Hey,

I've been married now for almost 3 years now and our marriage is really lacking in affection a lot of times. We also seem to be going through some issues concerning my past. I recently asked my wife if I completed her and she said "No." She doesn't feel that fullness with me right now, but at the same time there were times in her past relationships, like in her last marriage she went on highs and lows with them where she would completely just disregard their feelings and do the same thing. That made me feel better in a strange way, it made me feel bit more secure in the fact that it's not all just me and that it might just be her too. You know what I mean?

Back to the past thing; she stated that after I told her about what happened with me and another man when I was a teenager (I was molested as a child) she totally changed; it completely triggered this response, this reaction, this low in our relationship we're experiencing right now. I do love her and I know that she loves me, she's told me that she loves me she's just having having troubles right now dealing with what I just told her about my past. The fact of the matter is, is that I triggered something here; but how do I reverse something like this? Are there ways of going about this that i'm not seeing? Because before I told her about this everything was fine. Now it's like she doesn't know who I am anymore.

Just on a sidenote: I'm also a step father of 4 children; she's already told me she doesn't want anymore children. I'm not sure how to take that because i'm only 25 and I think that i'd like to have at least 1 of my own. Maybe I should put this all behind me seeing how everythings going and all?

Hey, T,

I feel compelled to write as a few things you write about feel familiar to me.

I dated a woman with 4 children for a little while. She, too, went through these "hi's and lo's." She told me that it was because she was bipolar, and she was medicated for it (Adderall). In her past she had been sexually molested, raped while in the military, and an incident of domestic violence.

I think her past made her less able to become vulnerable within her relationships. Her children were by three different men. She also did not have the same committment towards relationships/marriage. No surprise after reading this, huh?

Perhaps your wife has a past with some kind of sexual abuse that she is ashamed of. It controls her ability to be vulnerable. If she is as old as you, to have 4 children by the age of 22 might indicate a history of poor choices.

You were open with her and that is what you are supposed to do. That she is having problems with that says more about her than it does about you. Maybe it dredges up memories of her past that she doesn't want to have to deal with. You cant go back and undo anything, but you can move forward and focus on finding out what her concerns and issues are.

-dm