JB,
Again..responding to your comments..
Yes. It has been, and is still not, easy. I feel I have done the right thing for myself and the children in not divorcing WW early in the affair. If the "saga" finally ends in divorce at least I should feel I have done all I can to save the marriage. Another reason for trying to save the marriage was because ...on the face of it...we were a happy family.
I am protecting myself emotionally day to day by having absolutely no direct contact with WW. I am unsure how I would react , or feel, if I come face to face with WW now!.

I am unclear re your final point...protecting myself emotionally should she show a desire to return.
If she did express a wish to try reconciliation...hopefully via the "intermediary", DD22, rather than direct I would need to discuss the matter very carefully with her.
I do not know how I would be emotionally.
Also, I might decide I do not want to reconcile. I loved W so much but WW, at least when I was last with her, had become such a different person.

Nagrom
you share children with your wife ..therefore she will always have some influence in your life. You have read many books so I assume that you know that.
her behavior sounds very abberant so she probably will have "problems" and come looking for help. are you ready to make an assessment of you and see how you can move on with your life.
on the face of it no decent woman would ask you to remain "friends" with her after treating you this badly
i counsel pro help... and a support group of good people with healthy lifestyles..ps
i envy you the horses .. great exercise
all the best
jb

JB,
Just "thinking aloud" in response to your last post.
Although I suppose I am sort of in limbo, I am also at present in a comparative stable situation...though still with an uncertain future.
WW "abandoned" the children for her lover(s) about 15 months ago.
So my wife's "share" of the children is currently minimal. But I agree that due to the children she may also have some influence over my life..

Legal advice is that WW cannot divorce me for another 4 years...unless I agree. Whether she would instigate divorce and financial settlements now if she could, I have no idea.

As you say, her behaviour appears aberrant...but is it more so than with many others discussed on MB?.
She knows I consider her behaviour revolting and disgusting...and completely out of character.

I do not see there is much more I can do now than enjoy being close to my 4 children and 2 grandchildren.
The horses take much of my time...very therapeutic.
So..just waiting to see what happens.

nagrom
I am coming from a US law point of view.. in US generally the only thing a wife can do to lose custody of minor kids is to be convicted of a felony.. But if you are getting legal advice already..u are on that.. my concern is that your wife suddenly comes to her senses.. and wants to rceoncile.. do you know what kind of person you are dealing with??? I dont want to belabour this.. and since u seem resistant to getting a psych input.. so be it..its just that
women are capable of "anything" they aint sweet little flowers any more.. and yea I know .. they never were
jb

JB,
The children are of such an age that the matter of custody has been of little concern to me...DS25, DD22 with her children, DS19 and DD13.
DD13...nearing 14....is happy with me, though unhappy her mother left. She often contacts her mother who lives nearby.. In fact she 'phoned her mother yesterday evening at 7.30 to spend the evening with her. WW apparently said yes, but DD13 returned about 8.00 to say WW was tired and was going to bed as at work early next day. I am sure DD was disapointed but didn't show it.
WW has only one bedroom in her appartment so cannot really have DD13 to live with her. DD has stayed overnight a couple of times...sharing her bed.
If my wife showed a wish to reconcile I will not know how I will react until it occurs.....it's been so long since I have seen or spoken to her.
I do not feel there is any point in counselling for me at present. Could be a consideration if reconciliation happens.
As you say, I do not know what sort of person I would be dealing with....the affair seemed to have completely changed her personality.
Thanks for your interest in my situation and your suggestions.

Nagrom hello,

I've been lurking for a long time and have read all your posts. Since we are of similar ages and I've just been managing my small estate to avoid death duties a thought occurred to me.

Could you gift your estate to your children now to avoid your ww benefitting in the event of a divorce?

just a thought

p32,
Thanks for that suggestion. Something that has never occurred to me. I do intend to make a new Will to ensure all of MY property, investments..etc.. go to my children, but that of course does not prevent WW, in the event of a divorce, having whatever share she is legally entitled to.

Are you able to elaborate further on this matter?.

An afterthought. Unfortunately my property is in joint names with my WW....so that would prevent the gifting idea.
Though my cash investments are in my name only...the interest from these being an essential part of my income.

Hi Nagrom

"Are you able to elaborate further on this matter?"

I was UK resident but am now french resident so my understanding of the UK situation is probably not current.

However, the general principal is that if parents give their wealth to their children prior to their death the taxes paid on death tend to be lower.

I think death duties start to bite at around 600k pounds. So if, for example, you give your house to your children now and you rent it back from them and survive for 7 years there is no duty payable on that gift.

Your children would be liable for income tax on the rent so you would need to run the numbers.


"An afterthought. Unfortunately my property is in joint names with my WW....so that would prevent the gifting idea."

I think you need to distinguish carefully between joint property and what authority each spouse has over disposal or assets or expenditure.

You are not in a divorce situation yet, your wife has simply abandoned the family leaving you in charge. You retain the responsibility for managing family assets wisely.

I think the idea needs exploring with an out of town lawyer.

Your WW could not easily disapprove of giving assets to her own children could she?

Unless she was an unfit mother.

Thanks p32,
Interesting and worth investigating.

Nagrom,

I'm wondering about your journey...will you share some of your thoughts, what you thought about marriage pre-A and now?

LA

LA,
I noticed you had been helping others who are in earlier stages of infidelity. Wheras I am in the "doldrums" waiting to see what see happens and getting on with life as best as I can, so there is probably not very much anyone can say.

I had thought of posting some thoughts..thank you for your note...I will try and answer it..

LA,
Still thinking about an answer to your post.
Meanwhile...a comment requiring no response...it is WW's 50th birthday this weekend. I did not need to remind my DD's...they both mentioned it and are buying presents. I wonder if the 2 sons will remember.
Anyway, W put on a surprise party for my 50th..20 years ago...I am sad I will not be with her for hers.

I am sad for you as well but disgusted with your wife. Stay positive my friend.

Bp,
Thanks for those words.

Still your post to answer LA!!.
But, meanwhile. Yesterday, DD13 popped to see her mum (WW)..and found she wasn't there...nor her car. She wanted to give her a card and wish her Happy Birthday. DD returned obviously very disappointed.
I rode my horse past there later..one of my routes to the fores where I was heading...and noticed her car was back.
DD13 telephoned her mum this evening to try and wish her Happy Birthday and came back to tell me that mum was in Majorca with her boyfriend (OM2...the one she moved on to in September 2006 after OM1 dumped her).
I have no idea how the conversation went between WW and DD, though DD did not seem too much put out about it.
Not sure there is much more to say really!!.

As Bryanp says..."stay positive". I am trying to be..and partly succeeding!. As time goes by I do feel that reconciliation becomes more and more unlikely...although I have noticed it stated by at least one "authority" that most spouses return within 5 years...whether that's true or not, anything could happen?.

Anyway, from a positive (and practical) point of view I need to continue my energies to the remaing members of my family...especially DD13.
I also intend to continue as I am for another 4 years (at least) as WW should not be able to divorce me within that timescale. I know there is no point, and could be self destructive, in moping over someone who says, and shows, they are "no longer in love with you" But I feel I will never be truly happy without W.

LA,
I often think of things to say but forget when it comes to typing!.
Re your question....I have always, and still am, in favour of marriage rather than simply partnering. I recall W felt strongly about this in the same way.
I consider it theoretically shows a commitment to the relationship and should provide a secure family unit for the children. My views remain unchanged.

As I inferred earlier, this weekend has been a little difficult for me as I do still have feelings for W. Am sad we were not still together for her 50th birthday...and this was made worse for me when DD13 told me she had found out WW had gone to Majorca with OM2.

I can understand there is little more anyone can say re the present state of my situation, until anything alters, legal problems etc.
I do see little chance of reconciliation though...WW had made a "statement" about our marriage back in May 2006 by destroying our 25th anniversary cards as they arrived..and removing her wedding ring. I feel her going to Majorca with affair partner OM2 to presumably celebrate her 50th birthday was another "statement" aimed at her marriage.
When DD13 contacted on her Birthday WW told her she was on her way to Majorca with her boyfriend M... She need only have told DD that she was going away for a few days!.
The fact she moved on to OM2 14 months ago (and is the affair with OM1 truly over?) bodes ill for reconciliation. I was well aware this sort of thing might happen.

I think of Bryanp's keywords.."stay positive"...intend to try and do just that and continue as referred to in my previous post.
Unfortunately I am bound to have "indirect contact" with WW through DD13. I do not question DD about WW, nor feel I should prevent her telling me anything she wants to.

""The fact she moved on to OM2 14 months ago (and is the affair with OM1 truly over?) bodes ill for reconciliation.""

Nagrom I agree and even from your own saintly point of view there can be little hope of reconciliation.

Please think about my earlier suggestion.

A man who goes after a 50 year old married woman is probably looking more at her financial value than easy SF.

By lowering her value OMs will lose interest.

Yes, p32, your remarks do prompt to investigate your previous suggestion.
I also am suspicious of the OM's motives. What you say about his motives could well be true...from the financial point of view he has much to gain.
I would add that I am nearly 70...going on about 50. WW is 50...going on about 30. So she is not a bad catch and quite attractive. I have never seen this OM (one of the circle of customers and "friends" at OM1's pub), probably early 40's, but do know his father...waddles along, overweight and pompous!. From what I have heard OM2 has resemblances.