I am dealing with this "nightmare" after studying quickly several good internet sites including this one. But having read some of the postings not so sure I am handling it in the best way...so comments and advice would be appreciated.

I am 67...wife 48...married 25 years.Lived 2 yrs together prior. Happy marriage, 4 children ages 24, 20, 18 and 12.
In Jan my wife at her suggestion arranged a weekend in our "honeymoon" hotel to celebrate our 25th Anniv.
5th April I asked my wife casually, as I had sensed a subtle change, if she still wanted to go..she replied "Not really, I don't love you anymore".Various unsatisfactory reasons. She immediately refused any more sex and said she didn't desire me any more. 2/3 weeks later she wanted to separate so I moved to the downstairs suite. I gradually suspected there must be more to it..all so sudden. She denied an affair.
18th May, a friend who had been in a similar situation advised her to admit it which she did. To her surprise I said I had known for a while and its "A" the local publican...age 40's.
He he is a creepy, smarmy, sarcistic character...but a charmer. Disliked by most and regarded as a pratt. My wife is infatuated and besotted with him ..mutual interest in certain music and they chat. He is condescending and rude to women staff and others and a racist. I cannot see my wife enduring a permanent relationship with him for long. Oh yes, she loves his little yellow sports car! I cannot see why she can't see through him..perhaps love IS blind.

19th May. my wife asked whether I would be "happy" if she stayed out for the night now and again. I said I would not be happy but she must do as she feels and wants...(my policy of giving her freedom and not restraining her..not much choice anway). She said she needs to "work it out of her system, whichever way it ends up". She was appreciative and gave me a hug and kiss.

She has now spent a couple of nights out. She came home this morning, gave me a hug and kiss, and surprised me by saying"I know you won't believe me but I havn't had sex yet". I think she may well have been telling the truth..but for what reason I can't imagine.

We have a large house and adequate income to last for years. Masses of possessions. 12 yr old daughter has her own pony at the nearby equitation centre. So at the moment neither of us can face the trauma of division of property, house sale..etc. Nor do we want to spoil the riding future of our daughter in the horse world.

A few weeks ago my wife told close friends and relatives we are separating.
We are on friendly terms with a cuddle and kiss every day...probably for my benefit.

I am trying to keep normal and happy. My wife and I have friendly chats. I am generally following advice from the internet on what to say and, what not to say...etc.
This evening my wife looked at me closely as we sat in the lounge and said.." I'm worried about you, you seem to be taking it all very well...are you scheming something!?".
I said I wasn't but don't you prefer me being cheerful?. I hadn't realised I had been so successful at this act.
In fact I don't feel too good at all!

It is very convenient for us to remain in the same house...and gives me the chance to let her see my "strength", lack of jealousy...and chat..etc. So she might feel I am worth returning to ..one day.

But on the other hand, if she were to move in with OM, that might reveal his true self to her before long.

Any advice and comments would be appreciated.

Do you want to salvage your M? Seems like you might be rather ambivalent. If you clearly state your desired outcome, you will probably get specific advice on how to achieve it.

You are handling this very badly. You are enabling her affair. You need to expose the affair and start on plan A. Read the infidelity FAQ's on this site (linked below). Get and read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.

Don't be a doormat. Establish some boundaries. And she hasn't had sex... um... OK if you say so....

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You are allowing her to continue her affair and be a cake eater. She seems to have mentally castrated you with your consent. My friend, do you really think your wife would accept such disrespect and humiliation from you if the roles were reversed? Why would a wife respect a husband who allows her to screw her lover and have dates with him.
If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Thanks for your replies...I must be handling it worse than I thought!
In answer to the question re my aims, yes I do desperately want to salvage my marriage.
If my WW had actually left the family home I would have acted more aggressively. The fact that she remains here has led me to take this approach.
The affair is now in the open. My WW and OM are not bothered so I have to accept they will continue to see each other. I see no way of preventing this. I considered that to take aggressive action and put any pressure on would drive even more of a wedge between WW and I....and bring a complete split or divorce closer.
It seems to me that, unless either decide to end the affair that I have no way of preventing the liason to continue.

Although I am 68, I am very fit and ride horseball horses every day and had a very regular physical contact with WW up to April. So I have had a good life and am thinking now of my 12 yr old's future. I will be in no hurry to find another partner. So I am prepared to sacrifice some integrity. If I was much younger I am sure I would be dealing with this more aggressively.
So, I thought that my "best" option would be for WW and I to be in the same dwelling for as long as possible...which could be months or much longer. This could delay what I feel is the inevitable disposal of the property and thus possibly better safeguard my daughter's future. Although WW's brains are scrambled and she has lost much reason I know she also has our daughter's future much in mind.
You may be right and she may well have contempt for what I am doing. But does that matter if the outcome is inevitable as I think it is?. I felt that by having her close in touch I could show I can ride the storm and show I have the strength to do this, and implant in her mind for the future that I am a much better and caring person that OM.
As I said, OM is an unpleasant piece of work. He is a charmer and WW is at present besotted with him and cannot see the black side of him that everyone else sees and knows. So, I am assuming it won't take long into a more permanent relationship for her to regret what she has done.

I am aware that WW's addled brains could make her future actions unpredictable but have to take that chance.
I am intending taking legal advice re financial and property matters so that I am prepared as much as I can be for a complete split at any time.

I await to be "shot down"!! by your replies.

Wow. You're a master conflict avoider aren't you?

TAKE AGRESSIVE ACTION

You say it's in the open? Really? Who knows? Just because YOU know doesn't make it out in the open. Expose her lying cheating [censored] to anyone who can influence her actions - friends, family, pastors - everyone. She will be mad as a cut snake of course at first anyway.

End this thing man. Take action. Don't just stand by and be a bystander to the end of your marriage.

You are not handling this in a manner that will help you, your W or your children. If this continues, your W WILL have sex with OM, if not already, she will be drawn further in and get more and more foggy and crazy, harder to reach and much deeper damage done to your M, her eventual self esteem, your sense of integrity and self esteem too! She is disrespecting you, the institution of marriage and her duties as a mother. Your child will eventually find this out, especially if it is public. Forget your age, you are a vital man with plenty left in you! Her actions are NOT ok for a married woman, don't be a wimp and just say to yourself that you have no choice. You have a lot of choices.

Read all you can on this site, read Surviving An Affair by the Harleys and NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass for starters so you will know what you are up against and how to logically go at this.

STOP enabling her to continue this affair. Tell her it is unacceptable to you completely. Look into Plan A, expose the A and read up, strategize. It will only get worse on this current path.

You have a lot of good advice already, so put your plan together and let us know what you intend to do to save your M. We are not here to shoot you down. You will get help every step of the way but only YOU can save your M. Decide to fight for yourself, your W (not the alien WW), your child. I suspect there's a part of her that is hoping you'll fight for her. She might even be very disappointed that you seem to have so little regard for her and your M that you will just stand by and do nothing. Fight! You have dragons to slay!

Thank you all for your help and encouragement.
I have ordered the 2 books.

I slept better last night than I have done for 2 months!!..not that sleepless nights won't continue. But it does indicate that all your kind words have had a beneficial, if only temporary, effect on my outlook.
I felt some anger yesterday as I considered how WW is taking the "proverbial" out of me!! At least the last 2 months of doing nothing really positive has given me a breathing space.
I told her yesterday that, yes..she had changed like she had said 2 months ago but that it is the Affair that has done that...and made her tell lies. She could not understand what I was on about.
I am in the UK so the books I am ordering will not be with me for a while...in fact I am waiting for shipping cost to be e-mailed to me!
I don't want to work out a plan of action until I have read them....so unfortunately the Affair may progress before I can put any plan into action. I was an Architect before etirement so am used to fairly meticulous planning ahead...probably explains my apparent caution.

Meanwhile, is there is there anything positive I should be doing before finalising a plan?

My WW has already told family, parents and her close friends were are separated. She says they understand, notice she has "changed" and are supportive...but are they all aware of this sordid Affair?.
I don't know how many, if any, she has told of her Affair. Possibly one or two close friends. But locals, especially in the Pub, will have noticed their liason and rumours will spread.
I am prepared to tell anyone...but at the appropriate time.

I am fairly close to her elderly parents and a week ago told her mother the full story...at least as much as I know.
Her mother had only been told by WW that she had fallen out of love with me and that we were separating. Her mother will keep this information to herself unless I ask her to do otherwise.

Obviously, I may find useful info in the book ..there is some on the site I see, on how to prevent future contact between WW and OM....but this may be a problem. His Pub business is in this small town/large village...and we would not be able to move out for some while.
WW has many friends in the village so even if she moved she would still be in close contact with the area.

I have no special contactsapart from the horse/riding aspect.
My 12 year old horse mad daughter's life and future revolves around horses. Her pony is stabled here and, unless we moved to near a similar establishment the effect on her could be catastrophic.

As I said I do now feel some anger but I can control this. I want to act rationally, purposefully and with a cool head and a prepared plan. Meanwhile I intend to continue my "relationship" with my WW in its present form.
I do not want alert her to anything...she is already suspicious that I might be up to somethin due to my pretence at cheerfulness.

Just quickly - if you ordered the books here, cancel the order and order form amazon.com or maybe even the UK equivalent. You will get cost upfront and immediate dispatch of books. Time here is important. And do read here on the faq's - don't wait.

Later

Thanks for that advice. Order still not processed.

Every now and again I get thrown off track!. There could possibly be 2 scenarios to my saga. Each one maybe requiring different treatment?.

Scenario 1). Up to March this year our marriage seemed fine..at least to me..we were doing much together..shopping..morning coffees and eating out etc. My wife has just sat down with me to talk about my accusations of lying which has worried her and accepted all I have just said about our marriage. But..she said she had negative feelings for some time before the split...which I certainly hadn't noticed!
She said...the Affair is not full blown yet...she just likes to escape to the pub to talk with him and others.
She is defensive about OM.

I would assess that WW's relationship must have started in Feb/March. In April she did not love me any more. 2weeks later she initiated separation.

She presumably felt guilt about the Affair and by separating she was able to:
a).Keep her distance
2). reduce the guilt element
3). Not feel the slag outsiders might have considered her.

She said at that time she did not want a divorce.
The Affair, such as it might be, is ongoing.
If it ends I hope we might get back together.

So...this may require plans of action based on Plans A & B.

(Will break and continue in case I lose post again!).

Scenario 2.
Based on a chat with my wife this morning.

The Affair is just a friendship so far....they enjoy being together and talking.
She had already had "negative"feelings re our marriage for sometime and the relationship with OM probably gave her the chance she needed to quit.
She had therefore already fallen out of love ...did not desire me nor wanted sex.
I do reckon her relationship with OM is only emotional so far but worryingly intensive with no sign of ending.
It could be that if the Affair ended she would therefore still not want me...THIS IS MY CONCERN IN BEING TOO AGGRESSIVE AT THIS STAGE.

Perhaps she has irrevocably and forever, for no apparent reason to her or anyone, lost any love and desire for me...is this possible, likely, or usual?.

AND THERE WOULD THEN BE NO POINT..IN FACT RETROGRADE...IN CARRYING OUT PLANS A and B?.

I am sure she still has some love and affection for me...though possibly over ridden by her infatuation for OM.
I don't believe all those hugs she volunteers for me are all pity!.
At present she talks to me more than ever about anything and everything...except intimate matters....and she enjoys it. And she looks after the house and family in the excellent way she always has.

She does not rule out our getting back together (though she might have no such intention?)..but of course can say no more than that.

So the "wimp" in me is wary of rocking this comparitively scenario which might in time still have a happy ending for our marriage.
But it does mean my continuing to allow her complete freedom which I do find at times v.stressful.
She is so near yet so far!.

Still up and down and confused!

Dear Nagrom,

It isn't a friendship...it isn't real. She is enjoying a fantasy...this isn't replacing you...it is escaping pain in a childish way.

Why are you going into the future? Plan A is important and real and present time. Expose the truth...so you can live in it...find in you what you didn't see before...how you missed her pain (of why she didn't tell you)...find out if you're safe to talk to, if you know you can't control anyone but you...if you acknowledge and validate what is hers and what is yours...separate and equal.

Examine who you are...how you make your choices (in reaction to her choices or from your own code)...why you would judge yourself part "wimp" instead of human...name fear for what it is...you fear her response to any action you might take...and not taking action is still taking action...

Your WW has complete freedom...I don't think your question is acknowledges that...every human on the planet has freedom and responsbility. I think you're pondering what your boundaries are, how to enforce them...and I do think you are very contemplative...not oblivious.

Find the control freak in you...do you believe you are the cause, control and/or cure of other humans? Find the payoff in believing this untruth...use this as a learning time about you...what you choose to believe, how you choose to perceive. You're worth it. You're marvelously made.

No wimp in that.

If you base your choice in action and word on what the possible response will be from others...then you are a slave to others, aren't you? You're living a manipulative life from fear. Try a new base...

A marriage is a two-party affair...anything, a friendship, addiction or person makes your marriage into three...breaking the marriage. She's having an EA...find out her needs and your own...see where you can meet them, with joy of knowledge, choosing to love...instead of trying hard to be loved.

Focus on yourself, Nagrom...you're worth it.

LA

BIGKAHUNA,
I know I may be dithering, but have re-ordered the books from Amazon. Should be here shortly. Masny thanks for your help.

Dear LA,
That was another helpful and encouraging message, thanks.
I will read and re-read this.

I was unsure though of the meaning in para..."Find the control freak......."
Are you able to explain further for me?.

I didn't mean to insult, Nagrom...and is that your name backwards?

Okay...here is the trail I followed:

"It is very convenient for us to remain in the same house...and gives me the chance to let her see my "strength", lack of jealousy...and chat..etc. So she might feel I am worth returning to ..one day."

"...(my policy of giving her freedom and not restraining her..not much choice anway)."

"As I said I do now feel some anger but I can control this. I want to act rationally, purposefully and with a cool head and a prepared plan. Meanwhile I intend to continue my "relationship" with my WW in its present form.
I do not want alert her to anything...she is already suspicious that I might be up to somethin due to my pretence at cheerfulness."

These appear to me to be signs of your need to control, which requires your belief in controlling...when you can't. I know you see yourself as only controlling you, being strategic, careful, mindful...I say control freak because I was...so my perception comes through that filter.

Part of having a controlling filter...which distorts reality by widening your influence (which expands your responsibility) and contracting your freedom...is intimacy. Being truly intimate with another person is owning only what is yours, respecting what is there's, and sharing self...without an eye to possible responses...checking your own meter.

What I don't see you conveying here, so I suspect you might not do this off-screen, is what you are feeling...which is important and your own. When you wrote about sleeping well for the first night in two months...well, that conveyed more distress, concern and vaguely waved at a whole lot of emotions. Revealing yourself matters...I ask posters to do so here, to practice.

Are you jealous? Do you feel replaced or discarded? Do you fear and what do you fear?

"If my WW had actually left the family home I would have acted more aggressively. The fact that she remains here has led me to take this approach."

Here is where our intent to control comes back to bite us in life. If we choose our actions based on response, then we are controlled by others' actions...what they do changes what we do...because we change what we do depending on what they might do.

Tough way to live. No freedom, constant responsibility and higher levels of fear than love.

"My WW has already told family, parents and her close friends were are separated."

You state this twice in your posts...she is lying. You are lying by omission by not correcting this...you told her mother, I suspect, from the deep need in yourself...and asked her mother to lie by omission, also.

Truth truly does set us free, Nagrom (could be backwards for a horse?)...free to live in those three realities. If you had already exposed...to friends, family, horse associates, wherever she's a member of a group...and asked for their help in saving your marriage...this publican (now my American ignorance comes in because I think politician, but he owns a pub, so maybe I'm off...if he holds office, expose to the newspaper).

This is where the respect comes in...you respect her because her choices are her own...you do not make your intent to expose an act of retaliation or manipulation...it is spreading truth, owning your part, knowing her part is her own...and no, all OM are exactly as you describe...I swear...he is not charming her into anything...that makes him a real person (which he is not as an affair partner (AP)...do not be misled into thinking he's real when he is only a fantasy...an escape for your WW...not REAL)...

Lying by omission is a signal to me that I am looking more to my self-image, and being disrespectful to other humans, who are fully capable, whole and complete, like me...when I withhold, I am manipulating. I want to look to my true self, not the false image, and live in there...respect others and know our equality by God's design. I will not attempt to extend my influence or contract my freedom.

Listen and repeat what your WW says...hand back her words with choice...by using "I feel" and "I believe" statements. State your own truths about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...in what I call drive-by O&H (openness and honesty) to reveal self...which is being faithful to self...do not add to your betrayal by WW by betraying yourself.

I feel like a repeat offender here...if you'll read my other threads, you will here this same advice...and tonight, I'm doubting my perception...maybe I'm seeing this where it isn't...self-doubt.

LA

LA,
Thanks for your further comments and advice.
No offence taken at anything.
I can see what you mean re "control freak".

I don't seem to feel "jealousy". But do feel "discarded".Don't feel fully "replaced" yet.

I "fear" taking wrong steps. That is "fearful" of not being back together with WW one day. I have to admit this, while convincing myself that I do not NEED her!.

"Publican" is the owner of the local Pub/hostelry/drinking house.

"Actions based on response". I can see my possible weakness here.

WW has definitely told many, including family, that she has separated.
But appears to have told no-one of the Affair (whether just emotional or sexual..I do not know).
She may have told one or two close friends.

What is holding up your exposure then? Do you believe you have the power to drive a wedge, push your WW away?

That's her choice.

If you are sickened by lies, tell truth. Expose.

This doesn't end Plan A...it IS Plan A. You stay present, listen and repeat, inject respect back into your marriage...and choose from your code.

You can do this. Too bad he isn't a politician...I was hoping for the newspaper coverage exposure.

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Expose the pub to the employees.

You can really get to living without guessing, Nagrom. "I may be dithering"...own your own stuff. If you are, from fear, then own it. No judgment here. If you are fearful, own that...know that is what you've operated from most of your life...in really sneaky ways...and choose not to act from fear.

Expose today so that you are not participating in the lie. You matter. Your marriage matters. You want your marriage, and your wife...and you have a DD who is better off in a family where there are only two people in the marriage, not three.

What have you found in your beliefs from the Love Busters, which you could eliminate? What ENs does your WW have you can better meet? These aren't manipulations...they are improving your life, the way you choose to love.

LA