rufftimes -
I'm sorry you have to be on this board....what you are going through is so difficult. Your husband is deep in the the affair fog and doesn't realize what he is giving up. He will just be taking his problems with him to the next relationship.
May I suggest that you get the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson great book and will give you a lot of insights, tools and boundaries to understand why this is happening and how to deal with your husbands behavior.
You know I heard a story about another woman who did the following and it worked. She took her kids with her to the OW's house and said this is what you are breaking up... an entire family. Having to directly face the reality of breaking up a family the OW backed off and ended the affair once she saw the little children's faces. I don't know if you want to try that but it's just a thought. Also to locate the OW go to this site:
https://find.intelius.com/search-name.php?searchform=namefor about $10.00 you can get all her information home address phone number etc.
You should also call the marriage builder counselors from this site and have them help you put a plan in place to set firm boundaries with your husband but at the same time... draw him back to you. Have you heard about the 180 list? Your husband is going to rewrite the history of your marriage and somewhat villanize you to justify his fantasy affair. You need to turn things around so that he doesn't see you as quite so predictable, get him wondering and guessing again. I know it's hard when you are in the middle of all this pain, but opening the cage door is what will draw your husband back.
Don't beg or plead for him back, let every glimpse he has of you be one of confidence and calm and that you can live with him or without him just fine. I know you don't feel that way and it's excruciatingly painful but get the book Love Must Be Tough and start to implement some of those practices.
Here's a list of 180's
When you 180, you challenge 2 core beliefs that your H holds: that he knows you through and through and that you'll never change. You make a change or a series of changes, and it makes him afraid: what if he's wrong and he's making a huge mistake? Keep doing it!
The 180 list for Got2:
Quote:
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1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You" unless he says it
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes