I've been divorced for 5 years been re-married for 3 years. My ex's wife still likes to jab at me anytime she can. It REALLY hurts. I've NEVER done anything to her or said anything about her. I try VERY hard to get past her evil ways & forgive but there's days where I can't. If you read my past posts you'll see how evil she is. My ex can't stand up to her & takes her side all the time. I never confront her or react when she does something because this is what she wants. She's not happy unless there is fighting between people. She over heard my new husband went to a bar & now him & have have trouble in paridise. She's telling everyone that my husband & I have marriage problems. Yes, my husband went to a bar after work around 3:30pm to have a drink with a good friend of ours as his wife just got diagnosed with breast cancer for the 2nd time. My ex's wife hates my to-be sister-in-law & to get back at my sister-in-law she cut my daughters hair 6 - 8 inches as my twin daughters were going to go camping with
them. I can't say anything because that's what she wants. She is a syco. She wants confrontation. It bothers her more when no one reacts to her. If you react she keeps at it and at it. If we don't react she gives up then tries something later. It does NO good to talk to my ex about her. I'm not an emotional person but I just cried my eyes out. Why does someone have to be so evil? She already brain washed my ex husband now she's working on my twin girls. I've been warned by well known lawyers not to confront her. She FIGHTS until she gets what she wants. She does NOT have any friends, when her name is mentioned they all say how evil she is. It very hard sometimes to get through this. My new husband is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He's very supportive. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get through this all with out being a wreck at times. I get VERY down & worry when my twin girls are at their dads & his wife will sink her claws in my girls (brain wash them) I just DRED when they are gone. My ex is a police officers & gets the girls on his three days off. If they are there any longer like during the summer visitation schedule when he gets them 4 weeks out of the summer 1 week increments the girls change it's almost like they turn against me or us (me & my husband) It's the most terrible feeling. Seems like my ex's wife works her evil just so I am miserable. When the girls are at home I think about them leaving soon to visit their dad & I sometimes get in my own "worry world" that I can't enjoy my girls then sometimes they ask me "what's wrong mommy" They are 10 years old now & sense my feelings. I want the girls to see their dad because that's important. I fear of losing the girls to his wife's evil ways. She is a professional at manipulating anyone. I NEVER talk or say ANYTHING bad about their dad or step mom. The girls think it's all fun there no discipline & it's all fun there. They don't do homework. When the girls are a lone with their step mom that's when she brain washes them. She also forces them to call her MOM. It wouldn't bother me if she was a decent person & the girls wanted to call her mom but she forces EVERYTHING the way she wants it. She has to have it ALL. How can I get through my feelings before & after the girls are gone & when she tries to get to me by telling lies?

Thanks,
Lovemess

LoveMess,
Are you documenting some of these incidents? (Not your emotions or reactions, but the facts -- like she cut their hair, things your kids have said that she said to them, etc.) You might want to do that for future reference, and note the date. Then you'll have a record to present to your ex. I do think you need to sit down with him once again in a calm manner, and this list would help. It might be good for you, your H, your ex and his wife to all sit down for the benefit of your kids. Does your state have any child advocacy setup?

Your kids are going to take their cues from you on behavior. Are you calm and rational when something happens, or do you rant in front of them?

Does his new wife have kids too? If so, what is her custody situation?

Also, helpful hint - if you broke your post into different paragraphs it would be much easier to read and you might get a few more responses...but since this is a holiday weekend, that might also explain why no one is posting. Hopefully someone who has younger kids will post with some insight. I never had to deal with custody, since my kids were older.

I'd like to bring up another point for consideration --

When we were first married, my husband and I dealt with my stepdaughter running back with tales to her mother. Why? Well, as best we've worked out, she picked up on cues that her mother really didn't like her father and me, and she thought that telling her mother negative things about this house would make her mother happy. And she quite understandably WANTED to make her mother happy. Her mother didn't tell her to do this -- she did it on her own. And boy, she did tell some tall tales. For example, we went on holiday, her brother was driving her crazy, I took her to the salon for a manicure and pedicure. She asked me if she could get her hair done. I said ok, and provided no input -- and all she did was a shampoo and trim. Later, it was reported that I "made her go to the salon and get a haircut". Luckily, my husband knew the truth on that, because he was there...

It's basically the same psychology behind any gossip. Why do people gossip?
1 ) They GAIN something from it -- whether it's the momentary status of having something valuable to share with an audience, acceptance, or revenge on someone they believe has perpetrated some wrong.
2) There is no accountability for the gossiper -- the tale spreads, the damage to relationships is done, and in the end, no one can remember where the gossip started...

I'm not saying that's definitely what IS going on with your kids, but it could be a factor.

I wouldn’t worry about her brain washing the children into believing something about you, or your home. Kids see so much and teenagers, which yours soon will be, have a built in BS detector. Naturally, your children will have an adjustment period reentering your home after an extended visit with Dad. This is simply the “different rules” adjustment. Mine have it after only two days.

However, I’d definitely document everything. I’d also make sure the children had an impartial adult with whom they can share their family problems. Preferably a school counselor or a therapist. That way if Step-Mom is destructive or does emotional abuse stuff, the adult will get involved.

As for the hair….Why not make everyone feel good, and tell the step-mom how much you like the hair cut and how cute the girls look? Act as if she’s done you a favor. At least you’ll know she won’t do that again. And then, you’d be reassuring the girls they look good.