few years now. It hurt me so much to find this out. I think of my 2 beautiful children and how much they are going to have to go through if this ends badly.
She asked for a seperation or at least some time apart to sort things out. I still live with her but cant sleep or work because it eats at me during the day to think of what she is doing or thinking. I dont want to ask her if she had or is having an affair or if she gave her love to someone else instead of me because I shut her out for so long.
We have been together for 12 years now, married for 11 with a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I married her when she was 20 and she tried to tell me that when we were married she was just a kid and that we have grown apart. Yes there are a lot of ways we have grown apart but there was 10 different ways we grew closer to one another.
My parents were divorced when I was 3 and it ate at me and I still think to this day that I will never get over it and now I see what my mother went through.
I love my wife so much and would do anything to save our marriage but I dont want a divorce. i spend most of my days thinking about what i said to her and the evil things i called her and it tears me apart to hear myself say these things after all these years.
Can anyone help me? I am really alone on this.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 363
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Hi Noah,

I am sorry you are at a bad place today, but I believe there's hope yet, for your marriage. Please go through the Marriage Builders website and pay special attention to the Emotional Needs section.

The divorcing/divorced section of this forum has few visitors-- try posting your story in General Questions II, you will get a lot more responses.

Take a deep breath, you are not alone, there are many ways to rebuild your marriage.

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I'd also suggest you get in touch with a good therapist as soon as possible.

You have problems with anger. As you probably already know, anger is a secondary emotion--it overlays fear or sadness/hurt/pain. You told us how sad you are, how scared you are. You are particularly vulnerable to another Angry Outburst, verbal or, worse, physical. That is the one thing that must NOT happen right now. Period.

A separation to protect her, and her love for you, may be the best possible thing because if you explode, that could be the last straw. You can't afford to risk that.

You know, sometimes, when we've screwed up big time, we worry about the consequences to ourselves, and maybe our children. But, right now, you probably should spend more time thinking about her. It will pay dividends in saving your marriage.

While emotional needs are important, they are second in the plan. The first step is to stop LoveBusters. Read that up. You can't afford any withdrawals. Once you prove you won't harm her emotionally, then she'll slowly allow you to meet her emotional needs.

So, the plan is...
1. Read this site and the books when you can get them.
2. Find an excellent therapist NOW, right this minute who can help you learn better ways of handling situations rather than getting angry.
3. If therapist is skilled in alternative ways of saving marriages,or even if not, consider separating from your wife until you have learned to control the anger. As I pointed out you are extremely vulnerable to doing exactly what will further drive your wife away.

To close, I know I've given tough advice. But, I can sense your love, your fear of losing her, your pain and your anquish. You have my thoughts and prayers during this time.

I also sense an underlying strength and determination. Harvest this to change your own behavior. To release control over her because you can't control her at all. She must live her life and make her decisions. You can't control, only influence. Wisemen use influence sparingly too. Those ripples on the pond.

Harvest that strength to fight the dispair. To fight the urges to spy and check up and demand information and force her to want to stay married.

I think you can do this with help and the big Help from above.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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She asked me to leave today so I went to the neighbors house and slept on the couch. its 430 in the morning now and I snuck into my house to check my email and post a few things like apologizing to all of her friends who had seen what a ****** ****** i was to her.
She is going to call a therapist tomorrow/today.

This hurts so much.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 76
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Hi Noah--
I read your post and want to tell you first off that I, too, sense how deeply you love your wife, and also how torn up you are over your anger. It sounds like you have no control over your rage, and when you feel it, you are compelled to use it in the most hurtful way possible, to torment and disgrace your wife. After an outburst, you torture yourself because you've caused further harm to the woman you love, but your impulses take over when you are enraged.

This may sound like a silly question, but have you ever taken an anger management course? I think before you start therapy--or perhaps in conjunction with therapy--you may want to consider it. As a former social worker, I found that clients I had with anger issues would benefit from the strategies of anger management in addition to therapy because they could put the strategies to use right away. Maybe that will help you too. Your wife may see that you are really being pro-active in tackling your rage if she sees this effort. Poor anger impulse is so destructive to a relationship, something you cannot fix without professional intervention.

I can hear the desperation in your post and I know in my heart how badly you want to save your marriage. Apologizing to friends is wise because it shows that you are owning your behavior. If you can get to the root of your rage, work on it, and let it go, you'll find that your relationships and life in general will be transformed into something much more rewarding. I wish you the very best!

Leslie


"That's the sign post up ahead. Your next stop. The twilight zone."--Rod Serling
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HUGS. Only don't sneak in any more. Your wife is a little afraid of you. I know it's your own house, but you can't risk upsetting her at all. And I know you don't want to.

So, now, let's take care of you for a while. How are you going to make it through the long weekedn without going insane? Things are slow here during the weekend, so the MB group won't be much help.

Do you have family or friends you can turn to for support? They should be the kind of people who will keep you busy but not take you out to bars to tie one on.

You can go to the library and get lots of self-help books. Stay away from sappy movies and/or anything that will stoke the fires.

For what it's worth, I think you're already doing a much better job.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Well we came to a little agreement that I could come and see the kids and play with them while she was at work which saves for her on trying to find babysitters.
I asked her if it would be possible for me to come over and make breakfast for the kids before she got up for work and she said yes and she invited me over for coffee this morning and we talked like we used to as friends. Its really hard not to look at her that wqay anymore. She has always been my closest and dearest friend whenever I needed it and I feel so bad at all the times she tried to talk to me and I shut her out and said what i said to her.
I went out with my friends who I am staying with who happen to live right next door and it helped me a lot, not just to go out and have a few drinks with friends but to take my mind off of all that has transpired since last week.
I asked her if there was even the glimpse of a spark left in her that felt the way she used to feel about me and she said that there was a lot to work on. She also called a counselor and tried to set up an appointment for therapy which I felt was a step in a good direction for us because I feel like I own her so much to make up for all the rotten things I did to her. I made her breakfast this morning and had the kids deliver it to her before she came down for coffee it wasnt much just an engligh muffin sandwich with egg, bacon, orange juice and a red carnation and she thanked me for it. We talked a little more and we are all going to the movies this afternoon and then later on tonight we are going to have a movie date at the house together and just sit, talk and drink and watch a movie.
I know I shouldnt try to kiss her but its so hard not to, she is so beautiful and it pains me not to be able to show affection to her in any way. It really pains me that she thinks of me as a friend and not as an intimate lover like we were.
She explained that it wasnt like a lightswitch with her love for me that she has been slowly shutting herself off from me to build up barriers and try to figure out if it was going to be a good day ( no fighting or yelling) or if it was going to be a bad day.
I also talked with my mother which I hadnt done in a very long time and she comforted me because she knows almost exactly what I am going through because she was divorced when I was 3.
Well its another day and its a beautiful one. i just dont know if I can cross the line and show her feelings or if she will shut them out. I know I shouldnt ask her for a hug and a kiss but it really hurts so bad not to hold these feelings back. i think that maybe Im paying her too many compliments too soon as she got a haircut and died her hair yesterday and she looks and smells so beautiful.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: May 2006
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.....and when I went upstairs to print out the movie ticket reciept I found her wedding band and enganement ring on her desk, and she has never taken them off in 11 years.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 5,924
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Noah,

do not discuss your marriage or divorce with her. . . or ask about the future. . .focus on the present, today, and MAKE YOURSELF an appointment with a therapist, because you type as though you inherited your father's traits and behaviors. So you are responsible to stop the evolution of bad behavior, and learn to be a role model for your kids. . . a role model to put an end to lousy family behaviors. . .

your parents didn't have the resources or the knowledge to do this, but now you do, being here. . . find a therapist, maybe even a psychiatrist for medication, and learn to overcome your bad behaviors. .. its your life, your only one, don't waste it away. . .

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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Well I know that we need therapy. if not just for myself to be able to talk to someone. Im living on the couch now which is acceptable for the time being because I am able to be close to my shildren when I get home but I need to find an activity where I can be away during the hours when I come home from work and go to bed.
I need to give her space, a lot of it and it hurts so much not to be close to her anymore even though we still live together. She keeps talking like it is truly over that there is no way to ever get the love she once ahd for me back into her life but, tomorrow she is scheduling an appointment with a therapist for us and I talked to a friend tonight and he recommended a therapist to me so I will give him a call.
I just need something now because all I have left is my kids and the love I hold true for my beautiful wife.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 26
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I have decided to move to south carolina for a while to be with my mother. It is a big move and I hope it gives my wife the space she needs. I live in massachusetts now. The thing that bothers me the most is the impact it will have on my children. I love them so much and it tears me apart to do this to them but I know that I cant stay here any longer. I am just hurting my wife by being in the same house and confronting her on a daily basis on how I feel and how it is tearing my heart in pieces to know that she doesnt love me the same way anymore and that she never spoke to me about it but only pretended that things would get better.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 26
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Joined: May 2006
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I think that she feels that it isnt worth saving or that it is too late to save at all. I need someone to talk to please.


Whats after forever?
We are the music makers, and We are the dreamers of dreams.

ME-35
Her-31
Married 11-04-1995
2 Beautiful Children 10 and 7
Seperated on 5-26-06
Divorce filed 06-15-2006
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2
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Hi Noah,
I know what you are going through. My wife of two years has just left me for similar reasons. I have an anger problem, and have had for quite some time. When I get mad, I feel like if I act angry and intimidating, that she will see how badly she has hurt me... but of course, my temper and outbursts only made things worse. I believe that I pushed her away from me emotionally, to the point of leading her to have an (at least) EA. She is pushing me to file for a divorce and she has just moved out into a new apartment. I want her back very badly, but I know that we both have some issues to work out first. I don't think she ever intends to get back together with me... but maybe if I can show her that I can really change... I am attending therapy, and am going to ask about Anger Management... I have also been praying a lot, for her and for me. The divorce will take at least two months to settle, and I hope that she will change her mind by that point, but it's doubtful... I can't help but wish that our paths will cross again in the future, and I'll have a chance to make up for the emotional distress I've caused her. My wife is a great woman, and I've helped to drive her down a bad path... please pray for us, so that we may resolve our differences and go on to have the marriage that we intended... one of full potential. Noah, I'll be praying for you.


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