Hi everyone- I just changed my user name- was jmjm. I keep discovering more- my husband has been in 2 EA'a, although one was on-line (lasted a year), and I'd call it more than an EA b/c they were having "cyber-sex". FOR A YEAR. Honestly, 75% of the time I'm ready to give up, and the other 25% I think I have to try to get through it for the kids. We've been married 6 years, and he's been chatting and getting involved with women on-line the WHOLE time. I discovered all of this after catching him in an EA with a woman at work. He's getting counselling , and I plan on getting some too. I've read a lot on this web site, and gotten some good advice. The fact is, I just think it's gone on too long, and the lies have been too great for me to EVER get over it. Do I continue to live under the same roof hating him, or move on? Either way, my girls will suffer. I'm so frustrated and confused. Occasionally, I still feel love for him, and see a glimmer of hope, but then I think about all the lies and games, and think HOW can I ever get past that to truely love him again?!? God, I just don't know what to do. Life is to short to waste anymore time on someone who can hurt me like that without a second thought. ANY advice would be helpful- thanks!

I think I have said this to you before.

You need to be 100% sure you want it to end. Not for a day or a week but for a period of time. Thats what my mom told me.

You can get past it if he starts being honest, stops contact with others and focus' on you and your M.

I am going through the same thing right now but when I weighed the negatives and positives I keep staying.

YOH I needed to hear that today!

COnfused... I am feeling the same. Mine is not uncovering anymore, but I have been there before. I needed COmplete honest in one lump before I felt better. EA part of my WH SA was the hardest part for me.

Good luck and I think I will take YOHs advice and hang in there.

Thanks- YOH- I agree, I'm definitely not 100% sure. There are so many things to consider. I'm not yet back to work, so by the end of the day I'm so desperate for adult interaction that I'd take just about anyone for conversation. I hope this "dependency" on him that is swaying my thoughts. Mostly, I think it's the kids. He's an awesome dad, and my 3-yr old can't even handle it when he's late from work. I'm just so wishy-washy right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and the one person in the world that I NEEDED to trust, no longer exists. I'm really afraid for what's to come. I'd love to believe him, but he's been lying to me for as long as we've been married. I will stick it out for now...may need support, though.

cfc- I'm with you girl! I guess I'll try to hang in. He's lucky he's a good dad. If we had no kids, I definitely would have left temporarily.

I am 4 months past d-day and I still struggle with this hatred feelings.

I am MUCH better now, we might be strarting Recovery for a week now, but until then for the past 2 months it has been really hard for me to deal with these feelings and I just wished to D.

The solution is that we have to stand up and fihght this feelings. WS actions helps a lot of course.

How commited to M is he?
Is there still contact?

I am better now, but still have many of those daily.

Hang in there. Thank God he's a good father.

I have good days and bad...more bad right now. I hope things will change. I believe that he's totally committed now, and he's communicated more over the last few weeks than he ever has. I believe he is changing. I just hope it's not too late for us. I hope the damage he's done is something I can eventually get past. It's just gone on for SOOOOO long, and I feel like such a fool for not knowing this side of him.

He is applying for new jobs to cut off complete contact, and he is no longer on the internet...for ANYTHING while under my roof. Whatever needs to be done gets done at work, or while I'm with him. I'm just worried b/c it's been going on for so long, can he really do a 180 over night and change everything he's ALWAYS done? Can I really trust that? Fear of losing us is driving him right now, but what about when that wears off?! I've just got so many unanswered questions....I'll hang in there. though, thanks.

confused, boy have you been reading my mind. My situation is different but results are very similar.

We have 3kids under 11yrs that are the only thing holding this "relationship" together right now. Wait, that's too pessimistic, they are the major thing holding it together.

It has taken about 18mos (going on 1yr of physical separation) for my H to "get it". He started IC about 5mos ago and he's definitely made some huge changes.

One of his core issues however, has not changed. He has a very difficult time placing my best interest infront of his own at times when it would be uncomfortable for him to do so. He can do it for minor things like stopping off at the grocery store or taking the kids when I'm having a bad day.

When it comes to the crunch of acceptable behavior with women he seems to freeze. Recently he spent 2wks in Vegas which he realized was very difficult for me. When he returned he received a late night call from a male friend who passed the phone around the table to several female friends that he had been out with several times in Vegas. Of course this is the first I heard of any "mixed outings".
He did not mention to these girls that he was with me, just the non commital "not too much" when they asked what he was up to.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I started out to share how changes can and are happening in something that has been dragging on for quite some time. I'm still not "in love " with this new person, I'm not sure I totally trust that the changes will stick. Obviously that core issue of making me a priority during times that make him uncomfortable still needs some work.

Do you find your H defensive and justifying his actions in the present or is he holding himself accountable? Are you witholding your feelings because you are afraid of being hurt again and not being able to handle it emotionally? This is defintely one of my issues.

Anyways as much as I'm sorry you're joining this club, it is comforting to know there's someonelse out there who isn't "in love" with their H but is still working of the M.
Thanks for the comapny, I guess I'm not crazy after all.

Big if. Sorry, but I am unfamiliar with your situation other than this post, so I ask, what has he done to overcome this addiction? Has he had IC. If he doesn't identify what causes him to act this way, he will repeat this behavior over and over again.

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but it sure is a possibility that you need to consider.

Who

Hi apl- sounds like we're in the same boat. My H has finally come out with EVERYTHING and quit being defensive. I asked him to admit everything to his family and get counseling. Admitting all the dirty details to other people, and seeing the crime through his mom's eyes, sister'e eyes and eyes of a therapist has made him realize and own what he did. it has hit him like a ton of bricks. he finally gets it. Now I'm trying to figure out where to go from here....I've got to find a way to rediscover the love I had for him at one time. It is just so damn hard...

Confused

You do need to cut your dependance for adult interaction. Start a play group with other moms or go to one that is already active. Call your friends on the phone and chat it up. I know it is hard with the kids but it would be good for you.

I boiled it down the other day and realized I am staying for my kids. My 6 year old waits at the door for me with a baseball glove every night. Couldn't imagine 50% of the time me not walking through that door. Not to sound selfish but I don't want any other man as a father figure to them. The 10 year old would be destroyed also. I used to be the one that did all the diciplining(no spanking) just talking, sometimes yelling and taking stuff away. I told my FWW she needed to deal with them when she was there and they were bad. She used to call me on the phone to take care of it. She doesn't handle it very well and I am his buffer now.

So I know what you mean about the children.

I now realize I am not going to change the FWW. I get mad as ****** sometimes about that. I want more. I deserve more. I just don't think I am going to get it so now it is easier to deal with. If you get what you expect you are not dissappointed. If you get more then you will be happy.

Who- he has begun counselling and has admitted to the addiction. I agree that he has to figure out where it came from, and he keeps saying it's b/c "we had grown apart" I was aware of this as well, but didn't feel the need to start relationships with other men. I think there's much more to the reasons behind the addiction and the lies. i need to know. We're putting a lot of stock in counselling. (IC & MC)...

Hi yoh- I totally agree with you. I don't want any other women around my girls, and honestly, H is the best dad they could have. I hate the thought of having to share them, or them not seeing him for any amount of time. I think your feelings about your kids are what he's feeling right now, and why he's so scared.

On the other hand, what message are we sending staying together for the kids? Kids pick up on tension between their parents, and even my 3 year old knows when I'm "mad at daddy"- which is more often than not these days. Everything is so fresh right now, I won't make any decisions now. But he's forced me to think about all these things. His actions over the last 6 years have made me reevaluate all my plans and goals for the future of myself and my children. And, as selfish as this sounds, I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to stick around 5 years and have this happen again. Then I'm 5 years older, with 2 kids, getting a divorce. Let's face it, men have any easier time moving on at any age...

Well take control of your feelings and your actions.

Example I think you know the story of the new apartment. Last night FWW comes out and tells me turn the TV down for the 50th time since we moved into new apartment. I started getting agitated because it was never a problem in the old apartment. I like the TV loud enough to hear when they are speaking softly so when they do I don't miss what they say. Commercials are louder etc. I calmly said to FWW this was never a problem in the old apartment.

She got mad at me stormed off and started mumbling about how I am never going to let her live it down. I usually follow and give her my two cents. I didn't. She came out and tried to reengage in a negative way I refused. I like watching TV at night and on nights I can't sleep I may watch TV until 1 or 2 in the morning in the living room. She told me I need to start reading because it was no longer acceptable to watch TV that late. She actually told me it was inconsiderate.

I asked her so since we moved in here, like you wanted, I have to change what I do? She said yes. I said ok I will. Can you please let me know the volume on the TV that is acceptable to you for now. I will go out and buy a wireless headset this weekend so as not to be inconsiderate to the whole family. I appologize and I will stop being inconsiderate until I get the headset.

Boy did that throw her for a loop. She couldn't go to sleep because she felt like crap. She came out and appologized to me for what she said about me being inconsiderate.

So now I control my own feelings and my own destiny. I will not fight with her in front of the kids. I will not get mad anymore because I am going to put in what I get out unless she agrees to meet my emotional needs. This may not be ideal but heck at least my kids don't see us fight. There is actually no tension because the cause of my tension were my expectations of how I should be treated by her. I lowered those and now she is meeting them.

Plus you are only 30 women get better with age like a fine wine.

Hey confused~
I feel your pain. I too struggle with the same issues that you are.
Dwelling on the past is not positive. Keep in mind that the future is what your building for yourself and kids. Keep yourself and kids in focus first over your WH. I'm not implying being selfish. I'm sure there are things that you want to do differently in life and want your husband to join you. When he is busy being an alien it is hard to tolerate. This is where I would structure my life around what you can depend on. Yourself and your kids.

Don't let the alien bring you down. There is some change in preception that must be made to prevent being let down and becoming frustrated. Lowering expectations I think is not the best wording for it. I think of it as shifty your priority from your H to you. Let your H know when he is out of line and over your boundry.

I finally started telling my WW to leave if she could not be honest enough to be my wife. I told her that a marriage is between two people and OM is not part of it. I got to the point I think your at. Frustrated because the WS is not trying to improve things at all. Content to do nothing to heal and improve is what really upset me the most. I finally realized that a way of doing something that was not selfish or a love buster. It was remove myself from the abuse by telling my WW that I will no longer be treated this way. I will not be yelled at, be littled, or disrepectfully treated. She was of course angry right then when I told her this. However, is a way of taking a stand for what is right and moving the affaired torn relationship more towards a marriage.

I also want to say that things get much easier when you keep your focus on something other than your husband. When you get past the fear of losing you WS, your life turns around for the best. I totally understand it is hard to build your self up after this. Respect yourself by making others respect you too. Treat yourself well and ask that other do the same. Love yourself. That is what Plan A is all about. Loving, caring, and improving yourself and growing as a person fromt he inside out. It is not a way to trick the WS to ending the affair or coming home. It is just a way to grow yourself while in the presents of the affair. By doing so, your WS can't help but see your changing and moving in a direction that is not depending and hanging on them. This builds the ingredients for attraction. This type of changes not only make yourself feel better, live better, but also more attractive to the WS.

I want to say your doing great. Keep your chin up and things will turn in your favor. I do agree with the women getting better with age line from above.

Dazed

Confused, yes it's difficult but imagine the benefits if you can recapture those "love" feelings again. I like Dazeds' advice about focusing on you and improving things for yourself.

I too spent all the time at home raising the kids etc..while he continued to take things for granted and ultimately crossed the final line. (I had probably watched him cross the line many times but denial is a great place to live!). I know how difficult it can be when you're ready to have a conversation with the baker just for adlut interaction.

I tried to stay in contact with friends by phone, it's amazing how you can multitask when you need adult company.
Nursing one while cleaning the vomit of the other and continuing the phone conversation is about the best I've ever done. Let me know how that works for you.

Don't do what I've done all these years. Don't be a wallflower, dance! Maybe it will work, maybe it won't but if you don't really throw yourself into it and try you'll always wonder why and what if....

My D-day was almost 4mos ago and I still struggle every day to find something to show me how to love him again. I have to say at least I can enjoy his company again and have started to laugh at his jokes again...so I guess that's progress.

I hope you find an avenue that works for you(then make sure you share, I could still use some tips).

Take care,

Apl...

Four MOS?

Heh, you haven't even really had the chance to get properly MAD yet.

Look out around MO 6.

I agree, dazed. I'm in such a tough spot, right now b/c I have a 2-mo old baby, and a 3-yr old. I don't want to neglect them, just to prove that I can still "have a life". They are my life. I am going to return to working part time, and have some guilt over that. My career is very rewarding and I never realized how much I got from it until now. I don't want to lose my edge in the business and let new grads pass me by, either. I think my H is well aware of what he stands to lose, I just wish it hadn't taken SOOOOO long for him to finally appreciate what he has. I definitely plan on focusing on myself, my kids and my career. He will become a priority when he earns it, and it will take a long time. I've not been a priority to him for 6 years. I become a priority when he might lose me. Very good advice, and you should do the same! Thanks!

hi apl- I, too was Queen of Denial for the last 6 years. We are starting new in our relationship as if we are completely starting over. (and that's not ALL bad) But, we're bringing a lot more emotional baggage this time. I'm trying to hang in, and I'll keep you up-dated, if you let me i on anything that works for you!

Hi YOH- well, I've always had a hang-up with my husband choosing TV over going to bed with me. Ofcourse, completely different circumstances, since his needs were being met elsewhere. My point is, if you're trying to prove a point, I think you're on the right track. Simple answers, no argument. It drives me crazy when I can't engage my H in a heated battle.

But, now the roles have reversed, and I too am using the nonchalant, cool attitude. Particularly when the kids are around. It works like a charm. For the 1st time EVER, he is turning off the TV and trying to have conversations with me. Who IS THIS MAN??!! Anyway, there are many times I truely would rather watch TV or read a book than face harsh reality.

Thanks for the wine comment, it's a nice getsure, but statistics have proven men always go for the younger chics. I could use a glass of fine wine right now...