Five weeks ago my H didn't come home, after waiting up all night for him, I went driving around looking for him. By 2pm I was ready to report him as missing person. He finally phoned his mother, asked to talk to her and call wife to say he was ok. He came home three hours later and asked if we could talk, that's when he gave me the speech about he hasn't loved me for a long time and wants to get a divorce. I asked if he was with someone else, yes and I know her, they dated prior to our dating 10 years ago.

I told him i didn't understand, that he had been planning so many things for the year. Even spent Jan and Feb begging me to have another baby. And the day before all this happened brought our 4 yrs old nefew to live with us forever. I asked him repeatedly not to do this to our family. That I loved him. He would not change his mind.

He left that night and hasn't come home again except to see our children, girls 2 and 4. Four days later I told him we couldn't leave things the way they were, that ours kids needed the truth, that I had to take them down one road or another.

I want him back desperately and have been advised by friends to quit asking him back. Be happy, put myself back together again including being a girl again with makeup and good looking hair (somethings I had given up since becoming a mom). So that is where I am. Does any one have advise on what I can do. I don't ask him question about OW. I don't ever phone him and I make him stick to a schedule for the kids. Please share your throughout

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

The starting point is Plan A, where you show him what a great wife you can be, and work on changing anything that he complained about before the affair.

It also includes exposure. That would include telling his mom, and the husband of the other woman if she has one.

Rifftimes,

I'm sorry that has happened to you. I'm also here for the same reasons. I don't have the knowledge of the process here enough to offer suggestions, but I know know that all of the advice that I had received has been right on target. Let the folks here help you and please follow their suggestions. There are a lot of wise people here.

By the way the ONE thing that has worked the best so far in my case, was when I confronted the ow. That may not be right for everyone but it did for me.

Take care, and I wish you the best.

So far everyone know, I mean everyone but our children, he took her to the restaurant/bar we met at, worked at, had our wedding recepetion at, him family know and he even went to my parents house to say he was sorry. I haven't confonted her because i don't know how to find her, where she works or lives and he is staying with her, but says "I'm not living there" whatever that means

Plan A is going into effect including being a girl again by looking the part and cleaning the house, always having something to eat around when he comes to see the kids, house smelling good and not talk that may get serious or upseting for him

looks like your headed in the right direction, welcome! Fore most, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Explain what you can do better, grow, learn from your memories! Think about the times you had together and the reactions on your part and his, what could you have done differently? That's the kind of things I did, if that makes sense! Turn this negative situation into a positive!

So I have been reading lots of postings and threads here, should I be facilitating my WH to put the kids to bed when he can visit them at nite? Should I make sure when he comes to see them I am around? Should I let him give them a bath? Should I suggest more time he could be visiting them or let him live with the choices he is making? I know for a fact OW goes out of her way to make sure he his time is limited with the kids.

Part of Plan A is to expose A, but if everyone know, is my only out left to confront her directly? That would have to be done at my WH new job as a bartender. His new dream job in a very public setting.

That's a very good question and I don't have enough experience under my belt yet. I best leave that to the longtimer! What about her family? I do think that you need to do some more investigating, find out where he is living, where she is living. Do you have a phone number for her other than a cell? If so, you can do a google search for that number and possibly get an address!

rufftimes -

I'm sorry you have to be on this board....what you are going through is so difficult. Your husband is deep in the the affair fog and doesn't realize what he is giving up. He will just be taking his problems with him to the next relationship.

May I suggest that you get the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson great book and will give you a lot of insights, tools and boundaries to understand why this is happening and how to deal with your husbands behavior.

You know I heard a story about another woman who did the following and it worked. She took her kids with her to the OW's house and said this is what you are breaking up... an entire family. Having to directly face the reality of breaking up a family the OW backed off and ended the affair once she saw the little children's faces. I don't know if you want to try that but it's just a thought. Also to locate the OW go to this site: https://find.intelius.com/search-name.php?searchform=name

for about $10.00 you can get all her information home address phone number etc.

You should also call the marriage builder counselors from this site and have them help you put a plan in place to set firm boundaries with your husband but at the same time... draw him back to you. Have you heard about the 180 list? Your husband is going to rewrite the history of your marriage and somewhat villanize you to justify his fantasy affair. You need to turn things around so that he doesn't see you as quite so predictable, get him wondering and guessing again. I know it's hard when you are in the middle of all this pain, but opening the cage door is what will draw your husband back.

Don't beg or plead for him back, let every glimpse he has of you be one of confidence and calm and that you can live with him or without him just fine. I know you don't feel that way and it's excruciatingly painful but get the book Love Must Be Tough and start to implement some of those practices.

Here's a list of 180's

When you 180, you challenge 2 core beliefs that your H holds: that he knows you through and through and that you'll never change. You make a change or a series of changes, and it makes him afraid: what if he's wrong and he's making a huge mistake? Keep doing it!

The 180 list for Got2:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You" unless he says it
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes

Thanks for the Web site, I'll give that a try. Sounds real temptig to take my kids to confront her, but will that do more harm than good to my children, they don't know about the affair they are only 2 and 4. Also have been doing 180, but what do you think about when we are scheduling for him to come over, should I be encouraging him to come often or just let it ride. Part of Plan A is make want to be home but 180 says not to set dates I'm a little confused about that.

Thanks for all your help, PLEASE keep advise coming its the only thing keeping me sane

Okay, it sounds like your marriage was pretty good before the affair. I wonder if she contacted him through classmates.com, or something like that?

Is she married? Does she have children?

Why did they break up?

Guest hind sight is 20/20, marriage was ok, now I'm seeing that, but I dind't ever imagine this was going to happen.
He works in a bar and he ran into her there, OW not married and no kids. They broke up 10 years ago before we dated because "she was just to crazy, nothing going for her" h. Now of course the re-write, "maybe 10 yers ago I made a mistake" h

Seeing him tommarrow, to make schedule for next month about the kids and I'll bringing up money. Don't know if he will come here or we will meet somewhere. Typically the kids love and play with him a while then do their own thing a while and we chat in between. Usually very general stuff

Trying to do Plan A and 180 at same time. Is it right to text message his cell, ie so&so had their baby or ask question like today about what time to get together?

Strange that she never married in 10 years. Given time, he will probably realize that she is too crazy.

I would not contact him a lot right now. Try just making your life better.

Hepl me, h is due here any minute! I don't know if i can be Plan A and 180 at sometime, I'm so nervous i feel a panic attack comming on, gonna go take my med for that so a feel an appear reasonable.

I'm nervous because Fri at d preschool grad, he was very courtous and nice, he didn't really have much to say, could tell he only has 3-4 hours of sleep, due mostly to work, but he was nice and thats a first since this all started. I don't know what to do. Advise Please

Stick with Plan A, and try to mainly listen. Don't let him drag you into arguing. Relax.

Didn't even get a chance to relex, h was here 20 min and OW called, he left to pick her up from work, from sound of convo. she wanted to know why he was here

So now that he was in and out of the house in a flash, with OW making sure once again he doesn't spend time with the kids I don't know what to do. When i suggested dinner tomarrow, he looked at me pleadingly and said he had BBQ plans. So much for putting our kids first, hasn't spent time with time since Mon and now its Sun, wow 20 min.

I text him a pix of 4yr old D, she got dressup with jewelry and hair done in case daddy came back, I breaks my heart. The message to h was "she wants to look for you."

How do I get him over hear more often to work Plan A? Do is ask him to do little repairs around the house? Encourage him to see the kids on his nites off, nearing bedtime to get that family feeling? HELP

Stay in Plan A. It sounds like the OW really has a control problem. He SHOULD be seeing his kids. I would think he would get tired of that real soon.

That is what I keep hoping, advise on how to handle tommarrow? Should I falsely have I time we are not available due to plans of our own? Or just free access and while he is here mention somewhere to go? Funny thing is when he is here, he ask where we will be going, if I say we are going out and if someone call he'll ask what that was about. Things that made you go hhhmmm

I would plan something for the kids and you, and just plan to enjoy yourselves, even if it is at home.

Be pleasant and welcoming when you see him. Spend time cleaning the house so it is warm and inviting.

Let the OW dig her own grave.

That's about what I'm doing. Should I make more comment about how the kids miss him? Should I have the kids phone him more often, at this time they call only when they ask too, which is one or two time a week. He has never once called them just to call. I have all these divorce and parenting with you ex books sitting around, should I point out somethings in the books that I have been learning, like consistency or time with the kids? Would that be pushing to much?

I'm going crazy, i know this is to be expected but i guess I'm looking for a way to speed this along. Yesterday I did ask him if my jeans looked good, he said they did and a told him I was down to a size 10.