This is my first time visiting this website. I have a really big problem!
My husband is overseas at the moment.
A few months ago, I met a guy and there began the affair. I have only seen him twice, but we keep in touch regularly.
After seeing him the first time, I thought it was just for fun and that I would be able to let it go easily. But he admitted he had feelings for me and told me some of the sweetest things a woman could ever want to hear (i meant so much more to him than a friend or a wife, if he could marry me, he would in a second, so on). So I agreed to see him a 2nd time, and then my feelings got involved.
After seeing him the 2nd time, he got busier with work and had less time for me. I was left feeling very hurt. Oh, I should add he is married, but not living with his wife and going thru a divorce and he is also into drugs.
He tells me he is still interested in me and that in about a month or so he will be moving into another apartment and work will slow down so he will have more time to see me. That all sounded great to me, but recently I found information that says otherwise about him and his wife (that they still see each other, not sure if they are living together), plus his drug use has gotten heavier.
I know he is no good for me. He says since he is now single that he wants to be able to spend time with his friends.
I really want to forget about him, but that is easier said than done. I havent talked to him in a few days and I keep telling myself that I need to be strong and keep that up, but deep down in my heart, I hope he realizes that he misses me. He has told me before that if I ever get divorced, he wants me to give him a chance and he would change for me. I find myself walking around in a daze, saddened by the fact that he has chosen his friends & drugs over me. I don't even know if anything he said meant anything, or if it was just words, but like I said before, he says he is still interested in me, and then he reminds me that I am married.
My husband does not know about the affair and I have no plans to tell him, since I am trying to distance myself from the guy. Husband and I don't have the best relationship nd I dont see it lasting. But I need to let go of this guy, how do I forget about him?

How convenient for him to remember, now, that you are married. You were when he said those things.

How many men you gonna go through, IT? If you believe marriage is a hit and miss thing...then I believe you'll have several affairs and marriages...and walk around feeling sad, defective and broken for most of your life.

Hard way to live.

You will doom your marriage to your BH (betrayed husband) if you do not tell him when he returns from duty. You will doom yourself if you do not tell because you violated a covenant you made, and you will always know you are a cheater...until you know why and then choose not to be.

Your instincts are right on about no contact. None. For the rest of your life with your affair partner. If you want some redemption, a way back from a horrible path, you need to contact his wife and tell her what you did, when you did it and that you will not contact him again for life.

Period.

Easy to let go of when you get down to you being crazy about the fantasy, not the person. You already know he isn't for real...and not him just being him...all OP's (other person to the marriage...the affair partner) are fantasies. They aren't real.

You love the feelings you had when he was wooing you...predators are great with words...promises...and they are not truth. They are fantasy talk.

You are in a fog from pain...from your marriage, expectations, have no standards or boundaries...and fog messes up our thinking...we go on feelings...and we betray ourselves and others for a few moments of fake joy...

Use your benefits and get into individual counseling (IC)...find out why you give yourself permission to wreck this kind of damage on yourself and others...like your BH.

Read all you can on this website about how real relationships work...how you can feel whole, complete and shine in your life...what real love is...how care and consideration can fill you to overflowing love...and stop yourself from inflicting more pain on yourself and others down the road.

Your choice. Your power.

LA

I agree with Loving you need to tell BH what you are doing as soon as you can. You already admitted that your marriage is on the rocks anyway. Keeps secrets will not make it any better. Sweetie, marriage is hard work, you just don't go hopping and skipping through those days, months, and years! It's a matter of give and take, working together, honesty, loyalty, respect, and tons of other things. You need to really examine yourself, work out the knots, and put your best foot forward. OP don't said "The grass isn't greener on the other side" for no reason! It's the truth. Wake up, drugs, his friends! I bet his wife can give you some insight into the real person he is and that she wants her M to work to! Do yourself a favor, straighten this out before you lose all the hard work you HAVE put into your M this far. Try to think about your H's and OMW's feelings, your affecting alot more people then just you and him!

Well I know I cannot tell my husband, because I KNOW he will leave me. He's said that from the very beginning. How does one even begin to tell their husbands that anyway? I will attempt the counseling sessions though. I have mentioned to my husband that we need marriage counseling, he says no, he is so in denial that anything is wrong with the relationship. How can I make it work if he isn't willing to try to fix it?
The thought of the whole thing being a fantasy actually makes sense. After reading what you both wrote, I do realize that I do care for my husband and really need to let go of the other guy.
But, what can I do to get my husband to realize that our marriage needs help or it will fall apart more than it already has?

Men have a fear of counseling, I know that! My H goes to his first one this Tues. and I'm not sure how I got him to go really. I did say "I'm not trying to threaten you but either we sit down in front of a MC or a laywer, it's your choice!" He had already knew I had been to the laywer! I asked what changed his mind, but I got a I don't know. I do know that our friends had been talking with him about going with me, so it could have been a little peer pressure!

Now is time for you to work on you and why you did this. It can't be all your marriage is on the rocks, having spouse oversees is a really had thing. You may consider talking to DR about depression, I understand it is very very common with deployment issues. Next read all you can about MB, buy the books and start putting plan A into effect, email your h daily, these things will help you start to re-build until he comes home.

You cannot make anything work as long as you continue to lie to him. A marriage based on lies and deceit won't make it anyway. All the counseling in the world cannot overcome dishonesty. Lying to counselors is a waste of money that will get you nothing.


Isn't it HIS RIGHT to make that decision? Doesn't he have a RIGHT to decide that for himself? You have no right to keep him in a marriage based on a lie. If you know that he would not want to stay, then you have an even GREATER moral imperative to tell him the truth. He is not a PET you can keep on a leash. Otherwise, you are keeping him in prison marriage based on a LIE. To withhold the truth about HIS LIFE is cruel and MANIPULATIVE.

The solution to infidelity is the truth, not more lies.

He has to be told the truth. There is simply no other way. Your marriage will not survive if you DON'T.