Not wishing to avoid explaining the history but i am trying to avoid making a lengthy email longer i'll cut to the chase.
I was unfaithful, as a result i've broken my wife, i have acknowledged within myself that my selfishness has done irreporable damage to my wife.
Together we are trying to put things right, trying to recover but most of this is centred on me, why i did this and on us, what was wrong, how do we put it right? how we make our marriage better.
But what about her.
I am more open and honest, i try harder with the house work, i make more input, i am more affectionate. I want to make her happy.
I do have a stumbling block, in that all these things are making our marriage better, but i need to help make her better.

She wants me to lead but i dont know where to start.
She doesnt know what she wants, how she feels.
How do i help her find out?
She posts alot on this site, but supports other people gives them advice, but doesnt sop to think about her.
She reads about how to understand me, what to do about us, but what can we do to help her?

I suppose what i am asking for is for any BS's and in particular wives, to explain their own understanding of their feelings, how they felt, what they thought, the things that helped, what they did to help them "know" so that i can try and support my wife, to help to repair her.
Please help.

You cannot do this she has to do it you can't "make someone better or heal someone" they have to do it on their own. It takes time, your patience and understanding, radical honesty, and a stong committment to fixing you and finding out what was in you that allowed you to make the choices you did.

Good Luck!

You made it to GQ...hope Star sees this...

Where are you on your wife wanting to separate?

How many times have you been unfaithful? How long did your A(s) last?

How long married?

Children?

You sound committed and dispirited, too...have you guys gotten MC (marital counseling)? Have you read Dr. Harley's books? Fall in Love, Stay in Love? HNHN and Surviving an Affair?

These will give you ideas on how to lead...and yes, Eagle is right on...you aren't fixing your broken wife...you are rebuilding a great marriage...important difference. You do your part (and making amends, finding out why you cheated, what you know about you, are really important to your part); and she has her part.

Have you been reading the articles here?

I believe you posting (and the third try is the charm) is another step you're taking.

How about accountability? Have you and your BW agreed on FOW sitings? Say you do see her in passing...do you immediately call your wife? How did you hide your A? Usually those are the ways to unhide yourself...earn trust from your wife and yourself.

I see a couple of Disrespectful Judgments (DJs) in your post...these will create resentment in you, add to your emotions of frustration, and will in no way aid you on your road to redemption and recovery.

Please don't go around your BW's feelings, asking for guesses...her feelings, thoughts and beliefs are her own...don't guess, mindread or assume. Only she knows them...what you do, you do for the marriage and yourself...truly, you both are separate people...you are responsible for what is yours (and you hideously damaged yourself by choosing an A), and for your half of the marriage. Takes time and commitment to re-establish trust...I can tell you that being betrayed feels like being erased from life...smeared and disgustingly thrown aside...unloved and defective.

Tell her why you use fantasy to escape reality...tell her how you value, love and respect her...tell her your own vulnerabilities...your fears, pain and anger...find out why you give yourself to create resentment in yourself...being open and honest will benefit you and the marriage.

LA

Monkeyboy,
It does my heart so good to see a FWH here. I am a current BW and I can only speak for what I think I would need if my WH wanted to reconcile. (By the way, I have no idea who your BW is on this forum, so this is only based on what I would need).

The fact that you are trying to figure out the whys of the A would be very comforting to me. One of the things I struggle with, is the powerlessness. I don't know why the A happened, what I could have done differently, so that makes me feel very vulnerable. If I don't know the why, then I am a sitting duck for it to happen again. So, you trying to learn the why is very important IMO.

Secondly, I would need my WH to be empathetic to how vulnerable I feel. That the person who was supposed to protect me, caused such pain. It would take awhile to let down my guard and surrender to the marriage. Knowing that my WH lied to me so easily, "I'm working late baby" when he was actually at OW's, that has been one of the most shocking things to me. The fact that he could crawl out of OW's bed and come home and get into bed with me - WOW. It really does make me question my sanity. How could I have not known? How far up my butt was MY head?

So, as a BS, my main hurdles are my feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability.

I am also a FWW. As a FWW, the main things that I tried to accomplish was making sure I knew why the A happened, taking responsibility for it and making that info available to my BH. Letting him know that it won't happen again because I don't want to be that person. Also, making myself an open book. Phone calls, computer history, time accountability, nothing BH asked for would have been offensive to me.

It is so nice to see a FWH, I wish it were my WH that were posting. Good Luck to you and your family.

That last line is something you need to be very careful with. You are the betrayer. She is the victim. Not you. I say that as a simple fact. So, due to her being a victim and you being the perp. it is very logical that her focus is going to be the how, what, when, where and why of you. If she has chosen to stay and recover, then she wants all the reassurance she can muster from you that you will not do this again. So the focus for you needs to be on you. She needs to stop LBs, if she is doing them. I will cover a good way how in a second.


These are all good things. Look at the 10 needs. If she will talk to you about it, sit down and discuss these needs. Have her rank them using the questionnaire available on this site. Use that information and focus on the top 5 needs. You may find that you are cleaning the house more... but domestic support is her #9 need. Meeting ENs is you very important key.


SHE needs to make herself better. SHE will do that, if she is willing and capable, when you have a history of honesty, protection, meeting ENs, stopping LBs and so on.

Notice I said history... meaning you might be doing all these great and wonderful things for a while before she comes around. She needs that history.


I learned this the hard way. Her is a tip for you. get the books people talk about here. SAA, HNHN and others from the bookstore here and read them. Read the articles like PORH, POJA and all the others found on this site. Get the Harley workbook and use it. Then apply it. Use this information and apply it to your life. You will lead by example. remove ALL LBs and work on filling ENs and once you have this history of doing these things, then she should reasonably come around. Leading is you taking the first step. Leading is you setting a night to talk with her about all these things once a week, and sticking to it. Leading is changing the things about you that allowed an affair, and then showing with actions how you have changed these things. From all that, it is reasonable to assume that if she truly wants to be a part of recovery, then she will follow your lead.


the information I listed above is how. the books. the articles. the discussions between you and her. the good discussions. tha bad discussions. And be willing to do it. She will sense if you are willing and if you are not, it will further anger her. Why? Because YOU are the one who did this and if YOU are the one who really wants to fix this, then YOU will be WILLING to discuss openly and honestly the hurt you caused, validating her feelings and empathizing with her extreme pain.


You could get her to think about her during these discussions. Ask her opinion. Ask her what she thinks about these principles. Ask. Not "Why don't you ever do ...." but "How do you feel about..." Make sense?




You can lead by example. You can control you and provide her with the safety, protection and transparency she needs to become comfortable with you again. If truth, she will need to think about herself in all this, but you can't coerce her into it. She has to get there when she is ready.

Hi MB5,

Welcome to MB. Great to see posts from FWS. Thanks LA for the kudos.

Since we don't know when D-day was and length, but my impression is it happened recently. Here's my take:

Your W needs to process the A on her terms and own way. Like you, she is experiencing "stumbling blocks" not knowing which direction to go. Even if she tells you she want you to lead, she doesn't know. Part of her (like most of US WOMEN) wants you to read her mind because in "HER MIND" you SHOULD know her better = her likes and dislikes, especially now. BUT we ALL know that this is a lose-lose situation. BUT it happens between the sexes.


Reread above.
Instead of asking her directly because you already know that hasn't worked, CHANGE your approach.

1) You already know little things that your W likes even b/4 the A. Start doing them! Don't ask if she would like you to do them. Just do them! Part of the female brain is that we don't want to have to tell our H repeatedly what we like and don't like. It turns us into your mothers! And in turn, you'd view us as nags! In other words, what can you remember that she used to enjoy? Start the replay button in your head down memory lane.

2) Don't overwhelm her w/questions? If you start to notice her getting quiet, stop. Don't push. This is the time to ask her this question: "Would you prefer that I left you alone?" Notice I used the word "PREFER?" It conveys a "softer" approach from "Do you want me to leave you alone?" If she says yes, respect it and don't ask. At this point, if it's not in the middle of the night, say, "All right. Why don't I leave so that you have the place all to yourself. I'll go do that errand at....I'll leave my cell phone on if you need to reach me." Then remind her that you love her very much.

What this also does is that you are subtly offering her the "choice" whether or not she may want you to stay. If she says, "you don't have to leave", it's our (female) way of letting you know that even if we're mad, we don't want you to leave. If she does this, plop yourself next to her and hold her hand. This can serve as a lithmus test whether or not she wants you to touch her. If she doesn't pull her hand away, ASK her if it's okay give her a hug. Notice I said "ASK?"

If you just dive into a hug, she may "think" you're trying to initiate sex which she may NOT be ready for. If she says it's OK, then give her that hug and just hold her. At this point, that's all she may want = just to be held. To most of us women, it provides reassurance. Then BE QUIET. Don't bring up anything about the A. She needs to be the ONE asking the questions. And she needs to be the ONE to make the CHOICE if and when she is ready.


UNTIL your W DECIDES she WANTS the marriage, nothing you do or say will help. Once she decides that she WANTS the M, her next step will be the HOW?

So at this point, it IS fair and justified for you to ASK her if SHE still wants you or the M. IT IS her right to decide. AND THIS IS the RISK WS take when they gamble their M in an A. If she tells you "I DON'T KNOW", accept it. The good news is, the answer still means yes to the M. Don't press/push her.

So IF you haven't ASKED her that yet, NOW's the time. Until then, you're like a chicken with his head cut off in a fire drill not knowing where and which way to turn.

Good luck
Stargazelily

I, too, have been broken. Here's how my H has helped put me back together.

It's hard to summarize everything he's done over the past year. Since D-day, he's been 100% remorseful and 100% willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy again. He tells me his number 1 priority in life is me now. He's been willing to answer all of my questions with humility. He's gotten defensive at times and that doesn't do me any good. Be patient with your wife's questions. I ask him something every few days but not a gazillion questions like I used to shortly after d-day.

He's shown me he's different by sharing his feelings with me. If you tell her about how you feel about the affair she'll be more likely to warm up to you. In a sadistic kind of way, it helps to know this has also hurt him a great deal. It's hurt me, but it's also hurt him. It helps to know I'm not in this alone. He's right beside me trying to recover, too.

I hope this little snippet of info helps.

I didn't give up on my H when he was in his fog having the affair...and now my H isn't giving up on me.

Oh, OTC...

This is gorgeous!

"I didn't give up on my H when he was in his fog having the affair...and now my H isn't giving up on me."

LA

LA-
I think the hopeless romantic is still in me somewhere:) It peeks out every now and then.

Well, long live your beautiful romantic! It has a head on its heart.

Oh, geez...

Okay...I just ran over to another thread and quoted you. Prepare to duck, if necessary.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for sharing!!

LA

OTC & LA-

I'm very happy for both of you.

For me, it's only been less than 4 months since D-day (2/1/06) and my FWH priority has been our M and me; happily recovering since Easter.

One thing is certain: Affairs will either break or make the marriage stronger. It's been the latter for us. Admittedly, we still go through a few bumps. BUT, we're finding new ways of communicating with and developing ways of approaching each other. Individually, we're also finding new things about ourselves.

I often advocated when I post replies that an A can serve as an "opportunity" for the BS and WS to LEARN. It's part of life's purpose to teach us. And it's up to each individual to see the lesson behind it, accept it, and try to learn from it. This is a CHOICE that is, unfortunately, often missed. If one CHOOSES to not see and accept it or learn from it, they will "eventually" learn it from/with someone else.

Here's a toast to happy, healthy M!

Star