WH and I just met with a divorce mediator. My counslor recommended it as a more "family oriented" and economical way to go through the divorce process. I am a little skeptical, and don't want to make any mistakes. Can anyone offer their experiences?

Thanks-
TS

Sorry, I forgot to add our history.....

me BS (32)
WH (32)
OW (married 2 yrs..no kids...H left her after exposure)
2 dd (2 and 4 years)
married 9 yrs, together 13 years
WH affair Aug 05- ongoing
1DDay Nov 3,2005, 2nd DDay Mar 2006, 3rd Day May2, 2006
Plan B May2, 2006-asked WH to separate...he STILL doesn't know what he wants....moved in with OW

Yes, and I highly recommend it.
We were not able to resolve the divorce through mediation, the mediator said that if one party was not willing to compromise, then mediation would not work. After 2-3 sessions, she saw that my X was not willing to compromise and said she couldn't do it.
So, why do I recommend one? Because I think she showed she was ethical. The costs are far cheaper, and you can resolve alot of your issues in mediation, and then if necessary go to court for the difficult issues. However, if you are dealing with a "power over" spouse, mediation won't work. But in most cases it will.
We have since used a mediator to resolve post divorce issues (and this second mediator says the same thing about X). But we were able to get some things clarified in writing.

A friend was able to sit down with her X to hash out their divorce. If you are unable to do that, a mediator can really help you through the process. You'll likely be given guidelines and forms to fill out to speed up the process and get everything on the table. Be proactive in your own divorce and you will save both time and money. Ie. write down what you want and on what and what not you are willing to compromise. Use the divorce books to help you identify your needs/desires through the process.
Most mediators in my area are lawyers (but without separate practices) so in effect, you are paying for only one attorney, rather than two.
Some people also like to have their own individual lawyers review the mediated agreement.

Your daughters are young, the same ages as mine when we went to see the mediator. Make sure you have a good idea of parenting time laws and norms in your state, so that you can present a fair proposal. Also understand that the mediated agreement may include some flexibility for reviewing parenting time as the girls get older.
My state provides one hour of free mediation to get the parties to try to resolve custody (parenting time) outside the court system. My X refused my generous offer, and got less than I was willing to give him. Use the resources offered to help you through this process.
The book Mom's house/dad's house can be very helpful here.

Also, there are great divorce support groups out there, for you and the girls. There are children's groups through www.rainbows.org and through www.divorcecare.org.
The children mourn the loss of the family through all stages of the divorce and after, and it is our job as parents to minimize the emotional impact on the kids. My younger daughter remembers nothing, and my older daughter - a sensitive type - is affected on a daily basis.

I hope this was helpful. I just reread your profile: If you are not dead set on divorce, the mediator can help you draft a legal settlement (some states recognize these) to help you throught he limbo time when your H doesn't know what he wants. This can set up child and spousal support, and get in writing who pays for what, so there are no games played (like withholding money).

No, but in a few months, I will have experience.

My friend used a mediator and everything worked out OK. She got the custody she wanted, alimony and child support and ended up with a fair property settlement.

I have a lawyer and I am not using nor tried a mediator, but I have a controlling ex. He thinks that I am entitled to nothing that he earned all the money and he should keep everything.

My custody situation was a fight be battled it for months and then finally gave in. After all that is exercising hardly any visitation after he fought for it. I got what I wanted because I had my attorney saying No we are not going to agree to that and my ex gave in. I know a mediator will suggest compromise - which I feel would have been a good thing, but I was not going to compromise with custody. This was my decision.

When you go I would have a feeling of what you want and what you will settle for. Be ready to give and take. Decide what is most important - my issue was custody I did not want a 50/50 split which is what I see a lot of the time.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the feedback. I am just not sure if this is the best route for me. He is the one who had an affair, he is the one not willing to end it(the affair, not the marriage), but he gets mad just at the thought of me contacting a lawyer, and for THAT reason I am nervous and feel like I do need a lawyer to protect me and my interests. He knows the kids are the most important thing to me, and I fear he will use that as leaverage against me. It just seems the mediation process takes so long,(they approximated 6months) and I don't know that it is any less money (approx. $5000).

We don't have alot of assests other than the house, we mostly have debt. Its going to be dividing the debt....

He is currently lining with the OW, and sooo deep in the fog, I am nervous what the outcome will be in 6 months. OW's husband left her becasue of this affair, although my WH says it was "other probelms in the marriage" but I feel like she knows the divorce process better and she is the one indulging him, you need to do whats best for you, blah blah blah. Yeah, the heck with your wife and kids....

She has such a pull on him, I just want to get this done and fast, while we still agree to things.

I honestly believe the mediator would be faster than using lawyers, because some just drag it out. Costs vary based on location and what is competitive.
If you husband is not a controlling type and reallydoes want to settle this amicably, I'd still recommend mediation.
The 50/50 custody Deanik referred to is becoming talked about as the norm in some states (including mine) vs. the old standard where dad had every other weekend and one weeknight overnight.
Many who leave fight for custody (now called parenting time) to minimize child support payments, then like deanik said, they don't actually utilize their parenting time, they just do it for the money aspect - and not do what is right for the kids.

There are alot of resources for your reference. Do as much as you can by yourself and you will learn what you really want. Sole custody is hardly ever given, and you will learn to appreciate your "time off" from the kids - at whatever arrangement you decide.

Good luck.

I agree with what was said. If you can do it amicably then I would use a mediator - probably quicker and less costly. Mine is not settled yet and it has been a year. But we did not press it for awhile.

Depending on your state - if you are in a community property state - then everything is split pretty much 50/50 debts and assets.

Alimony is given - depending on state - if the marriage is considered a long term marriage (usually 10 years) you will get it permanetly if less than you may get temp. if you are not working or have been a stay at home mom - that is my situation - I am looking for work currently, but have not worked in a couple of years.

Child support is based - depending on state - income difference of both parents plus a factor for the time spent with each parent. In some states daycare may be an add on, other states it is factored in.

Custody. I would really think this one through. The norm that states are going to is 50/50. Some of the time I think this works out well. But personally I am not for it. My own opinion. I think it is difficult for children to have to move between two homes all the time. I preferred to have me as the base home and have the children visit the other one. I know this is not fair for the other parent. But I just felt children would adjust better if they were grounded in one place. On a really side note...if you ever want to move down the line or meet a great person who lives in another area it will be much harder with a 50/50 split.

I agree sole custody is almost never given anymore except in rare situations.

I wish we could have done mediation, but.....it would not have worked.

Called my ex the other day about unpaid Dr bill - kind of large and his comment what do you want from me. I am thinking 1/2 of the bill. He says all you want is my money. I get this all the time over everything and what is kind of funny is a lot of the expenses we should be splitting I just pay for in full because it is easier so he actually is not paying everything he should be.

Sorry to babble...just had a bad few days. Looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks again for the feedback. I guess I do need to keep researching. We agree to visitation 1 or 2 nights a week and every other weekend. That's why I want to just get it done with.

He has actually become a better father as we have started this temporary visitation as part of our separation. He never seemed to have the time, patience, or desire to spend time with them, and whenever he did, he was " just helping me out". NOW, he has dedicated time to spend QUALITY time with them, even if it is only a couple hours a week. THey have a much better relationship with him, and he appriciates the time with them. It has helped me to be confident in my decision to divorce, and not "stay together for the kids". ANd, yes, I do value the time he has them. I never had that before as part of my marriage.

thanks again- can anyone post any links to resources, specifcally for Pennsylvania?

TS

Greengables may know the PA rules.
I'm in NJ and wonder if Deannek is too since her advice is consisten with what I've heard. And hers is dragging out too. Mine took 18 months from formal filing to finish.
Again, get some books (even at the library).
Mom's house/Dad's house is a great one.
I created a spreadsheet for NJ to determine CS & alimony based on parenting time and salary and have sent this to other MBers. NJ states that for one child, it is assumed that 18% of the parent's combined salary goes to support the child, and for 2 kids it is 25%.

You sound logical and thoughtful about the process. And you don't sound angry, just resigned. My point, you are starting off in a better place than many of us, and that should serve you well through the divorce process. Fair, not vindictive is appreciated by the system.

My X is a far better father now than he was, but he will never be the father I want for my kids. And they get it too.

IMO, the best way to go, if available in your area...is to be represented by 2 separate family law attys who have had mediation training. One or two sessions with the 4 of you might do the trick.

WH and I had mediation a few weeks ago, and it was great. The mediator was a well-seasoned divorce lawyer, but he was so down to earth. Make sure that your mediator does caucus style mediation. That's where you and the other person are in separate rooms, and the mediator goes back and forth. It's a lot less contentious this way. I was so scared that it was going to be us and our lawyers sitting across from each other at a conference table with the lawyers screaming at each other. As it was, I didn't have to say ONE WORD to WH the entire time. I just made sure I looked really, really good and didn't even look at him.

When we did it, it took 3.5 hours. The only downside was that both our lawyers were there, too. So I have to pay my attorney $150 for small talk and chit chat while we were waiting for the mediator to come back! Oh well... at least we got a settlement we can live with.

yea, right. . . . how about another point of view. . .

X said she wanted mediation. . . we went to mediation. . . and then when her lawyer saw the agreement prior to court, and believed all the stories that she made up. . . she changed the agreement all around. . . to the standard crap for dads. . ..

a woman at work whose the father of her child is in jail most of the time, and doesn't pay any child support, because of being in jail. . but the state still piles up the bills. . . and shen she started dating a divorced man with an XW who loves the court system slanted towards women, she couldn't believe the amount of crap the XH's have to put up with from legalese selfish women. . .

wiftty

I highly recommend a mediator to avoid the high cost of a lengthy litigation. However, both parties must have the mindset that they want to negotiate and resolve the divorce. If one won't compromise or is intent on crushing the other or looking for vindication, then it won't work. The mediator won't take sides and justify either side's complaints.

Mediation didn't work for me because my ex thought she owned the children. She also carried a lot of racist and bigotted views towards my culture that slowly leaked whenever she opened her mouth.

The mediator was very good, and things could have been settled amicably, but my ex put a stake in the ground and wouldn't budge from it.

It's now 18 months since we quit mediation. We were divorced 1 year after mediation. However, our financials still haven't been sorted out because my ex is seeking permanent alimony, I lost my job recently, everyone is in therapy, the children were alienated from me by my ex, and our bank accounts have been depleted.

I suggest that it be made clear at the start of mediation which issues must be resolved and stay focussed on them. Don't revert to marital bickering.

Good luck...


bio - married 1991, filed divorce Jun 2004, divorced Nov 2005, 2 pre-teens, ex doesn't want resolution just wants to fight..... sigh

Skesh, I was going to suggest mediation to you here. There's a great mediator, Anju, who heads the state mediation group. She's in Somerville, and she happens to be Indian and also in a mixed race marriage. She headed the parent group of the kids support group, Rainbows, for a time.

I really believe in mediation and hope more people will try it. It's sad when one person uses the kids as weapons, and that's typically where mediation can't find a middle ground.

newly....


Please provide the phone number for the mediator that you mentioned (Anju). I contacted the Rainbow support group over a year ago but didn't receive any replies.

It's never too late for mediation, so I'll propose it.

thanks....

skesh
Check out her website: http://www.dwdmediation.org/
I didn't use her as a mediator, but got a good feeling that she is a fair person. (Which was confirmed by a mediator I used. With an MBA also, she's well versed in the financial side. And she has multiple offices.
MB is not typically the place for advertisements, and this is not one, just passing along a really good resource.