My wife of nearly 3 years is filing for divorce. Anyway, long story short, I've recently snooped in her email and have found an EA with an old high school boyfriend. We have been separated for nearly 3 months, I've given her space, tried to work together on our issues (my neglect, making her feel "alone" since I was too caught up in my own issues).

During all this time, I've worked on myself and tried the MB principles with her...but she has never wanted to come back home and work together. So the EA makes sense.

Today my wife is coming over so we can talk about how we want to split things. She has also contacted a lawyer.

My question is this...do I even confront her about the EA or just move on with my life? Even if she did come back right now, my trust for her and her lifestyle is too much for me to handle I think.

I don't want her to know I snooped in her email, but in a way, I do feel like SHE needs to know that I know about the EA.

Any advice?

If you want the marriage to continue, decline to discuss divorce this afternoon. Tell her you know she's having an affair and tell her you want to work on making a marriage with her that is better than it was before. She'll deny it. She'll say something like, "We're just friends," and maybe something about, "You can't tell me what friends I can have."

Have you contacted an attorney? Are you supporting her with her living separately? Do you have children?

If you want to continue, we need a more detailed description of what's going on, a timeline, and some information about your wayward wife and the other man. We don't want names, we don't need you to identify cities or anything like that. Use the acronyms in the thread on the "Just Found Out" forum to discuss such details, okay?

Talk to us, Paul. What do you want to do?

Link to Paul's story over on Emotional Needs. Warning: It's long.

Paul's EN Thread

Paul, have you exposed this affair? Are you trying to save your marriage or have you just given up? So far, most of the things you have done [moving out, giving her "space", and not exposing her affair] are not helpful to the marriage, but would faciliate a divorce. Seperation, most especially, is a huge mistake.

But if you have given up and don't want to try at all, I would just agree to the divorce and move on.

Remember, if you read the long thread mentioned above, SHE moved out. I gave her space, tried to do the MB principles, etc. but she still wouldn't even inch toward working toward our marriage.

Honestly, I think I have given up. If she came back right now, she would be bringing in a lot of issues that she isn't working at and I have worked on mine.

I don't think even exposing the EA at this point is worth it. I've built up 5 years of real trust in her, why would I want to tell her I found out about the EA in her email? That would mean her trust in me would be blown after all this time.

I would rather take the high road and continue to work on myself, and find someone who will not only stick with me, but love me for ALL of me. Someone who will stay committed and not just run when things get rough.

Just my two cents...

If you're worried about her trust in you after she's betrayed your trust in her so obscenely, you're as deep in the fog as any wayward spouse ever could be. That having been said, you have a perfect right to decide you do not want to salvage this marriage. But...in a few years, will you be quite certain you did everything you could to make it work?

Paul,

Why are you so sure this isn't a PA? Apologies if this is covered in your EN thread.

ok, Paul, I can understand why you would want to move on. You are fully within your rights to do so, and no one would have grounds to question you. But before you do that, let me give you a couple of things to consider.

It is often much harder to go through a divorce than it is to stay and work on the marriage. And yes, trust can be restored. You can have a happier marriage after than you did before.

Secondly, you did nothing wrong in snooping on her. She should never "trust" you to NOT CATCH her harming you behind your back. You have a RIGHT to know if she is having an affair, because this involves YOUR LIFE TOO. This is information that was wrongfully and cruelly withheld from you. It is not "untrustworthy" to catch her cheating. It is "untrustworthy" to cheat on your H and lie to him.

And lastly, telling your spouse you know about the affair is not "exposing." She already knows about it. Exposure refers to the exposure of the affair to key people who do not know about it.

That being said, there are opportunities here to save your marriage if you decide to do it. We can help you with that if you just say the word.

This is an extremely valid point and I am glad you are thinking along these lines. If this is indicative of her level of committment over the life of your relationship, then you probably may be right.

Paul and I have been chatting quite a bit on his EN thread and I'd like to add my .02 cents. I hope that's OK and that helps others give him some solid advice. Being on GQII is important for Paul because he's just recently found out about the EA and definitely needs to hear advice from people who experienced EAs and PAs.

Paul's W left because he was neglectful of her. He had personal issues that he allowed get in the way of properly caring for his W. After some years she finally had had enough and did something decisive ... she told him she needed a break and she moved to her Mom and Dads.

Since learning about Paul and his W he's mentioned many times that what truly bothers him about her is her indecisiveness. Her sometimes unwillingness to make things happen, to sit on the fence and hope someone else or some event will help make the decision for her. He's mentioned she seems less than motivated to work on things when they get tough and require some work. Some of this explanation may be DJs on his part but they are the only window we have into Paul's W.

I think Paul loves his W dearly. I think he would like nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with her. But what I think he truly struggles with is the perceived lack of committment and unwillingness to work on their R. And now he's learned it's possible she may want a different lifestyle than what he's comfortable living with.

She's mentioned to him and in discovered emails that she loves and cares for him deeply. Probably not the way a H would want his W to love him but more like a person would love a close and dear friend. I believe this is because Paul is a good guy. He seems rather quiet, introverted. He isn't likely to make selfish demands or have angry outbursts. He's somewhat passive.

His W on the other hand seems a little extroverted. Since moving out she spends plenty of time in the company of old high-school, hometown friends. Going to pubs and family events where lots of drinking is involved.

So I think Paul has weighed in on his W and their M and what he sees is a fairly awkward future. I also think he's heard enough to know she wants to move on but being a fairly indecisive person and not wanting to hurt him she's stringing it out until who knows when or what...

I don't believe he's done everything he possibly can. I feel he's quitting because he wants to do what he thinks is best for her NOT what's best for him. He's assuming she's done. Yet she recently has even said "What if we split and those feelings come back?".

I think she really does love him but she's in a bit of a fog from this other EA. She also may like this drinking, social lifestyle she's acclimated back to.

I believe if they both worked at it they could make a go of this M. She's admitted to Paul that he is a great, great guy. I believe she needs to hear many of the principles and beliefs taught here at MB. I believe if she'd give Paul and the M a chance she could learn to love him again. If she'd start NC with this OM (ex bf I believe) and concentrated on working with Paul to build a lifestyle they both can enjoy that she'd easily have those in-love feelings for him again.

Then again I'm a bit of an optimist so I'm encouraging him to expose or admit his knowledge of the EA to her and ask her to come home or at the very least give the M a chance by spending some UA time with him.

I asked him to post over here because he's feeling quilty about the snooping and is gun shy about admitting this to her.

Paul, can you give us an update? Can you tell me how long this affair has been going on? Was the affair going on before she moved out?

MyAlias hit my situation on the head above. The thing is, I'm not sure how involved the EA is. Let me tell you this, the guy she has hung out with and in conversation is her ex high school BF. BUT...he is a family friend of hers and has always been close to not only my wife but also all the family and her brother's friends.

So that being said, this isn't like an old high school bf out of the blue and they are talking. He has always been around.

I'm only assuming an EA going on. I really don't have any hard facts. In fact, I talked to my wife the other day and I said something like..."I hope you find happiness in your life with whoever, or whatever you are looking for". She said, "Well, it isn't like I want a relationship right now, do you really think I want THAT on my plate right now?".

I sincerely believed her. So I don't know how involved she has been with this ex.

We just talked yesterday on the phone about life stuff and laughed about things. The conversation was only a few minutes, but we both enjoyed the conversation. It is so strange.

I guess here is my dilemma to be honest. I'm facing my demons, my anxiety issues, insecurities, and growing emotionally stronger (even though it doesn't seem like it at times, but I know I am). I'm moving up the path towards getting better, becoming a better person, and learning to be content with myself.

She, on the otherhand, is sticking with her family and friends and still drinking quite a bit. She has not worked towards our marriage at all. This lifestyle is one I'm not crazy about, and honestly...never have. I'm beginning to think her drinking and that lifestyle may be something I resented deep down and that lead to neglect.

I'm starting to see things in a different light. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife dearly and made the commitement...and I would do anything to work everything out.

But the truth is, things will never be the same after this. We can't go back. I feel I'm moving forward, and she isn't in many ways.

*Do I really want someone who drinks so much for fun?

*Do I really want someone who will not stick with me if I do STILL have anxiety issues at times?

*Do I really want someone that doesn't take care of themself (smoking and drinking, little exercise) and lacks motivation?

*Do I really want someone who does not communicate well and just says, "I think I'm just hard-wired this way".

*Do I really want someone who runs from issues or pretends to ignore them and hope they will go away? She does this and admits to it.

*Do I want someone that hasn't really broken away from their parents to really grow into a marriage and be truly independent.


See with all this time during separation, I've had lots of time to reflect and think. I've seen a lot of things I really didn't "see" before.

I'm not laying blame on anyone here, just things I see.

I love my wife and if she REALLY wanted to be with me, I would most definetely take her back, or at least try. But she still seems certain of divorce...even though we stay friendly.

I don't think she realizes how big of an impact this divorce will have...once it is over, I won't be available like I am now.

It doesn't matter how much you love someone in marriage, if they don't love you back...what is the point?

Sorry for the long post.

I forgot to mention...this Wednesday is our 3 year wedding anniversary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm not sure if I should do something for it or not. That is going to be a strange day.

Paul,

Sorry I don't know what you should do for your anniversary. It definitely sounds like a strange day.

I'd say just get her a card but then ... what would the card say ... Happy Anniversary? There's little to be happy about in terms of anniversary celebrating.

How about you get her an "I love you" card. If you think you're up to that. Nothing too clingy or hints about the future but just a confirmation of how you've always felt about her.

One suggestion. I think you need to mull over your list of complaints regarding your W and her behavior. You need to look at it objectively. Will some of these issues cause you issues with any boundary you may have? Will the conflict in the boundary cause you to gain resentment and possibly lose the love you have for her?

You can only change you. But you must also protect yourself. Fix your shortcomings (which may involve changing yourself so you can remove some of the complaints from the list). Understand your boundaries and deal with them honestly. Don't shove them aside just because you want your W back.

Just as you need to show her you are the best H she'll ever have she needs to show you she's the best W you could ever have.

If her lifestyle is going to be too uncomfortable for you it may be time to make an important decision.

I haven't heard from my wife in 4 days now and our 3 year anniversay is tomorrow. I think what I will do is have a simple card ready for her. If she makes contact or comes by, then I will give it to her.

I will leave it up to her how tomorrow will go.

MyAlias, you made a really good point when you said...



Right now, she isn't showing me any signs she could be the best W for me. I know I listed out my complaints of her. And many of those I believe lead to my neglect of her...especially the drinking lifestyle.

But in all honesty, if she came back tomorrow and showed REAL interest in me, and love for me, I would take her back...the good and the bad. I made the commitement for better or for worse and planned on sticking to it. She, on the otherhand, obviously thinks otherwise.

I truly feel that the BEST scenerio for us to get back together and for it to really, really work...is to have a lot of time between us, so we can EACH grow, mature, and become 100% happy with ourselves. THEN...if we met up again, it would be from a new place, a healthier place. There would be more of a chance.

But the odds are against me on that I believe.

I can honestly say I did my best with her before this divorce is final. I didn't just throw in the towel like she is doing. At least I won't have regrets about that.