I need some serious help. My former fiance had an affair at work with a married man, who I find out now has been pursuing her for yrs. Right after I found out she denied everything till the evidence was too much. Slowly more and more info surfaced over the course of weeks. During this time she never contacted most of her bridesmaids and was in that wierd "Addicted" we hear about so often. Telling me one thing and doing another, this of course do me wild and I was asking everyone for help. I read about for books on the subject as well. This was a girl who I had been dating for eight years and was engaged to for over a yr. She begged me to get married for yrs and I was the one who was waiting till things were right. She handled the situation so poorly after I discovered everything I am still in shock from it. Finaly after 3 weeks of her still talking to him at work, she has just recently snapped back to herself. This was so out of her character. This was a girl who was becoming catholic for me/herself and I was her sponsor every Sunday morning. My family had taken her in like a daughter, since she was not super close to her own and they had moved to Florida. However, since we have been together for 8 yrs I decided to give it another shot,but neither my family, friends, or her bridesmaids want to have anything to do with her. We were 4 months from walking down the isle. Now she is very very remorsefull and still can not explain why she gave in to this guy. The problem is how do we move on concerning my family and our shared friends. Has anyone gone through this or can you offer some advice. Please Help!

I don't understand what you mean by:


Can you be more specific?

I echo Mel's question. What is your goal here: is it having your family/friends accept that you love each other and wish to marry? Or is it moving on without each other? Or something else entirely?

Wow, an affair while engaged. Wonder what she will do when the marriage gets boring.

How did you find out?

To Clarify:

I am giving her another shot to see how things work out. Given this was so out of her character and she is so remorsefull now, I think it is worth it. Th problem is I am the only one talking to her. We have many shared friends (all who have taken my side) and none of them want to talk to her. Her bridesmaids even dont want to talk to her, and my family wants me to have nothing to do with her. She has written letters to most people expressing her remorse and sorrow, but no one has responded. Do you think time will heal this wound? Know of anything else she can do to make ammends? Has anyone ever worked though a situation like mine? I am losing hope.

I don't know of any way to get your family and friends to agree with such bad judgment. I only hope and pray you don't have any children and bring them into this kind of mess. It's one thing for you to CHOOSE to live like this; it's another entirely to inflict it on innocent children.

Your family and friends are correct on this. You’d be a fool to follow up on your marriage with this girl. Consider her cheating on you now a gift from God. For now you know what to expect after you are married to her and possibly have children together.

Do yourself a favor and read some of the threads on this site and see the h*ll people are going through because of infidelity. In most cases, people go through with them because they have children. What’s your excuse? You’re in love? PLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSE.

Bro, I think you need to wake up from your own fog and see the facts for what they are. Stop making excuses for your wayward fiancée and stop saying things like she is acting out of character. May be true, may be not. Do you really want to find out?

Lastly, it is unfair to try to get your family and friends to accept what is unacceptable. Respect their rights to be rational even though you’ve chosen not to be so yourself.

Good luck and God bless.

SIS,

Please understand how important this is:

"Now she is very very remorsefull and still can not explain why she gave in to this guy."

Until she knows this, thoroughly, then she will repeat her behavior...a year, five years...two decades later.

This is hers, not yours.

Yours is finding out why you would date someone for 8 years, be this committed to her, having passed all sorts of tests, and not be married.

Finding your own part is important...because if you don't, you'll repeat it, also.

LA

Now I see. You’ve been together for eight years. I miss that part. That is a fairly long history together and I can now understand where you are coming from. Having said that, I still think you should bail out.

If she can do this now, she most likely will do it again later on when you have children. It is still better to cut your losses now, than having to deal with this same situation down the road when the cost will be much more.

So in short, I see your point, but I agree with your family and friends.

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. Just my 2 cents. My WW has had TWO A's post marriage and post children. Yours has had one and you're not even married yet!!! My WW was promiscuous before her and I got together and that should have been a sign to me.

THIS IS A SIGN TO YOU! HEED IT!

What a lousy way to start life off together. Having to get over infidelity. What will you be thinking about on your honeymoon? How you married the girl of your dreams? Or how another man had his hands all over your new bride.

Don't do it to yourself.

I would like to suggest another way for you to view your current situation. First, you have invested eight years into this relationship and it is very easy to understand why you are reluctant to throw it all away. You are obviously shaken by the revelations of your fiancés betrayal of the commitment she made to you; a commitment that represented a bond of honor, love and respect for each other, much like a marriage. The horror that you feel is not much different then the horror felt by any of the betrayed spouses that post in these forums. I am sorry to welcome you to this lonely club of unfortunate souls but you are here nonetheless.

I might also suggest to you that you need not rush into the final act of commitment, marriage. There is no hurry. Give yourself and your fiancé time to evaluate the meaning of commitment and love. Time will give you perspective and right now, that is what you need most. You will be able to evaluate your fiancé in the context of what she has done and what she is doing now.

I would urge you to follow a path that will lead you to the outcome you most desire. If that path is with this woman then do the things that insure that she has benefited from her betrayal; make sure that she has learned from her mistake and that she is committed to a better life. You may find her to be much more educated in life having committed this grave error.

You may find that this woman is not for you, but to truly make the best decision you will need time and that is why you must postpone the engagement. Feel free to continue to date her. Let her know that you are open to allowing her to recover from her mistake. If she desires to date others then you must accept that decision. If you desire to date others then she must accept your decision.

Guide her to this site so that she can understand what a good solid relationship looks like.

Keep your options open for this next year, see what happens, examine how you feel and learn what it is that you want from life and this woman.

With time and a keen eye on what lies in front of you, things will unfold quite nicely. Remember, people choose who to love as you and your girlfriend will do the same.

One more thing before I go. If your initial post would have said that you dated for one year and were married for seven without children I suspect the responses would have been quite different.

Mr. G

Exactly. As they should be. There is a world of difference between a marriage and a dating situation. Dating is the job interview/testing period for marriage. That "test" has failed in this case.

The post of soinShock sounded to me as if they had progressed way past just a “dating situation”. I think your response to mine surfaces all kinds of philosophic overtones. Very interesting and thought provoking stuff, really.

I wonder what their “state of mind” was after eight years into a relationship. Speaking of “state of mind”, is it “state of mind” that defines love and commitment or is it the marriage contract? Can you have one without the other? What happens when one partner believes something different from the other? What about the couple that marries after dating for two months? Is their relationship more valued then the one above? Is an affair worse before marriage or after?

How the answers to these questions play out in the life of soinShock is hidden from me and likely hidden from him. They are questions whose answers will help him understand what his girlfriend can ultimately become. They are the questions that I doubt that either of them has ever really considered of grave importance until now.

He desires to give her another shot. I want to help him achieve that end simply because it is what he wants. How very easy it is for outsiders to advise him to simply “toss it in the garbage”.

I don’t think that dating couples think of their actions as an interview/testing period for marriage. Perhaps some do, but I suggest that the motives of most are much more basic then that. I think they are just pursuing happiness in life, find a little bit to smile about, share a good time and talk about the things that they both find most interesting. The commonality of their interests breeds a future and of course love and commitment and ultimately marriage. Can soinShock have these things with this girl or do we paint her with a scarlet letter?

Thoughts from the other side.

Mr. G

But it hasn't progressed beyond a "dating situation," in reality. It might be a LONG dating situation, but that is all it is. We should not give it any more status than he has himself. And a dating situation is a TEST DRIVE for marriage. Similar to test driving a car under consideration for purchase.

If the car breaks down on the test drive, would it be wise to buy that car? Most would consider that to be very bad judgment because common sense dictates that this would be an indicator of future performance. Much better to find a model that is more likely to perform to par.

It's the same with marriage. Two of the most essential characteristics of a successful marriage are honesty and faithfulness. He already knows going in that this girl is not a) honest or b) faithful. He also knows that she has no respect for marriage since she has been screwing a married man. She has no respect for his marriage.

Any SANE person would consider these DEAL BREAKERS when choosing a marriage partner. All the fuzzy, wuzzy cute and warm feelings in the world will not compensate for dishonesty, infidelity and a lack of respect for marriage. All the feelings in the world will not make her good marriage material. That is because all of those traits are DISASTEROUS to a marriage.

And getting out of a marriage is much, much harder than getting out of a dating situation. If he marries her, he can count on more of the same, except worse. It won't be as easy to run when he has to face a divorce with alimony payments, mortgages and children. It won't be so easy to leave when he has 3 little ones whose lives are also destroyed, just because he had "wants."

Which is why his family, friends and all the other folks on this thread are advising him to RUN. It is simply a BAD DEAL, no matter how badly he "wants" it. And yes, it is "easy" to advise him to RUN, because it is the RIGHT thing to do. It would be idiotic and irresponsible to marry someone like this. And it would be a CRIME to bring children into such a mess and inflict his "wants" on them.

Because I guarantee you, a few years of married life with a dishonest, unfaithful wife will quickly erase all the fuzzy wuzzy "wants" and he will be left not feeling too warm and fuzzy all over.

So, no, I won't be helping this man to make a profoundly bad decision just because he "wants" it. That might make ME feel all fuzzy wuzzy inside to tell him what he wants to hear, but that is not what he NEEDS to hear. I don't care if he likes me, I care that he does not destroy his life by following through with a tragically bad decision.

You know what really amazes me? In some countries, folks do not have the FREEDOM to choose their own partners. In the US, we have that freedom. And to see that freedom squandered like this on such a bad choice is quite amazing. What a tragic waste of freedom.

I could see nowhere in his posts that he considered this girl merely his dating partner. I did see that they were engaged to be married which some might consider to be far in excess of a dating situation. I can see in his posts that he is extremely distraught over what has happened to the point that he sought out the help and advice of these pages, a very difficult thing to do, especially for a male. He defends her in his posts against the opinions and advice of others telling him to run and there is significance in those actions that speaks to the status he has given to this relationship.



If I were to apply this logic to my particular situation I would arrive at the following:

I am 52 years old and my children are grown and well into collage.

I am financially secure to the point that alimony would not be an issue nor is a mortgage.

The car (my wife) that I purchased so many years ago has broken down. I mean the test drive looked good but some real problems surfaced down the road.

Would you now advise me to purchase a new and more reliable model, send the old one to the junk yard?



Is that what I should expect from my wife, “more of the same, except worse”? Does this mean that your husband will soon betray you again, only this time worse? Does anyone here think that a piece of paper insures fidelity or is the magic pass to permitting forgiveness of their terrible act? Are you saying that no forgiveness can occure unless there is a marriage?



Sounds a lot like every single incident of infidelity that ever been posted in any forum anywhere yet we fight for these marriages to be saved, why? The answer is, “Even good people can make bad decisions.” Marriage is not a prerequisite.

Mr. G

MrGoodstuff, not even Dr. Harley would suggest that a dating situation is the same as a marriage. It is not and should not be treated the same. Just as a job interview is not the same as being gainfully employed, albeit only differentiated by a "piece of paper." There is a legal and moral committment that seperates marriage from dating; it is night and day. And yes, he was engaged, but that is still dating and is still NOT married.

Just because we save MARRIAGES here, does not mean that we should use tragically bad judgment in choosing a marriage partner. The purpose here is to save MARRIAGES, not bad dating arrangements that have failed the marriage partner test.

Sometimes, using all the best judgment possible, we still experience infidelity in our marriage. But we do not KNOWINGLY enter into a situation where that is probable. That would be insane.


But if the car broke down on the test drive, would you still buy it? That would be the correct analogy. Would you not only buy it, but pay for it's repair after it was broken down? I would certainly hope not, because that would be very foolish. Yet that is what you are suggesting here. If it breaks down AFTER you buy it, then that is another matter entirely. But we are still only on the test drive here, aren't we?

I was in a 14 year relationship with a boyfriend before I married my husband (25 years ago ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

He ( the X BF) cheated on me ... I took him back ... he cheated again THANKFULLY before we were married .... we'd been engaged more than once ....

sometimes you get to see what your future marriage would look like ....

this is one of those times

no matter how many years invested in a non-marriage ... it still is not married until it is married

we can call things by their real names here, right?

not-yet-married-no-kids-yet-betrayal is a clear warning

you are of course free to hold other opinions

there is a couple on MB who have lived this particular heII .... Frozen & Patriot

look at their story ... decide it you want to travel that route

about the opinions of the family ... their opinions are legitimate concerns

if I were your auntie and you invited me to a post-recent-infidelity wedding ceremony, I may not choose to attend and 'pretend celebrate' .... I may choose to send a card and my best wished

and if I were to do that, it is my perogative

you choose this marriage under these circumstances you also choose the fallout

just make sure you accept the choice 'as is'

here's a ((( hug ))) for your broken heart

Pep <~~~ whose H cheated on her in the 14th year of MARRIAGE + 2 KIDS!!!
a whole different ball of wax

I re read this and something just *clicked*

WHY would her good friends (and chosen bridesmaids) just shun her for ONE very bad error for which she has apologized?

makes NO SENSE, right?

maybe this is NOT so out of character for her

maybe this WAS not the only wrong she's tried to make right

if you said ONE of her friends would not speak to her ... that's not suspicous

but DUDE
[color:"red"] She has written letters to most people expressing her remorse and sorrow, but no one has responded. [/color]

ALL of them cannot be crazy!

Pep

All I can say here is this.

I wish I had the benefit of catching my STBX cheating on me before we were married.

My history would have been totally re-written. Trust me on this. I would NOT have married someone who cheated on me.

WOW, who knew I would get so many responses I thank everyone for all of there thoughts, esp Mr. GoodStuff. I think he has the most logical approach. For the update:

I have been tryin to work things out with her. We see each other every night now and she seems a changed person. Though there is never an excuse for what she has done, many factors contributed to it. Way to many to list here but things like she was paying for the whole wedding herself (100k) and she has serious communication issues stemming from a strange almost non existent relationship with her parents. She now claims she hates this former friend of hers that took adavantage of her stressed out borderline neverous breakdown state. She lives about 45 min from me and works in NYC. She was very stressed about moving, planning the wedding. I just had neck surgery and could not help her move or do much, plus I was on pain killers most of the time and become very lazy (with excuse though). Though as I repeat this is Never a reason to have an affair, many of these factors contributed. When this guy first kissed her in Las Vegas in a very drunk state it put her over the edge so to say. She knew if she told me what happened I would have flipped out and called of the engagement and made her quit her job. He pursued her relentlessly and she only gave in when intoxicated at corporate type functions, also told him many time that she did not love him and this had to stop. My problem was that she was not able to say no. To me I just dont get it. Now she seems to have learned and grown up emensely from this experience. Feels like I am with a different person now.

To answer some other questions, I am 30 and she is 28. We are both fairly successful and college educated. I met her right after college, yet postponed getting married for a while, the reasons being I wanted to be finacial secure with her own my own place, and such. When I finaly had some deals close, I proposed to her and got her the ring I thought she deserved cause she waited to long. She had been begging me to get married for years. Even after the engagement we did not live together (my choice cause I wanted to save something for marriage). She also up until this incident has been an ideal GF and Fiancie. Thus the reason I am SO IN Shock. According to the 4 books I have read and my catholic upbringing, I feel she needs and second chance. We have started talking to our closest friends again, and she called my mother today to talk. Its a start.

Everything I have read says to give the person another shot if infidelity is no in their character, and for her this was not. Does anyone know of anyone who has worked through a situation such as mine successfully? Thanks for all your help.