I am waiting for the book SAA, which should be here by Monday 5th June.
I do not feel ready to proceed further till I have read it.

Meanwhile I have prepared a communication in writing for circulation to all who I feel should know of the Affair, and especially that it began much earlier than my WW's declaration of separation in April. It will be difficult to visit all, but I may try and see a few personally.
I do not think many, if any, know of the Affair and certainly that it must have started in February this year.
I have no proof of this except that it is obvious.

As I am sure very few know of the complexities of an affair and that they have a standard pattern, I have have given a brief description of an Affair interspesed with notes to show how my WW's behaviour is mirrored throughout. I have made it as brief and to the point as possible and am sure the message will be understood.

I intend to do it all in one hit. I will try and draft my "A" plan next week and, as I will be away on a Horseball weekend will delay the "exposure" until Monday 12th June.

See you when you get back...

Sounds like a plan...does the exposure letter include how much you love your wife and are doing this to save your marriage? That you're asking for their help?

Have fun at the horseball...

LA

Thanks LA,

I will add in your comments.

I have read through most of SAA and found the one story similar to mine, although I found out about the infidelity in a different way. But interesting in that they had the problem that I forsee in my case, and that is complete separation from the OM.

I had expected more advice in the book re the exposing of the affair. I will just have to continue what I have prepared and hope it has the required effect.

I would like to expose the affair sooner, but expect "fireworks" from the WW. As I will have a strenuous 3 day weekend away...next weekend....I am preparing to "expose" as soon as I return on the Monday. I do not want to risk spoiling the weekend for my daughter's sake, it gives me time to make access to too much of my finances by her more difficult and it may be best to be around if all ****** lets loose!

Learning to make your choices from your own code and not based on possible response from others...difficult to retrain yourself...you can do it. Puts WW's response away...do not DJ and expect or think about...her reaction is hers...

You're thinking ahead...making your choices. Remember, this A has gone without exposure and cemented a bit...tougher...do not delay past Monday, 'k?

LA

Dear LA,
Thanks for your message. I am well aware that things may be a bit...or very much...more difficult after the exposure.
And I am very anxious to put it into action asap.
I have delayed long enough but needed to ensure that WW has minimal access to our finances if she goes ballistic.
She does have a few thousand £ in her account I had promised her from considerable funds arriving now and again from a sword collection sale. I am trying to keep full details of that secret from her but will have to admit to some. Knowing how much she needs money for her appearance, clothes etc...I think she will be careful not to use too much in other ways.
I now plan to expose on Friday...that is the day daughter and I go away with the Horseball teams till Sunday eve.
So I don't expect to be welcolmed back with open arms!!

Daughter and I are off for our long Horseball weekend tomorrow. I have a handfull of letters to post exposing the Affair.
So Monday should be interesting!!. I know my elder son will be absolutely furious!!

I have strentghened my resolve. I am prepared for a LONG PLAN A. But separating WW and Mr.Slimy through this stage will be very difficult. Regarding possible reconciliation, I am a bit concerned that my WW did not display any of our 25th anniversary cards of May 2nd. She tore them up and binned them!. Does this sum up what she thinks of our marriage?>
I feel I am helping myself now with a forward looking plan...in that my elder daughter and partner are VERY interested in pooling resources to buy land with property for extension in the country. This will mean that younger daughter would have somewhere for her pony and my horse could also be saved.

I still love my WW but this will help me to to take as tough a stance as necessary.

Thank you for the news, Nagrom...

Does it matter what your WW did with the 25th anniversary cards? She's having an A...if she doesn't tear up those sentimental representations of 25 years of marriage, then how could she stay in the A if the marriage wasn't to blame?

Don't look to her actions for your truth...you have your own, Nagrom. To do the long-haul Plan A, then know this separateness...break that enmeshment...it's sneaky tricky and you'll find it in you in the most surprising places...that's okay...learn from yourself, your feelings...that's what they are there for.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What she thinks of the marriage will change...it has changed, time and time again, over the last 25 years, hasn't it? Hasn't yours?

You're not alone in this...and there are no coincidences...have faith you will get what you need when you need it...because you will.

And yes, you're seeing it already as you see a great Plan A being followed by a great Plan B...

Have fun with your daughter...I know that "break a leg" ISN'T what you say; just no idea how to convey support in the horse world.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,
I am glad you are keeping an eye on my progress...I am grateful.
I will come back to the Forum next week,
Thanks,

Just wanted to wish you "Good Luck" at the event.

All of my Daughters ride as well.

WTF,
Thanks for the good wishes. Its good to share other interests than the depressing problems most of us have!!
My horse is at present too unsound to play and am looking for another...possibly a Criollo.
My daughter's team won all their 4 matches so we returned slightly elated this evening.
To more serious business!..I will report on the current position re WW.
We had a long mobile /tel chat over the weekend. I made some rough notes while sitting in the sun surrounded by horses...probabaly a bit rambling...I may split the postings to avoid any loss,

Right...here goes....
I posted letters exposing the Affair to close relatives, family and one or two friends who she had merely said we are Separating.
I left for the H/B weekend on Friday.
WW rang me Saturday midday to say she had received the letter from me telling her what I had done. and that a friend had called round as she was very surprised at I had done as rather out of character.

WW said she was dissapointed in me in having sent the letters...would "kill" her aging parents. (I did'nt tell her that I had already told them everything in "moderate" detail ...they had not been surprised...and would not be a shock).
WW told me she needed more time to tell them!!
Letters obviously embarrassed WW, but she said she was more embarrassed for the recipients.
I explained why I had done it...that people had appeared to understand and support her without knowing the whole story.
We chatted at some length...WW not appearing angry but "dissapointed" in me.
We rather talked round in circles...so difficult to record.
I said I had been avoiding chats of too personal a nature and avoiding saying I love her....but that I do love her...and that is why I sent the "exposure" letters.
As half expected she played down the Affair, saying it was just a friendship that started after the "Separation"

continued/...
She had been unhappy for some time. I said that discontent may have been the reason for the Affair but was no excuse for it. She should have made any discontent clearer, which she had not....she did not disagree. I added that we both were probably at fault here.
I said the Affair was obviously intense before the "Separation". I said, call it what you like you like...friendship or whatever...it was a verey intense friendship that gone out of her control. She would not otherwise have broken up with me so suddenly.
Anyway, she has now stayed away for 8 nights...and so she said that yes of course she had now had sex with OM.

Continued/,
She said she is very lucky to have someone so understanding and dealing with it in the way I am. I said I have no choice at present if she is to remain living in our house (which does suit us both!) but that I do not like it and would stop the relationship if or when it is in my power to do.
I said it is VERY difficult for me...and she appreciated that.
WW's version of the Affair is that it is not really an Affair...just a close friendship!. She said the "friendship" started AFTER our Separation....A LIE....it was obviously very intense before then.
Anway...its still a "friendship"..they don't kiss or cuddle over the bar of OM's hostelry..(I should think not!).

He apparently has no commitment to her and vice-versa. But she is drawn to the pub/hostelry like to magnet...whenever she can.
She said she has no plans of leaving our home for him...just wants to continue living as we are..(certainly having her cake and eating it).
Somewhere in the conversation I recall her saying she is confused. (she's not kidding!).

She said she does love me. She loves talking to me. I said we need to talk about the aspects of our marriage that she has been unhappy with because as far as I was concerned we got on well together until "Separation day". I said I should have note warning signs and there wer aspects cin which I should have excercised more thoughtfulness, care and discussion.
She seemed ready and almost looking forward to a continuation of the discussion when I returned.
So at least the lines of communication are still open!!.

I sdaid I have to move forward, either with her or without her.
(Therefore I may be able to rebuild our relationship over the next 6 months or so).I think what has happened this weekend has provided a step in the right direction...it has already opened up conversationon these matters.

Whether her continuing sexual liason with OM...who I finf a little repulsive...will eventually cause me to fall out of love with her I don't know...Its not very nice.
Still my love for WW is still very strong and I have fewlt this for the last 27 years!!.

One concern I have here is that OM is much younger than I, and although WW and I made love rewgulary....at my age I may not be able to match what she is currently receiving!!
In our telephone conversatio WW really played down the Affair. I explained to her that that was exactly why I had gone to the trouble of giving a detailed analysis.

As I previously said, I have a contingency plan which will help me to be tough. That is to buy land and property in association with elder daughter.

WW is not angry yet. Still wants to talk a lot. Still loves me (whatever that means in her vocabularly).
Knows and accepts I love her and want to discuss what she saw as the negative aspects of our marriage.
Her feelings for OM must be much stronger than she admits.

I suspect OM could well discard her at some time. He had an Affair latec 2005 to early 2006 and I understand she has a reputation.

correctiion..."understand he has a reputyation".

Back home. WW gave me a less than enthusiastic hug and kiss. ..said I didn't really deserve it. Talked about her dissapointment in me for the letters.
Added that in fact she felt anger earlier today about it.
I said that was to be expected.
I said that I was not sorry for what I had done but apologised for any discomfort to you or others.
She said too late for that...youv'e probably "killed my mother and father.
I said I am sure your mother is ok and that I woould phone her. WW said no.......but I did while she was washing her hair.
WW's mother was fine as I had already told her everything.
So I told WW that I had spoken her mum and there was nothing to be concerned about...and I had arranged to help them move house soon.
We talked a lot ...much more than we had done for a long time. She said if I did anything like this agai she would hate me....and there would be no chance of reconciliation.
She said she still has love for me...I said, yes I can tell, but while you are infatuated with OM you are not going to regain the love you once had for me.

sUBMITTED EARLY...!!!

WW cooked a simple supper. We chatted mainly about the days events. I felt more relaxeed and told of events of the weekend...she did likewise.

The exposure aspect is working better than expected and the word is being passed on.

But at the moment I am wondering whether to call it a day and let WW go her own way. She will be just another notch in OM's bedpost (I have been talking to others today!) and goodness knows what diseases she might pick up!.

"She said if I did anything like this agai she would hate me....and there would be no chance of reconciliation.
She said she still has love for me..."

This is standard WS statement...usually said when someone threatens exposure instead of doing it...and you did it.

Way to go, Nagrom! How do you feel? How are you doing? Why do you subscribe to believing there was a Separation Day...when there wasn't? She was the one telling people you were separated when you weren't...or did I get all that wrong?

Holding to truth gives you, the BS, ground to stand on. Not participating in the cover up, the lies, the misrepresentations are important. Separation is what we legally file...and with intent to divorce or to eventually reconcile...you are married; she is married to you; fact is fact...stay in that fact.

Definitely require STD testing before resuming SF is WW goes no contact and recommits to the marriage.

There's no letting her go her own way...and I know you know that...she makes her choices and you make yours. Know them for that...no one lets the other...

Learn to speak your feelings, Nagrom...if you're abhorred, angry, fearful, frustrated, disgusted...speak of them...own them...don't come at it sideways because that blocks intimacy...this could be the gold nugget to learn in all of this...understanding and owning your pain...knowing you're human...giving yourself permission to state your truth.

Practice here.

Are you listening and repeating in your conversations with WW? Handing back her statements with her choice emphasized?

And an observation...she said you will have killed her father and mother with this exposure...and you got on the phone...this is refuting her belief...in a way, discounting it...hand back this belief to her...it's hers...no need to prove anything...that's arguing. Hear it and hand it back..."You believe your affair will kill your father, is that correct?"

No argument...hand back for clarification or confirmation. That's respectful.

You're doing great...keep posting and reading...identifying ENs, boundaries, LBs and learning a lot about yourself, your language of love, and hers...if she decides she will no longer have contact, then ask her to write a letter which you read and you both mail...when she recommits to the marriage and ends her A...

Plan A...great stuff.

LA