I am having trouble getting my WH to sign a fair property settlement agreement. What works better - threats of making life hard through the court system or opening up with all my pain and hurt and asking him to be fair?

We verbally agreed weeks ago to the parameters of the settlement - getting an appraisal on the house and dividing the equity 50/50, how we would divide retirement, etc. He and his lawyer insisted on exact amounts, however.

I got him all the exact amounts and he offerred me a cash settlement of $4,500 less than I should be entitled to. He claims it is all he can get in loans and he refuses to sell the house.

I threatened court, but he claims not to care. His lawyer has him convinced that he will get a greater percentage of the home equity because he used the proceeds of a seperate property (owned before our marriage) for the downpayment.

My lawyer anticipates that the judge would divide the equity 50/50, but since we are in an "equitable distribution" state, the judge can do whatever he wants. We really have no way of knowing how he will rule on anything, so it could go either way. This is a fault state, however, and my WH's A will help me get a better ruling.

My WH knows that I want to avoid court because it takes a long time and a lot of money. I am trying to move 1,000 miles back home to be with my dying mother, friends, and family. He knows that I'll sacrifice cash to see my mom again before she passses, so I think he is calling my bluff about court.

He also claims that he is refusing to work with me because we had a fight and I "called him names." We had planned on going to MC to see if we could save the M, but I discovered that he was still seeing OW. He continued to lie to me about it even when he was totally busted spending the weekend with her. I was so angry that I did call him a "pathetic impotent loser." He is taking ED drugs to perform for his 23-yr-old girlfriend (we are both 37), but not because he has a medical proglem - I think guilt has caused his ED. I know I shouldn't have hit below the belt (in more ways than one!), but I was just so hurt and angry.

I don't know if I can keep up the tough, vengeful act when he knows I don't want to hang around fighting. My other thought is to be honest about how much I am hurting, apologize for my anger and try to get him to do the right thing. He was much more willing to work with me when he thought I might take him back (while he sat their on the fence having his cake...)

Will a self-centered liar and cheater ever do the right thing, even for a shot at some redemption? Or am I stuck in this destructive battle over $4,500? Should I just give in and take less than I should be able to get in court, but save myself the time and pain?

If any of you have been through something this, what did you do? How did it work for you?

$4,500 means different things to different people, so consider what's finishing up is worth to you in saved legal expenses and wear and tear on you.

Also, the judge won't decide who gets the equity. The judges don't decide this stuff unless you are wealthy. The lawyers settle it on the courthouse steps because the judges don't want to see anyone in court.

Re the house. How many estimates did you get? Are they fair? If he's buying you out, did you subtract out the real estate commission you'd pay on it if you sold to someone else (6%). Also, make sure he refinances in a set time frame. My x drug it out over 18 months and settled 3 months AFTER the divorce was final. Very annoying. I had estimates, and an agreed upon price and he continued to negotiate even on the courthouse steps.

Good luck. Feelings mean nothing to him, you are a nonentity.

Ok, then offer to let him pay it out over time. In return, you get to put a lien on the house until he does pay you. If he still says no, then it has nothing to do with him not being able to come up with the money.

Newly,

Thank you. I needed to hear that last statement. I read somewhere that the BS also has some form of "fog," believing that the WS really cares, will come back, will be sorry, etc... That's me.

We only got one appraisal, but it was a fair price. He wants to get another, expecting it to be lower. I am afraid that he'll find a way to influence the amount, so I don't want to. The two realtors I had provide fair market values estimated the house to be worth $10,000 - $15,000 more than the appraisal. Our neighborhood is very hot right now and I think that he'll be able to turn around and sell the house quickly for at least the appraised value if he wants to.

Fortunately, the plan is to get the money at the same time we sign our PSA, so I would get it all up front - now!

The $4,500 means a lot to me because I'll be homeless (staying with a friend) and unemployed because of my move. However, my peace of mind and desire to start moving on with my life might outweigh it. I moved 1,000 miles from home to support my WH and we had no family and few friends here. I really want to get back both for my sanity and to be with my mom.

Your brief description of your marriage sounds a lot like mine, except my WH refused to have children. He even admitted that he was "too selfish" to want to give up other things in his life for them - RED FLAG THERE! He is a total conflict avoider, unable to communicate, and struggles with relating to people. He had the affair on purpose to hurt me because he didn't know how to talk about what he needed. He has very few friends and speaks to no one in his family. All he has now is OW and I totally believe him when he says their relationship is shallow and not about love.

Anyway, I do digress (the BS fog and all). What was going to court like? Did you have to fight hard for your settlement? How painful was it and is it worth it?

I've been told by my lawyer that if we can sign a fair property settlement agreement, then I never even have to come back and face court at all. My lawyer will represent me and will enter the agreement as part of our divorce decree.

AM

fbwidow,

Thanks!

I already offerred to let him pay me the difference after he sells the house and he refused. Earlier in the conversation, he said he would pay me if he could get the money. When I found a way for him to do so, the story changed. Why do I believe the words of a liar?

His company was just bought out and in order to keep his job he may have to move across country again. Chances are good that he'll be selling the house soon and making a good profit. His company may even buy it from him at the appaised value so he won't have to pay the 6% real estate fees.

That makes me really mad, but I also want to get this settled now instead of dragging it out.

Your screen name implies you are a widow? Are you divorced? Did you play tough to get what you wanted? Does it work?

FB,

Oops! I was reading just you reply at the bottom of mine and it didn't show your whole story. So you are going through a contentious divorce. Why was the settlement rejected? Are you glad to be going to court?

AM

Get more realtors to give you their opinion. I did that and gave a fair offer (with 6% off). X kept lowballing and refused to show me his realtor "prices".
Appraisal and market price are different. Appraisal is for financing, market price is typically higher. If you both sold, it would be base don market price, not appraisal, so throw that out the window.

Again, everything is settled on the courthouse steps - if not before. We went into the courthouse, the judge meets with the lawyers alone and asks each if his client is reasonable, both give their opinion and go back out to get the clients to agree before going before the judge (another day in court with lawyers). Everyone is incented to come to agreement on the steps.

You will do fine. You have a place to live, enjoy the freedome for a while or just recover. Maybe you'll find a divorce support group where you'll be living and you can heal. The legal stuff is just a pain, it's the emotional stuff that we all deal with. Be happy you never had a child with him, because the BS never ends. They can't outgrow selfish behavior.
Good luck.

AnnMarie10: My WH is a high school football coach in Texas so my screenname is a play on that.

Although WH is not DD's biological father, he insisted on adopting her when we married 10 years ago. Because of legal costs we just ended up just putting him on her birth certificate as biological father was never listed. He also insisted that DD attend the private school where he taught. WH threw a fit over the 3 things dealing with DD in the settlement. I have backed off on 2 but am insisting that he pay DD's tuition for her Sr year. WH deals with problems by ignoring them. Even my lawyer is getting frustrated over lack of response, so I'm glad to have a deadline to look forward to.

How long have you been married?

AnnMarie,

after seeing this person you describe, why would you want to stay married to him?

just curious. . .

wiftty

Hi there.

I think $4500 isn't worth fighting for. You'll easily spend more than that on legal fees. But maybe how you should approach it is to let him know that he'll end up spending way more than $4500 defending himself in legal fees. Maybe then he'll see the light. If he won't budge then maybe try to meet halfway before going to court.

I ended up paying way more than I thought was fair but in retrospect I was glad to not have this drug out through court creating more bitterness and racking up legal fees that either of us could have used on our children instead. Once you move on with your life you'll quickly forget about the whole $4500 that could have been.

Just my opinion but I've been through it as well. I all to well remember how upset I was about how my Ex negotiated her settlement but In retrospect I'm glad I budged and we ended up settling.

All the best,

Miker

To everyone who took the time to so thoughtfully reply to me:

Sorry, I was so busy over the holiday weekend that I didn't even go online. That is so nice to be so busy that you get your mind off negative things for a while.

My WH has actually come the table with a counter offer that I am taking. He is paying me even less up front, but will pay me the rest of the fair amount (my amount) once he sells the house. It will have to be within 18 months and I'll have a deed of trust so he can't sell without paying me.

I don't know if it was the threat of court and not talking for days or because I gave him a card letting him know how much I miss "my husband," and asking when and why he stopped being my husband. I figured what have I got to lose? That I'll look a fool? Who cares anymore?

I did get an answer to the card, along with the counter offer. The response was not what I would have expected, but at least he thinks he is telling me the truth and there is some peace in that.

Newly,
Thank you again. That is some of the best information I have been given. Knowing that the lawyers would have us settle on the courthouse steps anyway is a real motivator to settle now before spending more on lawyers.

Fbwidow,
Sorry you are going through that. At least my WH can come to the table even though he does it kicking and screaming. Your WH must be the ultimate conflict avoider. Shouldn't he know that this won't go away?

Believer,
We have been together 8 years, but only married for 6-1/2. It doesn't sound long for a divorce settlement, but it was substantial to me. Many times I regret that it wasn't forever and others I think it was too long.

Wiftty,
I think we fall in love with the best in a person and when things get bad, we keep thinking we can get that great person back. He and I connected in a way that I've never connected with any other human being before. We just "got" each other. Don't we all just want to be understood? Unfortunately, the bad overshadowed the good for a very long time and I foolishly thought I could get back what we initially had. Some of it is still there and comes out unexeptedly. Then, I start fooling myself into thinking that there is still a chance. My head knows better, but the heart is rarely ruled by the head. Most of us are probably guilty of the same thing I would think. The breakup of a marriage isn't an easy transition and going backwards seems so much safer than going out into the great unknown.

Miker,
Thanks for the support. I would have settled and am glad to finally have a compromise. You are right, I'll be much happier once I quit floundering about in the past and fighting it out with my STBX and just move on. I am glad you were able to do so. And it sounds like you did pretty well at getting custody of the kids, which is the most important thing after all the rest is said and done.

AnneMarie