I caught my wife RED HANDED. She swore up & down that that was a 1 time deal.Lie caught her again- lie.
I caught her writing & making dates . swore again. caught her again - lie
this has happened at least 10 times .
These are bold faced lies. stare you in the eyse lies.
Is this common?
Or does this just happen to me?
or is it just something that she needs to take a pill for.
lies hurt!

Numbers, it is entirely normal. A couple of long-time MB betrayed spouses have found their wayward spouses in bed with their partners in adultery and the wayward ones will deny there's anything going on.

Wayward spouses will put their hands on a stack of bibles and swear to God they would never think of doing anything like that. They'll bat their baby blues and ask how you can possibly suspect them of such a thing. They will draft their preteen children into supporting their lies, not to mention parents and friends. They will lie when the truth would serve them better, as Grandma used to say. Face it, pardner, cheaters lie. It’s part of the territory.

What’s happening there? Have you exposed this adultery to everyone? Are you in Plan A? How long have you been in that plan? How long do you estimate you will continue it? In short, a status report is in order. Hang tough, guy.

That's what people in affairs do...LIE!!!

My WH has lied to me for months.

He and OW are "just friends"...not!

He and OW of course have never had sex...not!

Etc. etc. I'm so sick of his lies I can't even stand to look at him anymore. He thinks I'm so gullible.

I think he even lies to himself!

My WH lied to me for years with he so called friend. I think they have to tell so many lies to cover up that they begin to believe them theirselves. And his friend also told a few lies too until I bluffed her. You got to be a few steps ahead of these aliens ya know.They will do and say what they have to.WH even lied to our C about cheating also,which is no big suprise to me but I have even a bigger one when we see her together next week.

I've thought a lot about this over the years - I lived in a very strange family growing up, where the truth was whatever worked (if you are into philosophy, they must have agreed with William James).

I think people lie for several reasons. Probably the main reasons your wife is lying are: to get out of trouble, to try to save herself from embarassment, and to try to continue to do what she wants to do despite the fact that she knows she is doing the wrong thing. There is also the possibility that she might be trying to minimize the A, because of the lie where she was saying it was a one time thing.

My FWH also tried to minimize it initially too, and I don't think it's too unusual. There's probably a lot of reasons involved in that particular lie - both selfish and actually in a bizarre way, loving. He wanted to cover up his own stupidity. He wanted to minimize it so it would be less for me to "get over" (this is the bizarre loving part). He thought that if it seemed like less, then it would be easier for me to forgive, and less painful for me as well. He couldn't face telling me the truth, because he knew how ugly it really was, and his own guilt was already eating him alive; if he lied to me he didn't have to face it at all (there is a very strange compartmentalization that takes place during an A in the WS mind, where they can separate the guilt out, and function as though the A is not even happening when they are home with their family).

So lying about the A? I think it's kind of an instinctive thing - your WW has been lying all through the affair, and that behavior is really hard to change right now. Sounds like she isn't ready to come clean with you - Radical Honesty isn't something she's ready for at this point. She is probably not sure about where you stand, what you want to do, whether or not you want to make the M work, and all of that. She's probably just as freaked out as you are, unsure of what is coming next, and looking to you for signs of what to do. You actually have more control than you think. Use that control. I hope you are in Plan A right now, for certain, if you want to recover the marriage. If you can make her feel safe enough with you, she will ultimately relax and begin to talk honestly about things. Be really careful not to love bust, and try to stay calm when you talk about the A with her. Remember that the safer she feels, the more you learn about what she is thinking and feeling, and you can bring her back to you. And then you can heal together.

People lie for other reasons, too, of course. To make themselves seem to be something they are not, for example. To get something they want, to pursuade others into something for selfish purposes, to set things into motion which might make something happen to advance themselves, and so on. Lies are usually selfish in nature, or egotistical, or self-protective. There are white lies, which do protect others sometimes. But I think generally speaking, lies are probably spoken on behalf of our egocentric selves. I think these are most likely the kinds of lies that get people into an A in the first place.

All of this, IMHO, of course. As Dennis Miller says, I could be wrong.

Schoolbus

Basically, I think it's instinct to try to stay out of trouble! DIdn't we all do it as kids? what about the cartoon, Family Circle, remember the little ghosts running around named "I don't KNow", "NOt ME!", and I think there was another! Same thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If I might add input as the WW, schoolbus hit it on the nose. All of the reasons listed are the reasons I lied to my DH. In so many ways it was to reduce the amount of hurt I had to inflict upon him. Naturally, I am scared of what will happen if he knew the full truth. I have snapped out of the psychosis that caused me to pursue the A in the first place. I want to save my family and I don't want my DH to spend the rest of his life thinking of me sleeping with another man.

THESE are the reasons I have lied. I know I may be the LAST person you want to hear from, but that is pretty close to straight from the horse's mouth.

badspouse- we are all here tohelp each other. Your input is very valuable to all. SOmetimes pain and hurt may not be the a way we would chose to learn a lesson in life but it's a lesson regardless. I have learned a lot from the current situation that my family is in. To be honest, I don't think I would have woke up from my little fantasy to see why I was withdrawing from my H without this lesson. I thiknk the imporant thing is what you do with the lessons you learned that matters. It's up to all of us now, what do you intend to do?

Out of SAA:

-People lie because they don't want to see you upset and they try to hide the truth immediately to postpone the pain.

-Some people especially those who are in an A lie to heighten the feelings of passion towards the other spouse. Their relationship becomes more intense if it is a secret- hence exposure.

-Some people lie because that is their response to many things (almost like a bad habit from childhood).

-I truly believe some people lie to see the response of the other person.

Any ways those are some factually reasons that people lie, but I think that you are asking how can she do this to me because it is sooooo hurtful.

In response to that I am not sure. Are you? Do you know why she has had the A? If so that is a starting place to begin plan A. OH bless you for starting this. I must tell you plan A is difficult and at times you will feel lost , betrayed, and unwilling to go on, but in the end it feels good.

I know I am rambling, but I will still go on:

Remember you can always gleem support here

Remember that you are doing it because you love your WS and you want to show her this

Remember it will be tough, but the roller coaster will slow or stop eventually.

By the way LIEs are the worst thing that you can do to someone aren't they???!

Notice how many WS angrily accuse their BS of being "controlling?"

Well, there is hardly a more controlling behavior than lying.

When you lie to someone - especially someone as close to you as a spouse - you are rendering them powerless. They can't do anything to affect you or affect your actions if they don't know about those actions, now can they?

Lying removes all traces of power and control from the person being lied to. They are helpless and in the dark and out of the way so long as the lies hold up.

Liars are the ultimate controllers and manipulators. And if you finally stop believing their lies and want the truth from them, YOU will be accused of being "controlling and manipulative."

Sound familiar to anyone?
Mulan

People lie out of self preservation in most cases.

The problem with the lies is they just cause more harm as in your case.

When I say self preservation I mean this. I can admit my wrong doing and get in trouble and have to make up for it or I can take the easy route and lie. I will avoid the trouble and I won't have to make up for my actions. I can avoid any consequences of my behaviour by being dishonest. If I am caught there will be more consequences but thats a chance they are willing to take. Whats better no trouble or consequences or a little more trouble and a little more consequences.

The problem with the little more consequences is that you don't trust them. Which is the most important aspect of a good relationship. Without trust what do you have?

my thoughts on some WS's that are lying. I think some of them, are just plain afraid... afraid that if the BS knew about OW or about things that were or are going on, that the BS would file for divorce. I believe this to be true with WS's that havent filed yet.

To me it just doesnt make sense otherwise. I mean, come on... you got OW, you have seperated from your wife/husband, and are even living with OW. Some do this for years and never file! I bet they lie to the OW why they havent filed as well. In my book, if you want the marriage... work on it, if not, get a divorce. But they know that the affair wont last, so they lie to the BS, so they dont run the risk of loosing them.

Same goes for WS's that dont want to talk about the affair when coming home and trying to work on the marriage, i think they dont want to talk about it, or play it down, cause they are afraid that the BS will leave them. Rightfully so... but i think if you make your bed... lay in it. If you love someone else, have the guts to get out.

Sorry this just struck a nerve with me.. when i had my EA, i told my husband that i didnt love him anymore, at the time that was correct... i told him to get on with his life and find someone new, i dont think its right for me to do this, and not grant your spouse the same thing. My husband did start a PA during my EA, my EA died a natural death and i told my Husband that i wanted to work on our marriage, of course now he was the one in love with someone else. But instead of telling me, sorry.. you are too late... he started telling me he loves me, we are working on our marriage... and made me believe for many many months that we were back together again.

So to me, i see no other reason for the lies other than the fear of loosing me completely. What else has he to gain from it? It would have been easy to dump me for good, heck i betrayed him first. He has told me since he will not lie to me anymore, so now he just doesnt talk about anything...lol. He still doesnt want to let me go, but he is still living with OW, telling me things like... i dont want you to go... i dont think this thing with her will work out. All in all this has been going on for 3 years now, since the start of my EA. I had my EA for about 2 years and he has been in his PA for two years. Well, anyways... i got a bit sidetracked here.. sorry bout that.

I have always had a problem with lies... no matter who lies to me... whether it be my kids or anyone else. I cannot stand them. And i will never understand why people lie, just be straightforward and speak your mind, what are they afraid of? If they are so afraid, ummm.. then dont do what might cause you to be afraid?

I grew up in a house of lies. Lies for the strangest reasons, I can't even describe. The simplest things would happen, and later people would say that they didn't happen. Or, people would twist what had actually happened, just slightly twist it, so that it appeared different to the person they were describing it to. I don't know why. Then, while telling the new tale, they would look to us kids and say, "Isn't that right?", and we were expected to agree (or have the crap beaten out of us - another story). Like I said, I understand and have a long fifty years of experience of living around the most accomplished liars in the world. They smell. Which was why it totally took me by surprise when my husband who is ordinarily very honest was caught red-handed with his OW. He initially said, "Nothing happened." Within just 20 minutes, however, I had the beginnings of the truth.

He's not much of a talker, and I had to play a virtual perfect Plan A in order for him to feel like there was going to be a safe enough place with me to open up and let the light shine on the truth. I was initially love busting everywhere, and thankfully found MB fast enough to save the marriage. I think we are recovering. We have had to deal with cancer two weeks after d-day in November 2005, and that has had a major effect on the whole thing. I still roller coaster. But the lies have stopped.

But, I hold fast to Ronald Reagan's advice: "Trust but verify." Don't know when that will stop....

Numbers- is your WW still with the OM? Is there NC, do you plan to try to recover the marriage? What are your plans?

I think I've already seen more well-written, and well thought-out posts on this question than usually accumulate on threads that have been in existence much longer. So many good ideas and insight. Y’all are giving me an education, and I appreciate it. Thanks much.