No, I was upset one day and went to pick up OS. I starting crying, right after d-day, Told her that I had an appy. with IC and a lawyer. It was free info. and I didn't want to have to go to the extreme. I was worried that H was going to burn the house down or something like that because he said so. I was extremely scared and had to figure out what was best, that I wanted to save my M. I explained H behavior, and his Father's and that the reason I was so scared of him hurting me. They told him about me going to the lawyer, before I was ready to tell him. He came unglued when I did tell him, said the neighbors had informed him already. He threaten to make sure that I would have nothing and he would rather go to jail before that happened. He did that at my work, my boss overheard and said she didn't know who he was. She heard the threats, then, he asked for me to go outside with him.

I had given him the choice of going to sitting down with a MC or sitting down with a laywer, his choice. I was a nervous wreck then.

I feel like I was betrayed because in was in confidence, matters were made worst by him having the info., and they nor I didn't know what he would do. My main question to the lawyer was in regards to a restaining order for the kids and I's safety.

Well, didn't get that all inside out?

How did their telling WH make things worse?

Did you feel they told WH to hurt you?

Like them picking him over you?

To protect him?

LA

H said that he was told b/c they didn't want him blindsided. First, that's not me! The W has always been particular to H, she's said that she doesn't get along with women well.

I know I should have know better. It made things worst becasuse H's anger was the worst I've seen and I was concerned for my safety moreso than the kids.

I think they were protecting him, not me. They have never seen his anger, only happy so lucky H. We've only known they maybe a yr and a half.

To hurt me, no, I don't know, she's was very helpful the day after d-day, I thought she was going to be a great asset for support, because she chewed his @ss out. they both disagreed and was hurt by what he had done. I guess I really feel betrayed for that fact and they didn't know his temp, I could have gotten hurt physical.

So, part of your resentment is the unfairness of them not wanting him, the betrayer, blindsided, is that correct?

And the other part is them not being concerned for your safety because they didn't know the man you are married to has the ability to hurt you physically?

LA

Yes, the disaprroval they first showed, they it was like they were taking up for him with concern for my safety!

I was hurt as much by them as I was by H.

You experienced something through confiding in them and having them alert your H to your plans...and I believe you experienced a lot of previous betrayal in your life...when you didn't get what you expected...and you were experiencing it all at once...

You have only known them a year and a half...you are not married to them, do not meet their ENs or are planning to build a life with them...yet you say they hurt you as badly as your H's A...

Rin, you felt great pain that day...you were distraught and confiding...you poured yourself out and wanted desperately to communicate your pain, feel safe, protected and right.

You're human. What is unreasonable is to expect them to pick sides...to not see what you see, to know what you know...and to act as you wanted them to act.

DDays are horrific...we want desperately others to be accountable when our WH's are not...and we want to be safe...and we are not.

If you could see this as them not betraying you, but your actions and choices...expectations...maybe you could see they are not blameless nor culpable...the care about you...she chewed your WH's butt...and he brought reality to your WH as he saw fit...maybe what he would have wanted...you don't know. Only way to know is to talk it out or establish non-intimate guidelines for your own choices with them.

We have many levels of relationships...from stranger (still a relationship) to acquaintance, to friend, to close friend, to lover, to marriage partner.

It's easy to confuse our desires with our expectations, wanting loyalty, fidelity, compassion and concern from our partners and holding other less intimate relationships to the same standard.

This isn't me telling you you're wrong to feel betrayed by them...this is me asking you to look at your pain and know that they do not have the power of an intimate relationship to have caused this so greatly in you...that your WH has.

And to know...humans are...dashing about doing what they believe is right or not...and then feeling the effects. Any DJs you have against them are yours...listening and repeat with them, hearing their truth is not something you're willing to do...choosing the level of relationship you want with them is within your power...as you said, being O&H with your resentment, working through it, is yours.

I'm in your corner, Rin...and understanding where our emotions overlap, cover more than what we see as cause, comes from the beliefs we have...about others...and the shoulds of them...when really, they are about us...and our beliefs.

LA

Have you ever felt "They should treat me better than that--I didn't do anything to them" before?

I ask because I'm thinking about you, working this through with you, and how I held others to higher standards than my H...because I felt deserving of what he did and not what others did...heck, I was GOOD to them!

I had to look at this dynamic in myself...find out self was struggling to say what I wanted from others, I wasn't giving to myself...like a broken record, aren't I?

Because you went home to your WH...and weren't safe...didn't believe you were safe whether they told him or not...and you chose to risk...to be physically, mentally and emotionally harmed...you did that...and you had other choices...

Easier to say others made it more risky, harmful, etc...because we want others to protect us...from us...easier because self HURTS when we do this to ourself...I'm beginning to believe that's because our fear deflects...gets in our way...and distorts...not easier, but harder to see inside...our truth.

Being owed loyalty is how we're raised...we work hard to protect others because we want to be protected...

Which brings me to the selflessness behind gifts for you...

What did self ever do to you? Why is sacrifice, putting others ahead of you, such a noble thing? Wouldn't that be telling self, you're bad, greedy, selfish...when self can't be any of those things? Our self-image can...and is...not our selves...created by God...whole and complete...

If you see others as self-absorbed, then gifts will say to you, "I value you right now more than me." Does that feel safe? True? Do you want to be more than because you lived so long believing you were less than? Where would that leave equality?

Do think you could talk it out with the neighbors? Or move your level of relationship more backwards...to polite and friendly, not friends?

LA

I would be more comfortable with polite and friendly for the time being. I may comfort them with my thoughts sooner rather than later, but for the time.

It more so that I put myself in that position, I let myself at a time of vunerablitity, speak my heart and I feel like my heart was riped out. I was looking for protect, for understand, a smypathic ear, someone to comfort me when I was unable to do so myself. Since than I have realized that she reads things into what I say. The other day, she asked for an address which I didn't have, and I gave the last name, and said that she would have to look it up.

She talks to H more than me especially now, well H had to correct her but she thought I said it mean. I've learned that she thinks everyone is out to get her, her H even agrees.


my first response is no, they have always treated me well, but I would look to think about that more! Also on the gift thing!

How are you today? Did you get enough total sleep? I napped for you, if that helps.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm thinking of you...and going to the drive-in.

LA

(((Rinderella)))

I like your new name.

Just wanted to let you know that I checked up on your thread.

You are doing amazing and have a lot of great support. I myself have been reading a lot of Loving Anyways posts as I find her analysis seems to help me understand a lot of my own feelings and behaviors. I am going to do the exercises on the Owning Your Own Villagers thread.

I admire you.

LA-I'm doing well today thank you. I did get some sleep yesterday, not to much today, but I'm still good. My house is nice and clean. I'm so proud of me and the kids. Matter of fact, H came home and sat in the living room and said "What's missing?" I said all the clothes (LOL)!

I finally got to do them all in one whack! I also, did a little shopping for myself, just a few accessories to go with my warerobe! Two pretty necklaces and a braclet!

Oh, I went the party with the kids. I told the H Hi, no reply, then she saw me. She was nice, we were polite! they really didn't talk to me a lot, which was fine after yesterday's convesation with you, and being over there, I don't have a hold lot of resentment now. H and I talked about them yesterday, H even mention that OW and I both thought that she is/was in love with H. H didn't use her name, I said OW was fine with me that's what I call her. He even read Mulan's post last night on SHMI's thread. I read it and thought "WOW, so I passed it on." I just pulled it up and said you don't have to but if you do it's here, then left to cook supper.

Oh, before we came inside last night, we were talking while he was wiping down his bike. H said that his main problem is that he has a tendency to blame. I didn't ask anything, just the fact that he's thinking about things like that said alot to me. Later, I said that mine was DJ, said that I was having a hard time gtting it, and that the conversation we had about the Neighbors was all DJ's. Their the only ones who wasn't happy he got the bike! She said "what are you doing buying that when ya'll aren't doing well?" Or something like that! H told her that we were doing fine, and we are comparitivily to where we were.

Oh, I talk about arguing with him, the conversation we had, explained that you can't argue because is trying to persaude an individual one way or another. I asked him, LOL, if he thought he could make or influence someone into feeling or thinking a certain way.

We talked about taking things personal when someone says something. I mentioned that if you take what is said personal you're inclined to hold resentment, but if you take what they say as information you don't hold an resentment. we started talking about this because he said that he didn't like to hurt anyone feelings. After we talked a little while he said he could see it.

I could hear myself talking before I did! we had a good conversation, and instead of sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, I crawled in the bed after he was asleep. I could feel him rubbing on my back. I could barely feel it being half asleep.

Lizzie-Hi, thanks for stopping by! LA has been a great source of "sharing" for me. I would like to do it with H also. My main focus is working on me, and then PA behavior.

Well, let me get out of here. I'm on the sofa, YS is in bed sleeping (he had an attitude problem that needed a cure LOL), and OS is PS2. It's our quality time being together. I'll check in later!

Good Morning! I have to say that I had a great weekend. I did get some rest, and the house is clean, a few things left to do. I went to Sam's yesterday and there was a Dirt Devil vacuum, and the handle extends. Well, YS said "Mom it's a vaccum for me!" i said if I get it you and your brother are going to have to vacuum! LOL well, we get home and get it out the box; YS gets after it. I had to get a pic, it's to cute! I needed a new one anyway, but this is perfect!

Oh, Sunday at about 5am, h said I sat straight up in bed. i wasn't even aware that I did it, all I remember was him rubbing my back. H said after I sat straight up he asked where I was going. I mumbled something, and laid back down. He said he pulled my close and started rubbing my back and I was asleep in maybe two seconds. H said the way I sat up, it was like I was having a nightmare or something. I told him, that must be happening, I'm sitting straight up and getting directly out on the bed because before I even realize what I'm doing my feet or on the floor and I'm going! It was nice that he got to see what I'm doing, that it is something I'm unable to control, because I would love to stop it! I don't remember a bad dream or anything! Weird!

I'm starting to wonder if it has something to do with PTSD. I was dianosed with it a few years ago, and had gotten better but after D-day I noticed that I was really easy to scare (like walking up on me, simple things) and jumpy! Any ideas?

Oh, I wanted to say that I had a wonderful weekend particular due to the kids. I've noticed that since I've stopped yelling everything they are responsing more to what is asked of them. I have that to raise my voice to get my point across to the littlest (he's stubborn, really stubborn!) but outside of that, I'm loving the new interaction!

H and I were laying in bed last night and he said that he missed us this weekend. Asked if I have a good weekend (very rarely does he ask how my day went or something like that), and he mentioned one of the guy's at work that I exposed to. He said that they have a lot of respect for each other and they really talk alot about different things, life. I said that was one of the reason I chose him (to expose to). We had a really great short talk and a little SF to go with that! It was a great night!

Oh, Oh, Oh! LA- I left up the post about the neighbors and your asking about my expectation of them! You're first and second on the this pg. and told H if he wanted to read it that was fine. Well, he did, and i didn't ask what he thought or anything. I'm trying not to do that now. In the past, I would have, but for some reason I don't have a need to ask. I think it's better if it lingers with him. I think there's a lot of good content it there about owning and expectation that may been helpful to him, if he choices to think about it. Like the comment he made about have trouble with blame, I think that's a perfect example of blaming.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to educate. I'm providing resources and what he does with the information is up to him!

I got a hug this morning when I got up at 5:30. H asked what I was doing, he was in the kitchen, I don't remember if I said anything. He hugged me and said go back to bed. I know I was still asleep. Could I be sleep walking, I don't know anything about that either?

Rella,
Sounds like a great weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> And it sounds like he is trying to process this. Its great you are spending time together.

I use to startle and have panic attacks in my sleep (pre-MB during A chaos) I am and have always been a very light sleeper. My sleep improved as I began to take control of my life.

My sister - even as a kid would sleep walk...she would usually end up in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Maybe thats why she married a denist! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> She still occassionally sleep walks when her life is hectic/stressful.

That's funny, ChaCha, about your sister! I end up on the sofa, sometimes eating something! But that just started recently, the eating! I really don't understand it, because I am a hard sleeper but I have found myself waking us thinking H's there in the morning only to find out he's left for work. Now, I'm waking up with him!

Now, I can say that I am a night person and it seems like it's the only time I can get to myself. It has to be a direct result of my mind racing. I feel like there's something I MUST do. I can remember this morning feeling a sense of urgency.

Rhinderalla,

Thanks for the post on my thread! Girls are doing decent. Both finally getting over strep throat which was not fun. Well, I guess if you caught up on my thread you know what has been happening with us. My H and I had a good weekend though and managed two ignore thursday and friday's events for the most part. NC letter was received today and she is pissed. H feels bad about this. I feel bad because he feels bad. It sucks! We just have to get through this and continue on with our lives. We have made such good progress. Anyway, how are you.

7142

7142-I'm doing well enough! I've kinda of got to stopping point with learning about "own", and PA stuff. I'm really kinda of Blah now that I think about it! I would like to learn something different to keep pace.

I need something and I'm not sure what it is today!
How do you know that she's pissed? I didn't see anything on your post when I read it earlier. DId I miss something?

I still have not gotten a NC letter from H. I have said that I wanted NC, and a NC letter but I'm wondering if I'll ever get it at this point. My H's back to we're fine again!
Not sure what to do, not having the NC makes me feel unsafe! I guess I need to lay that out on the line! Do a drive by, explain that without it, I'm sitting here waiting on the next C. Explain that I see it as a sign of committment! I don't know, not today anyway!

I'm so glad that your H was willing to do the NC letter. I'm sorry that you are having to watch his pain and having to feel your own at the same time. Things will get better!

have a great day, everyone!

Hey,

Tell H you need closure. To start fresh! Now, is there anyway the two of you can go away for a couple of days and have fun?

Read my post now, it will explain how I know she is pissed!

7142

I was thinking about going away this weekend. H's finally got the weekend off. The problem lies in the fact we don't really have anyone to keep them that long! I would love even a night!

Okay, I have to say that I was on 7142's thread when it hit me. Reading about the situation of OW calling, has once again brought to light my fears of continued C. The last H said was he "wasn't going to write a F888ing NC letter!" This bothers me. There's no way of me knowing what the future holds, but just the thought of C, one way or the other bothers me tremendously. H was in Pa Mode when he said this, and you know if you want a PA to do something you have to state the opposite. Is that a DJ?

I was in a great mood this morning but my anxiety level has rose since then. I feel like I can't ask him again. I've spoke me boundaries, of course he did say, whatever, whenever, however, I wanted it. I think I still have the TM to prove it!

Yeap, I got it! He wrote "Whatever u want however whenever I give up ur not going to be happy until it all ur way so here it is"

Anyone think i can use this to my advantage? I really need a push on this, I'm tried of rocking the boat with the same results. Why am I so worried about dealing with his anger? I'm expecting him to get anger again! And it scares me!