I posted some time ago explaining how I was abandoned by my H of more than 10 years in the middle of my pregnancy for a young OW. I had almost no contact with H for 5 months. When the baby was born, H suddenly apeared and started showing great interest in helping me out. I accepted the offer and for some days we functioned like a happy family. Since H goes soon for a long bussiness trip to the country where OW lives, I asked H about his affair and he said that he does not have an affair, but is in a new relationship. This news brought me down again. After, I decided to act as if OW does not exist, did not ask anymore about H's plans and just accepted his idea that he moves home for a couple of days to help with the baby. Since he goes away soon, I wander what should I do now. Shall I still behave as if it does not actually bother me that he will be with OW or shall I ask him about his future plans in regard to our relationship? H does not mention D again, he is nice and cordial towards me, feels very comfortable at home, but does not show an emotional interest in me. I am very easy going, do not demand anything from him, give him space, etc. However, keeping this attitude is very hard knowing that OW is still in the picture. My fear is that H might just feel less guilty by helping me out now and maybe even plans to have two relationships going at the same time. <P>The big change in H's behavious is that he has lost his agner towards me and is less obviously in love. He feels very relaxed and not anxious as he used to be. I interpret this that he might feel very secure in his new relationship or he had lost some of desire for OW. In sum, I do not know if this change in behavious is a sign of optimism, which means that I should hang on our marriage a little longer. I feel so tired of the rolercoaster ride I have been on in the last 5 months. It was a nightmare going through pregnancy alone: at first, I barely functioned and later I regained my energy and was able to function quite well on my own. Now, I fear that I will fall back into drama if I allow H to come and go as he pleases.<P>Tara<BR>

Congratulations on the new baby. I don't really know what to say except if he won't say anything about the OW and is in a new relationship (with her,another woman, or you?) you might explain plan b to him and tell him you aren't ready for him to move back into help with the baby unless he is redy to give up any OWs. You could also wait till he comes back from his trip and see how he acts. If you still feel that he is involved with someone else do plan B. You are functing on your own, you are strong enough to do this and it would stop the rollercoaster ride. Explain that you don't want a divorce but you want to be sure why he wants to come home and he can only if he has completely given up the OW. I hope everything works out keep posting.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Tara99,<P>I'd give your husband a couple months more of Plan A (no lovebusters, good interactions), and see how it goes. Then you're feeling too fed up, it'll be time to institute the Plan B separation. And the longer that you can give your husband a "happy family environment", the harder plan B will hit him should you need to do it. But don't hang in this "revolving door" situation too long---institute plan B when YOU need to.

Thanks for the kind replies. I have been in a modified plan B from almost the begining of our separation, which means that I never called H, but if he called, I acted distant, but cordial. Of course, I made some mistakes like giving H books to read on infidelity or asking him what is going on with his affair. The hardest part of the separation was the last month of my pregnancy when H disappeared again to stay in OW's country. I felt so alone at that time and then at some point really collected myself and started functioning quite well. I have a large support group of friends who help me out when needed. I also developed new friendships, made new career plans and even got a long distance admirer, who sends me enchanting e-mails. Being on my own is hard, but, I must admit that dealing with an angry H was even harded.<P>The problem with H now is that he does not initiate any talk about what he had done, has not shown any remorse or has proposed to work on our marriage. He just behaves as if at the moment we are family. Today, for example, we got a bussiness offer to do a joint project in the future. I responded to it with caution, since I did not want to make the impression to the H that I count on us being a couple, but he behaved as if it is normal that we will make joint negotiations. <P>A couple of months ago H was telling mutual friends that he had found true love for which he is willing to sacrifice everything. Even if the relationship does not work, he wanted to abandon all we had together, up to leaving almost all property to me. It took me a long time to accept the fact that H loves so deeply someone else, thus I do not want to fool myself that he had suddenly changed his opinion. I do hope though that the OW might feel quite uncomfortable by the idea that we have a new baby and that H is involved in his care.<P>In the next 3 months, H will be for 2 months in the country where OW lives. I am thus thinking to wait what happens in this time and then make a decision about D. I assume that at this time I will somehow alternate between plan A and B. My idea is to be nice and cordial while H is at home and not to initiate contact when he is away.<P>Tara <BR>

Thanks for the kind replies. I have been in a modified plan B from almost the begining of our separation, which means that I never called H, but if he called, I acted distant, but cordial. Of course, I made some mistakes like giving H books to read on infidelity or asking him what is going on with his affair. The hardest part of the separation was the last month of my pregnancy when H disappeared again to stay in OW's country. I felt so alone at that time and then at some point really collected myself and started functioning quite well. I have a large support group of friends who help me out when needed. I also developed new friendships, made new career plans and even got a long distance admirer, who sends me enchanting e-mails. Being on my own is hard, but, I must admit that dealing with an angry H was even harded.<P>The problem with H now is that he does not initiate any talk about what he had done, has not shown any remorse or has proposed to work on our marriage. He just behaves as if at the moment we are family. Today, for example, we got a bussiness offer to do a joint project in the future. I responded to it with caution, since I did not want to make the impression to the H that I count on us being a couple, but he behaved as if it is normal that we will make joint negotiations. <P>A couple of months ago H was telling mutual friends that he had found true love for which he is willing to sacrifice everything. Even if the relationship does not work, he wanted to abandon all we had together, up to leaving almost all property to me. It took me a long time to accept the fact that H loves so deeply someone else, thus I do not want to fool myself that he had suddenly changed his opinion. I do hope though that the OW might feel quite uncomfortable by the idea that we have a new baby and that H is involved in his care.<P>In the next 3 months, H will be for 2 months in the country where OW lives. I am thus thinking to wait what happens in this time and then make a decision about D. I assume that at this time I will somehow alternate between plan A and B. My idea is to be nice and cordial while H is at home and not to initiate contact when he is away.<P>Tara <BR>