I hope you all will not read over this and not reply. I really need some help to be certain that I am doing the right thing. I am the FWH and have been trying to help my W through the mine field that is recovery. She is not telling me that she loves me, which is a change since the weekend. I am trying to meet her EN's, but wonder if this is normal or is she trying to disconnect form me. We still talk and I am afraid to ask why the change has occurred. Is this normal or what?

PLEASE help! I need to know if I just need to weather the storm!

Did you both do a marital resentment timeline? Are you guys in MC?

Are you okay with her disconnecting and reconnecting with you, back and forth, as she works through her pain?

When you talk, are you owning what is yours? Your fear, anxiety, expectation?

LA

What's a marital resentment timeline? This might be something that could help me and MP...

Sorry for the threadjack, 1469.

1469

More info please.

When was D Day? How long did A last.

I will give some generalized info from the infor you gave.

I am going to hope you have practiced radical honesty. If you have not that may be a big reason for this. If your W is pretty convinced you have left something out you felt wasn't important then this will be normal. We are intelligent people that know you better then you know yourself sometimes. You can make sure this is not the issue by being honest.

Next remember there are triggers that will bring her right back to your A. Unfortunately if you turn on the radio or the TV there are 100's of reminders of betrayal by the one you love. I personally thank my lucky stars that we picked a wedding song that is not played on the radio ever. I can tell you when the A was first discovered I could not watch half the shows on TV and I stopped listening to the radio.

When she hits a trigger it causes her pain and frankly your A is the root cause of the pain. As time passes the triggers will lessen and so will her reaction to them.

It will take time to heal. This is not like a sprained finger that hurts for a little while. This is like open heart surgery. Her heart was taken out kicked around and put back in. The more severe the injury the longer the healing process and the more careful you are in your recovery. You are very afraid to do things you once did for fear of a relapse.

When she does pull away do nothing to push her away. Never ever ever say "it looks like you are never going to get over this......" She will with your help. When she pulls away try to pull her closer do something you know she likes. Buy her flowers and a card, make her a nice dinner and let her know that you are aware you caused the pain and will do everything you can to now cause her joy instead.

The more joy she recieves because of you the easier it is to recover.

Do not ignore her pain thinking she will get over it. Keep making deposits so she knows you are willing to be with her throught the good and the bad.

I hope this helps a little.

Thanks for your reply!

D-Day 11/19/05

I have been as open and honest about everything, even teeling things I don't feel are important. I am doing better, but it is hard to know what to do. I really have helped out with Domestic chores around the house and tried to do anyhting I can. I talked with her last night and she is very civil and laughs some, but the words, "I love you" will not come out. To day I was ironing my shirt for work and as she was leaving, she reached out to give me a hug. I was not going to ask or try for one so I was surprized. I think she knows how much it hurts me to not hear her say the words, "I love you" but that hasn't stopped me from saying them to her.

ANy more good advice will be GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!

Well there you go.

Try the darn bath thing. Get her a card saying you know how hard things have been but you always want to be with her. Keep doing the chores but realize that may not be high on her list.

My MC told us one time that sometimes you do something you think is great but your spouse would rather you do something else.

Keep telling her you love her. Be specific though. Tell her you love her eyes. Tell her you love her smile. Tell her you love her heart. Heck tell her you love her butt.

Most importantly show her. Do little things that you did when you first started wooing her.

BTW it may not feel important to you to tell her certain things but it is to her.

I am giving you a standing ovation for your efforts.