needing,

Keep your head up. Things can be worse then they are but they can certainly be better.

I am going through a tough time now too but do you know what I feel good about myself.

I am no longer going to let the health of our relationship have such an overwhelming effect on my happiness.

I have a lot to be happy about and this is just one part of my life.
So far the score in my life is hundreds of good things and one bad thing.

Right now if the bad turns around great if not great. I have truly done my best. I can no longer let her stand on my feet while we are dancing. She needs to get off of them and learn the steps herself. She is certainly old enough to do that now.

I am going to dance regardless. I like shaking my money maker and it is a lot easier if I am dancing with someone instead of them standing on the wall watching.

Go out and dance.

Needing, where did all your patience go? Peace, lady. Relax a little and let things happen naturally. You can't force this to move any faster. Here is a great thread Ark set up discussing just that. I think it may be helpful to you.

Ark's "Be Still" Thread


You probably pushed a little too much today. Hubby was having a bad time at work and it wasn't the right time to add to the stress. It would have been the wrong tact even if you weren't dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. You could have sympathized with him and given him something to look forward to when he got off work. Perhaps you could have planned having his favorite dinner tonight or something. You could have brought him a cold one in a refrigerated mug to where he’s sitting in his favorite chair, or whatever. It was an opportunity to bring him closer; now there’s some relationship talk standing between you this evening.

Okay. 2X4 over. All is not lost. You can get home with him and tell him you’re sorry for not seeing where he was this morning. Pat him on the shoulder, smile at him, and then bring him the cold one, ask what he’d like to do this evening, etc., etc. I think if you drop the relationship issues for tonight, you’ll be money ahead in the long run.

Hang in there, Needing. Patience, lady…patience.

You are exactly right, Hubbie's stepping on my toes, and I can't allow that! he is only one part of my life. I have my two kids, work (which is great), hobbies, etc. I loved the way you put it! I have my health and thanks to AD's, my mental health! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I've got good friends (my MBer's), family and lots and lots of support! H could be displacing his anger from work onto me for all I know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm not sure who it was that wrote "Who would you be if you weren't married and on your own?" Now, I get it!

Maybe i'M THE SLOOOOOWWW ONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NC -


Depends on how you think your husband might react. As long as there not placed in a place that he could feel you were still pushing (just not verbally), I don't see a problem with leaving them where they are.



Welcome to the wonderful world of rebuilding trust.

How open and transparent has he been recently? That should give you an indication of whether your fears are based in reality, or in fear. I know that there have been times when I was suspicious of something with my wife, and upon asking her about it discovered that it was nothing. I have also had fears confirmed, and some suspicions are still not answered.

It's all part of the game we find ourselves in with these situations.

Something to stick in the back of your mind is that there's two parts to rebuilding shattered trust.

1. The person who broke your trust must show themselves worthy of regaining that trust (that, to me, is the obvious part).
2. You must give that person the opportunity to regain (earn) your trust. That's hard, because you can get hurt by them again.

Openness and transparency are key. The WS must be accountable and have nothing to hide. The corrollary is that the BS must be willing to be held to the same level (Ok, there are exceptions if the WS is still active in an affair, but I'm going to assume that the A here is over or nearly over).

Doubting yourself is common - I think every BS goes through it. Sometimes the best course is to simply directly ask the WS the question - you may or may not get an answer, and if you do it may not be the truth, but it's a place to start.

If the nagging feeling in your gut doesn't go away, then you may want to resort to more indirect means to verify (or prove wrong) your suspicions (i.e, snooping).


Ultimately, only you can answer this question, and you can only answer for yourself. Your husband must also answer the question, again only for himself.

You are here, you are asking questions, you are listening to what people say. That tells me that on some level you still believe your marriage is worth fighting for.

I have my days where I wonder why I even bother; you will too. It's another one of those un-fun bonuses that come with affairs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yes you are and I am sitting right next to you on the short bus.

Took me way to long to realize I can be happy as a sole entity even if I am married.

Funny thing like I said I am going through a rough patch right now but you know what I am at peace.

I will be great regardless. I certainly hope it is with her one day but if not I am still GREAAAAAAT!!!!! as tony the tiger would say.

Brokenbird- Hubbie has been great this past week, it's just today! Rather at lunch, this afternoon YS and I went swimming at the neighbors since they're gone and we're watching the house. Hubbie came over and YS and I were playing, H's tired but in a good mood. He didn't mention anything about earlier today or the fact that I called him before we went swimming to ask if he had been home this morning. There was a website that said that he had posted at 9:37 this morning. He didn't get mad, said no, where he was. So, I said ok, I wanted to let you know that we're going swimming, so if I don't answer my phone that why.

And, yes, I do believe that my marriage is worth fighting for, but the thoughts of: if I don't correct the problem now then, it may occur again and I don't think I can handle that! I do have two beautiful boys to consider, and I'm not willing to stay together because of the kids. I don't think that is fair to them nor me! We all deserve to be happy!

Hurtingless- I just thought that was so funny, that it took me that long to get it. I have to keep in mind that I stood on my own to feet before I got married, I can do it again if I have too! As a matter of fact, I told Hubie before I found out that the A was real (at that point I was wondering), that if he wanted someone else, he could have them, because my xbf left me for his xgf. I made it through that I can make it again! I think that might be when his conscious started bothering him. He started losing weight, had direaha, and started not sleeping good. Then, after he told me he was defensive and it was all my fault of course! You know the pattern. Anyway, there I am today, playing head games with myself! Wondering all the time, what is he hiding today! Is it going to be a good day or a bad day? Will I ever get to sleep all night, will I ever feel hungry again? when is he going to come clean? Millions and Millions of questions!

well, thanks for posts, I truely appreciate the two of you for coming to me aid. Day by day this place become a home!

H and I had a good night! we didn't talk about the conversation at lunch yesterday. We were both content with watching TV, and having a little conversation about what was on. Today, is our day! YS sleeps at the sitter's tonight. Not sure what we're doing but we may be riding the motorcycle tonight! If I understand right I'm to keep the conversation light, no relationship talk right now! Today will be day 10 of NC, that I know of! I can't check the cell bill right now, something to do with the billing cycle! everyday that goes by, I worry about contact! I worry about being played for the fool! However, like you guys said it's his actions that I need to watch! ATTITUDE, right? Well, he's friendlier these days, last night I got out of bed and when I came back he attacked me with kisses. Like he wanted some, but he can't right now, at least for the next few days (not because I don't want to)! After he planted alot of kisses on my lips, he turned me over, wrapped his arms around me, and went back to sleep. For all I know he could have been asleep, I'll ask today if he remembers it! In a joking way of course, we always laugh about what we do in our sleep! All I could thing about was this his ploy to have SF, after I said before I went to sleep the first time: I'm sorry I really don't feel sexual tonight! That was the first time in our 13 years together that I just came right out and said that! I usually did it even through I didn't want to because I didn't want him to feel rejected. Basically, I wasn't up to the task of just pleasing him and then going to sleep.

This is not the first time he wakes me up in the middle of the night with kisses and carresses. Do you think he's dreaming about something or is this his true feelings for me? He's said in the past, that I should be happy that he does this, at least I know he loves me. I can say that he didn't do this for a while during the A. There's just that doubt, is it just sex or is it me?

You know the answer to that question; you're just afraid to be too optimistic. I think you're all right in taking the positive signs for what they are but understand there will be setbacks from time to time. You took three giant steps forward this weekend, perhaps falling back one step yesterday. That stumble does not, in any way, negate the progress made over the weekend. You can anticipate another step forward tonight, I think.

If I were you, I’d also plan for a day when you only make one step forward, but “stuff” happens and the recovery is set back a couple/three steps. Those days will happen. Expect them; take them in stride and keep your eye on the overall trend. Even with yesterday in mind, the progress of recovering your marriage is on the upswing. You’ll know if it trends downward.

Fits and starts are something you’ll need to expect for some time, Needing. Stay with it and relax. Let things come to you because I see in your words many indications he's enthusiastically coming back to you and the marriage.

I am afraid to be too optimistic! I'm afraid to get my hopes up and then, be pushed from the plane only to fall 10,000 feet to me death. Fear is my enemy right now, and a wall that I have to scale. I'm assuming that the scaling occurs only with time and the rebuild of trust. Fear is what is holding me back from completely opening my heart to him, but I do have my moments usually with SF. I'm just so [email]d@mn[/email] impatient! I HAVE to keep in mind that Rome was not built in a day and neither was my M. I really trying not to push, I'm trying to be more laid back like he is.

I guess the relationship talk comes at another stage. I just find that my EN is not being met when we don't talk about us. I guess that one will have to sit on the back burner for the time being! I need to count my blessing for the ones that are being met, I could have it rougher than I do! I guess I'm really pretty lucky in reagrd to the situation I could have had! When I read some of the posts, my heart breaks, and I feel the pain!

H told me the first week after D-day that he was in love with me the first time he saw me. His brother was with him at the time, and H told BIL that he would have me one day. I didn't even know he was alive at the time. H happen to live next to my BF at the time in the dorm. We were friends for a year before BF decided to go back to his XGF. Well, I went home for the summer, and when I got back to college the next quarter, I called him up. We've been together ever since then. Needless to say, BIL was shocked when H brought me home. H and I moved in with each other three months after we started dating, that was in 93', then, M in 98'. We both decided that I needed to graduate college before we got married and had kids. H dropped out, he's more mechanically inclined.

As usually, thank you for your great insight! Everyone's so great at keeping me focused when I can't seem to do it!

I can easily recognize your problem sitting still and exercising patience because I'm terribly impatient myself. It's something that must be held under an iron control though.

Do something to take your mind off this for a time. What were some of those Plan A things you were going to do? Was punching a heavy bag in the gym one of them?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I am afraid to be too optimistic! I'm afraid to get my hopes up and then, be pushed from the plane only to fall 10,000 feet to me death."

You should be gaurdedly optimistic but not pesimistic.

It is what it is right now which is good. Hopefully one day the good will outweigh the bad.

Yeah, it was I need to get Hubbie to put it up! I might have to do it myself! okay, Lornhorn, I get the point! Keep busy, don't focus on M all DAAAYYYYY looOOng! Be Patience, keep head up, keep Plan A going, work on self, learn who I am, and do the best that I can!

DID I miss ANYTHING? LOL

NC -

I want to echo Longhorn's words about ups and downs, good days and set-back days. One of the things that I try to focus on is the overall trend of things between MP and I. There have been some great days, a lot of so-so days, and some really downright crappy days.

And you know what? Not all of the crappy days are mine. MP has days where she is set back. It's easy, I think, as either the BS or the WS to get wrapped up in our pain and fears and feelings, and forget that the other person is suffering too.

I fully understand your need to talk with your H about your relationship. I'm the same way with MP - talking it out is one of my primary methods for dealing with situations. Something that I've had to learn (am still learning) is that I need to stay aware of what and how I am saying things, and continue to provide a safe environment for MP to share her feelings with me. In the past, pre-A, I had a habit of effectively and quickly shutting her down in conversations - couple that with the fact that MP isn't (in my experience) big on talking in depth about relationship issues you can easily see why R talk is a delicate issue with us.

Enjoy the good times with your H. Do what you can to increase them. One of the keys, as I understand it, to help the WS through withdrawal after the A ends is to build up new memories of the two of you, to gradually replace the memories of the A and the bad memories of your marriage pre-A.

Impatience is common. I know it's my biggest struggle - I want it fixed right now (and to make it even more difficult, I want it fixed my way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). The sum of your marriage to your H is both of you, and at the end of recovery you will find that sum to be greater than either of you alone.

As MP tells me - one day at a time (though there were times for me in the beginning when I had take it a minute at a time).

The average recovery time is about 2 years - sometimes longer. Value yourself, value your husband, and value your marriage - part of valuing all that is giving each part the time it needs to recover.

There are really 3 recoveries here - your personal recovery, your husband's personal recovery, and your marriage's recovery. Separate and unique, but part of a whole as well.

Keep up the good work.

Nope, Needing, you didn't miss anything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now put all that into practice, okay?

Broken- I really had to read your post several times and think about what you said. I find myself lost in your words about being impatient. I sometimes find myself gaping for air trying to keep myself in check, thinking that if I can just get through the hour, or the workday that it will be okay.

I see how my fix is not necessarily his fix, that's why I'm willing to talk about it and it seems to me that he wants to just forget about it. In reality, he's just dealing with it different, like how all people learn differently. He's coping techniques are different from mine!

As far as making new memories, I'm working really hard on that! I guess I am being selfish thinking only of my pain and hurt. Not that you said that, It's just what I see. I'm usually good at looking at it from the other side of the fence, but for whatever reason, I'm not "getting it" this time. I'm going to think about it from his side awhile. I wish I had some WS advice right now!

Thanks, I'll let you know what I come up with!

You got it! Longhorn

Broken- I really have to think about what you said!


Thanks again!

Hi, hubbie and i went out tonight. Just to grab something to eat, since the little one was gone for the night! we rode the bike again! H's really getting good at not scaring me on it. I've rode before we got one, but it seems like the days that are bad for me is the days that are bad for me to ride. I mean you have to trust the person that your riding with. Well, it just hit me tonight, that may be the reason why sometimes I worried and sometimes I'm not! Is that crazy or what? Is it just the little voices in my head?

Anyway, the ride was good along with dinner but when we got home and crawled into bed H wanted some. I really didn't want it that way, but he likes it and I am trying to met his EN's. So, I did it! H's very nice and sweet, kept asking me if I was okay. It was just like I was void of emotions. I think the real problem was there was no foreplay, or barely any. I mean he kept kissing,carressing me during, and asking if I was okay, but my heart wasn't really into it! Is this a bad thing or is this just one of the ups and downs that we go through? I really wanted to cry after but I didn't want him to know that I was upset. I just couldn't stop OW from popping into my head and thinking "where the passion?" We've had good nights before this when the passion was really intense but I just couldn't do it tonight! I know my needs weren't met tonight! Now, I just void of feelings, I don't want to cry, even though that maybe a good thing, but I don't want or can't perk up! Any ideas on this?

well, I'm going to get some sleep or try to! That's not an easy task these days! I was almost late for work this morning and I don't want that to happen! Good night evryone, and I hope that you all have a great day and weekend if I don't get to talk to you!

Hello, I'm a little off center today! See it's been a rough year for me. My grandfather had a stroke the first week in Feb. and passed away Good Friday and a week later, I find out H's having an A. Easter was papa's favorite time of year. H's father went into the hospital before my grandpa passed. I lived with my grandparents for almost two years. My papa taught me about God, and being happy, and how to be a good person. His death really has had an impact on me. i asked my grandma for his bible, because that's how I remember him more.

Today, my mom, who I hardly ever talk too, sent some money for the kids for Easter and their B-days along with a CD of my stepsister. I'm just in shock, it's like I forget I even had stepsiblings. This is her 3rd Cd; she plays out of Austin, TX. She's got a website and everything. Since my mom doesn't really talk to me anymore, she's gotten close to my stepbrother and stepsister.

Needing, I can't advise you on the SF. There is a feeling out here that in similar circumstances, one "fakes it 'til you can make it" real. You were doing just that but you were uncomfortable with it last night. I'm inclined to hope it was a passing depression and it will become a less intense feeling as time goes on. I think you should talk to your counselor about it since it's something that bothers you.

Your husband may be a little clumsy in setting up SF. On the other hand, part of the process is closeness and warm feelings. He may have thought the feelings from dinner and the ride (just the two of you) were actually a beginning for the later romantic overtures. I'm hoping you can give him the benefit of the doubt here.

If he's not particularly good at foreplay and setting up these evenings, lady...educate him! One of the things you're working on in this recovery is renewed communication, right? So, communicate. Gently start a conversation with him on how you like things to go, or something like that. You know what he'll respond to and we don't, so that's about as far as I can go with suggestions. I hope you can work something here.

I'm sorry you've had to face such adversity in so short a time. Sometimes it seems like it just keeps coming for a while. That passes. With reference to your mother and step-siblings, is there a reason why you don't re-cultivate a relationship with them? For myself, a couple of years ago, I reached out to a daughter who I hadn't had a very close relationship in a long time. We found our past disagreements had faded into the background and no longer mattered. We email daily now and see each other regularly. I heartily recommend reconnecting. It's a good feeling. Hang in there, Needing. Better days are coming.

Last night was just really difficult for me. We have had some really great SF since the A. Good old college days stuff! It must have been a trigger!

As far as my mom and stepsibling, I don't really talk to my mom because my stepdad's not happy about who I married. I'm white, H's black. Stepdad's grandpa was the head of the KKK in a county in Tx when me SD was growing up. I was the first to graduate from college in my family and my stepdad and mom didn't come, because he refused to be around those kind of people. When he found out that H and I were dating, SD told me that I would be allowed in his house but me H and kids would never be. Needless to say, I'm not going to abandon my H and kids over childish attitudes. To top it off, my SD was very abusbive when I was growing up, and the state pulled me out of my home causing me to live with my grandparents until the family was reunited. Most of the abuse stopped, but I didn't get free until I went to college. Even from home, he tried to control me. I worked two jobs and went to school. H was my knight and shining armor. He was my support group, backed me up on all decisions, helped me pay for school, and just everything to me! My parents told my family that I went to school on scholarship, needless to say I worked my a$$ off to get through school.

My mom's only seen the kids 3 or 4 times(their 4 and 8 this month), sometimes we get packages for holidays and b-day, sometimes not! She lives in So. Tx with my stepdad and he has reunited with his kids. I was raised as an only. I think the last time I saw them I was 5 or 6 yrs. old. I would like to talk to my stepsister, I've wondered for years if the abuse happened in their familt too, but at the same time, I don't want to cause any trouble. They are from my SD's second M. My SD and mom are 15 yrs. apart.

If my mom were to ever move back here, I would welcome her with open arms,but as long as my stepdad is present I don't see how we can have a relationship. I did get to see my mom and SD last year, when my mom's mother was in the hospital. The three of us walked outside and my SD asked my mom to go to the car. He said at the time he was not ready to meet my kids or my H. Said he was glad to see that I was doing well, but that he may not ever be ready to met them. well, their was some miscommunication the next day, and I brought the kids to the hospital with me. Mom and SD showed up, mom was loving all over the kids; SD would look at them or me! Since then, I haven't really talked to them outside of to say I didn't mean for that to happen and my grandpa passed.

SD told me that I married H because I was rebelling against him, said he would prefer that I be gay! Anyway, with all that in mind, it's just been easier to let the past go! Since I married my H, we've stuck together, and I plan to stick to him and my kids. I haven't made it this far for nothing! that's why I know H and I are going to make it, we're just in a rough patch! H's even said that he doesn't want to lose everything we're worked so hard for!

I did email my stepsister at lunch! We'll see what the results are!