Rin,

IMHO there is only so much you can do and are responsible for.

I have joked many times about our spouses being similar.

Something your wrote about him really hit home.


You pegged it as CA. In a sense that may be true.

What I have found in my R is that my FWW "claims" this but in all reality here is how it works.

She is CA when she has done something hurtful or wrong her idea of working through the sitch is just to say I am sorry and move on. When I am the one who does something hurtful or wrong there is no CA on her part. She is willing to get into a full blown conflict.

It actually seems like it all loops back to PA behavior. Always becoming the victim.

When my FWW is wrong or hurtful then she is the victim because I get mad. When I am wrong and hurtful she is the victim because I was wrong and hurtful.

Who is the CA benifitting? The PA person.

When my FWW says this to me I point out how she acts when she is upset with me. Then I point out I didn't react anywhere close to this. So if she is really trying to avoid conflict why is it she only avoids it when she is wrong?

Take a look back and see when he is CA. I have found the only time my FWW avoided it is when I had a right to be angry, upset whatever. Then she would avoid it. If I pressed the issue then guess what conflict came. Even when she was wrong.

Don't know if this is what your H is doing but look back and see if this holds true.

I had this beautifully thought out post this morning and low and behold I could not post it. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

HL- Yes, I agree with the CA and I can't allow myself to look into it more because I get so angry with being a pawn in his game. If it comes up again, which I thank you for calling that to my attention, I will note the behavior, right then and there. DH doesn't like it either when I call attention to his PA behavior. LOL

It's always poor me around here with DH. Unwilling to assess himself, blaming and trying to fix things.

Oh, and if something's not right with my healthy I'm treated like the plague, whether it's a cold sore or pink-eye. I'm something not to be touched, and I get a cheek to peck for goodbyes. I see old patterns coming back in to play, it's no more mister nice guy.

I'm truely trying soooo hard to stay focused on here and now, not yesterday and not tomorrow, but I feel like I'm being treated like an outcast.

THERE IS NO INTIMACY! NONE!NO talking, no touching, no RC time, nothing. I barely get looked at, and if he sees I'm loooking at him, I get WHAT? Why are you looking at me that way?

I refuse to live like this, I can't, I'll go insane! I'm tired of all the negative stuff!

Oh, Rin.

(((((hugs)))))

It sucks, I know. Remember, like you've told me so many times .... patience. Breathe.

He'll get there. In the meantime, you have to recognize the things that he IS doing.

He IS home. He IS staying away from OW. He IS helping you learn to ride your bike, and at least there is a peck on the cheek -- better than nothing!

You're not going to have to live like this forever, this is temporary. Don't focus on the negative stuff, focus on the positives.

Hang in there!!!!

(I would give you hugs, I'm not afraid of pink-eye!)

-AmI.

Rin,

You saw the link on grief and the Tear process.

R being accept the new reality.

That is where you need to get. The old reality is gone.

What is the new reality?

I posted my new reality of my sitch with my FWW on the PA thread.

Oh by the way I turned CA into consequence avoidence not Conflict Avoidence in my M and it makes more sense. If there is a consequence to her actions she avoids it.

Sounds like your DH.

In closing look at your M as a beutiful piece of art. It takes many brushstrokes and time to create a masterpiece. I don't think you just want to slap some paint on the walls with a roller. Take your time and be patient.

You seem to be wanting to change rapidly that is to your benefit. The DH also benefits from not changing a little so he might not want to work as fast as you.

BTW the whole sick thing I am the same way. I think it is a guy thing. Partly because I was the bread winner I couldn't afford to get sick. I would help her and stuff but I wasn't going to cuddle up next to someone contagious(sp)

Well, the sick thing makes my feel better, regarding the guy thing, because I sure was feeling like the hidous monster. He's so negative right now, it's killing me. Everyday's a bad day for him! How do you deal with so much negativity? It makes it really hard to smile and be happy when that's around. I think that what's driving me crazy. It feels like the old and I'm trigging my behinie off.

I'm doing great not to talk about R; haven't brought up the subject in a while, being stuck in this house the past two days is killing me too. It'll be good to go back to work tomorrow! LOL I've cleane the boy's room, three and a half garabage bags. (Toys, clothes, old shoes, CANDY PAPER, that's a no-no, I don't allow eating in bedrooms, and the DIRT, amazing!) LOL No grumbling, I was happy to do it and didn't say a word negative when they saw it. They were just happy that it was clean, and they knew that mom owns the legos again. They have to show me that they can keep the room clean in order to earn them back, and I don't expect my level of clean either! LOL

Do I seem impatient, I thought I was doing good with the patience thing? Well, I am slower than I was! DH scares me, I can't think about the past at least a large part of it. Oh, that's what I need to grieve. I read it and I thought it was good info! I'll go back and read it again. I wasn't angry about the past, I thought I had given up my resentment and anger. Well, the resentment doesn't feel like it's there, but I'm angry all right, anytime I think about giving in, and the manipulation. I could scream! So, I don't think about it, or ty not to. I mean there's no point, can't change it.

AmI said that her DH said she didn't have a backbone, that's the way I feel with DH sometimes. Like the other night, he doesn't call, a friend calls, next thing you know I'm up there telling myself I'm doing it for the kids. So they can see all the bikes. I need to stand my ground more.

Okay, thank, I'm not in a great place today. I know it's okay to be here. I've been doing the comfort eating thing for a while, got to stop that, it's costing me some pounds I have to lose now! I feel lost and I know I'm right here, things are good, DH is here with me and the kids trying! I've got a roof over my head, a good job, arhhh!

OKay, I'm stopping not! I'm choosing to stop being down and learn the lesson at hand. Take care of me or I get to stay home with pink eye or worse if I don't! LOL Eat right, get plenty of rest, focus, recenter, getr' done! LOL

Thanks for listening!

Okay, I'm much calmer than I was earlier. H was in a better mood it seems. I had dinner ready shortly after he got home, and had the kids playing in their room. I still feel a huge distance between the two of us. It wasn't there a few weeks ago, but it's there not. It's scary to me, I want to withdraw but don't because I know it's my child wanting to protect me.

DH doesn't say much unless it's about motorcycles, TV show, friends, etc. Right now, he's bring home a friend of ours. Come to find out, him and his wife are separated, friend's staying at a hotel, his wife at home. DH is suppose to go ride bikes with him tomorrow. Knowing what I know I'm s little worried but I have to put that behind me. I can't control what DH does, where he goes, or anything having to do with it. I'm a little nervous but almost okay with it and if something does happen, I have to stand firm and not be the rescuer. I know this and I can do this! I can do this. I need to do it for me! Just me!

Thanks for keeping tabs on me the pass few days. It means alot. You guys are always in my heart!

Oh, Rin!

The legos...what a great boundary enforcement...and I remember them so well...and stepping on them barefoot...had a rule...if I stepped on them, they were trashed.

And then Grandma would send more.

LOL

You got your room in order...you caught yourself going into the forever land when it was just a few days...not giving each day unto itself...and yes, reclaiming your routine of work will help a lot...you knew that and looked for it.

I have no idea when you said that he doesn't call, a friend calls, what that meant.

I hear you knowing your vulnerabilities, seeing more clearly how you react, what is your old way and your new...and reaching for those tools to adjust your present.

How glorious! Awareness doesn't mean fixing...you know that. Good job. And you caught your sons' delight in their clean room...you got the admiration and appreciation...and you already had it in yourself.

Oh, I see wonders. I do!

This isn't false self-soothing (like the emotional eating)...this is real awareness of all that is, not just the parts you look at.

What great friends you have here...full of advice, which helps them and others, even as they give it. Helped me.

Thank you for being who you are, Rin...every single day.

LA

RMFAO- I can't bare to throw away legos. They were/still are my favorite toy. It's what I did as a child. I would build real elaborate houses with computers, stove, frig., furniture, you name it. I once had a goal to use every piece I own in a creation, almost worked, and i was really happy with my art. I still play with them from time to time but the kids will beg me over and over to keep building and I can't. LOL I have them to expand their imagination, not mine. My imagination has no problem running away with itself! LOL

I do feel "like" I've been locked away for forever! I did enjoy getting some things done around here. I love the final result. I know the kids are attached to those legos like I am/was so I know they will try really hard to earn them back. Get motivator! LOL

I do have some wonderfully amazing people here! I'm very blessed to be able to share each day with all of you, to learn and be aware of a process.

Thank you all!

Oh, we went through the Lego phase!!

DS LOVED them, and I was always stepping on them ... drove me nuts.

One year in school, I think it was second or third grade, he was learning how to do research on the computer. We told him if he researched Lego Land and planned the trip, then we'd go there.

This kid had maps and hotels and driving directions ... all the way down to having picked out a parking spot by the ned of the week.

We took the kids there, and they LOVED it. It's probably one of my favorite vacations, too. They had huge models, and everything was made out of Legos. They had New York City, all the major Capitals and Monuments from all over the world ... Anything you could imagine, they had built in Legos! It was incredible!!

Definitely the right age range for your kiddos ... it's built a little bit younger than a Disney. Ours LOVED it and still talk about it as one of their favorite vacations.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sorry for the TJ, just caught my attention with the Lego talk!
DS is 13 now and still keeps his Legos and plays with them often. In fact, he's asking for another Lego set for his upcoming birthday.

-AmI.

AmI,

You will find kids don't outgrow legos...or playing...I'm pretty sure...because my 22-year-old son, a father to be, still gets excited if they're available.

And I cherish that.

(Great vacation you did...you and Rin know I was a sucky mother, right? That would have been sooo cool...all I did was email the kids pictures of the lego Cathedral)

LA

LOL, LA, I can't imagine that! LOL

Okay, there some truth for you. I had a suitcase growing up. You know the smaller in the set. Well, I gave it to OY some yeaers ago. I think it was back in March, i saw a flea market here in town. I had never stopped before but the kids and I decided to that day. There was a huge box of legos for sell, OY wanted them. So, I told him he would have to use his report card money ($5 per A, kind of thing), well he bought the book for $5. Then we stopped at the dollar store for him to buy a container to store them in, with his money!

Well, we now have A 5 GALLON CONTAINER FULL, I mean FULL...almost can't close the top of legos. They are only allowed to play with them in their room. LOL No need to buy more here would you say? I'm sure I'll have to hire a laywer when they both move out to divid them! LOL

I would have loved to see Legoland! We didn't travel hardly any when I was growing up. DS has seen more of the country in his eight years then I have my entire life! I think that great, I'm sure he'll be well rounded! The little one will have his chance too, I'm sure! DH's mom and SD are great. Now, they are truely a blessing to have in my life. I've always said if something were to happen with DH and I, I would move closer to them! LOL DH would never have to worry about seeing the boys! LOL They are wonderful!

AmI-Now, I don't consider that a TJ! The more the merry for the greatest topic in the world...my beloved LEGOS! Some girls played with dolls...I had my legos! There's a fantasy I can drive into easily and be lost for hours!

Oh, LA- DH didn't call me last Thurs. to go up there with him, a friend called to joke with me about not going. Regardless, I didn't do what I intended and that was stay home to rest, but OS did get to ride home on the back of dad's bike that night. YS is too small to reach the pegs. He just made four and he's JUST getting to wear 3T clothes, most still fall off his butt and he needs a belt. He's little like his Mom! :::Cheesing smile from ear to ear:::

Dynamite comes in small packages! Boy, he's got some kick to him! (Can you see the pride?)

See I figured out a long time ago that a parent's goal is to try to make your kids come out better than you have in life. The way I figure it I've accomplished that, their lives are better than mine was growing up. Now, It's just to do my best to keep them on the straight and narrow. Teach good morals! Don't give into peer pressure like I did. I think that going to be my biggest task at hand to teach. Just be that unique individual that they are! Just my two cents...

Well, I need to carry my behinie back to bed for some sleep since nothing else is happening there. Yeah, I'm frustrated about it too! I'm craving some affection, almost like I crave chocolate! LOL Yeah, that's pretty bad! LOL

Starting out to be a great day at work! I had two books come in while I was gone. The one I'm excited about is Self-Matters by Dr. Phil. I'm excited to read with one, of course, it may be things you guys/gals have shared with me here, but reinforcement is always great!

Anyone read this one?

OMG, OMG, OMG! I'm getting to the reality that I'm dealing with full blown PA Behavior. How can DH do such wonderful things for me something and be so hurtful others? What does it my them feel superior? Is it just inner child? What's the theory behind PA behavior?

I posted on SHMI's thread. It's crazy, no wonder there are days when I thnk I can't handle this. I need to become selfish, for me and my kids. He's grown he can care for himself. Why should I plan A when everything is about his needs in the first place? it's not like he's going to wake up and go "Oh, maybe if I do this for Rin..." No, I get skipped over for holidays, my b-day,...I always make sure he's got gifts and everything he needs...

Oh, DH doesn't like that I'm becoming more self-aware, that I'm changing. He's more quite now than he was before. It's like he's scare to me.

Okay, so do I understand that if I find my authentic self then I will be able to deal with the PA behavior or anything else for that matter in a respectful, loving and true manner?

I guess I'm trying to figure out the payoff (total picture), put the puzzle pieces together.

Oooohhhhhhhhhhh.....Legos! Not to be confused with Legolas (the elf from Lord of the Rings - I used to have a screen saver of Legolas on my laptop, and my daughter used to kiss him goodnight everynight. MP likes Orlando Bloom, so she approved of DD's choice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I digress...)

It is true - one never outgrows Legos. I have a few sets (Star Wars) myself. DS and DD both love Legos. I'd love to get my hands on the Star Destroyer or Y-Wing kits myself, but they're $100-$200 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

MP and I have a phrase we use when cleaning house - ADL (Another D*mn Lego). I think I coined it one night after stepping on the third or fourth one in my bare feet.

Someday we hope to hit Lego Land ourselves...assuming we can scrape together the money for a vacation someday.


DS is 12, and almost 5'2', but thin as a bean pole. Finding pants that don't fall of his waist is very hard...I've never seen anybody that can grow vertically so much without growing at least a little horizontally.

DD is 4, wearing 5T (I think) and size 11 shoes. Girl's going to be tall (I'm only 5'6" myself, but MP is 5"8"). Keeping her and brother in clothes that fit is an interesting budget challenge, that's for sure. She'd probably love to meet you guys - she's got an amazing fascination with motorcycles, considering that neither MP or I ride. The other day she told me that she wanted a motorycle - with training wheels - for her 5th birthday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can see her riding a motorcycle when she's older...she's been riding a bike (2 wheel) since she was 2, and right after she turned 4 the training wheels came off.

Kids and legos are fun. I'll stop my T/J here now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, see, I'm going to have to consider that a DJ. LOL When you stop by to share with me, I don't consider that a TJ. You are simplily contributing or sharing info for the cause! What cause you may ask? Whatever causes me to be in a good humor! LOL

Do you live way far away in the next kingdom? LOL And what SuperHero would you like to be? Would you like to be Hans Solo? I think the Wookie is already taken! LOL

Thanks for stopping by!

Sorry for the DJ - I'll try and behave better on your thread, I promise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't live in a galaxy far, far away, though there have been times when I wished I did - or at least had the Force. Just imagine what I could do to OM if I had the Force <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Superhero? That's easy. Daredevil, hands down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (MP prefers Spider-Man, which works for me, since the two team up quite a bit).

Han Solo? Nah.....Wedge Antilles. No contest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (Though both Han and Wedge are from the same planet - Corellia).

I should warn you now that I have way too much trivia running around in my head in regards to SW. I think I worried my wife when I told her I could listen to certain parts of the soundtrack and quote the dialogue that goes along with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm....maybe I should change my name from healingbird to RogueLeader? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, LOL, now that may have been to much info for me, Healing! LMAO

well, I asked DH about the book...made a point not to accuse...for that wasn't my intention at all...

He asked what the name was and didn't react all the well when told...I said I didn't chose the title and wasn't trying to label him...it's a behavior I'm trying to learn about and it's nice to put a name to what I've been dealing with all these years. (My perceptive!) He said yea, but you did order the book. He said that he hoped all this reading was doing me some good. I said yes, one way or another. Well, he mubbled something and was out the door.

well, Dh called me to find out what I meant by one way or another. I explained that everything I was learning was helping me in one way or another. I know that I have PA behaviors that I'm trying to eliminate and if someone wrote a book on someone else and I can learn from it so be it. I said I know I've done the silent treatment and when I have something on my mind I need to speak up. I said I wasn't trying to chamge him because I'm imcapable of doing so.

So, of course, the conversation was changed to why I haven't ordered the book he wanted. So, I said I would get to it today no later then Friday. Done!