I found this group just yesterday and I have been reading all of the stories and solutions. There is a lot of pain on this board, but thankfully, a lot of positive solutions and help. I will try and make this brief, but this is my story:

My wife and I have been married for 15+ years and are blessed with three children. About three years ago, my work began making large demands of my time. WW and I have been very close leading up to the job change. Right before we transitioned to a new state/new job, a mutual friend started writing my wife and talking a lot of personal stuff with her. I accepted this because we have all discussed relationship issues in the past. One day, I answered the e-mail and the OM asked WW to send him a picture of her topless. I immediately confronted her about this and she told me that "you know how he is" and "he is always joking that way." I told her it was inappropriate behavior and if their friendship was going to continue, it needed to stop.

Fast forward about six months, we are at new location/new job. I am away from home for a couple of months. During this time, I hear a lot of talk about OM and what he is up to, his opinions, etc. from WW. I believe at this point that she has an ER with this guy and I point this out to her. She gets very upset and tells me they are just friends, nothing more. I don't really believe it because I know WW very well (or I thought I did) so I press a little hard that I don't think it was necessary to be talking to him on IM and e-mail as much as she does. She discussed all of this with OM and he backs off. He told her his honor was disgraced and he couldn't believe that I would think such a thing. He stops talking to her and cuts contact. She hits the skids while I am away and it deeply affected when I returned home. She told me that internally she blamed me for losing a good friend. I felt badly for her but secretly happy that OM was backing way off.

Fast forward another six months, OM and WW are talking again. Subjects range from child rearing, marriage, movies, sports, etc. I am naturally suspicious so I realize that all of his IM is coming either from work or late at night (we are on different timezones). I conclude that he is keeping this friendship from his wife so I mention this to my wife who feels that this is insane and paranoid. He came to our house during a business trip (remember, we were supposed to be mutual friends) and he took my wife and son with his children to a public place for the day. I was OK with it until my wife and son came home four hours late and my wife told me that I will "get over it." I stay on alert and start checking e-mail and IM patterns. Against what I totally believe in, I installed a keylogger and less than three days later found that they were engaging in IM sex while I was at work. I made a mortal mistake by getting very upset, printing out the text and confronting her with it. I told her she betrayed me, broke my heart and ruined my trust in our relationship. She told me that it wasn't physical, didn't mean anything to her and the kicker was she said that she didn't know if he was "getting off" by it or not. I told her that I am not a fool, of course he was. The things in the IM was so explicit and I didn't even know she thought of those things that she typed to him. I was crushed and demanded that she have no contact with him. She felt she owed him an explanation and that I was a very bad husband to pick and choose her friends.

When she spoke to him about this, he got cold and told her she needed to hide it better. He also told her that he would not contact her no more so that I would not get any more upset with her. She wanted me to know that he took responsibility but it was mostly her fault for flirting with him. Every chance WW could, she let me know that losing her friend over a "one-off thing" was crazy and she would never forgive me for ruining her friendship. I took this on the chin and decided it was a necessary evil for the sanctity of our marriage. I want to believe and I want to believe in her. I know I don't trust OM for one minute and consider him a sleeze, but I have to acknowledge my wife's involvement too.

OM stayed away. My wife would call him every few months to try to establish a normal friendship with him but he played cold. I let this go on only because I love WW so much and I wanted to see her happy. I did tell her that he was smart because he knew that I had enough to expose him to his wife. I had full plans to do this if he didn't go back under his rock.

Now a year has passed, they are talking again but have changed the rules of the game. Now they text each other like high school kids on their cell phones. I only got tuned into this because a close friend of my wife's inadvertantly let me know while we were vacationing. He was encouraging my wife to stop in and visit while we were passing through his town. My WW wanted to stop in his city (it is a major metropolis with lots of things to do) and visit some sites. We stayed over night and I monitored their text by means that I am ashamed of and noted that he was planning on being home the next day. I drove the following day and deliberately kept far away from his part of town. My wife noted this and began making comments that I was nuts for thinking anything was going on and what would it hurt to visit him? I couldn't do it, there hasn't been any resolution to earlier issues and I haven't spoken to this guy in years. I thought the outcome wouldn't have been good if we pulled up in his driveway.

So, I thought this would be short but it tears me up inside because I love my WW and kids very much. I know the texting continues and my wife will admit to it (when asked only), but she believes that this is all friendship stuff. I asked her during our last argument about this: "is your friendship more important than our marriage because I feel that you have put us second." I only receive the standard "it isn't a competition and stop trying to choose my friends." Most of the texts are when OM is out of town or at work. He lets her know he is on the road or that what town he is. Thankfully those are cities far away from here but I know eventually it will not be.

I don't believe that anything physical has gone on but I know there is a deep ER going on that I don't understand but I feel threatened. I know this is nothing compared to a lot of your pain out there with serious issues, but I wondered if anyone had any insight to my problem.

TimeOnHands

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Since this is only a friendship, I suggest you send some copies to his wife.

Typical affair stuff.

Very typical.

Keep reading on this site about infidelity because it all applies to you.

What do you know about OM? Is he married? If he is, your very next move should be to inform his wife. Start collecting any hard evudence you can gather of their communications.

I would suggest contacting his W and passing on the entire story that you gave here.

Be prepared - the OM and your WW will be furious. But now there will be two sets of eyes watching their activities, and the exposure might be enough to end it.

Welcome to MB. You are not over reacting. At the very least she is involved in a long term emotional affair. Exposure is key. Let his wife know what is going on...she probably is already suspecious of their "friendship".

NO CONTACT of any kind is essential...not even Christmas cards.

I see, this is a thought that I have had for a while. Non-action on my part only because I was afraid of making the situation a lot worse with my wife. I didn't want to spread my pain out if it wasn't 100% accurate and warranted. She has mentioned to me in the past that my previous meddling in this probably caused them to become more private in their communication. I didn't want to push them any further in the dark.

TOH, nope, you're not overreacting. Your wife is in an emotional affair (EA) with this other man (OM). They aren’t “just friends.” You, for instance have no friends you engage in cyber sex with, I don’t, and I don’t know of anyone else who does either. Get a copy of Not “Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. The title explains it all and I think you will benefit from reading it. If nothing else, it will give you information with which to counter your wife’s arguments.

Second, you say your wife is telling you you’re crazy, etc., for even thinking there’s anything inappropriate going on between the two of them. That’s an easily recognizable technique people use to manipulate those around them. It’s called “gaslighting.” Here’s a link to a thread posted here on MB with a good discussion of gaslighting. When you read the definition, I think you’ll see your wife in the words.

Mulan's Thread On Gaslighting


I gather you’re fairly certain this EA hasn’t gone physical yet. Don’t count on it remaining as it is though. Such things progress naturally from EA to PA. Your wife’s desires to go to the city where he lives, etc., are indications they both have a desire to consummate this thing. You have a great deal of work to do to make sure this does not happen…the sooner the better.

Additionally, I see signs your wife seems to be submitting to some of his requests…if they are not more actually described as demands. I don’t know if this is a lifelong behavioral pattern on her part, but she may well require some individual counseling.

Pardner, in my signature block, I have a link to a thread where I outlined a generic plan for organizing marital recovery. If you have some time, please click on that link and look through that plan. It will give you some idea of where you are and what to do next.

Please pay close attention to the portion on “exposure.” Exposure of adulteries in progress is a powerful tool to break them up. Think of it as the marital equivalent of “shock and awe.” In your words, I saw the OM is hiding this from his wife. His wife, then, is a fantastic person to expose this obscenity to. You’ll immediately gain an ally in the fight to separate them. As you read through that thread, be thinking of other people who have influence over your wife and can pressure her into ending the inappropriate relationship.

Okay, if you’ll read that thread, I think it’ll help you with a basis for getting this adultery shut down and your wife recommitted to the marriage and family. Are you ready to do some tough love and a lot of hard work? Let us know, TOH. We here on MB will help you get through this.

Thanks everyone ... there is a community here! Yes, I am ready for some tough love. It will be hard going but ultimately worth it. At least for peace of mind.

"She has mentioned to me in the past that my previous meddling in this probably caused them to become more private in their communication. I didn't want to push them any further in the dark."

You have not taken any action to expose the affair, and now they are having cyber-sex. Next it will be the real thing.

She was right and you were normal.

As of this morning, you're a LOT smarter.

Do you know how to contact OM's wife?

Very important: DO NOT HINT to your wife that you're gonna spill the beans to OM's wife. Reason: she'll alert OM who will pre-emptively strike at you via his wife. He'll warn her that "Some whacked out nut case thinks I'm having an affair with his wife. Isn't that crazy, Honey?"

Order a copy of Surviving An Affair from the bookstore on this site (or any bookstore) and get hot on Plan A. Identify your shortcomings as a husband and fix them. Stop all angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements against your wife. Be a model citizen. Pick up your underwear.

WAT

LOL at the underwear. I am trying to take that onboard. Yes, I can find ways of contacting her. I have their home address and I can get an e-mail address for her. The only phone numbers I have is his. I can try through other mutual friends or will that raise a flag that could cause the circling of the wagons?

That is exactly why full exposure is so important. In my situation I confronted my WH and OW (she was family friend). They of course denied. And did a pretty good job at convincing people I was overly, jealous, paranoid. They use our children and other friends as "cover" for contact.
I never did tell them about all the evidence I have. But I did share it with OWH (other woman's husband). He wasn't comfortable w/ their friendship but he trusted his wife. After the truth was exposed there were a lot of people that came forward with how uncomfortable they were with the "friendship". Exposure put an end to the "friendship" they didn't have anyone to cover for them.

You are not crazy. You did not cause this. Exposure does not shame them...their behavior shames them.

Get her e-mail address.

In the meantime, compose a message to her and run it past us.

Suggest you keep this mum to avoid circling of the wagons.

Be aware that when your wife finds out about the exposure, you will be the scum of the earth. You have never heard the vile spew that she will dish out. We promise. You can not react in kind. Your mantra will be that you are doing whatever it takes to keep your family together. OK?

Is all this seems sneaky, it is. This is war. Do not underestimate the deviousness of the affairees. Read around here and see what others are experiencing. You will see similarities in every story.

WAT

TimeOnHands -

Listen to the advice Longhorn and others are giving you. If you don't take action now, it will most likely turn into a PA.

I speak from personal experience on this. My wife had an EA that turned into a PA with a person that was also my "friend". I had suspicions but for a variety of reasons didn't intervene until it had become a PA - and then it got worse (but seems to slowly be getting better now).

Do what you can to nip this one in the bud. Expose this to OM's wife, as others have said. Expose the EA (or at least your concerns, along with any evidence you have) to those who know you and your wife and can help. Don't be afraid of any backlash - as many say here, your marriage can survive a little anger, it can't survive infidelity.


Don't belittle your circumstances or your situation. It's a big deal to you, and that's what matters. There are many wise and experienced people here that are more than willing to give their time and advice. Utilize them.

Finally - quick question.


Was this via some sort of technology? If so, I'd be curious to know what it is, as it's one area that I don't have ready access to (we're still working on honesty and transparency, so I still check things on occasion).

I wish you good luck in your situation. You've come to a good place for support. Ask questions and learn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No technology. Just changed the settings in her cell phone so it saves everything and I could retrieve it later. It works for now and at the same time makes me feel pretty ashamed that it has come down to this. Thanks everyone for taking the time out to answer this. I am seeing the light and the path I must now take.

Let me elaborate on this statement I made above.

I meant keep this mum until after you expose to OM's wife.

After that, depending on the effect of the exposure, you keep exposing in expanding circles until either the affair is ended or you run out of exposure listeners.

The whole point of exposure is to remove the secrecy. Turn the light on the cockroaches. Your wife will almost certainly accuse you of invading her privacy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> That you're trying to hurt her. Just repeat your mantra.

Read the exposure link in my sig line below.

TOH, do NOT feel guilty for snooping. Think of it as a military-style intelligence gathering operation. It's become necessary because of her inappropriate relationships, not because of anything you've done. If she wasn't doing anything wrong, you wouldn't find anything.

Just a comment: it's quite likely that the OM has already concocted a "believable" story for his W to "cover" his activities. I suggest keeping copies of your evidence at hand and available for e-mail if you get the impression from the OMW that she not only does not believe you, but thinks you're being crazy.

Also, if your W flies into a rage over the exposure, a simple response would be "if there was nothing inappropriate in the messages, there would be nothing for you to be ashamed or angry about. That you are acting in that manner proves otherwise."

It might also be a good idea to discuss with your W the concept that anything she does that she wouldn't do if you were standing by her shoulder constitutes cheating. This includes inappropriate contact with an OM.

Oh, and that line about you "choosing" her friends? Straight out of the "FogSpeak for Dummies" Handbook!

Exposure just seems like a necessary evil at this point. I have to admit though, it seems like a crap shoot on how successful it works (while reading through the boards). It is the only way to make an offensive move to end the A though. Just trying to get off the fence.

Last night we had a "discussion" about our marriage. I let her know how deeply committed I am to the marriage and how much I wanted it to work out. I received a lot of fogged comments like "i tried to tell you 3 years ago that we had some issues" and "I don't want to talk about it now." The only time I truly got her attention was when I told her that I wasn't letting anyone stand in my way ... NOONE ... to get our marriage back on track. This caused an outburst where she cried and left the room. Once she returned, she coldly told me that she wasn't discussing this topic anymore. I told her that my intentions are not to hurt but to bring a resolution and a happier relationship between us.

I have already changed the way I am looking at all of this and I opened the discussion up to her about what we need to do to help us out. I am frightened that I am met with tears and hostility. However, you all said this was normal of someone with something to hide. The war continues ...

So when you contacting OM's wife?

Where's that e-mail?

What hard evidence to you have to share with her?
The exposure isn't evil, the affair is. Exposure is just shining the light of day on what is actually happening - doing this can NEVER be evil, assuming the motives are pure.

You will be accused of evilness. Expect this. Do not cower under this accusation. You are on the moral high ground. Stand tall.

WAT
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Sunlight is the best disinfectant.