Wonderfull job Kim!

One of the things that you'll have to learn to deal with [especially if your marriage DOES make it..]is the lack of principles in your husbands family. That they didn't support you when it looked like it was going to be uncomfortable to do so.

Bravo for not allowing her to write the script for you.. I love that you interrupted her rationalization with your assertion and mission statement [winks].

Thanks for the words of support and encouragement! Guess if I never knew how to stand up for what I believed in before, I sure do know how now.

Noodle - something you said the other day:



The last time we saw his parents as a family was 3 years ago. We drove up and met them halfway. WH did change jobs and that put a damper on the vacation thing. But, if he wanted DS to see his parents in that time frame, he would have found a way.

Melody, Grapegirl, ChaCha & Noodle - thanks again.

Perhaps if WS could make some effort to make me feel comfortable, then this whole mess wouldn't have come up.

One other thing his mom said that bothered me - that my parents get to see DS ALL the time. And that I take him down there for that. Sorry that I live near my family. I also should have thought to tell her this:

"WHM, I actually travel down there so often b/c I need a support system for ME. DS needs a support system. WH and I do have a child together, I would be traveling down to see my parents regardless of DS."

Kim

I'd leave that out..because the obvious retaliation is that WS needs his support *too* [poor baby] and they count as support for DS just as much as YOUR family..blah blah blah..don't go there.

Stick with the idea that you are not comfortable with out of state travel because of WSs untrustworthy behavior..and stay there.

It's the truth and it doesn't need embellishment.

I'd be sure to mention that you WOULD be open to bringing DS to visit yourself..make a point that you are not restricting contact..merely restricting mode of contact.

DS is also starting to verbalize his dislike of the whole sitch. I was on a vacation day today & when WH came to pick DS up he said that he didn't want to go(he has said that before). This time though he said that "This whole thing stinks and that Daddy was stupid for splitting up."

Now, I have never used the word "split" up. I always say that we are having some time apart.

I told DS that it was important that he & his Daddy spend some time together & that I loved him. I asked if he has told his daddy that. He said no. I told him that he needed to share his feelings with his Daddy too, not just me.

K

Got it --- Noodle!

HEY. I just posted and now it is gone! It was long too.

Got another note from WH. He is quite angry again. I sent down a note stating that DS would be with my Mom, two hours away, for the rest of the week. So that he would miss "visitation" on Thursday. I would have him back by Sunday at their next time. I also asked for 1/2 payment for the camp next week.

I don't think that WH is going to drop this one for a while. Just like the refinance thing. But this time he is much angrier. Does my Marriage really have a chance of recovery????

Here is his note:

"Kim,

So, DS will be spending 3 or 4 days in XX.

I DON'T APPROVE!

You'd better decide that you are going to leave DS out of the mix here or things will certainly get worse between us. If you're not letting me spend time with him, then how is it you expect me to pay for campes, et. I'm paying to have DS spend time away from me. Plus, I'm just learning today that he's going out of town - ALONE - And so I won't bet to see him on Thursday. You're sending him out of town which is worse than what I wanted to do, namely spend more time with him.

WH"

I never said he couldn't spend more time with DS. Just not traveling out of state. And, I never said NO to that, just that I didn't approve and that I was not comfortable.

Here is my proposed note(which I don't have to give him until Sunday)

"WH,

Arrangments were made quite some time ago for my mom to help us out last week and with DS's summer schedule - she is always happy to help us and I am glad she is available as it also saves us money.

I have taken care of DS' schedule in the same manner that I have for the past eight months when there have been holidays - Spring Break, Christmas Break and Thanksgiving.

Payment was also sent and arranged for the XX camp, before you asked about DS taking a trip out of state or spending time with DS. If you are available to take some time off next week and spend time with DS in state, feel free to call the camp and see if the money is refundable. They charge on a daily basis. If you would like to try an overnight, let me know via a note. I will need to know exactly where it is in state that DS will be staying.

I am happy for you and DS to spend time together. I have only said that I am not comfortable at this time with out of state travel.

We have been getting great advice from one of the top Marriage Coaches in the country. Doesn't it make sense to follow his advice to insure a solid recovery? I believe in the man I married.

Love always,

Kim"

I left out what I really wanted to say ----and I lost some of it when my post disappeared.

So, help me whip this into shape!

Kim

Here he is again trying to engage you and take back control of the situation. He was not able to manipulate you before, so now he is trying to SCARE you. Don't respond, Kim. You have told him how you feel about this. You don't have to explain or apologize.

Dont' allow him to drag you back into a debate. You are in control, Kim, don't hand it back to him.

Kim:

Honestly, If I were your husband I would get a lawyer and take this to the next level regarding visitation and his rights. I am on our side....but, I would just prepare yourself for the possibility for this. Just a "heads up".

Don't worry though, your WH won't do this.....his desire and need to see his son and exert his full rights are likely NOT geuine.

Stop looking for excuses to continue interacting with him.

Lem

Mel,

You don't at least think I should respond to the camp issue? By all means, if he is able to get off next week I am for them spending time together. It would save $$ .....

Man, he is so angry. I was sad for a while about the note....but as I typed it in I thought about how ridiculous some of the parts sounded. I think he needs help....

There are also two weeks before school starts that are uncovered. I am taking a week off then, my mom can cover a week. I do need to communicate that he could take one of those weeks if he'd like.

I think that perhaps WH might be getting a bit jealous of my relationship with DS. We had a great day today and yesterday. Parade yesterday, and we went to a local attraction today(I took the day off).

I am also thinking of the suggestions of taking DS to see his parents....They are SOOO far away.

Kim

Lem -

You make it sound so promising! I also don't want him to be able to say that I would not communicate AT All with him regarding DS if it comes to the lawyer thing.

Do you think I am using DS?

Kim

Hey Kim,

Here is that "healing hearts" game. Now, I don't think it is worth $40.00. I would order the divorce cards for $5.00 and make up my own game board (but I am a cheap skate!). I would only spend the $40 if I was going to donate it to a counseling center when I was done. It is just a laminated peice of poster board, nothing fancy.

Check out the "grief ball" also. It is only $15.00 for a bunch of questions and a inflatable beach ball.

But, my girls really liked the Healing Hearts game and it did make them open up a lot. It just shouldn't be $40.

Healing Hearts Game

I don't think you are using your DS "consciously"....but undoubtedly you are using the disagreemnts you and the wayward have regarding him (DS) as avenues to exert some "consequence" on him (as you should)...but in the process are using this as a way to continue to have some contact....you are still trying to "get through" to him and in the process easily allow yourself to be manipulated.

If I was your WH, and you did NOT let me have my son for a trip away to see my parents, yet at the same time allowed him to go alone to see your parents.....well, I wouldn't be having any of that. You'd be hearing from a lawyer tomorrow. Yet, I am not casting judgement on you or saying you are doing anything wrong. I am just letting you know that I would't stand for that. Your WH is all bark no bite, so you need not really worry about that.

I am just throwing it out there for thought.

I am very proud of you and think you have done a remarkable job going through this terrible situation.

Lem

OOOO- thanks Jean! I will go check it out!

Kim

Thanks Lem - Always like to hear your point of view.

I think WH is all bark too. Plus he is broke so I can't see him dishing at a couple grand for this just yet....

Past history has shown that DS has traveled alone to my parents though - WH allowed it last year and my parents have always helped with child care. I am just thinking this through in case WH surprises me and pulls that card.

Also, there is a big difference between in state & Out of state travel. In addition, WH has basically deserted us and I have had to take responsiblity of being the primary caregiver. The courts don't look to fondly on that here.

What else? Oh yea, he's having an affair, won't tell me where he works or lives......

Not bashing your comments, just thinking things through!

Kim

kim, this is just more of the same. This is him trying to bully his way around again. It almost always works for him so he is expecting - yet another - REWARD from you in the form of some conciliatory, apologetic note. Please don't reward him.

Mel -

I am sitting on these thoughts. I hear you and you are right, he doesn't deserve a reward of me trying to "woo" him(last paragraph of my note).

I am seriously just worried about the "communication" aspect of it and if that can be used against me down the road.

Kim

Kim, there is much here you can use against him, so don't let him scare you. You are not obliged to step and fetch it when he yells FETCH! Don't let him manipulate you, Kim. Stay dark.

Alright Mel, I will focus my energies elsewhere.

I'm making little notes for DS to open from me while he is at my parents. It will help him keep track of the days!

I'm not going to know what to do with myself!

Have a good night!

Kim

I thought I would post my chicken analogy over here for your amusement! Good night Kim!


I think its fitting WS are chicken for the most part! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just checking in on you Kim. Hope all is well.

Just an update --

DS had a great visit at my parents. I just enjoyed having some "me" time and did a little bit of extra work.

No notes from WH. He finally gave me Insurance Cards for DS.

I have not sent any type of note down at all.

It's amazing I think that I have not said one bad word to WH through this whole thing. I have not sent him any nasty notes, have always been positive. Yet, although he is the one who had the A he feels it's o.k. to send me nasty notes. I am hoping that he has thought about how ugly his note was to me. I hope he feels bad about it.

If he knows me, he knows I would never use DS in that way. I am only doing what my heart is telling me and protecting me and DS.

Well, my 14 year Wedding Anniversay is coming up on Tuesday. I don't plan on doing anything special for myself. It will just be another day. Right now, it means nothing to me.

I saw a T-Shirt that said this "Not a Role Model". Thinking of getting that for DS to give WH for Father's Day.

I'm doing o.k. - have been very busy. Working and just trying to spend time with DS.

Kim