I think you should talk to the doc about it. They may want to slowly back you off of them instead of just stopping cold-turkey. Either way, she should know what you're doing so she'll know, and can tell you, if there are any problems to watch for.

I'm sure your doc will let you direct that you want to get off of them, but she'll also know the best way to do it.

-AmI.


(ps, I think you're smart to step back from that neighbor and the drama she's trying to create for you.)

AmI-Thank you I think ChaCha nailed it on the head. I think the letter was intended to get a response from me.

I feel like LA said "anything I say or do will not matter;" it's her TRUTH, not mine!

DH has come to that conclusion also! I think it's best!

As far as the AD, I can't back off anymore, my only choice would be every other day or cold-turkey! Lexapro? I will ask about it, I just thought that given my stage of success,:::smirking::: if any of you would recommend staying on them just in case or agreeing that I could get off of them.

Rin,
Since you are on them already, I'd stay on them for a while. You are very early into this recovery. It will be a rollercoaster. AD aren't fast acting you need to maintain a certain level in your system for them to be effective. Some take up to 21 days to be therapeutic. If you are tolerating them well, I'd stay on them a while longer and then talk to your Dr. about coming off. DO NOT do cold turkey w/o Dr. ok?

Hey Rin,

I am so glad your weekend was good too!

I am still fog free here!!

I was also thinking of stopping my AD's but I am going to take them at least another month.
DO NOT JUST STOP THEM!!!

So many of my patients do that and they end up in a real depression and then when they restart them it takes another few weeks for them to get reabsorbed into the body again.
Talk to your doc about a tapering schedule before you stop cold turkey.

stay strong !!

Blind

Rin,

I know nothing of AD's...only old stuff...out of date...mostly fiction. Great advice from CC and Blind...I trust your judgment because you inform yourself first before making it.

What I'd like to ask is if you will abide your HN's (horrible neighbor) boundary...respect it...do not set foot in her house because you will not apologize for what you did and said...you expressed yourself and for that there is no apology. I know you do not blame her for your M problems...just her part...her small part...and you know you now have the power to remove that part. Will you explain this well to the children? That you are respecting HN's wish?

Because you are honorable...you will honor her boundary?

And because she was profane, verbally abusive...she crossed your boundary...and you enforce that by not allowing her in your home, around your family, is that correct?

You have enough on your plate...you handled it well...as far as the children...be direct with them, tell truth...find out if they feel rejected, wrong...to blame, 'k?

LA

Thanks, LA! I appreciate eveything you have said! Yes, I will respect her boundary. I can not apologize for something I'm not doing! I would like to post the letter here and see it there is something in it that would help self. I see alot of projection and would like to get others opinions on it as well.

I will talk with OS, that's something I have not thought about! I think it would be wise. I think YS is clueless, but if he asks to go over there, I will explain the situation then.

CC & BS06-I really appreciate you're posts that's the kind of info I was hoping for. I will not go cold-turkey, I promise and I'm not one to break my promises! I was wondering about the up and down rollercoaster...I mean things are good now but what if their not a month from now...I am strong but there always a chance.

LOL I always like to do my research before I pull my ideas together!

Today, I am angry about the letter from HN. I think I'm angry because I'm having trouble letting go. I don't understand alot of things. I would like to put stop to thinking about it. This morning I was thinking about writing her back, and then I thought "no, I'm trying to control the situation." I'm not use to letting things be; I'm sure you can all recognize that. So, I ask that you please bear with me on the HN situation. I feel it's a huge step for me in my education of self. I'm having to rely on my patience, self-control, trust (that I'm doing the right thing and in myself). I almost feel like it's a first for me and it's scary.

So, here it is, exactly as wrote, not corrections in spelling or grammar!

Rin-

1)I was told that you were a Bad person. bye your so called long time friends. Before I let you In our life.

2)Let me ask any other women and man, if they would like the sh*t that you've done to me. In the pass 2years. For as your oweing sh*t I can't stand people that have to do (tick For tack). (Family + Friends, Don't Do that)

3)Blameing others For your Faults. OH Yeah You said ("We Pushed DH to go and **ck around) Sorry, Go else were. For as in blame. Look In the mirror. You (underlined) Pushed Him out Yalls Door. (Not I)

4)For as DH being here, It was a time out From you.

5)I trusted you. To were I took a chance on what your friends said.

6)You need to grow up and stop being selfish and rude to people.

7)OF ALL PEOPLE YOU Blame me. Boy I Bet you can sleep Better Now that you sent a letter. Sweet Dreams.

(I sent a card saying that true friends forgive, forget, and don't blame each other. They overlook each others faults.Trying to make a mends so we could at least be civil. This was about a week ago, before I took care of her at the bars.)

8) You have NO (underlined) clue what friendship IS. So please, I don't need your lies are sh*t. You Need to look up friendship. Becasue you don't know sh*t about it. Friend-Ship (double underlined)

9)You know what's Fu**ed up, is that You accused me For all of this sh*t. What the f*** did I do to you. Besides BEing the Bit** Across the street. that never listens to sh*t anybody says. So Please tell Me Why Should I Ever want to be your Friend. so You can Blame me For the next time tou are DH F***s someone else.

10)Your (underlined) Not Welcome At my (underlined) house, until you can say I'm Sorry HN for blameing you I pushed this on myself. Hey I know You want ever do this because your the Sh*t! So I guess I won't have to worry about you being around my house Right! Right So For AS In ALL this.

11) I can't get over this And No I don't think I can Forgive you. Becasue I'm pretty sure You've done told people a lie about me. And I don't Need that Sh*t In my life are family. I have enough.

12) thank you For showing me Your True colors.

13) My family has nothing to do with this leave them out of this. My Husband (underlined) Has Nothing to do with this. You've Made sure of that. that ALL Of this Is MY Fault

14) A Hint to You that You'll Never Fine a true Bit** like me to Blame (underlined) Besides yourself.

15)Thank you again For Letting me know Why I don't have Friends like you. I can't Forgive you. Rin I realy don't care iF this Hurts your Feeling. Because You've Hurt Mine For a long time Now. From the Stupid Bit** ACORSS the Street. At (address here)-You done this. Not Me!!!!!

You No what's realy F***ed up I wasted my tine
writting this Letter.
Even though I will always Be the one F*** up Sh**.
are the Blame.
SO I just wasted my
Ink time and breath.

P.S. I mile hate myself for saying the things I said in the letter But, You had the chance. God forgive me. In the Next 10 years, I would hope that things would work out between US. But, they will never ever Be like it was before. I'm mot sorry For saying my peace of mind. Only that You (underlined) understand that My feeling hurt more than yours Due to the Fact, I had believed yall were(underlined) Family. I hope (underlined) You have a great Marriage, I won't Be around to get Blamed again!!
And that's Your Fault once again.

Yours Truely the ****** across the Mother F***ing Steet.


Well, there you have it, in all it's glory! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Why can I not get this out of my head?

Oh, my.
It doesn't sound like there is any reasoning with this poor woman. Any response by you would just trigger the firestorm all over again.

Stick with your plan ... leave her alone and focus on the important things. You won't have any impact on her other than to keep stirring up the fight, and you don't need that.

Wow. What a letter!! No wonder it's upsetting to you. I'm sure it's all just as upsetting to her. The two of you just need to stay far away from each other now until everything is much less volatile.

You must live in a heck of a great neighborhood to have such close relationships with all of your neighbors.

-AmI

HI, AmI, thanks I really need the affirmation right now! As far as the R with N, it was/is a group of the three of us, in a little triangle. We were always BBQing, kid's b-day party, adult B-day party, if someone was in the hospital, etc. I didn't really talk to her all that much because she talked to H. I didn't want to talk to her and there ne a triangle of he said she said!

We have a B-day party to go to at the GN's (good neighbor) house in two weeks. The little one will be celebrating her first B-day. GN has expressed her expectation of both of us being there without any trouble. I said that I wouldn't have a problem with that, she said I know you don't hold grudges, if anyone does it will be HN. So, needless to say, I'm nervous about the function! I don't think I want anything to do with her (HN)!

Rin,

Her opinions are just that...and you know that...hold onto that...

Could she be hitting your hidden fears...secret beliefs? Use this letter to unfold them, gently to self...and ferret them out...hold them up to your adult light...

Do you fear you drove DH to an A?

Do you fear he wants to get away from you, from who you really are?

Do you fear her, any longer, for designs on your H?

This was the HN you guys took care of at the bar? She is in emotional turmoil...and it isn't about you, except one thing...that phrase...that phrase that she hears in her head, over and over again...the B**** across the street...which I believe is the definition she never wanted to be...and yes, projection...she is drowning in blaming and blame...choking on it...however...the card you sent...which talked about how people should be...was that your truth? Was that saying you were forgiving her...or telling her to forgive you? Try that with blame and forgetting, too.

That doesn't mean you caused this letter...hers is hers...knowing your intent, acting from your standard and not from your wishful child...that's your path...and the way for this to be what it is, not bigger or smaller...living in context.

Can you hear what she's really saying? She's hurt...terribly hurt...doesn't mean by you...she feels pain, betrayal, judgment, fear, shame, anger and she's grieving something...and maybe doesn't know how...like knowing better and doing it anyway...hoping to ease what cannot be eased from biting back.

"What you intended for harm, God intended for good..."(Joseph talking to his brothers)...because Joseph saw it...

And you do, too. I know you do. Meditate on this today and tell me what you feel...tomrrow.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA- I'm not sure that I understood what you wrote but I wanted to say that I have never called her that. MOF, I've said it once and that was right after she left and I called DH crying and upset. I said that I had just kicked that (B) out of my house!

I think she has self-proclaimed this!

These are things I can answer now! No, I do not believe I grove DH to have an A, and I know that DH wants to be around me.

I think NH's fantasy is/has crumbled. I have to think more on where I feel she will still have a design on DH. She is indeed the one I cared for at the bars, I actually carried her at one point. She asked me why I wouldn't let her touch the things on the wall at one place, and I said that I didn't want her to get in trouble and that I loved her. I thought things were fine, we are did, until the letter arrived. My hidden fears...no...hope for the future...YES! A fear of the future...that's where I am. I'm scared that there will be no future where we can put our differences aside for BBQs, parties, etc.

It funny that you talk about meditating...I just started reading a section on meditation...so, I have a few ideas; however, I will wait to reply. I feel there are some things I DO need to look into first.

Thank you, you did reaffirm the thoughts that I was thinkings.

Hi Rin,
I think you should just leave CN (crazy neighbor) alone. She has major issues and you have your own to deal w/ right now. I agree w/ LA that something CN hit on struck a cord w/ you maybean inner fear. But that you to look at you don't need help from CN for that!

ChaCha- Thanks, I plan to do some investigating into self. I may try the "Mirror of Truth." I do plan to try the meditation also. I'd like to see what else I can find, you know my buried treasure! LOL

Hey Rin,
I agree with CC.
Work has been crazy and cutting into my posting time.

Why put so much valuable energy into the neighbor's stich?

I would turn the other cheek and focus on my own relationships and hope she just leaves you alone.
Is that even possible or am I not getting something here??

Blind

Rin,

They are all correct! Ignore this person but if the kids are outside still smile or say Hi to them. Be the "Adult" here. My god, that woman sounds like my 8 year old daughter without the swearing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We just had our first counseling center with Jennifer from MB. One of the things she was very clear on is protecting your extra ordinary precautions. Example given is when someone asks "how your family is" regardless of what is going on at home our are to tell them "GREAT!" In your case, treat it like that. It is none of their business what happens in your home. This is probably something you should discuss with your husband also so that you are in POJA about this and he understands why.

Anyway, you sound a lot better and a lot more positive. I know I have not been posting much here but have been checking up on you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have a good night Rin,


7142 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

First of all, thank you all for your posts!I'm always inspired to look beyond the surface and into deeper waters.

I had started a post this morning but I lost it.


Because it's in my nature to nurture! I enjoy caring for others in their time of need, and for that I ask nothing in return. My heart tells me that HN needs help, and she's crying out for it! Unfortunately, I'm stand-offish because of her personality and behaviors. I know that she has PA behavior, and I have enough of PA behaviors in my own life. At the present time, I can't take on sharing what I know about owning, self, and loving yourself. I also feel that I have to let go and let her learn from her mistakes. This is not the first time she has alienated people. Her own family treats her like a dog, her mother has cursed her lower than dirt, her in-laws don't like her, and they have very few friends and just lost two more.

When I was doing Owning all your villagers, she was the person at the top of my list, not OW but HN. Why? Because we're the same but different. Everything I dislike in her is in me. SHe is who I was only worst, IMO. I can't change her or control her so, I walk away.

LA- I don't know if you would call it meditation because I tried twice and went to sleep.

Here what I got. She intended the letter to hurt, but the information sent was a cry for help and I need to help her help herself. I also thought that the letter was intended for hurt and like HN said "true colors" have been shown and this is intended to emilinate clutter from my life, so that I can focus on the my situation.

Since I didn't feel that meditation worked well for me, this morning I did Truth in the Mirror. I've found that I still don't like her. I can tolerate her in me life and live peacefully. I don't want anything more that, I guess, acquinantances. I don't know what a little more would be without becoming friends, but then again, if this was designed to bring her and I closer than I would have to accept that.

I did write my our letter this morning between 2 and 5. I have no intentions of sending it at this point, it's mine. I would like to share it with you also.

To my dearest HN, (LOL)

First, I am sorry that you still feel that I blame you for problems in my M. I don't; no one person has that much power. I am also sorry for your hurt. I don't feel you were clear in your letter what really is hurting you. I read that your past experiences are affecting our future and that you are still hurt by them.

The point of my card was not to ask for your forgiveness. I was sharing with you my feelings and hopes for a brighter future. I don't wish for the way things were between us. I expect better. I do believe that you have had inappropriate fondness for my husband. As a result of those feelings, I feel that you faced me as an enemy and not as a friend the day you came to my home. I felt attacked. I felt that my feelings, thoughts and beliefs were discredited and I was belittled when you imposed your own on me. I feel that you overstepped my boundardies.

Neither you nor I can change the past and as for as the HN I know, she's not a stupid B****H. The HN I see is smart, lovable, funny, fun-loving, pretty, has overcome great odds, caring, well-intentioned, and I could go on to list more positive things about you! At the same time, I know you're faults which I overlook. I feel that you have looked at me as a threat, intimidate prehaps by my education level. I feel that's the day that you started treating me differently. It's just paper! I am not smarter than you are; it's just in different areas that we excell. I believe we are equal; not inferior nor superior to each other.

My door is always open, unless I feel my personal boundaries are being overstepped again. I would not come into your house and disrespect you by saying that you wanted a D, your M was over, and all you and your DH do is fight. Even if it were true, I don't feel that it's my place to mind; the two of you would need to work that out.

I don't want the R we had, filled with poor communication, and to be honest, I'm just hoping to be civil right now. I want to be able to wave to you, talk to the kids, share celelbrations without our situation affecting our kids, husbands, and Ns. That's what I would like now, the rest remains to be seen.

I valued your letter, it was good information to know.If you are up for it; I wouldn't mind continuing to write each other until we can communicate better face to face.

Love always,

Rin

Oh, I wanted to say that I finished reading Noami Judd's book. It was a plesure.

I have began my next and I was wondering if anyone has heard of it, "The Dance of Connection." On the cover it says how to talk to people when you are frustrated, angry, betrayed, etc. Well, I'm not to far into it and the author has mentioned PA behavior. She talks about being afraid to use your voice.

Now, I thought this was a different sort of book, but I'm really excited about the content.

LA- I wanted you to know that I read on AmI's thread that you had an uneasy morning. If you need someone to ListeN, I would be honored too! I'll keep the magic fix it wand hidden too! LOL

Rinderella,

Thanks for the post.

The kid front has been hectic.

First OS got the flu. Then the YS got it.

I am at a great deal of peace right now.

Which sig line is in her book the insanity one or the honest person one?

I am glad things are going well for you. I have been checking your post but the whole N thing I have no advice for. Or at least it seems like others advice is different then what I would give. LOL. I think they have a better way of handling it then I would.

Making some progress in the M. What I notice though is it seems like once one thing gets put out there it seems like there is more. I don't know. Like just scratching the surface or the Tip of the iceberg.

Oh, I feel for your boys! Poor Hearts! Mine are doing well, since I'm not yelling like I use to the three of us get along a lot better.

I find that they are more apt to do what I request from them. I know I'm not LBing with them all the time. They haven't been punished in a while. Now, the YS well, being four, he's still self-centered and say for instance if I tell him that he has to stop playing the 4 wheeler game, I get a crying tantrum. Even if I say okay in __ minutes, it will be time to quit playing and...I'm still getting the same response...I'm thinking of another approach becasue I'm tired of getting the same results and it's not just with the game.

Yes, I was talking about the insanity line. Your sig line was the first time I've seen it and I was amazed that it was in the book. It was a great book, my GN has it now, and I started reading "The Dance Of Connection," How to talk to someone when you're mad, hurt, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or desperate by Harriet Lerner. She also wrote "The Dance Of Anger." It's good too, but I'm a little slower on this one, because of my sleeping problem. I can't read for more than five minutes before I can't keep my eyes open.

This morning I came to work, stayed an hour, and went home to bed. I came back after lunch. I'm really cutting back on my activities to rest up more. Nap in the afternoon before DH gets home, only what I have to right now.

OH, wow, DH told me he has noticed that I'm more self-aware. Said he has been telling me that I needed to be more self-aware for years, that I needed to take better care of myself, etc. And during a convo, yesterday, I called him for something, well he called HN a B. I was shocked, so later, I told him I was offended by it and that she didn't deserve it. He said he didn't even remember doing it. I said she's trying to do the best she can with the resources she has. He was Djing her all over the place.

He started La's Owning Villagers exercise last night. We'll see if he goes back to it and completes it. He's got a list of uhm...seven characteritics on her alone right now. It's good info for me, just knowing the traits, I think!

LA-I might need your help with this, if you don't mind.

Well, I'll get back to you later!

Good for you!!!!

Kids are kids. LOL. My kids are exactly the same. The big difference now is that I have stopped disciplining them when it is her job to do it. IE I used to get calls at work to do it.

I am glad your H comes here I know it will be helpful. My FWW has refused. As a matter of fact she refuses to read anything regarding adultry because she is not comfortable being called anything like the adulterer or wayward spouse or anything other then a good person that has made some bad decesions. So far I have not found that book. LOL.

I told her I wasn't goint to move to NC the other day. We had a blow up of course. Then I told her she cannot make me trust her. She can earn it. She spent so much time trying to lie and deceive I can't trust her now.

Put it to bed. Now it seems like there are consequences to her actions that any resonable person would agree with. So she seems like she wants to try a little harder to earn back what she has lost.

Any way the sig line I heard one time. I think it might be an AA saying. I am not sure. I heard it and I liked it.