....
I had tried to get WW to leave home some while back to put a plan B in action . At first she reluctantly agreed and started to look for alternative accommodation but then refused to go on the basis of some poor advice she received about losing out financially and loss of property rights...etc..

So I was very surprised when she suddenly announced a week or so ago that she had found an unfurnished flat and wanted to move in there asap.
Her reason for leaving being that she "feels she is always being watched"!! A poor reason for fairly drastic action?.

to continue...

....
I have agreed to pay her monthly rent....otherwise she could not (yet) afford to go.
She has asked for no other financial help (yet). She intends to survive from her savings and meagre income. This also depends on her finding more permanent employment after Christmas.
She has not discussed at all division of property, selling the house...or the future at all, so I do not know what is in her mind. She just seems desperate to have her "own space" and independance at all costs.
Although the children will remain with me she will still be able to keep in contact with them.
She, with my help, has fully furnished her flat with items from our home.
She said when first telling me of the flat that if she found she could not manage she could always return home!!

continue.....

......
She has taken the car which I will maintain until after its service, MOT, tax etc in March 2007...then review this aspect. She wants to find a smaller more economical car though as she will depend on it for travelling to work.

Because I expect her mind is still foggy and confused, I wrote a short note for her to read and think about at her liesure to avoid any emotional and useless discussions.

I will not surmise here what she might be up to!!. And I have no idea of her future plans...if any.
I have suggested that as soon as she has settled in we will have as little contact as possible.
The flat is within easy walking distance so I am sure dd12 with visit her mother faily regularly.
WW will give me advance warning of any visit WW may make home.
How long this situation will last I have no idea...months...years...?

MIM...Thanks for the technical advice.

To me, this seems like she gets to live her fantasy, and you get to pay for it.

Doesn't sound like much of a bargain to me, Nagrom.

Just to add that DD21 has organised a pre-Christmas meal for me and the children. She has invited WW who said she will join us.

The children and I are having a proper Christmas..tree..open fire..turkey meal...etc.
WW will join us for the day, but has other undisclosed plans for herself for Boxing day.

DD21 has just had another baby. She had the vast collection of family photo albums (which W has meticulously and lovingly put together over the years) out yesterday to see which child her new baby resembled...in fact son 18.
But I also observed that W was always smiling and happy in ALL the many photos of her.

MIM,
I am sure you are right.
But is it that she might now want to get out of the marriage anyway?.

Perhaps. But are you willing to pay for her departure? Because to me it seems like thats' what is happening here...

I wish you luck my friend. I kind of agree with ManInMotion in that you are paying for her to continue to live her fantasy. Surely you realize that it will be a matter of time if not already that she will meet someone else to share her physical needs with at her new place. I predict down the road she will meet with a lawyer and try to increase her financial assets at your expense.

I guess my concern is that while she is living her single life you continue to confine yourself to being the disposable husband who patiently waits for her return. My friend life is for the living and you have a right to live and find happiness with someone else if you choose. You sound like you have a lot to give to someone else. Clearly your wife (if you can call it that) has so totally given up on the marriage by her disrespect to you and the entire family that she believes she has moved on. I think it is time for you to move on and meet other people so you can find your happiness with someone else who can truly love and respect you. You need to focus your energy on your future and not on your past. These are just my thoughts of course but I do wish you the best because you deserve it. I just wished you really believed this also.

Bryanp,
I know you are not keen on posting on this thread. But thanks for that. I am sure you are right in what you say.

I will have seriously consider seeing a lawyer again to safeguard my finances etc.. And check how long I can hold off a house sale, divorce etc..

At present I do not know her reason in getting this flat as a matter of urgency.
Either her Affair continuing under cover.
Or a new lover.
Or simply to escape the marriage?..

I thought my sagaa resembled that endured by Jon, with Sue, in SAA?...

It could be any number of reasons. For example, perhaps now that the "rush" is wearing off, she's really ashamed of what she's done, and she can't bear to face you every day, knowing that you know what she's done as well. Or maybe she's thinking that because she found herself attracted to someone else, that means you can't be the person she should want to spend the rest of her life with. Could be any number of reasons.

I still say you're enabling the destruction of your M by paying for her departure. If she wants to be independent, you shouldn't shield her from the consequences of her actions. Don't pay, or pay only if required as part of an LSA.

Nagrom,

Good to know what she's done...how about you? Are you going to look into the eyes of Plan B and really enforce it? Get a third party to coordinate through...no contact from you to her at all...no visual, audible or inside your mind contact...if you decide you want to save your marriage.

If you decide against Plan B...continue in the somewhere inbetween...not Plan A, not Plan B...then consider filing for divorce now...take that step, to be honest and live in truth. You're half the marriage, Nagrom. You remain half the marriage...even if the marriage dissolves, you're still half.

You have potency...Why not define and enforce boundaries around yourself...every thing you post is dependent on her actions, thoughts, beliefs, feelings...nothing about yours. Your choices are independent of her stuff. You make your choices. She doesn't make you make them. She doesn't make you not take action...you choose not to file...to safeguard...though you proposed do this for you and your children many times...you choose not to...and that's a choice.

Your focus has remained on her, in her, and may have been the final disrespect to end your marriage. Getting in the way of her choices and consequences, and getting in the way of your own.

You rent DJs so much space in your head instead of living in truth and reality...by going into her mind, her stuff, fabricating thoughts, assumptions and questions...all the while, posing them as reasonable what if's...and they have not been reasonable. When another person refuses to share their truth, you cannot know it...I believe you do this so you can still feel in that old control...the one you've believed in all your life...if you can do this, they'll do that...if you earn love well, you'll feel loved well; if you are good enough, you won't come to harm from others; if you are patient enough, you'll be rewarded; if you put up with enough, others will put up with a lot from you...the scales imbalanced mightily this last year...and I wonder, what beliefs do you have now? What have you learned and begun to live...with this new knowledge?

You believe, like Jon, you neglected to listen, hear and understand your wife, treat her respectfully and work all the time (wasn't that Jon when Sue had her A?)...we don't know about WW being Sue...she's not here. You have a filter she comes through...so that's tainted evidence, sir.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have you...just you...powerful, limited, marvelously made you.

You obfuscate reason...she is choosing to act single while married. That is the truth of her actions. She is not acting like a wife...she is one. You are her husband. You are married. And you don't know why. It is okay to not know stuff...knowing what you don't know is the seat of respect. Guessing harms you, others...causes a lot of pain, too. Many WW's assumed their H's didn't love them anymore, because they didn't feel it.

LA

You have all been very helpful with your comments and advice.
I have a plan of action which I will post in a day or so...I have become very busy looking after children, horses and the house and all that entails!. which partly explains my delays in responses.
First, could you please explain why there needs to be NO CONTACT between BS and WW during Plan B. I have certainly found life less stressful having had virtually no contact with WW for almost a week.

You just answered your own question Nogrom, Plan B is for YOU. It removes you from the chaos swirling around WW. It lets you learn to get along fine without her while bringing reality to your WW. You will go on without her and she will not have your support anymore.

BTW: Good to hear from you. Most of the Equestrian events where I live in the state are done until the spring. Same where you are?

Nagrom,

WTF is right...gives your heart healing time, no fresh injuries...unless you DJ and go to renting space to what WW might or might not be doing/thinking/saying.

Also, you don't know all the ENs you have been meeting for WW...and most likely, she doesn't either. Cutting off all direct contact (third-party intermediary is a must, I believe), protects your remnants of love as well as stops her from getting her fix from you.

Which is why MiM was advising you to not fund her place...change the locks or get a restrictive order she can't move back in...with they had abandonment in the UK...because the one need you will continue to meet in Plan B, given what you've decided, is Financial Security (FS)...not to the same levels as before; nonetheless, rudimentary meeting of an EN.

This isn't manipulation...it's truth in sunlight. Shedding light in a wayward state of mind to see what their choices are truly creating in their lives...and your boundary enforcement to not participate in make believe...getting the husband and the single life at the same time.

Okay, so WTF said it all more succinctly. Dang. Hard act to follow. And she knows horses.

LOL

Striving to find one thing WTF didn't mention...I believe Plan B allows illumination into you seeing where you meet your own ENs and do it well...more self-care and self-love, bringing your focus to where you have control...over yourself.

Many times, a spouse who does most of the stuff...the house, horses, children...can convince themselves that they're only needed to fill voids...in Plan B, you fill in for them well...doing it all...and they realize you were there for them entirely...not taking them for granted or using them as a fill-in. WS come to realize that they, themselves, not their actions, were essential and loved and accepted...as the fog clears...and then they are crashed by their choices, skewed perceptions and self-deception.

Don't know how long...no contact...self-knowledge...and a firm grasp on reality can consume all the time in between you already knowing this and her realizing it...use it, Nagrom.

Use this time to know yourself better, deeper and share yourself more...be O&H with your DD and DS; love up those grandbabies and get both hands around all you have to be grateful for...thrive in your life...keep your focus on your haves, not your have nots.

You can do this. It's nowhere close to over. You are saving your marriage.

Btw, the intermediary cannot be one of the kids or a relative...pick a family friend, a friend of your marriage...they can make all contact through email and filter it for you...raw, basic info...nothing else. Might be just what you must do to break the enmeshment for good...the good of your marriage.

LA

LA,
I had reckoned on DD21 being the intermediary. And nfo could be kept ...basic...raw.
Finding a suitable "mutual" friend may not be easy.
Mobile phone contact.

Please do not put this on your DD21...that's like having a child be the go-between her parents...even at 21.

Do the hard thing and find a friend, even if it's someone who is just your friend.

Mobile phone contact...do you pay for hers? That might be something you consider taking off your plan.

Phone contact is voice...carries our spirit, meets ENs...again, you'll find far more significance in what you do and say without notice...contact is contact.

This is also what Plan B does...gives you an opportunity to see for yourself how impactful you really are...just being you.

How are you doing today?

LA

WTF,
Thanks for your comment...confirms what I felt.

The equestrian centre where we are based has showjumping and Dressage events all year round. I am entering the Dressage event next weekend, though only at Prelim and Novice level.
Then we have a Christmas jumping..etc..show in December.

The Horseball season starts with practicing from January. League matches around the country start in April and end in November.

But DD12 who is a star player in the Cadet Division says she won't continue Horseball next year as she would rather travel around the County entering Showjumping and Eventing events.
My shoulder is playing up badly so I may also have to give up Horseball.
So we will then find out how many shows run through the winter months.

LA,
I am fairly OK thanks. The way I feel much much of the time shows I still have love for W/WW. But I am prepared for whatever happens.

I have not had contact with WW for a week. DD12 and DS18 have not had contact with her for over a week.
DD12 told me yesterday that while I was out riding WW..her mum...rang her and invited her to tea next Sunday.

It is DD21's party at the Victoria Inn on Saturday. WW will be there also.
DD21 also invited WW to the family pre-Christmas dinner she organised next month.
WW will also spend some of Christmas Day with us. After that I want Plan B to commence properly.
At present I have asked WW to have as little contact with me as possible...seems to be taking it seriously.
But there a few loose ends to sort...collecting more possessions..etc.

I do feel that it should be OK for DD21 to act as intermediary....or perhaps her partner. She is very mature for her age.
I can see you do not think it a good idea...and will give it further thought.
I intend to give WW a Plan B letter in a week or so.

Thought I'd mention that WW telephoned me a short while ago. Wanted to collect the chest she had previously said she would take. She has otherwise nearly everything she needs at present, so should not need to make regular visits.
She also wanted to see DD12. DS18 ignored her!. DD12 has gone with her to her flat and will return soon to go and see her pony.
WW sounded a bit out of breath on the phone and a little nervous...but composed when she arrived but looked tired.

On leaving she gave me a hug and let me kiss her cheek. Thats the trouble when I see her. I manage to keep my emotions in check but can't help giving her an extra hug and kiss. A bit unsettling....but I cannot Plan B till after Christmas.