It's way too soon to put rings back on. Although why did you remove yours? I've been doing this for almost 3 and a half years and still wear mine. I'll wear it until our divorce is final.

You need to get into the frame of mind to expect NOTHING. Your husband is probably still dreaming of his fantasy, where he rides off into the sunset with a woman almost 30 years younger, and they live happily ever after. There are no problems, no bills, no boring days........

I think I would get busy cleaning up the house and cook something. It doesn't matter if he eats or not - the smell will be there. Then give him lots of space. Let him work, and be alone in the house so he can start thinking about all he would miss.

Leslie, you are in the driver's seat. You set the conditions for him coming back home. If he won't do the NC letter, I think you’re absolutely correct in assuming he’s not ready to do the hard work of reconciling. That letter is a commitment and a symbol of what he’s ready to do.

I think you need to make MC and IC for both of you another of those conditions. Having the same counselor do both can be advantageous.

He won’t like the idea of counseling worth a darn. Many do not. Too many images of people lying on couches in a stuffy office giving up their whole life’s story and answering intensely personal questions asked by a guy in a business suit and spectacles. Perhaps you can explain it to your husband as a forum where two people can talk without any concern the conversation might get out of hand and where no one has to hide anything. If the counselor is worth his salt, you two are going to do the overwhelming majority of the talking and the work.

About the rings: I think you should just do what you know to be right. You are married, you want to be married, you want to make it a better marriage, and your rings are a symbol of those commitments. Don’t worry about what your husband does; you can’t make him do it. Don’t even mention it to him unless he asks. Just do what what’s right and let it be an example to him. He’ll have to make his own decision.

I'm just not sure I can continue to try. H was over yesterday and it just feels like this is the last place in the world he wants to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He comes over works on his car, son's car or whatever to keep himself busy outside. (Feels like he is avoiding me).

We are suppose to sit down and talk tomorrow (but not holding my breath on it). My best guess is that he will try to avoid any sort of discussion or if we do manage to talk he will say he wants to work on the M, but will make no attempt to do so. A part of me is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt yet the other part of me is telling me, to move on that I've done some of the greiving already of him being gone and that his coming back would set me back to when he left.

I just don't understand if he wants to come back, why does he have to wait till his rent is due to return? Why not try to talk to me NOW, and come home NOW.

Sometimes I really think I am starting to hate him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He just seems to be all out him or anyone other then me. When do I start to count, when do I start to become important to him?

I'm almost to the point that if he doesn't initiate talking to me on Monday like he agreed to that on Tuesday, I'm just going to file for either a D or seperation.

Everyone says do things without him, make him want to be part of my life, and GOD knows I try. Why can't he see what he's so close to loosing, let me take that back, perhaps he does see and just doesn't care anymore. I'm now the one thinking about leaving and just saying H with it all.

I'm not sure how I will get through today and tomorrow to wait and see if he is ready to talk. I know most here will say, don't wait go out and do something and I've thought about it, but I am just plain tired. Tired of aways going somewhere when he is home. (I know him, he will put off talking to me as long as he can, and even then it will be surprise to me if he decides to talk) but I guess I have to give him the chance since he said we could talk on Monday.

I have printed up copies of the EN questions, along with several other things here that I have put in a folder for him to read. I'm not sure he will but I thought that if he does at least read it and maybe fill out the EN it will give us some things to talk about on Monday night. I plan on handing him the one I filled out then also. This way he won't have to guess what mine or nor will I have to guess his.

I always tend to over analize everything and then that brings on more problems, but like now I'm thinking if it's this bad to see him when he comes over for the day, it's going to be even worse if he moves back home. Can't I just build him dog house in the backyard and let him stay there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Sorry for the "pity party" I'm on right now.

(((Leslie)))

I do not envy your position at all. I have feared being in that spot, of trying to decide if a WH was on the up and up. I really like the criteria of Dr. Harvey's that believer posted, I would read that over and over before your talk. Heck, I would probably print it on an index card, laminate it and keep it in my pocket during my talk with WH!

For me, the problem is whether I would be strong enough to handle WH going through withdrawal under my roof. I am not sure that I am, I liked your doghouse idea."You stay out there until you get OW out of your system". They need a rehab center for this crap. My very first post here was about not being able to handle WH's honesty. I could not stand watching him be lovesick and moping around after D-Day.

When they are out of the house, if you are not feeling warm and fuzzy, you can always hang up the phone. If they are sitting in your living room and you are not feeling warm and fuzzy, sheesh, what to do. I guess that is the test of unconditional love. The person that has tried to destroy you now needs your help and kindness. What a leap of faith!

Makes me glad that my WH never fence sat, he leapt over and put up barb wire as soon as he could.

(((Leslie)))

Just wanted to keep this posting updated even though I have started another posting this morning out of desperation.

Gut instinct told me this morning H was at OW's apartment. One thing I have learned throughout all of this is FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCT.

As much as I would have loved to say I was wrong, my gut was right. His car was parked there so I went to the door and banged on door (did not politely knock) and had to do this several times before I finally said through the closed door that I was not leaving until _____________ (name of hubby comes out). He came out and was walking to his car and refused to say much to me. His basic words "I'm not discussing this with you here", maybe later at the house.

He's here working on my brakes and still not willing to talk.

Confusing because so many say let him come home, and do a Plan A, others say require the NC letter first, and others say do the 180's.

Looking at all of them trying to decide what is right, and there seems to be some correct answers in all 3, so sounds like a modified Plan whatever one would call it.

First I have to set my boundaries, the things that are important to me:

Those would be:

NO contact with OW
Transparency
MC or even IC then MC
We have to be able to sit down and talk

I have no problem with doing 150% to make our marriage work but he has to be willing to do 50% of the work also.

Once again my self preservation is trying to kick in and doesn't want to return to the day I first discovered he was cheating. Today almost felt like that day all over again.

Over the last 6 weeks I had made some progress and was no longer crying all the time, was able to get through a day or two at work without crying and I just can't go back to that point again.