Rinderella, if you think your spouse is P/A (Passive/Aggressive) then please join us over on the In Recovery board. We are having an ongoing discussion about that very topic.
Mulan

Thanks everyone, I plan to have the time of my life! Enjoy every minute!

Mulan-I posted in recovery, like you suggested!

Just to let everyone else know, I'm doing LA's Owning your Own exercise. WOW, that's interesting, and that's all I have to say! It's a learning experience, well, LOL, it will be if I can get my act together an think about it! LOL

I noticed on the way to work this mornig, listening to the radio, that I'm smiling more! I'm even laughing! I almost never laughed before D-day, and I remember the other night laughing at something on TV, and this morning I was laughing at the radio!

If that's not a sure sign that positive things are taking place inside of me!

Oh, H said last night after we got home "Some poeple love unconditional but don't know how to show it!" I didn't repeat, but I heard him say that he loves unconditional but doesn't know how to show it! this would explain to me why he could take me shopping after hitting him like I did that day I completely lose it! We also talked about rebellion, well I did he listened. I said how the main purpose of rebellion is to separate ourselves for our parents, to become our own individual. I said that I thought if we carried that behavior into our adult yrs., that we haven't learned yet that it's inappropriate. I told he when the last time, I did something I thought was rebellious. H just nodded his head, I thought it was a good sign! He was playing with my hair as we talked!

MOF, since D-day, we go to bed and hold each other, sometimes SF sometimes not, I love it! Before I felt a lot of pressure to have SF, and this has relieved a lot of tension for me.

I feel like I've been doing wonderful things as of late. I think that one day I'm going to get to the point that I don't get shaky when I speak out. I feel more confidend by the day, not scare to tackle certain things! I'm calmer, more rational.

He's in a great mood this morning.

Its nice when you catch yourself being happy. I do that pretty regularly these days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I try not to base my mood on FWH...which is new for me.

I've been catching bits and pieces of your thread...soaking up responses from LA...the "Owning you own" thread is very interesting I've been reading but not posting there.

A couple questions....is your neighbor OW? or just over involved in your life? Did he do the NC letter?

No, N's not OW, speaking of OW! I found out OW's working of out town. A co-worker stopped at the restuarant that she's working at, and he happen to go to school with her. So, he asked a few questions. I know her maiden name now! Never know when you might need it!

No, again, still NC letter! I'm not saying anyhting else about it, he knows I want it, I need it! Like I've be adviced, I'm not wasting my energy on repeating. He just does want to do it, just like he's calling OW (like I said cell record says one minute) on purpose, to hurt me, becasue I check the bill!

I tickle myself when I realize that I'm happy and laughing! It's like watching an infant learn to turn over, or crawl, and then a toddler to walk! You never know what you're going to see next! LOL

Okay, I've caught H snapping at me the past few days. Once I snapped back, I know bad! I think twice, I paused and looked at him, then answered. Now, he's been working for twelve days straight and last NC was last Tues.(one minute call?)

Now, question being: he says he's not in withdrawal anymore, but is this a usual withdrawal thing! Has any FWS had contact and not felt anything more? H did say that she had nothing to offer him, and she did deny everything when he last talked to her. yesterday, H said OW told him "It was none of his business!" I said "Ouch, that must have hurt, it would have me!" No response, of course, he was PA mode, mad with me!

I think the comment was more reality setting in, but I can't push him. we'll get there regardless of time, just wondering if someone had some insight, thoughts, whatever!

Good Morning! It is a beautifully, hot day here! H and I had a little talk this morning at @6am. We just happen to get u at the same time. Anyway, we went lay back in bed and I was rubbing his back. I was trying to start SF, well, I wasn't getting response. All to often in the past, I would get frustrated, disappointed or even anger because I would not get a response. Well, I spoke up, and came to find out, he's never thought that me rubbing his back was my way of starting SF. He always thought I was just trying to be nice. I explained no, and that usually what we do it what we want the most.
It turns me on to rub him like that, and I want the touch in return. I feel that was a huge step on my part, and I was acknowledge. It was an extremely brief conversation, maybe a minute, but the information that was relayed was fabulous!
I also told him that he had to speak up if he wanted my time, and I was doing something, then, he needed to let me know. I'm not a mind reader, and nothing is more important than him, if it's something that I had to do, I'll ask him to give me a few minutes. I said that I never wanted him to feel like something superficial or someone came before he does. He's important to me.

It's them little drive-bys! I'm sure that those two will make a difference in our future.

Hey, Rin...sounds like a wonderful morning...you got to realize how deep your belief is of what HE knows...with the SF communication mix up...can you flip this over and really understand where DJs play a large part in ourselves, from the bottom up?

"H said OW told him "It was none of his business!" I said "Ouch, that must have hurt, it would have me!" No response, of course, he was PA mode, mad with me!"

I wanted to point out your DJ here...with what I believe was your intent to comfort or connect...they are sneaky devils, Rin...no bash here. I believe his whole point in saying that OW was irrelevant went by you...and you caught yourself at the end, by saying, "it would have hurt me!" like something tagged on. Look to your motives...to cure, maybe...what isn't yours...to connect by sharing isn't putting you in his place with your reaction...

Really tough to undue...we were taught it was empathetic...that this was consideration and love...no bash from me...not you doing this wrong...unravelling what is truly empathetic and what is manipulation is a journey in itself.

Which is why I emphasize again, listen and repeat. "You're saying OW told you that the A she had with you was none of your business?" Go for clarity, Rin...stops the invisible DJs, and gets you out of the way of your goal...understanding before attempting to be understood.

To understand, you have to be safe...for you to hear and be heard...you know that. I'm repeating. I'm reminding. I think I'm DJing...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

More walks today, good RC...that being with each other's selves, no judgment...you're great with your inner child...enjoy and fill yourself up, Rin...you are not doing harm...you are being Rin...which is a marvelous human to be, IMO.

LA

Thank you very much for everything you share with me.

I think that I didn't make the story clear. DH was asking OW about calling BF and how she got his number! She said "it was none of his business." I understand that what I did, and will try to watch myself in the future. I do DJ on what I THINK he knows, that's what was so great about this morning. It was something as simple as me rubbing his back. I've learned I communicate more non-verbal then verbal, thus assuming I'm being understood. I got a huge wake-up call today, between what happened this morning and your thread. I'm going to think on a few things before I post back there. I know the answer to a majority of the questions you asked, but I think I need to shuffle some paperwork around in my head. I think the answers I'm looking for are at the bottom of the shack. LOL Either that or the rolladex needs some oil because it's stuck and not rolling over right! LOL I hope I got a laugh out of that! LOL

Excellent insight on the non-verbal communication because my H and me were like that, as well.

Waking up is just that...as gentle and easy as you make it...don't startle yourself, Edith. (Okay, you're too young, but that was a really lame pun on "All in the Family" sitcom)...I shudder myself.

LOL

Did you feel like laughing when WH said he didn't correlate back rubs with SF overtures? I've had so many of those wake up times with DH, and laughing helps me not to bash myself for not knowing what I didn't know...and you're a great laugher...might tell WH, "If I burst out laughing at an inappropriate moment, I am most likely realizing what I'm doing as I'm doing it, and not in reaction to you."

My H now laughs when he gets stuff, too. Upward spirals do happen...keep 'em going.

Take your time on answering...again...this is a process, not a race...and you've got your WH to yourself this weekend...let this stuff percolate for later...stronger brew, maybe...'k?

((((Rin)))))

LA

What? I loved "All in the Family!" Granted I don't remember alot of the saying but it's vivid in my mind! LOL

No, I didn't want to laugh but I did find it amusing that he didn't think that pyh. touch was part of foreplay. Wierd!

This weekend hasn't been so great, not a lot of QT, UA! I told him I was craving that this morning and yestersay there was a discussion. I told him I didn't feel like I handled myself all that well, said that the last time, I feel like I did a fabulous job. It was a PA moment, about that [email]d@mn[/email] cell phone. I was very blunt, and I let my frustration show. I really feel like the old is coming back, like I can't stop it. Caughting myself wanting to react the sam old way, really feeling the need to react that way. I stopped, it's been a rough, not bad, but rough weekend. A lot more of doing nothing then I would like, H watching TV. Me being bored, yesterday, I got out in the yard, before the rain and pulled some weeds. Today, we woke up to a down pour!

I don't know!:::SCREAM::::

We babysitted both N's at the bar last night. That was interesting! H, me, and three OW! Both of my N were REAEAALLLY drunk, like I had to pick one of them up and carry them out of the place. I drove the third one home, while H drove the Ns home. It was kind of funny but aggrevating. We were walking to another bar, and the Ns still had beers (open containers), they got off with just a warning! One wanted to ride the police officers bicycle. LOL They were hugging each other and falling on the ground...stuff to laugh about today! Last night...embarrassed...the loud talking...the inappropriate comments...trying to stop them from getting in trouble mostly. It wasn't to bad! It was rough trying to keep an eye on them! LOL

Good Morning! I was nosing around the net looking for stuff on self and ran across this Oprah's website, her magazine! It has some great stuff I wanted to share! I hope there's something for everyone!

Spririrt & Self

There are some great little assignments that you can do. Questions to ask self, etc.

I have to say that I've never been a big Oprah fan, but seeing the website has changed my thoughts a little!

Hey Rin,

Glad you stopped at my thread and found some humor. We have a tendacy to go in spurts. Funny and silly to serious and back to funny and silly. I am a firm believer in laughter makes everything better. When I am having a crappy day or should I say, feeling sorry for myself day, I tend to go to the comedy central website and look up jokes. It always gets me in a better mood and my outlook changes.

Glad you were able to get out even though you spent your time babysitting Neighbors. One day at a time baby! Remember to be the kindest most loving person you can be.

Have a good day!

7142

7142-I'll remember to stop by your thread whenever I need a pick me up! It's funny you should talk about Comedy Central, H watchs that channel all the time. We were just laughing about imagining us and the Ns doing "imprompt to." Can you see yourself, H and a bunch of your friends with stage props, acting like fishs, or your MIL, the maillady, or something? Just the thought cracks me up! LMAO

Enjoy the day!

I've been low all day. I feel like I've lost my inspiraton, my drive. I feel like I'm settling back in my old routine. Self and I tried to have a talk but the answers weren't there or I didn't want to hear the answers. I'm sad, I'm not unhappy but feel lost. There's a heaviness in my soul. I'm craving to feel loved.

I don't want to settle back into old routine, old habits, old patterns! I want to move forward but seem like I'm standing at a four way stop and have no clue which direction to take.

Is this a relativily normal reaction? My drive to change was a result of the A, and I'm finding myself wanting to move forward but at a stand still. My emotions have been calm, not forceful like they have been. I don't feel tired, somewhat empty but I'm just not certain.

I have learned that I'm grateful for a multitude of things, which I started a post called "what are you grateful for?" It was a way to cheer myself up, but I'm still solemn.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Key word: day

This one day, you felt like you lost your inspiration, your way, slipped back...one day...tomorrow is new...you are made new...it's not a contest...it is life...one day...

When you're okay to just be...for today...not old or new, not right or wrong, just as you are...then you will hear your soul's whisper, hear the rustle of your thoughts...and know their footsteps...find some portents you divine...and let them go with a blessing...that's a heckuva day, when you can do that...

One day.

You will not do what you truly don't want to do...your fear of being who you were cannot be true, Rin...the days like this one, will show you, by contrast, your change, your new beliefs, like shoes, breaking them in by wearing them...and how better to see your previous ways than putting on clothes that no longer fit...that sag or were too tight?

Contrast day...your choice to perceive it as temporary and important...not bad...not down...different energy...all yours.

Lessons don't all come at you head on...forward direction...there are ones to the side, come from the corner of your eye, maybe only possible when you stand still...

Or look up. Which is difficult to do when you're always walking forward.

Would you like to learn a solemn peace? Happiness in stillness? Absorbing all you've learned at full stride...the settling in...what do you think?

One day...maybe another day, like this one down the road...name your fear of standing still...when God asks us...to be still and know that he is God...

Sharing all your days is what I'm very grateful for.

LA

Hey Rin -

Like LA said, focus on the word day. What happened to the Rin who treated each day as a new day, and looked forward to it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's ok to slow down once in a while - maybe your a bit down today because you've been pushing hard for a while and need to slow it down a bit. You're not going to do anyone any good if you burn yourself out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Get a good night's sleep if you can, and tackle tomorrow when it arrives.

Rin,
We all are going to have bad days. Listen to LA, she knows from experience. I had a crappy day yesterday and today I am ok. Be the best you can be. It is a terrible roller coaster ride and yes there are times where you will feel like your gonna crash and burn. One day at a time, that is all you can do.

7142

Thank you guys! Today is a better day. I've been reading on personality types, and took a test on the web.

www.typelogic.com

I'm a INFJ! (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, And Judging) If anyone what's to look it up!

It's really cool, it just puts things into words that I already know about myself. Example: I'm extremely loyal, not easily led, selective about my friends, self-expression comes easy on paper, gentle, caring, artistic, creative. I like having things orderly. I put alot of faith into my instrincts, and intuition. I'm protective of my inner self and share only what I chose to share when I chose to share it. I like my privacy and can be secretive. I'm concerned about other's feelings and try to avoid hurting them. I'm very senitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it well.

I'm stubborn and I DO have a tendency to ignore other's opinions. (Surprise!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I'm a perfectionist, who doubts I'm living up to my fullest potential. I'm rarely at complete peace with myself, there's always something else I could be doing to improve self and the world around me. (Sound strangely familiar?) I have very high expectation of myself and my family.

This is all true! All it's not even the half of it. I knew all of this stuff, but couldn't verbalize it. It's very interesting.

Look what a NEW day has done for me! Yesterday was fear based, but I'll hit that point another day. Standing still has never been my strong point! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />I'm a mover and a shaker! Perhaps a downfall? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Can you believe this? H took the personality test, agreed with most of the stuff it said, major one was manipulator! He said he can see why he gets free coffee, and stuff!

Check it out:

H's test results

LA-what do you think about this one girl? I told him I could see where I felt he's done that to me. It was just a statement! We've worked on taking stuff like that as info. It was cool!

There was another page that talked about his personality type really bad. I was reading it to him, and I had to stop an let him know that he was nowhere like they were saying. H agreed said he wasn't THAT bad!

It was cool! What do you guys think about tests like this? LA, have you thought about taking one, or have you? Anyone? How close did it come to you?